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Post by dayeanu on Jan 11, 2015 21:37:55 GMT -5
spaciousliving, thank you. Unswamping said, "My therapist constantly reminds me of this. I had found a two year old grocery store receipt. I started crying. That one little piece of paper, that should have been throw out two years ago, brought back all the horrible memories of that traumatic year. My therapist gently reminded me that that year was over, i survived. I wasnt likely to return the food i bought, it was gone a long time ago, the receipt could go in the trash. That i didnt need this receipt to remember that difficult time, it was a part of me, yes but it was a part of my *past*. I can let it go. i think part of why that receipt seemed so powerful was i spent that year just trying to survive, i didnt have the energy to deal with the feelings about what was happening to me. The feelings got stuffed down. Then when i was in a safer place, i could deal with the feelings and then let them go. I could let all the papers related to that year go. i like spaciousliving s idea of putting a plant or something beautiful in that corner. I will do that when i finally clear it out." You make a good point here. If I avoided dealing with the feelings, for whatever reason, it will need to come out at some point - maybe when cleaning out. I had not really thought of that.
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Post by spaciousliving on Jan 11, 2015 21:46:00 GMT -5
For me losing my Mom was very traumatic because i loved and adored her so much. My awful father made me clear out her sde of the closet the nest days and brng it to my home. But her things actually held wonderful memories. do not know if you lost a wonderful or bad relatonship. But her things helped me celebrate the person i most loved.
But except for a few things, most i asked the salvation army to remove. Her things were not her. Beng alone the first time in a dressing room listening to another mother and daughter getting another size or sharing opinons, made me fall to the floor in tears. After a few years, i would turn to some nice lady in a dressing room and ask her, could adopt you for a few mins as my mom and tell me what you think of this. i would tell this woman that asking her to be a stand in was a real honor and then me and ths stranger would celebrate my mom.
i do not live in the place where my mom lived. My mom used to love the music from the play La Cage Aux folles and would sing to me "Life is a celebration with you on my arm" And i sing that in the car and smile.
For me it was time plus a need to keep her in my heart and smile.
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Post by angela on Jan 11, 2015 22:04:28 GMT -5
spaciousliving thank you for your personal story about your Mom. You have a wonderful way of honoring her as you go through your current daily life. My ghosts aren't particularly people I have lost. I don't have complicated feelings about death. Mostly my ghosts are the HUGE mistakes I have made in my own life or the loss of ideas, dreams, relationships, ideals, etc., etc. I don't want to tell my friend's secrets but I will share this one thing. We are purging MOST of her possessions as she prepares to move. Yesterday, we went into the memorabilia from her younger days. We tossed 95% of it, including yearbooks, trophies, diplomas, etc. As she said, she knows she graduated. She is not interested in revisiting those days, even the good times, as the contrast between her current reality and her youth and potential is just not a positive thing. I am considering following her example. Why put myself in a position where I am reminded of, then once again mourning the loss of the life I thought I was going to lead?
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Post by ohblondie on Jan 12, 2015 8:24:24 GMT -5
angela Mostly my ghosts are the HUGE mistakes I have made in my own life or the loss of ideas, dreams, relationships, ideals, etc., etc. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by lostchild on Jan 12, 2015 14:36:42 GMT -5
My dining room is becoming a doom room. Baby has spilled slurpee juice on wood floor, dining table covered in papers because cats scattered everything I sorted. Daughters room is irritating because she doesn't want a shelf for storage but wants to keep everything.
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Post by wit on Jan 12, 2015 15:22:49 GMT -5
I went through some papers from a traumatic shameful failure time of my life a few years ago, and it still makes me feel kind of sick to think about them. But for me not having them hanging over my head (though there may be more somewhere in my desk or files or at my parents' house) does feel good.
In my case, I asked myself if waiting to deal with this stuff was going to make it easier. It wasn't. But every time I avoided it caused pain. So the question became are you going to end up with:
original pain + avoidance pain x 5 years OR original pain + avoidance pain x 6 years
And one day I just did it. Pretty awful, but then it was done.
Now, your trauma corner situation might be very different; do the right thing for you right now! But I wanted to put my story out there in case someone else is feeling like today is the day to stop avoiding.
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Post by spaciousliving on Jan 12, 2015 18:01:26 GMT -5
spaciousliving thank you for your personal story about your Mom. You have a wonderful way of honoring her as you go through your current daily life. My ghosts aren't particularly people I have lost. I don't have complicated feelings about death. Mostly my ghosts are the HUGE mistakes I have made in my own life or the loss of ideas, dreams, relationships, ideals, etc., etc. I don't want to tell my friend's secrets but I will share this one thing. We are purging MOST of her possessions as she prepares to move. Yesterday, we went into the memorabilia from her younger days. We tossed 95% of it, including yearbooks, trophies, diplomas, etc. As she said, she knows she graduated. She is not interested in revisiting those days, even the good times, as the contrast between her current reality and her youth and potential is just not a positive thing. I am considering following her example. Why put myself in a position where I am reminded of, then once again mourning the loss of the life I thought I was going to lead? Thank you for your honesty. My life did not go as it "should" have either but I also know I really didnt have a chance in hell given the foundation I grew up with. My dad was such an evil narcissist that I was having panic attacks by 2nd grade...straight A student, afraid of everything, and even though beat the odds of working in National TV News broadcasts and other hard to get jobs, I could not handle the panic I always felt, and when I should have been elated about promotions, I couldnt breathe. My father just threw out all awards or links to me, he erased me so I dont have those things either. This week I got a call from a friend who is now a very successful film producer to meet her and my TV icon for decades to come to his 90th birthday party in NYC. Terrified. Via email I pitched him a movie idea who he discusses with an academy award winning movie writer who is very interested. Pahleeze dont make me go to LA. None of these people know the anxiety/panic and hole in the wall life I lead. I am very funny, I am a good writer, and I cant tell them. Plus it kinda feels good to be looked on as special not damaged, but at a distance please. With no connections or support I worked for CBS NBC first seasons of SNL, Improv comedy in LA, until I could not fake the outside with the insides. You cant see it. Its not a broken leg. I have learned to conduct entire conversations in full blown panic. Even with the supposed support vets are getting with PTSD, in real life, people are scared and move away from you if your problem in of a mental health nature. I have told people I have MS because that is an "acceptable" disease which mimics many of the feels I have. If only this Hole in the Wall gang of ours could be in real contact....we would be laughing and feeling a sense of belonging and be understood. I did not have that "supposed" life, I did not also have some of the terrible lives people lead around the world. They would trade one day of my life with the strife and horror they live with. So I guess its about counting blessings and accepting and appreciating the experiences I did have which few do. I also worked for an airline pre 9/11 and flew around the world for free. I have a home, 2 dogs, enought to cover bills, medical insurance. What I do not have, not material things, I dont care about that, close friendships, is my goal. I am not longer the Gumby that can even bend to do the things I should have done. I HATE the word should. Ghosts. Today I breathe. I talk to you all. Do you care if I was the head cheerleader or head writer or CEO? Of course not.
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Post by lostchild on Jan 12, 2015 18:44:01 GMT -5
spaciousliving and angela when people try to erase us out of their lives its because they are threatened by our successes. Think about it. You succeeded in spite of hellhole beginnings.
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Post by Irisheyes on Jan 12, 2015 20:16:56 GMT -5
What is a TRAUMA CORNER? A TRAUMA CORNER is an area of your space that you constantly avoid. It may TRIGGER horrible memories. You may TREMBLE at the mere thought of entering that space. Examples of a TRAUMA CORNER are: A space where your departed loved one's belongings are, or where they used to frequent. A space where you have thrown paperwork/items from a particularly traumatic event. A space that you have dreaded facing for so long, you simply pick ANY area except that one. A space that.... (you fill in the gap).... Sometimes, part of us dies inside from a TERRIBLE event in our lives. Our bodies protect us by going into denial and we avoid facing the issue for self-preservation. Even seeing something that reminds us of it is enough to wipe us out for days on end with misery. This thread will hopefully help some of us to heal a little bit and choose to: Continue avoiding it as it is just too painful right now... Choose to chat about our fears at a comfortable level... Crack open the walls and step in and face the TRAUMA CORNER and get it under control... My TRAUMA CORNER is my desk area with paperwork and a nearby bookshelf with more paperwork. It is traumatic, because facing the contents of that paperwork is way too much for me - it brings back horrible memories, it triggers thoughts that hurt me and it is like the worst part of my life is there just haunting me. I need to continue avoiding it a bit longer, but speaking about it may help me just be brave enough to delve in and start facing some of it. I have to find certain papers and this is hard. It is like trying to walk through a war zone to pick some apples from a tree and somehow not see casualties as you go. I have another day's grace to just plod through the rest of the house without facing my TRAUMA CORNER. But next week, I do have to dive and go through the whole lot to find the pieces I need. It's enough to make me sick the thought of it is so daunting, I feel like Superman trying to fight Kryptonite! What is your TRAUMA CORNER? Yes, THIS, Kimmy, plus so much of what everyone else has described as their trauma corners, trauma houses, trauma innards, trauma lives. And yet, I also have to include the parts about knowing my life has been better than most of the world's population. I have to admit it remains better even now, after so many bad things have happened. It's very discombobulating, having so much good interspersed and/or interrupted with traumas. Still, we can and should acknowledge the trauma, and not feel as if we are ungrateful, whiny and weak because bad things happen and hurt us while we are living our otherwise relatively good lives. I could go on sounding experienced and wise, but that might make it seem as though I have this trauma business all figured out. Nope. I definitely don't. All I truly know is that I must face these demons and beat them, because they certainly are not going to win against me in the end. Not an option. I AM tough enough to best these beasts. Still, thinking of the battles makes me want to throw up. Argh!
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Post by dayeanu on Jan 12, 2015 21:51:03 GMT -5
spaciousliving, yes, genuine friendships, meaningful relationships, is what I yearn for, even though my difficult upbringing makes it very hard to have and maintain relationships. I love what you said about much of the world's population longing to have a life like ours, in spite of all the difficulties we had and do face. Irisheyes, you said it very well: "And yet, I also have to include the parts about knowing my life has been better than most of the world's population. I have to admit it remains better even now, after so many bad things have happened." wit, love what you said: "Original pain + avoidance pain X 5 years, or Original pain + avoidance pain X 6 years." It's my choice, isn't it.
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Jan 12, 2015 22:07:28 GMT -5
WOW, I am in awe!!!! Such powerful, moving, honest answers. You all have no idea how much you have helped me - I am going to read these again and again and again. It is hard for me to read them as I must face my own demons while doing so, but thank you It reminds me of a situation I once heard of where the old newspapers found in a home dated precisely the day this gentleman's partner passed away. Nothing had been touched since. I don't blame him, poor soul. I think this is a big reason why we are misunderstood - it is rarely spoken of. Whether it is the whole home or just a corner, trauma is real and frightening and freezes you in time as a survival mechanism. My whole home too was a trauma corner once. And yes, I admit I have used a spade to clean with! So, never feel alone. Only wish I had have had a bulldozer!
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Post by Unswamping on Jan 13, 2015 0:57:53 GMT -5
Warrior Kimmy so many of us have discovered that we werent alone in our struggles through your original post and photos. Please know that now, you are not alone, that you have the support of everyone here as you work through this. Someone here told me to picture them standing beside me, cheering me on as i did a difficult task. I hope that you can picture some of us standing beside you, cheering you on. I say some because i dont think we would all fit inside your house, not because we are not standong behind you. You are not alone.
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Post by spaciousliving on Jan 13, 2015 1:30:44 GMT -5
My suggestion: For those of you who have a physical trauma corner that needs cleanng up ( not metaphorcaLly speakng) a real mess of papers. letter. photos etc.....DO NOT MAKE THE CLEANiNG PROCESS A THERAPY SESSiON.
You will get sidetracked in with some small post-it and start reminincing and get tired, and will retreat from that project another month, year, decade.
Whether it is a really safe friend or family member who you can explain that you need to clear this out and not get caught up in every matchbook and be asked what about this over and over, or better yet hire someone anal rentative pro maid who has no emotion towards this heap of regrets and just tell her to put the photos in one box, important papers in another and whatever else you NEED in another box and just have her throw it all out. sweep the floor, clean/polish the desk. You can pray to your higher power and leave her alone with the project.
While she cleans your corner go out and shop for a gorgoues plant for the desk.
if you havent needed anything in the pile for years, likely you do not need it. in AA they tell you to get sober first and then do all the self examination.
De-clutter and then see how you are feeling. Give yourself the gift of not holdng on to the remmants of the trauma. once done you can move on to other things. Come out from the covers and be rid of these toxins iin your environment. Could take one hour with a helper or maid. Good luck Marian
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Jan 13, 2015 3:06:56 GMT -5
If only it were that simple Spaciousliving. I do agree with the notion that leaving our emotions at the door and going in like a maid may straighten things up, but it is hard for many of us to even look at the stuff and walk in the door and touching it means gross anxiety and pain. The point is, we don't and can't trust anyone with "our" stuff. We are emotionally binded to it and the mere thought of someone else deciding that piece of paper is rubbish because it contains nothing but a hard-scrawled message on it is painful when that hand-scrawled message is the last note our mother wrote to us before dying. I think our affliction with our trauma corners - whether the whole house or just the top of the TV - goes a lot deeper than simply "tidying and cleaning". The remnants of the trauma may be the only memories that we have to give us comfort and joy. We simply can't face straightening them up right now, because the emotions are still hurting. It could take one hour with a helper or maid, or it could set the Squaloree back 50 years in their progress by having to face the trauma way too soon. That said, I am getting ready to take on your advice and everyone's here. The thought of having you all in MY trauma corner is a GREAT IDEA! And as for me, I have no choice, I must enter the TRAUMA CORNER and play maid. I think everyone is at a different stage and I will give this example.... Today I read this and it was confronting, but true. I want help and need help and reading all these examples has helped me to develop some hard and fast techniques.... Flashback to a year ago when a real estate person unexpectedly had to be invited in. My house was PERFECT, except for the TRAUMA CORNER . She took one look and started! "What is this? Look at this!" I calmly explained that "this" was a project in work, something I had a lot of trouble dealing with, but that I was working on, that it was a recognised medical issue, but that I was taking steps to heal and address the mess. (By the way, the mess is limited to a 1 x 3m area in a corner. "But come on," she declared, "Look at this old Christmas card! THAT is rubbish! Look at this crumbled piece of paper, THAT is rubbish!" I stared at her for a moment and then I believe the house shook as I screamed... "THAT old Christmas card may be rubbish to you, but that is because YOUR friend is still alive who sent you a card 6 years ago! MINE ISN'T. THAT crumbled piece of paper you think is rubbish was just used in a litigation proceedings - and my group who sued people used THAT one bit of crumbled paper to win a whole case..." And THAT was the END of THAT conversation. In a fit of anger after they left, I bulldozed the lot into a smaller, neater looking mess, then collapsed in tears and was wiped out with anxiety and sorrow for about 6 months. The real estate person walked in this year and was full of compliments for "the work in progress" amd "how much better it looks". Sometimes a shake up works and sometimes it sets you back. Will be reading these messages yet again today as motivation!!!
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Post by Warrior Kimmy on Jan 13, 2015 3:14:11 GMT -5
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