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Post by creativechaos on Dec 13, 2018 23:34:28 GMT -5
welcome, meredithkat; i'm so sorry you grew up like this and that your whole family was affected by the damage of living in squalor and filth. the shame and hopelessness that you feel... that's your severe PTSD and past trauma talking; but that's not your core self - it's residual shame that doesn't even belong to you, yet you took it on for everyone... and those voices inside telling you you're crap can be quite murderously convincing. but they LIE. everyone has secrets and skeletons, as Script said so well. it helps to remember that - we're not so separate as we think. you ALREADY have changed your own life; good for you - you got out of there!!! you already keep an immaculate apartment and have distanced yourself from your family in miles and in habits. it will take time and work, but you can heal, at least some, from these feelings of shame; they can become less all-encompassing. a good therapist can help you reframe these thoughts and help you realize that it wasn't - it isn't! - your fault! staying in the present tense of each NOW moment, and appreciating who and what's around you, and all you have accomplished against crippling odds, will help you separate those thoughts and feelings from the core treasure that is your true self; as well as help you to forgive those still stuck in their own self destructive habits, so you can move on to a happier life. due to my own issues with hoarding (to escape MY childhood traumas) i started researching hoarding and squalor; i was so surprised to know how many people have issues with hoarding and squalor - there are millions in the U.S. alone. just as there are millions of adult children who, unfortunately, grew up the victims of their parents' hoarding and squalor. i'm so sorry you were one of them. i never had kids; too afraid i'd damage them as you were damaged. you have already built successes; a lot of them! the only one who needs to learn to accept you is... you. Your self acceptance is what truly counts. when you accept yourself, you can begin to let in people that you come to trust, and they will admire you to know what you survived. i know now it feels like you can never tell anyone... but there is a saying from the 12 steps groups that really helped me to realize i was not so unique after all; "you are only as sick as your secrets." secrets are damning. they make your world smaller and smaller. you made a big step by telling US - and look how many of us are telling you, "Brava! You are amazing and strong! WTG!" You will eventually find trusted people, and you know what? You will not DIE from telling them! and eventually, sharing what you've been through may even be seen as a gift to share with others going through similar circumstances. How do we know this? we've all been here on some level with our own issues and past traumas! Hang in there - this is a safe space, as is children of hoarders forum. the razor's edge to try to aim for is to blame neither yourself or anyone else, but to accept that yes, these horrors happened to you - but that is past, and the past can't hurt you anymore. you are always welcome here. |
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Post by larataylor on Dec 14, 2018 9:33:01 GMT -5
creativechaos - wonderful response to this. I think part of being humans, beings who think and feel so much and have a long, long developmental phase, is that we're going to be hurt by the other humans responsible for our care during this phase. All parents have issues that hurt their children. Some parents see the issues and struggle with them, overcome them, maybe. Others can't see or can't overcome. Maturing is a long, long process of healing from that if we can! We try to choose life partners who don't have our parents' issues, and usually we find the core issues under a different guise! Being human is hard!! I keep coming back to being ME and living NOW
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Post by meredithkat on Jun 11, 2020 2:03:01 GMT -5
Thank you all for your kind words. They def made me feel better.... To be honest I posted this and never came back online because I was ashamed to look at the comments :/ Reflecting on life a little and came back for a pick me up. Still struggling with the fact that I can never go home and all my family lives are moving on without me. But I’m working through it. Again thank you!
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Post by joyinvirginia on Jun 11, 2020 10:07:32 GMT -5
Hi meredithkat, glad you checked back in! Take care of yourself!
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Post by larataylor on Sept 29, 2020 11:15:23 GMT -5
meredithkat - Nice to hear from you! I hope you're progressing on your journey of healing from this. I wonder about your statement of family moving on without you. Is there a way for you to connect to their lives without ever going back to that house?
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jj
New Member
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1
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Post by jj on Nov 9, 2020 0:11:45 GMT -5
 You are more than your past--you have emerged from the past and developed into the women who deserves the loving relationship you have and promising future as you wish. Hiding and fears is all of part leaving one life for another. This site is an safe spot to share feelings. Welcome aboard Reading your post was like reading my life. I too had a single mom who had to work and had her own depression issues. The house was filthy. We even had bugs and I would escape to my room...for 7 years I did this until I could leave for college. That is where I feel my life began. However, to this day...I get nervous when people come over, I never feel like the house is clean enough. I was always too ashamed to have people over. I had few friends and to this day it is hard for me to be around people for too long... and being alone feels the most comfortable. Therapy has helped me maintain a relationship with a wonderful man who tries his best to understand all of it. But its hard for me still and I still have a lot of shame around it. It has only been recently that I have discussed it w/ a few people. I remember a few people coming over and being mortified when I was younger. I remember them talking about it too. It still feels horrible. I cannot go into my parents house (They remarried when I left for college). The house is better, not great but a lot better. I cannot stay there long and have to visit them on their porch or outside. There is no admission from them as to how bad the house was or that I was left alone in a room for 7 years because I could not take the horrible squalor. I have a lot of issues...I don;t deal with stress well, I have a hard time being around friends for long periods of time, there are things I feel like I didn't learn and don't know how to do. I feel "different" all the time and that is hard. I have a good life and have come so far since those days. But there will always be a part that carried those awful years with me. It's not something that permanently goes away.
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Post by Arid on Nov 9, 2020 15:28:29 GMT -5
Welcome to the board, jj!
Arid
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