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Post by angela on Nov 25, 2013 15:13:08 GMT -5
Thank you so much for your original post PerfectMess. I am delighted for you and your family that you are out of squalor. I also applaud your goal to be mentally healthy without medication. I'm not ready yet myself but I admire those like yourself and Eagle that can really dig in and make big changes in mental functioning. I will look forward to reading about your continued progress.
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Post by Perfect Mess on Feb 15, 2023 3:49:35 GMT -5
It has been 9 and a half years since I made this post. This week has been a week of discovering old things I've written. I was in my office last night looking for my daughter's birth certificate because she's ready to get her driving learner's permit! And I found something I wrote when I was on my honeymoon with her dad in 2003. Wow... I couldn't remember writing it. Just like I couldn't remember writing this! But I read it again and it jogged my memory but only a little.
I wrote this post just before I found out my husband was lying to me behind my back AGAIN. We got separated for a few weeks, then we got together for a night and I got pregnant just like that. We stayed together for the next 7 years and then he left me in early 2021. I don't need any pity over that. I'm better off without him. But today/yesterday was Valentine's day and I was feeling really really down today.
But then I read this again. You know what this reminded me of? Back in 2006-2007, I was in a really REALLY bad place with depression. When I finally got out of it he admitted to me that it suited him that I was so depressed because it allowed him to cheat on me freely. You'd think I would have left him then, right? but noooo..
The fact that I had pulled myself up and in this post above I sounded like I was doing great, right? It was right after this that I discovered he was lying to me again. Now I KNOW he wasn't just unsupportive, he was helping me to STAY in that dark place with the gaslighting. Just as he was right before he left me. And I'm glad he was the one to leave because I never would have left him (clearly). And it's only now that I'm away from him that I have begun to be myself again.
It has been 2 years since I became single again and I'm STILL discovering truths of our relationship. smh...
Guys, If your life is spiraling it might be a good idea to look around you and see who is nearby "helping" you. Just saying...
Nice to be back reading this stuff. It's eye opening!
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Post by outfromundah on Feb 15, 2023 10:42:14 GMT -5
Guys, If your life is spiraling it might be a good idea to look around you and see who is nearby "helping" you. Just saying...
Anyway, before I go off on a tangent, back to your sentence I quoted. It is exactly what some of my mentors would say whenever relationship issues came up, and I saw the truth of it time and time again in all sorts of different relationships. If one person is struggling, look at the dynamic between the two and see what the other person is doing. It is always a revelation. Of course, in my experience, each of us are 100% responsible for our own parts in the equation. Relationships are not 50-50; they are 100-100. So, beyond seeing the negative or gaslighting people around me, I also ask myself why I sought them out or stayed connected to them for as long as I did. I am not talking about blaming myself (for, as I said, the other person is 100% responsible for their part); I am talking about looking at my internal, unconscious mechanisms that come into play and keep me stuck. And it usually boils down to long-held beliefs I have about myself. And this is why I keep reminding myself, "I am not my story."
The stories I tell myself about who I am are very old and extremely self-limiting. They come from a very young and immature me, and I believed them based on fears, observations, and other circumstances in my life, but they are are just stories and beliefs. They are not who I am. So I have to be careful about the people with whom I choose to become intimate, whether via friendship or more. Am I attracted to them because they support my old self-limiting beliefs about myself? Or can I allow myself to let in someone who sees and supports me for who I am, and who will give me the space to flourish when I am with them? It takes a lot of self-awareness, but asking those kinds of questions is worth it to me.
When the story ends, we begin.
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Post by joyinvirginia on Feb 15, 2023 18:07:35 GMT -5
Welcome back, PerfectMess! Glad to hear from you!
Glad to read your thoughts outfromundah!
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Post by Perfect Mess on Feb 15, 2023 19:38:42 GMT -5
Guys, If your life is spiraling it might be a good idea to look around you and see who is nearby "helping" you. Just saying... Hey outfromundah, thank you for your message. I get what you're saying. Of course we're all responsible for our own actions, etc. But when one partner in a relationship is suffering from serious a illness and they are so crippled emotionally that they struggle to shower, eat, get dressed, they are already in a really vulnerable place. Almost certainly they already have the negative self-talk record on replay. If you were the spouse of such a person, you can either try to help them, or not. If you're a descent human, then you help them. In my case, he was cheating (I didn't know it at the time) and did not ever try to help me. Ever. I may have been in a deep depression but it was not lost on me that he did not care which made everything worse. One day I was in bed for about 24 hours straight. Never once did he come over to see if I was still alive. Why? because it served him to have me right where I was. Still to this day I can't tell you why I never felt I should leave him. That's a whole other archeological exercise. But... all I can offer is that he was my husband. We had a family together. He said all the right things and we went to couple's counseling. I know now that he lied. He did what he needed to do to keep me from divorcing hime. If I could SEE what he was up to at the time, maybe I would have said to myself "Self, you're dying in bed and he's effing other women. you're worth more than this". But tbh, I'm not sure I was in the right frame of mind that I could even RECOGNIZE it or say anything remotely encouraging to myself like that. We just don't function properly when we're in the throws of depression like that. We are crippled. I might as well have had my arms and legs in casts. That would have been an outward reflection of the handicap in my mind, actually. If your spouse was in a full body cast, would you not offer to get them something to eat? drink? Help them bathe and get dressed, call their doctor? A married couple might be 50/50 or 100/100 as you say, but they are never 100/100 100% of the time. Life happens. One might be at 40% and the other (if they love their spouse) has a responsibility to lift their spouse and carry the extra load until their spouse has healed enough to get back to 100%. That's what it means to be in a partnership. When he broke his arm, had surgery to remove a tumor, got into an accident, and he was running at 60% and needed help. I made sure he got what he needed so that he could recover. I took care of him and everything else in the house while he recovered. When I finally recovered enough from my depression (on my own), He admitted to me that it suited him for me to be depressed and in bed. I can't imagine the thought pattern that would have made him think it was a good idea to tell me that. After he left me he said a quite a few things like that. Boggles my mind. If it's true, it's already bad. But somehow it's a good idea to admit it? Yea, I don't get that. It has been 2 years since the breakup (or the dumping) and I still can tell you I would never have left him. Ever. I was committed 100% to our marriage and our family. And I know now that I had to lie to myself and stick my head into the sand A LOT in that marriage. I was apparently really a good at walking on egg shells around him, and putting my emotional needs last. I understand that we're all responsible for our own selves. But the mind is a easily manipulated thing even on the best of days. Imagine how hard it is to find the mental fortitude to help yourself out of a toxic situation on the worst of days. (sorry for the long rant.  . I guess I still feel pretty bitter about the *** sandwich I got served by someone who was supposed to have been my biggest ally in life)
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Feb 16, 2023 4:57:10 GMT -5
Perfect Mess hello old friend! The past nine years have been .... very hard ... for me, too. Hugs!
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Post by danny15 on Feb 16, 2023 12:52:44 GMT -5
Perfect Mess I totally understand your explanation of your situation. Depression is so crippling. Even when a person tries everything short of being committed in an institution it can still overwhelm us. But keep trying to put one front in front of the other. Sometimes only minute by minute. Sometimes I read books by people who have gone thru hardships that make mine look like I'm only holding a melting ice cream cone on a hot day. Read posts by NewLifeToday she has some very inspiring things to say. And please keep posting. 
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Post by outfromundah on Feb 16, 2023 13:53:59 GMT -5
Perfect Mess, I hope my previous post did not sound like I was pointing fingers at you or saying you should have done more, or done something different.
The insights I have gotten about why I stayed in bad situations usually came well after the fact, and I know I could not have done things differently at the time.
I was so devastated when my ex left me. He did it at a crucial time in my life, after I had come out of a depression and was taking steps toward fulfilling a dream. And everything fell apart. My life was suddenly a wreck and I am still digging myself out of the hole I wound up in because of it. I still think of my ex often, and it always makes me sad, even though it has been over ten years since we separated (the divorce was official a few years later).
I guess what I was trying to say, in my clumsy way, is that it is possible to heal and learn from such devastating events, and for me it is important to examine in detail my own beliefs/behaviors and sense of self-worth so I can move forward and see more clearly how I relate and what kind of people/situations I let myself be drawn to in the future. Our situations are different, of course, but maybe there is a teensy bit of what I tried to express that might be useful for you.
I'm sorry if what I wrote was hurtful to you. I didn't mean it to be anything other than encouraging and supportive.
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Post by Perfect Mess on Feb 16, 2023 18:14:26 GMT -5
Perfect Mess, I hope my previous post did not sound like I was pointing fingers at you or saying you should have done more, or done something different.
The insights I have gotten about why I stayed in bad situations usually came well after the fact, and I know I could not have done things differently at the time.
I was so devastated when my ex left me. He did it at a crucial time in my life, after I had come out of a depression and was taking steps toward fulfilling a dream. And everything fell apart. My life was suddenly a wreck and I am still digging myself out of the hole I wound up in because of it. I still think of my ex often, and it always makes me sad, even though it has been over ten years since we separated (the divorce was official a few years later).
I guess what I was trying to say, in my clumsy way, is that it is possible to heal and learn from such devastating events, and for me it is important to examine in detail my own beliefs/behaviors and sense of self-worth so I can move forward and see more clearly how I relate and what kind of people/situations I let myself be drawn to in the future. Our situations are different, of course, but maybe there is a teensy bit of what I tried to express that might be useful for you.
I'm sorry if what I wrote was hurtful to you. I didn't mean it to be anything other than encouraging and supportive. Thank you. No no! You’re good!!! I think I was just overdue for a bit of a rant. !! It had been a while!!! And it always feels good to get it out. And I agree the process of surviving the hurt is also a learning process. Believe me I’m still discovering things. I’m sure it will go on for quite some time too. |
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