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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 15, 2014 6:56:56 GMT -5
I read a lot of self help books. I can't say I have been dramatically changed by any particular one but I just finished the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and had a mini epiphany. I don't know how to ADDRESS said epiphany but I feel like I've gained a bit of clarity over the repercussions and lack of action of a clean home. Dr. Chapman says take a look at how someone treats you to figure out how they like to be treated.
The Five Love Languages are
1)Acts of Service 2)Words of Affirmation 3)Quality Time 4)Physical Touch 5)Receiving Gifts
My top two love languages are acts of service and quality time. Quality time, to me, is NOT "hanging out together at home" unless it is a special occasion. (Like a holiday.) And it is certainly not quality time to do laundry together or do yard work together. Quality time at home would be playing a game, or taking a walk, or watching a movie, and sharing meals at the table. Quality time also includes time set aside for one specific person in your life and focusing on them in a meaningful way. I spend alot of physical time with my family but almost none of it is quality time unless I move to accomodate their wishes and desires all the time. The funny thing is that Quality Time is not THEIR love language. My husband will say that it is enough to know I am in the same room. That is not quality time. So how does lack of quality time with my family effect my cleaning abilities? It makes me feel like a maid. Which breeds resentment. Which saps me of motivation to clean. The worst part is if I have to DEMAND quality time the way I need it they resent ME and it becomes hopeless.
My second love language is Acts of Service. I am not talking about someone making me breakfast, or opening doors for me, or cleaning my car for me. I mean doing things for me occasionally that I either can't do, have difficulty with, or can be distasteful. For instance I usually take out the litter. It would be nice if someone would take initiative and do that chore for me once in a while without me asking. Ditto with the garbage. Or what about getting new tires on my car (when I had one) instead of having me wait with a toddler at the tire shop? Or if I am sick doing chores around the house so that I don't have double the work when I feel better? A lot of the choices I've made in regards to cleaning my house (like ignoring the cats and garbage) less to do with not wanting to do those chores and more to do with trying to point out to my family that I should HAVE to be the one to do those yucky chores all the time. If I lived alone would I be resentful about having to change the litter? No. It would just be a chore that needs to be done no matter how distasteful. The other thing that gets my goat also is that other people in my home are not bothered by the same things I am bothered by.
Receiving gifts. I do not buy or bring much into my home except for necessities. My husband on the other hand is constantly buying and hoarding. I think, now, that it is his way of "receiving gifts". Gifts that he gives himself because he feels that no one will do it for him in a way that would make him comfortable or not look selfish or consumeristic. (For instance he will not buy gifts for people but he will bring them things they don't want or need which is a form of gift giving.) In order for him to feel respected I cannot remove his stuff from the home because it is like removing a gift he gave to himself.
Words of affirmation. H is big on words of affirmation. I could give two figs whether or not he thinks I did a good job cleaning or stacking wood. H is actually quite good at handing out compliments. To me words are just words. Do the deed to back them up. HELP me clean or stack wood. Don't just pat me on the back. My H on the other hand needs copious amounts of praise to function at a higher level. H says I am never happy and don't want to be around him anymore. I guess that is true. I am incapable of the amount of verbal attention that he needs to function at a level that will reflect in the household. That is a deficiency on my part.
I really don't need a lot of physical touch anymore. Maybe that is a function of age. I still enjoy snuggling with the little one or hugging my eldest once in a while. But those forms of touch are unconditional. I don't feel like I have to dress up or have the house sparkling to deserve a hug. The truth is, though, that many times when your house is a mess you let yourself go (or vice versa). Maybe I've just trained myself to be this way. Maybe a cleaner home would make me feel better enough to address my appearance?
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yetipants
New Member
Joined: July 2014
Posts: 47
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Post by yetipants on Oct 15, 2014 8:37:03 GMT -5
I think the concept of the love languages is really on target. My #1 is Words of Affirmation. My least important is Receiving Gifts. Unfortunately my husband likes to give gifts! His #1 is Physical Touch, and I try to remember that.
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Post by hurricane on Oct 15, 2014 9:44:34 GMT -5
Words of affirmation. H is big on words of affirmation. I could give two figs whether or not he thinks I did a good job cleaning or stacking wood. H is actually quite good at handing out compliments. To me words are just words. Do the deed to back them up. HELP me clean or stack wood. Don't just pat me on the back. My H on the other hand needs copious amounts of praise to function at a higher level. H says I am never happy and don't want to be around him anymore. I guess that is true. I am incapable of the amount of verbal attention that he needs to function at a level that will reflect in the household. That is a deficiency on my part. I have read that book and found it really helpful....to a point. My husband is also an "affirmations" person and needs so much verbal praise to feel good in life I simply cannot manage it. I feel as if I am constantly stroking his ego and it drives me crazy. Of course I am not an affirmations person, and I feel as you do....that words are bull-crap and it's your behavior that counts. I have basically no time or care for words, and to him it's everything. I do think it is a deficiency on our parts that we cannot give selflessly enough to meet our partner's need for love in a certain way....just as WE would also like love to be shown to us in a certain way (my languages are receiving gifts and acts of service). He also is exhausted by trying to meet my needs, and giving gifts and acts of service aren't even on his radar. One would think it would help if we would each try a little, but because our languages are so foreign to each other, it takes a lot of energy to think of them and then DO them. It could also be that we are in an incredibly stressful time in our lives and neither of us has an ounce of energy to spare. I'm not sure what the solutions are here. When your partner doesn't value your language of love and has great difficulty doing them (I'm speaking of both partners here), where does that leave you?
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Post by PaperGrace on Oct 15, 2014 9:57:25 GMT -5
I've read a version of that book: The Five Love Languages of Children. It's pretty neat. The Gift one gives a lot of insight about having trouble letting go of things. He did a good job of highlighting that it wasn't materialism, but a visual reminder of various people/places/feelings for most kids.
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Post by puzzleqt on Oct 15, 2014 10:42:08 GMT -5
This book was a huge game changer for me. Understanding that just because I'm giving lots and lots of love, doesn't equate to that person feeling loved. It's easy to give the type of love we need to receive. It's so much harder to give the love that isn't one of our primary love languages. Also, understanding that they are legitimate needs that need to be acknowledged and somehow met, was totally eye opening. Changing dynamics, learning to be ok with each other's limitations and creative work arounds, takes lots of patience and commitment.
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Post by larataylor on Oct 15, 2014 11:54:02 GMT -5
desireelafleur - sometimes I feel like we're twins. I've read the book, and I think it's very insightful and useful. Though I don't like putting people into a gender box, I think some Love Languages are more typical for men, and some more typical for women. My DD came across this, too … and she came to me and said, "the problem here is that you and (DH) don't understand each other's Love Languages. He wants N and Q, and you want X and Y." And she was absolutely spot on! DH wants affirmation and physical touch, and deals them out in spades. To me this feels like: What's wrong with your ego? Stop praising me and DO something. And, Put me down and get your hands off me--I have work to do! I guess Acts of Service is big for me. I spend most of my time "serving" my family, and I can slide into feeling like an unloved and unappreciated slave when they don't do anything to help, and just leave messes around for me to clean up. It would mean *so* much to me for someone to clean a litter box, take the trash out, or do some dishes. Words of appreciation mean very little to me, and sound very hollow, whereas a little bit of action would be very heart-warming. I would love it if a bit of the "physical love" went to our home, property, and cars. Some men really seem to love and care for these things. But no--it's purely a body thing, that continually gets in the way of keeping up with all the work he dumps on me!
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Post by hurricane on Oct 15, 2014 12:23:41 GMT -5
I noticed everyone who posted said their men need lots of affirmations. I wonder if this is because they are operating in a deficit in their relationships. For example: perhaps my husband needs SO MUCH praise to feel good (to me it feels like a totally excessive amount of praise) because he goes for long stretches where I forget to do it. Maybe if I could consistently praise him he would even out and not need quite so much of it. Since I get caught up in life and forget to compliment him for periods of time, he goes into an affirmations deficit and just needs more and more until he gets enough.
I once kept giving him affirmations throughout the day, and told him to tell me when he felt like he'd gotten enough. By gawd ladies, I was so exhausted from singing his praises for *16 hours* I felt like ripping out my tongue.
I definitely see how this "deficit" idea relates to acts of service for me. My husband hasn't done an act of service for me (I'm talking help with the cleaning) in so long I can't even remember it. I'm resentful about this.....I think he should have to clean the whole house from top to bottom 1000X to even begin to make up for what I've done in these past years. That's *really* unlikely to happen.
It just goes to show how resentment is a sneaky devil. Even if you've figured out the cause of it, doing the solution is not always an easy fix.
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Post by lostchild on Oct 15, 2014 12:37:08 GMT -5
My languages are acts of service and gift giving. I find that I like something done for me because I am so independent that rarely does anything happen I don't do myself so I value someone taking my needs into account to do something especially if I wouldn't do it for myself like my exhubby I'd getting stuff for house including hinges for the door,drapery hooks and an ink cartridge for my printer.
I love gifts. I love giving them especially when they are suitable and something that elicits a smile or become something that brings a good memory.
Words I can always here but those two things mean a lot. Service is a big one for me because I just find doing things for people is part of me giving my best part of me!
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Post by lostchild on Oct 15, 2014 12:40:16 GMT -5
My ex husband said something strange to me today...that we were supposed to be together and that our divorce wasn't supposed to be. He was holding me at the time. I keep thinking the same thing in my mind sometimes! I miss him sometimes.
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Post by larataylor on Oct 15, 2014 13:12:31 GMT -5
My ex husband said something strange to me today...that we were supposed to be together and that our divorce wasn't supposed to be. He was holding me at the time. I keep thinking the same thing in my mind sometimes! I miss him sometimes. I know a couple who divorced in the middle of child-rearing, and then got re-married after all the kids were grown up. Not the "normal" pattern, but everyone seems happy now! I'm sure the kids have some issues about "why couldn't they get along when we were growing up?" but I don't really know.
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 15, 2014 16:56:18 GMT -5
desireelafleur - sometimes I feel like we're twins. I've read the book, and I think it's very insightful and useful. Though I don't like putting people into a gender box, I think some Love Languages are more typical for men, and some more typical for women. My DD came across this, too … and she came to me and said, "the problem here is that you and (DH) don't understand each other's Love Languages. He wants N and Q, and you want X and Y." And she was absolutely spot on! DH wants affirmation and physical touch, and deals them out in spades. To me this feels like: What's wrong with your ego? Stop praising me and DO something. And, Put me down and get your hands off me--I have work to do! I guess Acts of Service is big for me. I spend most of my time "serving" my family, and I can slide into feeling like an unloved and unappreciated slave when they don't do anything to help, and just leave messes around for me to clean up. It would mean *so* much to me for someone to clean a litter box, take the trash out, or do some dishes. Words of appreciation mean very little to me, and sound very hollow, whereas a little bit of action would be very heart-warming. I would love it if a bit of the "physical love" went to our home, property, and cars. Some men really seem to love and care for these things. But no--it's purely a body thing, that continually gets in the way of keeping up with all the work he dumps on me! I bet your like me where it doesn't have to be all the time either, just every once in a while. Oh, look, the litter (composter, garbage etc etc) is full. Let me clean it out for Mom since I know she usually takes care of it. Oh, Mom doesn't enjoy nature walks (i have a mild tick/poison plant phobia), what about a free concert in the park or judging the sandcastles at the beach this weekend....I can't even begin to stress how encouraging this would be toward alleviating some of my depressive symptoms. I'm not trying to make other people responsible for my happiness but to know that depression is an actual burden would help so much...
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 15, 2014 17:02:32 GMT -5
Words of Affirmation don't have to be praise and/or compliments. It can be as simple as saying "thank you" for the person who needs that to feel like they are getting meaningful verbal acknowledgement. So often, we forget to thank the people closest to us for the little things, I think. Words of Affirmation can also be as simple as adding "I love you" at the end of a note or remembering to give a birthday card with something nice written inside. Making an effort to use the Love Languages doesn't need to be complicated. The actions taken can be very simple. I made a mistake when I said my ex's main LL's were Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts. Instead of Receiving Gifts, it was Acts of Service. But the Gift thing came pretty close behind those two (we all have some percentage of all these things). It would be so helpful if our partners would read the book and do the quiz. I actually read the quiz to him so I know what he likes but since he won't read the book he has no idea what I like. I am also of the mind that speaking the wrong language can cause anger in a partner. It's not simply about your language NOT being spoken, even simplistically, but people using the wrong language all together and then expecting mind reading on top of it. For someone who has anxiety disorder and depression like me frustration builds up quickly and I externalize through my surroundings..if my surroundings are an indication of my mental health I am in so much deep muckety muck right now...
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Post by Arwen on Oct 15, 2014 17:35:59 GMT -5
I just realized after reading these posts (thank you contributors) that my DH is also a words of affirmation person.
A while back when he was under pressure from extra work and the commute I made an effort to include at least one extra act of service particular to him every day. I'm talking little things like putting his socks away in his sock drawer instead of leaving them paired up and on the end of the bed, or putting out the bins on trash day or making his evening cup of tea. I realized after a while...these things are part of his wind-down from work routine and he would really rather do them himself *as well as* do something extra for me.
His #1 LL to me is acts of service. What I crave/need most is quality time. My #1 LL to him is also acts of service. What he needs most is affirmation.
Gifts and physical touch both sit somewhere in the middle for both of us.
I'm not good on words of affirmation (other than regular thanks) for him as I am to our children - because they're growing fast and learning new skills all the time. One reason I think I neglect his affirmation needs is because, same as some others have said, I don't care for affirmation too much myself.
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Post by cyn on Oct 16, 2014 7:41:43 GMT -5
The truth is, though, that many times when your house is a mess you let yourself go (or vice versa). Maybe I've just trained myself to be this way. Maybe a cleaner home would make me feel better enough to address my appearance? Oh boy, is that ever true! When I was at my lowest, I lived in my clothes. Or my nightgown. I was depressed and didn't care about anything, *least* of all how I looked or what the house looked like. I made a conscious effort to address my appearance a few months ago: I made myself get up and dress myself in something I liked. Now it's to the point that I'll get up, put something nice on, and then have to change into something more suitable for cleaning, ha ha. But it's made a huge impact on my attitude, and that's something that *had* to change, for me to actually make changes.
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Post by lostchild on Oct 16, 2014 8:21:54 GMT -5
I respond in acts of giving a lot but I find that many people interpret it as my duty. So called friends with problems have been dropping kids off at my house when I have things to do. I frankly am getting frustrated because the kids are so happy here but I am on serious deadlines and am not getting things I need done.
One child cried the whole time she was here (6 hours) because her family problems have become so overwhelming for her...she's nine. I find myself trying to comfort her but there's nothing I can do to materially help her but listen. Exhubby is setting up an outing for them to help kids because its so bad. But I am tired of feeling used by my style of loving. I feel like the mother is taking advantage but I feel bad for the kids.
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