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Post by cando on Mar 9, 2013 20:11:14 GMT -5
Great job getting rid of a dress, Ellie! March 4th -- 5 bottles from DS's room, 3 bags of trash, 1 bag of bottles, 5 papers, package of Ramen noodles that I found on a pantry shelf - exp. 2009! Yikes! March 5th -- cardboard & a partial package of turkey bacon See why this thread is so important to me?! I let 2 days go by without anything (except for regular type trash)... not even a sheet of paper being tossed! Just because I was busy. Argghh! I really want to have more consistency with this and there is no reason that I cannot do this. Just ONE thing, CD! I have plenty of papers -- really, this should not be so difficult. March 8th - put book in giveaway bag. Wedding by the Sea by Abdelkader Benali. Although I did not like the writing style, I LOVED the surprise ending! CD
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Post by europegirl on Mar 11, 2013 6:11:18 GMT -5
MINI-EPIPHANY about throwing away things:I can quite easily find things I need to toss, but when I find them I often tell myself "oh yes, this I can toss, but I just need to use it 1 time first / photograph it first / blog about this first / show it to my fiance first / offer it to my brother first / bring it to the donation center 2 bus-rides away first / disassemble it and save the useful parts first / try to repair it first... But usually that "first" never comes... So when I have thoughts like that I know - after being enlightened at this forum - that I must think "I give myself amnesty to just toss it, get it out of my way as quickly as possible".... This is still HARD for me, my OCD brain tells me "no no no" when I toss things, but I hope to change my thought pattern with time... Yesterday I put a goal of finding 20 items to throw way and I laid them all out on a table, just to see how much combined space these quite useless items have been stealing from my apartment... This morning I put them in a garbage bag, which felt good! 20 ITEMS I FOUND YESTERDAY TO TOSS:- Support-pillow for holding my tripod vertically (I've never used it yet and probably never will) - Box I planned to use for paint (I need to face that fact that I rarely paint anymore) - Large broken hand mirror (I'll never fix it anyway) - Small makeup mirror with lights in it (lights don't work and I don't want to stress finding batteries) - Box of cake icing equipment (Takes up too much kitchen space. I've been saving it for the right occasion...which will never come, I rarely make cakes, I can't donate it since the icing has been opened...) - Handbag I planned to donate (not sure if anyone wants it) - Wrapping for something I planned to show my fiance (I probably will forget to do it anyway) - Toiletry bag (is too used to donate and don't match my bathroom) - Strap for luggage (don't match my suitcases and is not good quality) - Coasters for glass that was very expensive but has been stains from tea... - Pretty but empty box of cocoa power (takes up to much space on my kitchen shelf) - Old saucepot - Makeup brush (I got better quality ones now!) - Bag for hair accessories (the bag takes up more space than the accessories) - Key ring - Used chapstick - Tape dispenser - Expired pasta spice - Expired cheese spice - Empty powder case (18 + 20 = 38 items so far this year, not much, but a start)I plan to toss more today! Misssue: WTG getting rid of books! Even as a pro eBay seller I agree with you that selling books is pointless unless it's very rare valuable books or new/unused expensive books. Thanks for your encouraging words. I relate to what you wrote (on page 3) about buying in bulk and "my house looks like 3 girls live here". Tossing makeup and beauty-items is very hard for me too, I have a long way to go there. And tossing Tupperware too...that's hard because those are " so useful..." Cando: "There is no reason that I cannot do this" - such a good attitude!! And you got the most fitting nickname for that. Good job throwing 3 bags of trash and expired food! Def6: So impressive that you got rid of something as big and "useful" as a computer desk! Seashell: Great job with box for the thrift store! Sunshineshouse: Nice job on NOT saving paper for "scrap paper" (I used to do that too...) Little_Ninja: Excellent job on 2 full bags of recycling and old spices (I've been tossing spices lately too) Ponygirl: Nice work tossing shirt and catalog
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Post by misssue on Mar 11, 2013 16:50:12 GMT -5
Thanks all for keeping the thread going! Good job all. I have been missing the last few days. I have plenty of things in my pile to throw out.. but they are not mine. I have to keep going.. and here is why!
I have had a bit of a setback.. Friday my BF announced he is taking a job 90 miles away, in his old city, a big one, and MOVED out! I am in shock. I need some support and advice. This not a well paying job, it is about what he is getting in unemployment. In fact he is hired as an independent contractor. He has been unemployed for over a year, as have I. He did work last year, he gets UE until the fall. I get he wants to work, but this not much more than UE, which he will forfeit. My guy friend said he panicked a bit. I did not see this coming at all. We have been living together 3 years. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me. I have no one. I was divorced in 08 after a long term marriage and have no kids and no family. With the divorce, the job loss I have lost any friends I did have. I don't have even a friend to call and talk to. I only have my guy friend, and my BF was always the secure type that I had men friend! When I lost my job, I did not return some of their calls. That is on me. Hoarding is not good to have people over either.
I have been a wreck. We do not fight, but I know that not finding a job has took its toil on him. He said the only tie to this area is me. I own or almost own my house, I can't move. He said we did not break up. He is not a hoarder, and watching him pack what little owns, like 3 suitcases was super hard today. He is to stay at gay guy couples condo guest room as a favor. He can not afford an apartment, so that nixes me going there for weekends or even weekdays. He can not afford the gas for every weekend, though that has not come up yet. We did talk and he said we are not breaking up.. but I do feel the fear. Financially for me too, my UE up next week, he did pay me rent to live here.
I can be alone.. but fear of most older alone hoarders, days could go by and no one would ever find me if something happened. I am trying to keep things in perspective, he said he will be here Sat. This happened so fast. He said he did not think they were going to offer him this Friday.. I try and think simple as he tells me guys do. I try to not read too much in anything. He was depressed and he went to see my therapist friend on Wed.. at the last minute for free. He told me that he felt guilty for looking for work outside the state, that is why he went. I called my friend, a quick call and asked him, did BF say anything about breaking up if he got job in another state. He said he did not, only that he felt guilty about if he took one. He said to ask BF, because I am so direct, not to mention years of marriage counseling with the ex. BF said no not breaking up.. but why do I feel this way? My ex moved out a few times, and came back.. but with him it was always thats it I want a divorce. I am not that easy of woman to leave is what the T said.. because I am valuable. I am strong too..
SO any support anyone can give or advice I appreciate it. I know that europegirl has a long distance relationship.. and maybe others. I think the packing up almost EVERYTHING is what floored me. My guy friend said, well he doesn't have much to take even it is everything, unlike you and me! I have been crying on and off. He did call me this a.m. when he got there. ( I did not ask him for that). I was cheerful.. I do not beg or plead, ( did with exH, but not for long) I faked it, but on good front... just gathering up things to take to GW. He tosses things easily! You are my friends! Non hoarder, probably start cleaning.. that is not happening right now!
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Post by europegirl on Mar 11, 2013 18:01:32 GMT -5
Ah, dear misssue I'm so so sorry to read this... I'm sending you a big comforting hug!! I'm glad to hear that your BF did not actually break up with you. Yes, take it from me, long distance relationships can work very well, they only require more phone calls, more efforts to keep the fire alive, and more openness. - Sounds like your boyfriend needs to work a lot on his openness! - If not he would have shared his plans with you earlier...? As hoarders we tend to not be too open & inviting ourselves, often unintended...maybe some of that rubbed off on your boyfriend, so that he himself also have put a "wall" up? (I'm just guessing randomly from my own experience since I know that I sometimes push away my fiance without really intending too...) You have lots of people on this forum who like you and who you can consider friends (I can tell by the response your thread is getting), and we on this forum care about you... You can definitely consider me your friend Misssue! I'm sending lots of hugs your way... I don't have too much advice, but perhaps you could write your BF a long candid (but loving) e-mail?
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Post by misssue on Mar 11, 2013 18:43:23 GMT -5
Thanks so much Europegirl...And I want to add that Sunshinehouse, my friend here, we PM, and she is very supportive and special Thanks to her. I did get the trash out to the road for tomorrow. So that is my one item for today! At the rate I am going, lucky I got that done.
I can be alone, just hard after 3 years with someone. When we met he traveled for his job, and he called me all the time, almost too much. He called me for the 2nd time today, after work, asked if I was OK. I asked him about his first day. He said his friend who got him this job, the one he is living with taking him out to dinner. It was short. I have to try not to read too much into every little thing. It just feels a bit weird on the phone and my instincts are good.
I am very open, sometimes too much with him. He said he has a hard time and holds things in. He said that he want to see my therapist because he has a hard time putting his needs first and feels guilty. I thought it was more about being depressed with the job search. He claims that he did not know that they were going to make this offer on Friday when he went.. in fact got a bit defensive when I said I have not had time to adjust to this in 2 days. He said I DID not know this. I have to just hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. In the meantime, have to work on the house too.. My house is liveable, but like all hoarders, I am sure that got to him at times too.
Everyone keep going. I have to work on my fear will I need this and keep it more than ever. Money is going to be tight and that makes me hang on to things. I feel sad and that is not good for my creative side either. I need his help with my blog for my business too. I am grateful for all of you here!
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Mar 12, 2013 10:25:19 GMT -5
I can understand how you'd take this very hard indeed. If you guys have been a couple for three years, you'd think he would talk about the situation more and not leave without notice.
It's hard to know what he might have in mind, except that I've seen construction people in my town leave like that a few times. There was NO work, it was early in the Great Recession and they got desperate. The industry lost over a third of its salaried workers. Large corporations pulled back and when the real estate bubble burst, it sent tidal waves all over - furniture stores died, appliance stores died, all kinds of "furnish your new home" vendors were left grabbing bankruptcy forms instead of customer invoices. Within a year or two, houses emptied and U-Haul trucks filled up. Even guys in the military saw their families leave to go home to Ohio or any other low-cost-of-living state they'd ever traveled to or heard of. The cost of living here hardly took notice of the Great Recession. Rents went UP as desperate sellers lost their old homes - and then went down a tiny little bit as those people doubled up and lowered the pressure on rentals.
Partner had a brother who was unemployed for some two years. He eventually got a job only when his unemployment was about to expire. His mother actually found him his next job. And a friend gave him a trailer. He still lives there. It was the only time since he left high school that he was unable to find work more than a couple of weeks. It shook him up, I think.
Listen to what BF has to say. If this is an extended form of breaking up because he can't stand to say it out loud, you have to prepare for that. It sounds as if you already are preparing for that. But consider the extraordinary times we live in. This deep a recession has NOT happened before within living memory. It's possible he is NOT breaking up, he just needs to feel more secure in the economy and he wants to figure out some way of being together even if geographically apart for a while. It's a very difficult decision and he might not be entirely clear what he really thinks he can do out there but he knows one thing: it's a job. In this economy, if you belong to an endangered species (such as Blue Collar Worker or Over-40), he might feel he MUST take what he can get. There are a growing number of companies who won't even take applications from people who aren't already employed!
Sit tight. It's not over yet.
How hard are finances without him? Are the practicalities giving you anxiety too or is that secondary to changing the relationship?
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Post by misssue on Mar 12, 2013 12:24:34 GMT -5
Thank you 60 for such insight, because it helps! I welcome all support and advice.
I need you all to help me not slide into a big mess here... when I got divorced, the house was good. After the divorce, my 2nd year alone, I started to slide. And slide. Today I have to get the dishwasher emptied and reloaded. I have not left the dishes, a food processor, etc out in a long time. That was a day to day task I always did.
It really is all about a job for him, as you said. You put your finger right on it! When I asked him if he was excited about doing this, he said it is just a job! I was trying to be supportive. He spent everyday, or at least 6 days a week, going to his "office" a local coffee chain, sending out resumes etc. He worked at it 24/7, even here at night always checking on line in case something new came up. He got some interviews, got to a certain point, and no offers. He did some free and cash work, designing and setting up social media for a few places to built his portfolio. He is in a panic state. He had a another 1099 job we call them, for 4 months or more last year. I see it as he has UE for about 32 more weeks. I realized on Sunday when you file on line, that he may have thought his was ending a lot sooner, in about 4 weeks, believe me it is a complicated formula they use, each state, it took me a long time to master it. It doesn't matter, he figured that the bigger market there may be more opportunity might be his best chance. I am his only ties to this state/area.
Either way he wants to get to work, he feels he is standing still. He did make remarks that it would not be good for us if he was here in this state, unhappy working somewhere where he would be saying do you want fries with that sir? That is the big fear.. having to take something that he would do, but be even more miserable. He said how would a BF like that be good for you? He has said things like the goal is hopefully to make this something more, enough to rent a studio and be in both states. He always says he needs money, and that people who say you can be happy without money, are nuts. He told me he hopes this job leads to being hired for more money or with benefits. He also has another shot at something in that area, and said if he gets that, he would quit this job asap. I know going back wards in pay is not easy either. I know that myself. You are so right 60, about being unemployed and employers will not consider you.
I can get by. It will be very tight, but in July my house is paid for. I am sure he feels bad about me losing what he paid. He said he is always so guilty if he puts himself first. The same things that attract, like me being independent and not needy, can also turn the other way too. I am older than him, and I have more. In my world, what is mine is his, but I realized from my guy friend that he doesn't want to be taken care of either. He wants to be able to go places and do things, he said we have to sit here and figure out if we can go to a discount 5 dollar movie.. and then we wait for Redbox. He is always so thankful, thanks me for cooking, for clean sheets, and anything I do. I realize now that my trying to help, may have made him feel worse.
I have to sit tight, try and not be so anxious.Try not to read too much into anything. He has always taught me, guys are simple. Or that when we had any strife, he was over it, and I kept thinking about it, and would bring up again that I was sorry or were we OK! His lack of excitement on the phone may be nothing more than he doesn't want me to think he is having fun there or this is better for him. He was walking the dog the a.m. He loves dogs, but said part of his duties to live there. It is not over yet. I have asked him are we breaking up and he said no. I have to hang on to that. Try not to panic!
So Thanks.. and I hijacked the One Item a Day thread. Back to it as Little Ninja says..
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Mar 12, 2013 12:33:07 GMT -5
So are you talking to your psychologist friend about how to get through this transition period with the least damage and pain?
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Post by misssue on Mar 12, 2013 12:50:16 GMT -5
I have 2 guys in my life.. my guy friend and my therapist friend! My guy friend is whom I was referring to, is about the only friend I have. I called him and he gave me some nothing has happened yet. He panicked is what guy friend says. The therapist would say, don't pressure BF, Let him miss you.
I see my therapist friend a week from tomorrow. I could call him anytime and he would probably see me if I wanted to before that. Last Wed, and when BF said he was so low and maybe should talk to someone.. I said if you want me to call him, you can take my slot. He did. I called therapist when the BF was on his way back from city last Friday, and asked did BF tell you anything about breaking up? No he said, he was concerned about looking out of state and felt guilty how this would effect you. He said ask him if he wants to break up, you are so upfront and direct. I did and he said no. BUT I have no idea if he went to see T because he if he got a job, that would ease his guilt, to have explained himself to T. Since I have no one, family or support, T has always been there if I need him.
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Mar 12, 2013 13:12:37 GMT -5
You have support here. Don't forget that. I know it's not 3D but it's real and accessible day or night. We're here.
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Mar 12, 2013 13:20:59 GMT -5
I can quite easily find things I need to toss, but when I find them I often tell myself "oh yes, this I can toss, but I just need to use it 1 time first / photograph it first / blog about this first / show it to my fiance first / offer it to my brother first / bring it to the donation center 2 bus-rides away first / disassemble it and save the useful parts first / try to repair it first... But usually that "first" never comes... I have been SO there, in the exact same place! I kept telling myself it would hurt too much to dump [whatever] because it could sell for $Zillion if I just did one of a dozen things to it -- and so it hung around until it interfered with what I COULD get done! In the end, by the time I got around to most of these things, they'd already rotted, broken, fallen down behind something, been chewed, screwed and tattooed! GET RID OF IT. You don't need many reasons and they don't even have to be good ones. Just GET RID OF IT. That's my default now. If I find a clump of old t-shirts, I don't look for tall reasons to toss any. I have to find a Mt. Everest level reason to keep one.
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Post by misssue on Mar 13, 2013 13:54:24 GMT -5
Back to it.. Hope I did not scare anyone off with my emotional break down. I am trying to get a grip, and take advantage of my time alone, to get some things cleaned up around here. That includes one item a day!
Get Rid of It, as 60 said is the way to go!
2 big garbage bags of catalogs etc that BF packed up to toss. I hauled it outside, brought the wheelie garbage bin up from the road.. that I did not get yesterday. It is something!
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Post by misssue on Mar 15, 2013 1:58:44 GMT -5
This is for Thurs, but will show up as a post for the 15th! I took a page from Little Ninja. I feel asleep on the couch watching tv and woke up now, left my PC on!
I tossed out stale ends of some bread in a bags, and managed to stuff all my free sourdough I got in my freezer. We have a free bread place here! Donated by expensive places! I unplugged my big freezer long ago, this is the fridge freezer. Two bottles of Metamucil left over from my event promo job. IF the BF has not used them by now.. he is not going to. A couple of socks.. all my black match that I had a worn heel in each! Junk mail
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Post by misssue on Mar 17, 2013 9:29:29 GMT -5
Anybody out there? Did I scare ya all off with my mini crisis? Anyone doing one a day..
I have continued to toss things as I go, plastic inexpensive storage containers! A few more books to the pile. A small TV to my car to drive Goodwill donation, the kind that needs a convertor box now.. I have not used in since at least 07! I have a pile of cell phones from the BF to give to the Woman's Center. Will take Monday.
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Post by europegirl on Mar 17, 2013 18:26:48 GMT -5
misssue Glad to read you got some good friends both online and in the real world, even a therapist friend, who can support you in this difficult period... I'm still sending good vibes your way... I hope your BF will find a studio and a job soon! WTG tossing catalogs, sock, inexpensive storage containers and books. 60isolderthanithot Thanks for good advice and supportive words! 11 ITEMS TOSSED TODAY (only tiny random things, but I've been cleaning out some drawers with small items)- Kitchen equipment in silicone (partly melted) - Alarm clock that don't work too well - Old lipstick I got from someone I love (so hard to toss gifts!) - Old French soap boxes (very decorative, but I got too much decorative stuff in the bathroom) - Umbrella cover - Old body peeling gloves (I've bought new ones) - Broken nail-clipper - Small plastic container - Small cardboard box - Drink bottle I've re-used too much - Christmas wrapping paper 11 + 38 items = 49 items tossed so far this year
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