someday
New Member
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 54
|
Lost
Oct 1, 2008 20:31:39 GMT -5
Post by someday on Oct 1, 2008 20:31:39 GMT -5
I have lurked on here for a long time, and I've finally gotten to the point where I need to be open here for the support.
I recently moved to the south from NY state. My husband and I are renting a lovely old house that has decayed in the 6 months we've been living there. When I was looking for work and acting as a housewife it was a nice place. I did the dishes and laundry and made the bed. It was honestly the only thing that kept me sane while being in a new state with no job and no friends. Then I got a job and things started to fall apart. Then my husband lost his job...and they fell apart more. The dishes were stagnating in the sink, we were starting to get mice and cockroaches in the kitchen, and the dog decided that the dining room carpet was better than the outside for her bathroom. My husband blithely ignored all of it until I finally put my foot down and forced him to clean. He didn't like it, but he did it a few times to keep me happy.
Here is my current problem - My husband now works a full time job and seems content to ignore the house and yard and dog, except on the few occasions that he "feels like doing something" and it's usually something that is not really necessary - like spraying down the front walk. Our neighbor has taken it upon himself to mow our lawn because he is trying to sell his house. I am mortified. I am also very busy. I have one full time job and two part time jobs and there is just not enough time to clean unless I spend my ONE day off per week doing it - and I usually have to get to bed early because I have to be at work at 5 AM the next day.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get him to have some pride in our home? I hate living like this, but I am so tired and depressed all the time that all I can bring myself to do is work and sleep. Please Help.
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 1, 2008 21:47:38 GMT -5
Post by crazycatlady on Oct 1, 2008 21:47:38 GMT -5
You have taken the first step by posting here. Keeping a house in order is a challenge under the best circumstances, but when working 3 jobs and not getting any help from your hubby...wow that really complicates things!
Stick around. Read, and post, and let us know how it is going. It can be amazing how once one person starts prioritizing a clean home, it can help encourage the other person. Just talking to other people in a similar situation can help give you a better perspective, and some hints for finding a way to succeed.
Hang in there. It will get better!
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 2, 2008 15:18:16 GMT -5
Post by houseworkhater on Oct 2, 2008 15:18:16 GMT -5
i don't have much advice about husbands and cleaning, but maybe he just doesn't see the mess? my husband is like that, but usually i just have to ask him to do specific things and he does them.
can you hire someone to do the lawn and occasional clean up? you don't want to put yourself in a position where people will start to resent you and maybe report you, and outside is where that usually happens. maybe you can point that out to him?
i wish you luck. keep us posted!
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 2, 2008 17:01:30 GMT -5
Post by messymimi on Oct 2, 2008 17:01:30 GMT -5
Welcome, someday !
It is not physically possible for you to work 3 jobs and clean up after 2 people and a pet. Your husband at least needs to clean up after himself. Also, if he wants to have the pleasure of enjoying the dog, do at least half of the cleaning after it, too.
Easy to say, hard to do, I know.
Can you try being straight up honest with him about how this is affecting you? If it is sapping your love for him, tell him that it is putting your marriage in danger. If you are afraid of the neighbor calling the city for not mowing, let him know. If you are scared of being evicted if/when the landlord comes by and sees the place, say it to him in no uncertain terms.
Maybe your honesty about how this situation is hurting you both will get him up and moving.
messymimi
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 3, 2008 10:35:21 GMT -5
Post by pegasus48 on Oct 3, 2008 10:35:21 GMT -5
I echo messymimi's advice. You have too much on your shoulders and your husband has to pitch in. Talk to him.
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 3, 2008 16:34:56 GMT -5
Post by gifted on Oct 3, 2008 16:34:56 GMT -5
I am wondering why you need three jobs? Is it worthwhile having more than 2 full-time incomes in your household? What was the situation before you moved to the new home?
There are many here who can advise you on the problems with the dog. Maybe keeping the dog confined to the kitchen or a kennel while you are gone will help. Or maybe the dog is simply not being let out often enough.
You say the house is rotting. Does it need a lot of work, or are you just talking about the messes? If you need house repairs, then some one needs to handle that, whether you hire it out, or husband does it.
Whatever the financial situation, you are entitled to have a clean home. Even if that means some of the household budget goes toward a maid service, or for other chores. It is the only fair thing for you, so that you are not coming home to a 4th job!
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 4, 2008 21:25:34 GMT -5
Post by heylady1 on Oct 4, 2008 21:25:34 GMT -5
Welcome Someday! I wonder the same thing as Simplegifts. Do you really need all that income? Because it sounds like you are running yourself to death with a work schedule that heavy. I cannot blame you for not wanting to clean house on the only day you can collapse!! Your hubby needs to pitch in. Cutting the grass, picking up after himself and letting the dog outside is something he needs to be doing. He's an adult he can help. I was going to go into a long tirade about men and their lack of help around the house, how they can miss the oh-so-obvious (like letting a dog outside every so often when they are home), etc...but this isn't the time or place. So instead I will wish you luck and hope you can get your hubby to help out around your shared space.
|
|
someday
New Member
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 54
|
Lost
Oct 6, 2008 16:35:12 GMT -5
Post by someday on Oct 6, 2008 16:35:12 GMT -5
Thank you thank you THANK YOU to everyone who replied. It was really what I had hoped for, some perspective on this. It's helped me tremendously, or at least, I think it will if my agreement with DH holds up. We DON'T need the extra income from the part time jobs, but I can't quit them. The full time job is just something I do to help pay the bills. The two part time jobs are in my impossible to get into field which I spent a ridiculous amount of time and money getting a Masters' Degree for. So there is no way to quit those. Not when one of them might lead to the kind of job I've been wanting for years. And as for hubby pitching in - that's a great idea in theory. We've even discussed it at length. But it never works out because he says I am too critical. I'm not, really, but he thinks I am. He'll start something and leave it half completed, or he'll cook dinner and leave the kitchen a mess. And then when I clean up his messes, like rinsing and rewashing the dishes (he usually misses food stuck to the plates) or folding the laundry or wiping the crumbs off the stove so our vermin problem doesn't get any worse, he yells at me that he "was gonna do that!" (yeah, right - you're going to wipe down the stove while in bed, in your PJs, with a book. Give it up.) Or he says that nothing he does is ever good enough. Not wanting a fight, I usually don't reply to that one. But some of this is about to change, I hope. After reading the replies on here, I got to thinking about our money situation. Before we moved, I did documentation processing for a huge investment banking corporation. I quit not only because we were moving, but because I hated it. I think I was working so hard because I felt like a failure going from this big important job to NO job, and I felt like I had to prove myself again. Anyway, I sat down with DH and told him the truth - that I am working a 72 hour work week and I simply cannot deal with the three jobs AND the housework. So we worked out a budget and made a deal - I will quit my full time job. This will take me down from 72 hours a week to 32, and allow me time to take care of our home. He will help with the initial squalor, and I will take on the upkeep, as well as the cooking and laundry. He, in turn, will take care of the outside of the house, and picking up after himself. He's also not allowed to accuse me of "nagging" if I remind him to take his dishes into the kitchen or put his socks in the laundry basket.
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 6, 2008 16:43:38 GMT -5
Post by notsomessyshell on Oct 6, 2008 16:43:38 GMT -5
Congratulations on making some positive changes! I bet that is a huge relief to you. You took on so many big changes in your life all at once. I am in awe of you. 3 jobs. A big move. Switching jobs. NO way were you a failure. Keep up the positivity.
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 6, 2008 19:38:31 GMT -5
Post by pegasus48 on Oct 6, 2008 19:38:31 GMT -5
WTG, someday!! I think quitting that full-time job will make all the difference. You were just working way too hard, and nobody can do that for an extended period of time without something having to give. Good for you for talking to your husband! Keep us updated on how things are going. Here is a big hug for you.
|
|
hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815
|
Lost
Oct 6, 2008 20:07:37 GMT -5
Post by hopehope on Oct 6, 2008 20:07:37 GMT -5
excellent solution
|
|
someday
New Member
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 54
|
Lost
Oct 8, 2008 16:36:22 GMT -5
Post by someday on Oct 8, 2008 16:36:22 GMT -5
Please excuse my language, but HOLY CRAP!!! My situation has kind of ramped up in the last, oh, 4 hours or so. My husband is now INSISTING that I quit my job immediately to care for our house. He says that he will help in any way I need him to, and he is DEMANDING that I call him on being messy and cleaning up after himself. Why the sudden change?
He saw a rat.
Yup, that's right. I knew we had mice - they brazen right out into the middle of the living room - but RATS?!? DH is now planning to seal up all of the cracks in the foundation of our house, and repair the outside attic door, and clean anything and everything I tell him to - to my specifications. Did I mention that DH is TERRIFIED of rats? He spent much of his childhood in places WAY worse than we are living now (he was homeless for a while) and used to have to check his bed for rats before going to sleep at night. He's willing to do anything to live in a rat-free environment. In fact, right after he chased it away, he picked up all of the trash in the living room and kitchen and drove it to a dumpster behind a friend's store (They said we could use it). This is not the way I would have liked for him to get involved, but I'll take what I can get at this point.
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 8, 2008 16:47:10 GMT -5
Post by notsomessyshell on Oct 8, 2008 16:47:10 GMT -5
Yay for him! A rat? Who knew that it could be that easy.. . I am so glad for you. And now you know if he slacks off the remedy is just a pet store away.
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 8, 2008 21:03:15 GMT -5
Post by limegreen on Oct 8, 2008 21:03:15 GMT -5
A rat! Who knew that was what it would take? Mind you, when I was a teen, I had a boyfriend jump on a chair because he swore he saw a cockroach - it was just a little wee cricket, . I hope he keeps up the good work.
|
|
|
Lost
Oct 8, 2008 22:06:01 GMT -5
Post by skatters on Oct 8, 2008 22:06:01 GMT -5
Someday - your user name is no longer appropriate! Someday has turned into TODAY!
Take what you can get, when you can get it!
Keep posting!
|
|