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Post by dayeanu on Sept 6, 2014 21:11:34 GMT -5
Depression is complex, but one aspect I only recently was able to verbalize to myself is that it completely flat-lines the whole reward-circuitry in my brain. When I do some small task, say clear and polish a table, I look at the gleaming surface and I feel a tiny little tingle of satisfaction. It's not huge or physical, just a feeling of satisfaction, but quite uplifting and motivating. When I am depressed, that is completely absent. No matter what drudgery I perform, I don't enjoy doing it, and once it's done, I don't feel that rewarding ping. Complete mental numbness. I'm just flat. Life is an endless, featureless, hopeless desert no matter what I do or don't do. Like Angela said, depression is not just an emotional state, it's quite physical. I had extreme fatigue as well as a variety of somatic pains during depression. It was all coming from my head, no organic cause, but the experience was still very physical and quite real. That combination, the crippling fatigue plus no sense of accomplishment or pleasure in finishing tasks, made it almost impossible to keep on keeping on with daily chores. Layering that on top of a life-long tendency to be a bit messy and lacking basic skills (that is, no dependable auto-pilot routines in place, having to consciously recognize, plan, and think about every task, every time) and it really was a recipe for squalor. The way you describe depression is exactly how I am - except that its not just depression and anxiety - its any time I get upset. I just shut down. Its a very bad thing.
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queso831
New Member
Joined: August 2013
Posts: 21
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Post by queso831 on Sept 6, 2014 23:27:39 GMT -5
Can you get back on the meds? If they helped you, I hope you can! thanks i definitely am! i have an appointment this week to get back on and possibly also on a mood stabilizer. Meds are my friends!
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Post by angela on Sept 7, 2014 0:38:25 GMT -5
The more I read the various threads we have active about depression, the more it is sinking in for me that even though I am not crying all the time, I AM STILL DEPRESSED!
Since I spent years, decades, in either rage or grief, to be absent those feelings was like, wow, I'm better huh? Well, better yes, BEST, no..
I need to get this taken care of. I want to have a healthy emotional life for ONCE in my life!
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Post by dayeanu on Sept 7, 2014 3:06:15 GMT -5
The more I read the various threads we have active about depression, the more it is sinking in for me that even though I am not crying all the time, I AM STILL DEPRESSED! Since I spent years, decades, in either rage or grief, to be absent those feelings was like, wow, I'm better huh? Well, better yes, BEST, no.. I need to get this taken care of. I want to have a healthy emotional life for ONCE in my life! GOOD FOR YOU, Angela!!! While reading your post, that sort of struck me, too. Sometimes I think maybe I (and maybe others here as well), have been depressed for so long, it just feels normal.
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Post by mouse on Sept 7, 2014 10:15:36 GMT -5
I remember the first few months after the worst of my depression lifted, when my meds finally worked to keep all my moods stabilized. It felt so great that it felt like freaking euphoria. So much so thatafter that when I plateaued I wondered if there might not be something wrong again. There wasn't, it was just that feeling okay-to-good most of the time had become normal, rather than feeling bad-to-incapable-of-getting-out-of-bed. After a while, we get used to just about anything. It's what makes humans so resilient: we're adaptable! So we come to view having no energy, being tired, having low-grade aches and pains, all the stuff that comes with depression, as being our new normal, and we just go with it. ~Mouse
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Post by PaperGrace on Sept 7, 2014 12:00:35 GMT -5
The more I read the various threads we have active about depression, the more it is sinking in for me that even though I am not crying all the time, I AM STILL DEPRESSED! Since I spent years, decades, in either rage or grief, to be absent those feelings was like, wow, I'm better huh? Well, better yes, BEST, no.. I need to get this taken care of. I want to have a healthy emotional life for ONCE in my life! I fought with this. I'm not at 'bottom' so I must be 'fine'.
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Post by serenitynow on Sept 7, 2014 16:50:34 GMT -5
I have to say Depression came first for me. Began in 2000. Lostchild if it wasn't for Adderall i would get nothing done. Though it affects me more mildly than most because I'm Narcoleptic. The depression and narcolepsy feed off each other too. I get and relate to what all of you are saying. All we can do is go day by day. Little by little. I WISH I could dig out as fast as you did Lostchild. Did you get a dumpster or manage with regular trash pick up? I want to rent a dumpster so bad. Dh won't hear of it. Dread, Have you checked out Provigil for the Narcolepsy? It has been used for ADD as well. I tried it a few years ago and it was wonderful! I was so alert and felt great. Problem is I immediately developed hives on one side of my body- 9 hrs after taking it. I thought that must have been a fluke so I tried it again. 9 hrs later, same thing . Wouldn't you know I'm allergic to the best drug I've ever used?! So it's Adderall and Wellbutrin (bupropion) for me with lackluster results. A dumpster? If wishes were fishes. Yes lostchild, I think squalor can follow major depression. It messes with your motivation and your mind. Lack of focus, trouble in making decisions, rumination, fatigue, despair- you bet they're joined at the hip. And then there's the ensuing guilt and self condemnation and shame.. serenitynow
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Post by serenitynow on Sept 7, 2014 16:59:40 GMT -5
"I fought with this. I'm not at "bottom" so I must be fine- PaperGrace
PG and Angela, So true. I keep thinking of the Gordon Lightfoot song; "Sometimes I think it's a shame when I get feeling better when I'm feeling no pain." serenitynow
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Post by serenitynow on Sept 7, 2014 17:12:27 GMT -5
"..lacking basic skills(that is no dependable auto-pilot routines in place, having to consciously recognize, plan and think about EVERY task EVERY time)" - cricket (capitals mine) so overwhelming and exhausting- particularly if one is a perfectionist. s.n.
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Post by thedreadedknock on Sept 8, 2014 8:11:08 GMT -5
I've never been a particularly tidy person—my mother is a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning, very all-or-nothing.... Growing up with this all-or-nothing mentality made me go the opposite way: I could never do it "right," so why bother at all? Yeah, not the most constructive conclusion I could have come to, but oh well. Hindsight, and all that. .....But all I hear in my head is my mother's voice telling me that I'm doing it all wrong and that it will never ever be properly done. ~Mouse I've always thought my mother's perfectionism made me go the other way. Yet, even with the squalor I still feel like I have the right to be a perfectionist. What's up with that? Serenitynow, I tried provigil years ago, when first diagnosed. I've worked my way through provigil, nuvigil, ritalin. Adderall is the only thing to consistently, noticeably work for me. That's kinda funny I'm on the same meds as you. (Their part of the cocktail anyway.) Not trying to turn this into a "Rx thread".
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Post by mouse on Sept 8, 2014 10:15:19 GMT -5
I've always thought my mother's perfectionism made me go the other way. Yet, even with the squalor I still feel like I have the right to be a perfectionist. What's up with that? Perfectionism is basically a problem with all-or-nothing thinking. "If you can't do a job properly, better not to do it at all!" As perfectionists, we're not striving for quality or for improvement, we're striving for perfection, which is unattainable. It's self-sabotage at its best, because unlike the perfectionists we learned from, who insisted that everything be done perfectly, we just give up right off the bat rather than trying for "good enough." The mindset is still there, though, so when we do try to accomplish something, our inner critic voices are that much louder and shriller, shrieking at us that we'll never get it right. It's a difficult quagmire to get out of. I'm still working hard on it myself. ~Mouse
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Post by larataylor on Sept 9, 2014 0:30:41 GMT -5
For me, squalor and depression reinforce each other, and when poverty is added, it feels like an inescapable trap. I think stress came first. My first years of marriage and having a business, I was working way too many hours while my husband cluttered up the house around me … after two or three years of this, I collapsed into depression. Then I became less and less able to do anything about the clutter.
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Post by soapyclean on Sept 9, 2014 10:47:05 GMT -5
For me, squalor and depression reinforce each other, and when poverty is added, it feels like an inescapable trap. I think stress came first. My first years of marriage and having a business, I was working way too many hours while my husband cluttered up the house around me … after two or three years of this, I collapsed into depression. Then I became less and less able to do anything about the clutter. I could have written all of this. I'm not working right now, with no ideas as to when I will go back to work. Having my own business nearly killed me, years of 6-7 days of work a week, work brought home, financial insecurity, etc.
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Post by larataylor on Sept 9, 2014 11:11:13 GMT -5
Soapyclean - I could deal with stress when I was younger. I had the energy to respond to challenges with hard work and determination. But I think we can reach a point of overload. Now a really stressful day is followed by several days of complete exhaustion.
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Post by angela on Sept 10, 2014 12:38:16 GMT -5
larataylor not pressing like 'cause I like what you're experiencing, just to acknowledge and empathize. I worked SO hard when in my 20's and also in my 30's taking care of Grandpa and the place. I recently did two years of 6 day a week, sometimes more working in shops, all part-time jobs. I became suicidal. My whole life was wrapped up in work and money and not much else. I can't do that to myself again. I know for me too I worked while in burn-out, which is a real physical phenomenon! So now my body is practically allergic to overstress, I never did build up my reserves again.
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