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Post by larataylor on Nov 11, 2014 17:26:27 GMT -5
Desiree - thinking about you with love and concern … wishing you strength and clarity to deal with your tough situation.
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Post by wind on Nov 11, 2014 19:58:51 GMT -5
You two seem locked in a battle of wills right now....I've been there myself with my spouse. One of you is going to have to be the hero here and stop the cycle. This is going to be painful, so the job of cleaning might help distract you (try not to stew at him while cleaning, which is my bad habit). Start by asking him for NOTHING. I mean NOTHING....go on that way for weeks, even months if necessary. Just do it all yourself, or hire it done, or ask a friend to help, whatever. If he asks you to do something, nicely say that you're involved with your own projects for the moment and won't be able to help him for the time being (it's imperative to try and say this nicely and not with snark). After some time goes by your hubs will see you working and cleaning, and more importantly, he'll realize you didn't ask/nag/demand him to do anything either...this might start to diffuse his anger and resistance. In the end he may never clean but your relationship will improve. I understand this is not fair and that you're the one doing all the work. The thing is he's not going to do it and he's made that perfectly clear. By doing this exercise you could get a clean house and maybe a better marriage out of the deal. If you don't change your behavior though nothing in your house will change and your marriage will continue to be stressed. It's up to you to take the reigns....it's hard, but a lot of times it's better than sitting in the misery that's currently stewing. Trust me, I have sat in a lot of misery and decided action was way better! Have you ever red Fivecat 's story? She also had to do it herself, with a non-helping spouse, and she was up against many obstacles. See link below: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/thread/123/hi-fivecatAfter I desqualored/dehoarded (and I did it alone) and kept the house super clean for months, but husband DID start cleaning. If he makes a mess, he cleans it up himself. I asked him to please start wiping up his hair in the sink after shaving, and he always does it now. I He's never going to take over the job of dishes or laundry, but he does a lot of little thing. It improved our relationship tremendously, because I used to RAGE over housework issues and really feel like a slave. (I also didn't understand that he's a mild hoarder and figure out how to communicate with him and deal with that.) My husband is overall a nice person, though. I'm not sure the OPs husband is.
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Post by larataylor on Nov 19, 2014 9:48:51 GMT -5
desireelafleur - I'm very happy to see you posting again. I've been worried about you! I hope things are looking up, or resolved, or at least manageable. Hugs and love. Lara
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Post by desireelafleur on Nov 19, 2014 10:48:33 GMT -5
Thanks, Lara....I am not good in a crisis yet. I tend to hunker down with anxiety. Things are manageable for the time being. Extra meds, more sleep, therapy, and prayers from friends are helping me cope. The future is still terrifying, but my counselor says that worrying about the future is unproductive anxiety...
I forgot how much I like posting here.....
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Post by lostchild on Nov 19, 2014 12:34:31 GMT -5
desireelafleur whether you're good in a crisis or not take care of yourself properly. Try to also put some structure in place to prevent problems so you will be less stressed!
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Post by desireelafleur on Nov 19, 2014 13:17:16 GMT -5
I have developed a cleaning structure which helps to reduce stress. If only I could be so proactive with DS and H.....but somehow, for some reason, they don't listen. *whistle*
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