|
Post by Evelyn on Jan 25, 2017 1:00:50 GMT -5
Hi guys, I found this forum while searching for "doing dishes in the bathtub" and resolved to come back when I had finished. Things have kind of come to a breaking point in my life. I've always been messy, but when I cohabitate I'm usually pretty good about keeping things clean. The problem is I live alone, and I seem caught in this cycle of frantically cleaning the whole place because someone may be coming over and just not caring enough to maintain the "visitor standard" in my personal time. As you can tell by my aforementioned google search, I let things get really out of hand. Well, today I admitted to a girl I've been seeing that the reason I didn't want her to come over was that I didn't want her to see my place like it is: a tower of mouldy dishes in the sink and on every conceivable surface, old mail and beer cans on the floor (I drink too much), dirty laundry everywhere, dust and hair multiplying.... The problem is she had been over numerous times after marathon cleaning sessions, and couldn't believe that my place would need hours of work to not be embarrassing. I didn't have the time or energy for another marathon. At that moment I had to admit to myself and to her that I had a problem, and she offered to come over and help. Great, right? Not on my life. The shame of having someone see my mess would end me. Well, she broke up with me when I refused her help, and I'm just sitting here feeling broken myself. This is the third time a relationship has ended because of how I clean (or fail to clean). It's more or less the same story each time, where I'm obstinate about having the lady over and they misread it as lack of interest or, worse, philandering. I am moderately successful in my professional life and keep a neat appearance... people never suspect me of this dirty secret, but it's a huge problem and is just eating me up inside right now. I just spent two hours sobbing and washing dishes in my bathtub and I can't live like this anymore. Where do I start? Thanks. First, in re the title of this thread, I don't think there's anything fundamentally wrong with you. Not being able to maintain a household by alternating marathon cleaning sessions with long periods of inactivity is a common problem among people who try it, and that group contains an awful lot of people. And I think you may have been dating the wrong women. If a guy I was dating told me, at great emotional cost to himself, that the reason he didn't want me to come over was that his place was a sty, I'd probably offer to come over and help. But when you turned me down, I'd be relieved rather than suspicious. (If, the next we saw each other, I light-heartedly presented you with a tub of cleaning wipes, and you were not amused or offended, but confused; then I would be suspicious.) OTOH, I am one person and not representative of all of womanhood: YMMV. As to, not so much what is wrong with you, but what you might want to change about how you've been doing things: "...I live alone... just not caring enough to maintain the "visitor standard" in my personal time."
You might give some thought to why you don't take care of things for yourself as you would do for anyone else. Or else that might be too much to think about right now. If so, stop.
"...This is the third time a relationship has ended because of how I clean (or fail to clean)..."
Um, another thing you could consider whether a relationship is something you truly want and need and feel ready for right now. I'm not saying it is or it isn't (over-the-internet insight has its limits), I'm just saying that there could be a pattern here. (Or not.)
"...beer cans on the floor (I drink too much)..."
Er, what happens if you try not drinking for a couple of days? If it makes you feel grumpy, deprived, and/or virtuous; you might give it a try. If not drinking for a day or two gives you the DT's, or is not an option you're willing to consider... well, PM me and we'll talk.
"The shame of having someone see my mess would end me... ...I'm just sitting here feeling broken myself... ...it's a huge problem and is just eating me up inside right now." Hey, Parallel. You're a person. You are not your shame, or your mess, or your problem; and you definitely are not broken. You're just someone with, to put it much too positively, an overabundance of opportunities to make improvements in your life.
I just spent two hours sobbing and washing dishes in my bathtub...Where do I start?
Sobbing and washing dishes in the bathtub sounds like a pretty good starting place to me. You're recognizing the problem and allowing yourself to feel its full emotional impact, while simultaneously doing something about it. Next, as emeraldine suggested, make a list. (Unless lists don't work for you, but most of us here find them pretty useful.) Another thing many of us find helpful is to take photos of the mess. It may seem counterintuitive and like the last thing you want to do; but it's helpful both for seeing increments of progress later on, and for remembering just how bad it really was. (If you prefer, you can store the photos in a locked file on your phone or computer, under the most uninteresting file name you can think of - "temp file errata 2012" or something like that. (When posting photos to this site, it's sometimes convenient to store them on a separate image-hosting site. I couldn't bear to post mine anywhere near my Flickr account, so they're on a different site under an account for "AnonymousNoname" (or something like that ). Then, just start. Doesn't really matter where: whatever's bothering you the most, or whatever you last tripped over, or since you already messed it up and/or made a start on it yesterday - today might be a good day to clean the bathtub. Something I've been doing lately is setting two timers when I go to start cleaning: one for 20 minutes, which is my minimum time to keep cleaning, and one for 45 minutes, which is my maximum time before I have to make myself stop and take a break. I find that gives me flexibility for tasks that take varying lengths of time, but helps keep me from getting carried away and working myself into a stupor. Welcome. We're glad you're here; we're in here with you; and we wish you lots of hope, encouragement, and luck.
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Jan 25, 2017 12:58:29 GMT -5
wit ...your comment rocks! and Evelyn I loved what you said as well....you guys are awesome!
|
|
|
Post by gillian on Jan 28, 2017 7:47:52 GMT -5
Hi Parallel,
Welcome to the forum!
Someone suggested you regard the community here as company in your home to give you incentive to work on your home. I was just thinking that spending some time in the chatroom on this site might also help. You can find out more about it if you click on 'Chat' at the top of the page, just below the Stepping out of Chaos banner. Of course, it would depend on your work commitments, but it's a great place for encouragement and lots of well dones when you do the slightest thing chore-related.
Gillian
|
|
|
Post by creativechaos on Feb 22, 2017 23:57:57 GMT -5
hey parallel; just read your intro and this thread. how are you doing? will you let us know? my heart hurt for you when i read the relationship part; i too have lost relationships over my hoarding and slovenliness. but please - wherever you are at in life - do NOT let the depression or shame keep you from us or these boards. learning new habits is hard but even if you fail it's not the end; just keep trying. This is a great place to get honest - no one here will judge you. the important thing it to try again. again. again. no matter how many times it takes. you will see successes; never mind if they don't last right away. building good habits takes time, as does addressing underlying issues under the bad habits. since it's been over a month since you wrote this intro, i don't know how your'e doing, or if you tried to patch it up with the last relationship, but i'm wishing you peace and self forgiveness - we all need a good dose of that regularly! you are not your mess. try to remember what is fine and redeeming about your character. you sound like an honorable, sensitive person with high moral ground. self esteem issues or even physiological chemical imbalances like a.d.d. or depression can make things seem hopeless. the drinking could be your attempt to self-medicate and may be to your detriment; only you can say for sure. it's ok to get help for those things. we're here for you. there are so many great threads; there is even a dish washer's thread. start small and build on that. and it's ok to lurk and read posts even if you feel shy about responding right now. just don't disappear, OK? you belong here with us! cc
|
|
|
Post by ohblondie on Feb 23, 2017 12:31:16 GMT -5
Just chiming in to check in as well - how are you doing? How are those baby steps coming along?
|
|
H2H
Banned
halfwaytohoarder gets rid of it all!
Joined: February 2017
Posts: 2,041
|
Post by H2H on Feb 23, 2017 13:33:10 GMT -5
Hi parallel...I am new here also and so grateful to find wisdom, empathy (I love that empathy is when people HAVE had the same experience, sympathy is when they sorta relate)
I had dishes piled up for days and said I was too busy running a small home business, then I finally allowed myself to buy a "rolling" dishwasher..and learned i STILL left the dang dishes in the sink for days as pushing the heavy appliance was almost as annoying as doing the dishes by hand.
I was disgusted with myself..and feeling i wasted the investment if I wasn't using it.
Evelyn says it true.. having a relationship we don't have the energy to maintain, or the 'shame' of living up to standards we think others have might be one thing too many to juggle.
Frankly I am relieved I don't have people over for a long while (no people I want to invite is part of it)...it feels like a respite to manage what I can without worry and stress.
I hope you come back and stick with sharing if you find it is helpful.
|
|
|
Post by peaceandfreedom on Feb 23, 2017 14:58:25 GMT -5
Hi, parallel, just wanted to add my welcome to you. As I read through all the replies to your call for help, once again it made me realize just how fortunate we all are to be a part of this online community. It has been a huge help to me. And, I'm concerned that you have not posted again. Please let us know how things are going. Sometimes we have to hit some sort of bottom, then just begin crawling back up out of the pit, as so many others have said. But sometimes, too, as we gain a little progress, we can begin to see that getting to the end of our rope is a very good thing if it results in the beginning of a new life for us. Best wishes to you.
|
|
|
Post by creativechaos on Mar 5, 2017 19:29:59 GMT -5
heya parallel; just wanted to add: it took a lot of courage to post an introduction at a pretty low point in life. i lurked here for a year before posting! in my early days posting here, someone private-messaged me when they saw me online and said, come on into chat! i couldn't even type so there were tons of typos - we laughed and typed and challenged and laughed some more. (my typing has improved a lot) you are welcome to be with us, however you are. no one will judge or try to make you do or be something you're not ready to do or be. some part of you found us, wanted this forum, and i hope that part keeps you coming back. wishing you the very best - take care.
|
|