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Post by meredithkat on Oct 16, 2016 7:55:05 GMT -5
I'm not sure anyone will sit and read through this post but it's something I've needed off my chest for awhile. I was raised a life of squalor. Even to choke out those words puts a deep pit in my stomach. I consider it a dark past and try my best to pretend it never happened--but there is no escaping. It haunts me almost everyday.
My parents divorced when I was 12ish. From there, my mother bought a small 3 bedroom house for her, my brother, my sister and I. Almost instantaneously the house became a wreck. My mom being a single over worked mother, had no issue with this. So I stepped up and kept the house clean. I would spend hours each week scrubbing every nook and cranny of the household. Picking up trash, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, basically just everything that needed to be done in the house. This went on for a couple years. Eventually I grew tired of it. No one else care in the house but myself. I wasn't living a normal life. I lived In a terribly messy house that would only become clean when and if I did something about it. I gave up. I escaped into my room which was my sanctuary and never left when I'd be home. I grew apart from my family who continued to inhabit the household and create more squalor while I spent as much time as I could out with friends or in my room. I didn't live a normal life. Friends always wondered why they couldn't come over. It was always excuse after excuse I made. The one time I had a friend come over, I had cleaned the house as best as I could. Only to be told by someone else in my group of friends that she had talked badly about my filthy house. I gave up after that and never let any body over again. The house then was uncared for for quite some time.
I saw the light out of my horrible life when I went away to college 12 hours from home. Here I could make friends and never have to let them know of my dark past. My sister eventually took over the cleaning job, only after a few years of letting the house go to complete garbage. It's sad to say but the damage was already done. No matter how clean the house could be its still filthy. It was uncared for so long permanent stains are on walls, floors are forever dirty, things are broken. It is beyond fixable. Even the outside is now miserably embarrassing. Paint chipping off the sides, the stair railing falling off etc. . It should just be burned to the ground; that would make me happy.
That brings me to the life I live now. I have a full time career and still live quite far away from home. I have a beautiful apartment that I keep immaculately clean it's a wonderful feeling but I will forever have my home haunting me. I will never be able to tell anyone where I came from. Even just talking about it on this thread makes me cringe. I thought before to seek therapy for this secret burden I carry with me however I don't think I could even manage to spit the words out a to a therapist of the horrible squalor I lived in.
I don't think a parent who has raised a child in squalor can realize the effect it has on a child. It has damaged me for life. I now like to be alone all the time--distancing myself from people. I fear having guest over still. Every time I hear a knock at the door my stomach still drops. Every Time someone comes over my anxiety level is at a all time high. My past is a a foggy memory that doesn't seem real, because I am so far from where I came. I feel like I am hiding a part of myself to all my new friends. I have a serious boyfriend who I will never take home to meet my relatives because where would we stay? Certainly not my house. If I were ever to get married I couldn't do it in my home town as people would want to stay at my house, which isn't an option. I have had to accommodate and change my life completely around the matter that I do not have a "home". I patiently await the day where my mother moves into a new home with her boyfriend so I can lie to people and tell them that's where my family lives- which may never even happen. This life has affected my family as well. My brother is mentally ill. He thinks there is nothing wrong with living in squalor. If it were up to him he would live in his own filth. My sister is basically his maid and if it weren't for her he would be living in garbage pit. She too is nearing the age of going away to college. This will leave my brother alone to let the filth build up.
I guess I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this post. Maybe just for someone to tell me it's going to be okay? Or for someone to give me advice on what to do? I know for certain I can never tell any one of my past. As I won't be accepted for the filth and trash that I am. I am just a squalor girl living in this fake world. I am just looking for away to cope with it. And to have self acceptance of it. Because right now I am blocking it all out of my memory, which is blocking half of my life out of my memory. This is causing me to feel like a different person and that is not a good feeling. It's almost a feeling of not knowing who I am.
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Post by sillycanuck on Oct 16, 2016 8:33:46 GMT -5
 You are more than your past--you have emerged from the past and developed into the women who deserves the loving relationship you have and promising future as you wish. Hiding and fears is all of part leaving one life for another. This site is an safe spot to share feelings. Welcome aboard |
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Post by def6 on Oct 16, 2016 9:01:35 GMT -5
Hello meredithkatI hear your pain and I think it would do you a great deal of good to seek therapy for your feelings. I really feel that you will find healing through love... Loving yourself and loving your family. I'm not suggesting that you move back in to become their maid or anything. But I do think we should help our family. Become a good example for your siblings. |
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Post by mynicehome on Oct 16, 2016 9:46:39 GMT -5
Hello meredithkat. Welcome to the forum.
Hugs and more of them. You're in a lot of emotional pain that is really hurting. You are far too young to allow this pain to determine the rest of your life...decades and decades of suffering is a ghastly thought. Please do your very best to resolve your feelings as soon as you can. 
I agree with def6 about looking into therapy. Don't let shame stop you from doing this; your situation, as painful as it is/was, is not unique. Therapists are aware of the reality of children of squalor.
Please continue to find support here. There are forum members who also grew up in squalor, some younger, like yourself, and some older. Always know that you are not unworthy, not "sub-standard" in any way, shape or form. And not alone.
Everything will be okay. Coming here and talking about it is the first step to okayness.
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Post by immaculata on Oct 16, 2016 11:49:05 GMT -5
Hi meredithkat and welcome to the forum. Thank you for posting. I'm sorry you've been through so much.
I understand that you found it difficult to post here and I understand you dread the thought of anyone, even a counsellor, hearing about the circumstances in which you found yourself while you were growing up. It took courage to post this and even to think about the past. You have taken immense strides in your life that must have taken a lot of courage and determination, to get away and to get yourself educated and into a good career, not to mention your immaculately-kept home. Well done. You've overcome your upbringing and that takes guts.
That childhood 'friend' who told tales on you was immature and untrustworthy. Please bear in mind that if you were to choose to tell a counsellor, or a trusted friend or boyfriend, now or in future about the squalor you were forced to live in when you were younger, they wouldn't think badly of you at all.
They would think that you are amazing to have overcome this abuse. And this is simply the truth.
If a friend were to tell you that they had been abused in childhood, say by having to live in squalor or by being beaten or any other form of abuse, what would you think? I bet you'd think that they were strong to have survived and brave to trust you with the truth.
If you would feel better, do speak to a counsellor or good friend. You were abused by having to live in squalor. It was not your fault. Talking about it, if you like, might help you feel happier. You are not 'filth and trash' and you are now an adult who in control of your situation. It's natural to have bad feelings about having been in a bad situation in the past. It doesn't mean you don't know who you are. It just means you have been through a lot of trauma and it's understandable to feel traumatised. It doesn't mean you're 'fake'.
You can look around you and see your beautiful home and the fact that you're not a squalorer or a hoarder. Take deep breaths any time you feel anxious because of what you were forced to live in, in the past. That's over now. You are okay. You will be okay.
Welcome.
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Post by Louie on Oct 16, 2016 14:01:12 GMT -5
hello meredithkat and welcome,  I'm glad you came and shared your story, you deserve to live well and move on from the past but yes, it takes time and support. My mum was a hoarder also. This site has some good information and links so it may be helpful as well: childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/?page_id=4270be gentle with yourself  |
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Post by joyinvirginia on Oct 17, 2016 0:59:40 GMT -5
Welcome! And congrats for taking care of yourself. The children of hoarders site may have more practical help for you. Also off you aware experiencing that much anxiety, seeing a counselor or therapist might be helpful. I always had a messy house, but I made sure that my dds could always invite friends over. I would tell them I did have the messiest house in the neighborhood, but they were coming to see us not the house.
You are not your mother. Her choices are not your fault. Please remember that. And plenty of people leave their homes and when they return for a visit, stay in a hotel. You can do that too, and meet up with the family in a restaurant.
Again, welcome!
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Post by gillian on Oct 22, 2016 9:12:59 GMT -5
Hi Meredithkat, welcome to the forum. You shouldn't feel guilty about a situation that was not of your making, especially as you have risen so well above it and have moved on. Well done you!
I hope you do something about therapy . You need to be able to think well of yourself.
Gillian
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Post by allie on Oct 24, 2016 0:13:48 GMT -5
Hi, Meredithkat! I'm so glad you reached out. You'll find it will get easier to talk about, the more you talk about it.
You are not trash. Your mother made those choices, not you. It's not surprising that after a few years, you would tire of trying to fix the problem. You were not put on this Earth to be your family's maid. Is it possible your mother and/or brother are clinically depressed? This would make it difficult for them to find the energy to clean.
Some people judge others harshly, some don't. Your true friends and true lovers won't judge. There's really nothing about you for them to judge harshly, because again, it was your mother's problem, not yours. But some people are jerks. Those people don't deserve your giving their opinions any value. I bet if you explain your family to a boyfriend, he'll not be surprised - he will then understand your need for an immaculate space. You have no need to be embarrassed about where you came from. Lots of people - most? - have emotional problems and express them in a variety of ways. Your family happens to do so by living in squalor.
The more you reach out and find acceptance, the easier it will become to reach out again. You're not "a squalor girl" and you're not faking it. You're someone who likes a clean house, despite or perhaps because of growing up in a dirty and now falling-apart house. That's the real you. I hope your welcome here will encourage you to gradually confide in a few others, and then others, and so on. I think time and stepping a little outside your comfort zone will give you some relief and some perspective. I also encourage you to reach out to online support groups for children of hoarders. If after those efforts you still feel so pained about your life or yourself, I agree with others, it certainly won't hurt and probably will help greatly to talk with a professional. You could even call around and ask for someone who specializes in treating hoarders and people who live in squalor. You don't have that problem, but such a therapist could provide you with further insights into your family that may help you resolve your feelings. If you like the therapist, you might see if you can encourage your family to meet with the same person.
I'm sort of your opposite! My mother was a gifted and intelligent woman who never pursued a career, who kept an immaculate house because that's what my father wanted, and I could tell she felt miserable and trapped by the drudgery of housewifery. Thus I struggle to get any housework done at all because I don't want my life to be like that, and I avoid relationships because I don't want to be bent to some guy's will! My sister, OTOH, is just like my mother. All parents' neuroses make their kids neurotic in their own ways, I guess.
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Post by TML on Oct 26, 2016 17:40:01 GMT -5
Hi meredithkat I don't know what to tell you except sending good energy and good wishes. I am still recovering from phase 2 of the family hoarding disaster. I got away with college and had some troubles as I had never been taught how to keep a house but mostly it was all good. Then when I turned 38 my step father passed away and Mom got sick and could not live alone. I thought she was over the hoarding and squalor and had her move in with me and it was 9 years of pure anquish until she broke her ankle and needed to move into assisted living. I still have a basement full of stuff to figure out but the main living area looks really good now. There is no reason to take anyone home. If they have to meet family stay in a hotel one town over (say no room at home) and arrange for a meeting at a place to eat. I had a friend come visit me and I gave mother warning I thought to help get house clean but she made it a total disaster so my friend and I stayed at hotel. I always figured it was better to let others think what they want than for them to see the disaster. They say this effects 1 in 10 families so when I have friends now who dont let anyone in I dont press them or say it cant be that bad but I give them their space. |
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momma312
New Member
Joined: December 2018
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Post by momma312 on Dec 8, 2018 23:50:27 GMT -5
I know this an old post but I just came across it. I know this was hard for you and I totally understand the pain growing up like that creates. I also grew up in squalor. I grew up feeling that I wasn’t worthy. I was smart, yet hung around with the wrong crowd. I was hooked on drugs and was very promiscuous. I felt that was the identity I was worthy of. I couldn’t have parties, I couldn’t have friends over without feeling shame. When I was 16, I met a really nice boy. I went to his house a few times. It was normal and clean. It didn’t smell like animal urine. The carpets weren’t sticky and moist. There weren’t mountains of clothes everywhere. His mother offered me a drink and a snack. She wasn’t lying on her bed, on top of a pile of garbage. How could I let him into my life? My life was a living hell. He deserved a girl from a nice home with a nice family. I made up some reason to fight with him and broke it off. Immediately after, I started dating a high school dropout on probation that was addicted to crack. He didn’t care about meeting my family and was fine with climbing in my window at night.
It doesn’t go away simply because you leave. I was married to another drug addict that didn’t contribute to our lives at all. We had two children before I had enough. I caught him shaking our newborn son one night. The one I’m with now isn’t any better. He physically and verbally abuses me.
My home is always clean but I still get that hold/cold sweat when someone comes over. I’m terrified even though my home is clean and nicely decorated. I always have candles burning so it smells homey. I won’t get any pets. I let my kids have hamsters but nothing bigger. I don’t want that animal urine smell I grew up with. My father passed away but my mother is still there. The house is still disgusting. We don’t have holiday get togethers like normal families. My kids hate being there and immediately fight over the shower whenever we get home. I’ve been with this guy for 9 years now. We had a baby together. Our child is 7. He has never been inside my parents house. I was too afraid of what he’d think of me.
Unless you’ve lived it, it doesn’t seem like it would have the impact that it does. It affects your entire life. I’m not close to my family at all. I’ve tried to help clean the house. Especially when the kids were babies. I would tell them the house was too unsanitary. Of course that created problems so bad, they started calling cps on me and trying to take the children. I don’t know why. I think for my mother it was about saving face. And if she could show that I was a bad mother somehow it would vindicate her. I don’t know. I didn’t lose my children. Every call was unfounded. But it did make me stop talking to them for many years. Now I just text my mom. I rarely go there. My kids rarely go there. My mother has never come to my house that I live in now. I’ve been here over a year and a half. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. It’s very sad. It’s no way to raise your kids. If someone reading this feels like they may have problems please get help. It does affect the children growing up in it.
Once again, thank you for posting it. As an adult, I have learned how to accept. With shows like hoarders and the internet, I don’t feel that I was the only one who grew up that way. I ended up okay considering. I moved out when I was 19 and went to college. I did it all on my own and got a bachelors degree. At the same time, I also stopped doing drugs and have been clean ever since. But that feeling of being unworthy has never gone away. No matter what I’ve accomplished and who I am now doesn’t seem to make up for where I came from. It’s always there...that feeling that I’m not worthy of a nice normal life. I wonder all the time what I’d be like now if I grew up in a normal house. What gives me comfort now is knowing that I’m giving that to my children. My children have friends over all the time and they’re proud of where they come from. I know they won’t grow up with the same insecurities that I did.
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Post by def6 on Dec 9, 2018 10:46:56 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you have been traumatized in your childhood by squalor meredithkat I think there is healing to be had from this. Best of luck to you. Edited to add: I just noticed that I have replied to this post for the second time.  |
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Post by mynicehome on Dec 9, 2018 11:20:14 GMT -5
((((( momma312 ))))) Brava Momma on the courage it took to write your post above. I hope that meredithkat returns one day to read it, I'm sure she will find some of the comfort and support she needs in your words. Momma, in my opinion there is only one way back to "worth" or "worthiness", and that is to give generously of yourself to others. Give of your time, your resources, give from what wisdom you have gained from your own experiences. Give genuinely...this means to give when and if you can, and not when and if it is not possible. We are all looking for an innate sense of worth on one level or another and generosity is the one true way to uncover our own goodness, aka worthiness. We all have a measure of generosity inside of us and no matter if that measure is small...that is the key that will open the door to worthiness. Cultivate the generosity in your own heart and your worth will bloom exponentially. There is a real risk that holding on to a feeling of unworthiness can make us judgemental of others...yes, as unbelievable as it sounds, we can become as negatively judgemental of others as we felt others were being of us. As in your own case with your ex-husband and now your present abusive husband, you have evaluated THEIR worth as equivalent or even "lower" than your own, and decided that you'd found a comfort level there. Society does not judge crack addicts, baby shakers, woman abusers favorably, and NEITHER DO YOU, or you would not have settled there in a need to find your own "level" of worth. You judged others, just as others judged you. This is to be seen as a defence mechanism Momma, please don't see it as another thing to be critical of yourself about. You were/are just desperately trying to "fit in" with someone, or perhaps even feel slightly better about yourself by hooking up with persons that you know society will support a negative judgement about, and therefore support YOU. Support that you need so very badly in order to claim some worth in the eyes of society. Hon, you will find some of the support you need from others, the real support you need, but it will never be enough either. You must work with outside support but also cultivate your own self-worth and, as I've said, the one way into that is to watch your own goodness grow and blossom through generosity/service to others. It's failproof. Huge WTGs on all you have done in your life to improve your external circumstances, and for all you are doing for your own children. Sending you a big welcome to SOoS. Thank you for sharing your story.   |
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Post by larataylor on Dec 9, 2018 16:54:43 GMT -5
momma312 - thanks for sharing your story, and I hope that you can find a way to heal from this abusive past. 
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Post by Script on Dec 11, 2018 9:05:04 GMT -5
You are more than your past--you have emerged from the past and developed into the women who deserves the loving relationship you have and promising future as you wish. Hiding and fears is all of part leaving one life for another. This site is an safe spot to share feelings. Welcome aboard I repeat: :YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR PAST. I went to a elite convent school run by very strict nuns. It was a very "proper place" Yet: there were girls: ** whose fathers were binge drinkers (like mine...) ** whose parents were poor (they lived above a store) ** whose fathers were failed lawyers ** whose parents had little education ** whose fathers were bigamists (!) ** whose mothers ran illegal businesses and didn't pay taxes ** whose brothers committed suicide (two at least in my year alone: out of 63 students!!!!!) ** whose sisters were dreadful b*tches (then and now) ** whose sisters were asked to LEAVE the convent where she was a nun (unheard of back then....) ** and a huge etc. People didn't talk much about these problems... Almost all closets have some kind of skeleton. The father of one of my school friends was MURDERED! good for you for articulating your issues: and good luck on moving forward |
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