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Post by rabidrabbit on Sept 17, 2008 20:50:52 GMT -5
I'm new here. I will share my story as an introduction -- much of it echoes all of the other stories I've read and the rest is unique all to me.
Well, I guess I'll start from the beginning. I'm 22 years old. My mother passed away 2 years ago and my dad lives in a nursing home because he has advanced stage Parkinson's disease. Most of the time he rambles incoherently so I don't visit him often. I feel guilty about that but seeing him just worsens my anxiety. I guess I'm just afraid of the day that he will die so I am trying to distance myself from him even though I know it's only a superficial distance.
I have a younger brother who has recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and who has a learning disability. Basically, I'm taking care of him in the same way my parents had to. His actions lately have been such a drain on my mental state -- he has been hospitalized in the psych ward at least 4 times in the past few months. I don't know what to do for him; can't do anything for him. I feel like if I am not taking care of someone else I am useless. I've always been a caretaker. It started with my great aunt when I was about 10 years old. Then she died. Then I took care of my father but he went into a nursing home. Then my mother, and she died. Now it's my brother and I have no clue what's going to happen to him.
I can't take care of myself the same way in which I can take care of other people. I buy things with money I don't have to make myself feel better. I have no impulse control when it comes to shopping. I've been gaining weight steadily for 2 years and none of my old clothes fit me but I feel the need to hang onto them. I take drugs off and on to get away from my problems. Obviously, when they wear off, my problems are still there. Usually they just hit me harder.
I was diagnosed with panic disorder shortly after my mom passed away in 2006. I suffered from debilitating panic attacks for 3 months before I decided to get help. Now I manage my panic attacks with clonazepam. It works for my panic disorder but it zaps most of my energy and motivation to clean. I won't even get out of bed in the morning if I don't have to. I stay up until the wee hours of the morning almost every day.
I'm trying to take care of myself and my brother both mentally and financially. I have a part-time retail job which doesn't pay much at all. My salary for one month doesn't even cover my rent. I cannot pay any of my other bills on time. I've had to quit school in order to work and take care of my brother but because I've quit school, I'm stuck working at my dead-end retail job.
I have no relatives to help me nor do I have any savings. I blew through my mother's inheritance in just about a year. I didn't improve my quality of life at all with the money; just bought tons upon tons of useless crap that is now cluttering my apartment and my life.
I have lived in the same 1 bedroom apartment that my parents lived in all of their married lives. My mother in fact died in this awful place...just a few feet away from where I sit typing.
The apartment has never been immaculate. My mother never really cleaned as much as I saw the mothers of my friends clean. Usually my dad (before he got sick) would wake up early on weekends and clean as much as he could, being so tired from the previous work week.
But now the mess is out of control. I have a dog and a cat. My dog likes to go to the bathroom all over the apartment. I have a horrible bug problem. My kitchen faucet leaks. My tub leaks. My neighbors have complained of an odor coming from my apartment to the super of my building. I would be mortified if anyone found out about the way I live. I need help. My strategy of ignoring things hasn't worked for me. So I need to do a major overhaul of my life and living quarters. I know I need way more help than strangers on the internet can give. I live in NYC if that helps. Are there any resources I can use to get help for myself and my brother??
I've always had this sense of doom... of all or nothing... if something isn't PERFECT, then it isn't worth doing. I also feel like if I fail at something, there is no second chance. I need to learn to cut myself some slack. I know this intellectually, but I don't feel it. I am also stubborn and feel like I should be able to do things on my own. This is my filthy bed and I deserve to lie in it. I'm too "proud" to ask for help. I've grown apart from most of my friends. I was pretty normal before all of this happened to me. Maybe I am just making excuses, I don't know. How can anyone be so stubborn that they would rather live in a roach-infested, dog and cat crap covered pig sty than ask for help from a professional? The SHAME and GUILT are almost too unbearable.
I started cleaning. I sprayed my messy piles with bug spray. So that would take care of any sentimental value I might have had towards the stuff. Me and the love of my life [without who I would be completely lost in this world] just filled like 10 outdoor leaf bags with clothes that have been sitting and festering for weeks, months. Maybe even a year. Jesus this just infuriates me with myself and saddens me and overwhelms me. I don't know how much more I can take in this life. The only thing that keeps me sane is the saying that the Lord doesn't give you any more than you can handle. But sometimes I just feel like I am being punished for something I did in a past life or something crazy like that. I try to balance the desperation with hope.
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Post by eaglesflight on Sept 17, 2008 21:14:47 GMT -5
rabbit, I'm glad you found SOS and I hope you will find strategies here to help you. One thing I would like to mention to you is the topic of sunk costs. This means money that has already been spent that you can't get back. When I learned the concept of sunk costs I didn't feel so bad about getting rid of things that were ruined or not useful to me for the reason that I had spent money on the item. Holding on to something that is useless does not get you the money back you spent on it. I also understand that you were most likely using shopping to aleviate depression. There is a member here who had a similar problem; she joined Debtors Anonymous to help her overcome the problem. Hopefully she can come here and tell you moe about it.
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Post by skitter on Sept 17, 2008 21:48:16 GMT -5
Welcome Rabbit,
You are going through so much. I'm glad that you have someone whom you love to help you through it. I don't have advice about agencies that might help, but I think others may. That's wonderful that you are making such a great start.
You seem very articulate. I imagine someone might be able to suggest how you could finish school online so that you could start a career that you will enjoy.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Cheers, skitter
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Post by heylady1 on Sept 18, 2008 7:49:10 GMT -5
Welcome Rabidrabbit! It sounds like you've been stuck with quite a burden especially at such a young age. No wonder you're overwhelmed!! I'm glad you found this site, it will help you immensely! I know that retail sales sometimes doesn't pay much and since you've had so much experience, I was wondering if you've ever considered working as an aide or something in the nursing field? Health care work pays better than the average job. Just a thought!
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Post by messymimi on Sept 18, 2008 19:35:57 GMT -5
Welcome, rabbit.
Please check with your doctor to find out if there is another med you could be taking, one that doesn't sap your energy. Or maybe about adjusting the dosage. With more energy, your outlook could improve and make it easier to deal with everything.
You have been dealt a very difficult hand at a young age. My heart goes out to you and your brother and father.
messymimi
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Post by houseworkhater on Sept 19, 2008 3:22:56 GMT -5
rabbit, you have been through too much at your young age, and it obviously continues. it does seem unfair. you will be in my prayers and i hope you will keep posting here. it is a wonderful place with wonderful people.
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Post by ghettofabulous on Sept 20, 2008 4:18:40 GMT -5
Hi Rabbit,
I'm very sorry to hear about your circumstances.
You say that you feel "you should be able to handle things on your own." I've got news for you, I don't know ANYBODY that could handle what you're dealing with, the fact that you are so young makes it all the more heartbreaking.
Rabbit, the things that are happening, they are not your fault. You didn't do anything to "deserve" this, so please don't punish yourself or feel shame. You need help, we all do at one point or another, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You did not fail. No man is an island.
However, it can be a big, bad world out there, you are going to have to seek the help you need. I believe there are organizations that can offer you help, if you look under human services in your area. You mention that money is tight for you, I understand that. If you have a doctor you should speak openly about your problem and ask for their help, don't be shy about it, remember he/she has scores of professional contacts. If you don't have a regular doctor, many churches also offer community services, and that is another place I would go.
It sounds to me like you have given so much of yourself, that you have nothing left, that you need to be replenished, but we all know here that buying stuff does not fill the void, and if money is tight, just deepens the wound. I can identify with so many of your emotions, the pride, the stubbornness, the fear, the shame, the self loathing, all of it.
The time for you to act is now. Please don't put your head in the sand and hope your problems will go away, because they won't, and the last thing you want to do is to wake up and be 42 years old dealing with the same issues. It is not too late for you to reclaim your life and take control, just baby step it, and be kind to yourself. Come here and post your progress, there are some truly great minds here with excellent suggestions, the SoS people are real survivors, in every sense of the word, and you are too.
Remember, its "ask and ye shall receive" not "you gotta do it all yourself."
GhettoFabulous
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Post by tiredofthis on Sept 20, 2008 9:17:01 GMT -5
Excellent advice, GhettoFabulous. Rabbit, you are so young. Ask for help. Don't wait. You can't do everything. And you don't have to live this way if you don't want to. Us virtual peeps here will give you moral support and caring. But, please try to reach out in your "real world" for help.
As Tom Petty sings ~ you don't have to live like a refugee...
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Post by Vivre on Sept 25, 2008 7:58:34 GMT -5
Welcome, Rr, and I hope you post again soon. I know many who come here (myself included back in the way back past) feel STUCk and LOST. It takes work, but little by little the light at the end of tha dark depressing tunnel starts to shine. I am many states south of you, wish i could help better. I can, however, offer support and consolation and cleaning buddy cheers You can do it, and this pace can help.!!!!!!!
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Post by crazycatlady on Sept 29, 2008 20:57:17 GMT -5
Welcome, RabidRabbit. Your name reminds me of one of my son's favorite games...Rayman's Raving Rabbids. raymanzone.us.ubi.com/ravingrabbids/index.html Are you a fan?
I'm glad that you found your way here. I hope that you will check back in. There is hope here, and many who will help encourage you as you begin a new path.
Awesome on 10 giant bags of stuff gone. What an amazing way to start! Woo hoo... havabanana!
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Post by ivorytower on Oct 4, 2008 2:38:39 GMT -5
I've read this story through several times. I find it hard to believe that one person could be experiencing such a combination of circumstances.
I'm sorry to be cynical and I'm impressed by the generous acceptance others have shown. But the fact is, I am cynical about this. It reads like it's been put together from bits of other members' posts. Altogether it seems high on drama and short on fact.
One thing I'd like to know - how could a family of four live in a one bedroomed apartment? Where did everyone sleep?
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Post by angelinahedgehog on Oct 4, 2008 12:14:44 GMT -5
Ivorytower, the family who lived across the street when I was growing up had 4 kids in a 2 bedroom house. The two older girls had the master bedroom, the youngest girl and the boy had the second bedroom. The parents slept in the living room.
Years later, my bookgroup was talking about apartments for some reason, and one of the women mentioned that she and her daughter had shared a studio apartment in Manhattan. No bedroom. I offered her extra congratulations on surviving her daughter's teenage years.
In those situations, where the space you have is the space you have, you do what you have to.
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Post by Celeste on Oct 4, 2008 13:58:21 GMT -5
First of all, welcome rabidrabbit! Yes, you do have history and family health problems stacked against you, but I have seen people here with more and they've overcome their problems and beaten squalor. I have faith that you can do it too. Go for it!
I've read this story through several times. I find it hard to believe that one person could be experiencing such a combination of circumstances. I'm sorry to be cynical and I'm impressed by the generous acceptance others have shown. But the fact is, I am cynical about this. It reads like it's been put together from bits of other members' posts. Altogether it seems high on drama and short on fact. One thing I'd like to know - how could a family of four live in a one bedroomed apartment? Where did everyone sleep? Really, ivorytower? I have no trouble with rabidrabbit's post, and obviously others don't either. I've seen it numerous times and know people who have lived with worse. How fortunate you've been not to have experienced this sort of thing. You are incredibly lucky. It is indeed possible for several family members to have debilitating health problems at once. It's happening in my own family. Sofa beds, futons, Murphy beds, daybeds and trundles, make it easy to understand how a family of four could live in a one bedroom apartment. My own brother spent three years sleeping on a daybed in the living room when my parents were going to school because we were short of bedroom space. It happens, particularly in areas hard hit by housing shortages and in families who don't have much income (due to chronic illnesses, in this case). Want a suggestion? Suspend judgment until you know more. In the meantime, try not to scare off our newcomer. That isn't very supportive! Blessing on you all,
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Post by metamorpha on Oct 4, 2008 17:41:19 GMT -5
Go here: www.naminys.org/I'm not in New York and don't know any specifics about the programs there but it looks like you have a lot of resources at your disposal. As far as cleaning up your house, look around. Read. Participate in threads you think will motivate you. I find the accountability partners threads in listzilla very helpful. Good luck.
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Post by eagle on Oct 4, 2008 19:56:19 GMT -5
Welcome, RR. You asked if there are any resources for you and your brother. Since you are already on medication, I am assuming you are speaking with a physician on occassion, and hopefully a therapist routinely. If not, then I would like to suggest that you ask the one who is prescribing to refer you for assistance. Here is a link you can use as a starting point to look into where to find the kind of assistance you need: www.omh.state.ny.us/omhweb/resources/I used to work with a social worker (in California) who's job was to help get people in touch with the resources they needed. She took calls, listened and then helped the caller get in touch with the right people or agency to help them deal with their particular problems. I don't know if such positions are employed in the NYC mental health department, but I would expect there is someone here capable of answering that question. If not, a call to one of the NYC Mental Health offices might give you direction. Here is another link with more information and some toll-free telephone numbers: mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/stateresourceguides/NewYork01.aspThere are also online support groups for people with bipolar disorder, as well as face-to-face meettings. Here is a link with more information for NYC: www.mdsg.org/I hope you are able to find some of the help you need. In the mean time, welcome and keep posting.
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