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Post by larataylor on May 1, 2019 10:21:35 GMT -5
BetsyMarie - I think there's a benefit to hoarding stuff just as there's a benefit to storing fat on our bodies. The problem is when the mindset doesn't change to fit the circumstances. We're not wandering nomads and this is not the Great Depression. We are generally swimming in stuff and food, but we don't have a hard-wired stopper for the urge to acquire or eat. When I was very poor, I used to get a thrill out of thinking I had a life-time supply of something ... soap, linens, or whatever. But eventually I realized that the state of the house was keeping me poor by depressing me, making it hard to get out of the house, keeping me busy churning and organizing instead of going out to earn money. I had a "moment" after my DD was born when someone brought us a pizza and there was nowhere to put it.
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redcat
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Joined: April 2019
Posts: 10
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Post by redcat on Jun 16, 2019 11:35:23 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
Well it's been several weeks and sadly, there hasn't been much real progress. I'm posting about it here to keep accountable. Although he and I can talk about it a little more freely since I raised it as a topic in May, and we've worked on it at times, looking objectively around my house it's clear to me that all we're doing is maintaining. At least it's not getting any worse.
I'm sad today. It's hard to have faith that it will get better. Thanks for letting me share here.
Hope everyone is doing well today. I'm still so grateful to have this as a safe place.
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Post by larataylor on Jun 16, 2019 12:08:36 GMT -5
redcat - Hugs. Maintaining and not getting worse is something. And since May is not a very long time. Do you feel that his attitude is different since you raised the issue? Does he want to change things for his own reasons? Is he willing to get help with it? Even if you get going in the right direction, it will take some time.
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Post by Unswamping on Jun 16, 2019 15:27:14 GMT -5
redcat huge hugs. Yes i can be hard to see things getting better. Im a hoarder in recovery and there are days where i despair about every getting "done". When i feel like that, i helps me to look back at the progress ive made. For you, you are able to talk more freely about the topic with him and the two of you have done some work. You are maintaining, things havent gotten worse. Those are huge things! Progress is slow in the beginning, its not very visible in our physical surroundings. Hoarders need to accept that there is a problem and to work on changing their thinking about stuff. Another part of beginning is cutting down/out acquiring new items. That doesnt make a dent in whats already in the house, so again not very visible. It does mean that the house isnt getting worse.
Had to laugh at the lamps for future big house. BTDT I had a storage unit (or three) with stuff that i acquired for when i bought my house. Well once i bought it and moved all the stuff out of storage and to new house, i wound up getting rid of most of that stuff. Tastes change, houses have different characteristics and needs. Looking back, i would have been better off putting that money away for a downpayment. Such a huge waste of money. I know your bf didnt buy the lamps. They still cost money. Every square foot of your home has value. Take your mortgage payment and divide by the number of square feet in your home. That will give you a price per square foot. For example if its $20 a square foot, if one lamp takes up a square foot of space, is that lamp worth spending $20 a month to store for someday. Thats $240 a year! Its very likely that your square foot cost is even higher. Just food for thought.
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Post by mylittlescholar on Jun 16, 2019 16:59:45 GMT -5
redcat another thing to consider is that it was you who came to this site, not your partner. So perhaps a useful question is, do you think he is "in recovery" at this point? Or still wrestling with denial?
Either way, there is your own "recovery" to consider. The things you absolutely have control over. I don't know what those are, but I know you have some.
I watched my parents argue for coming on 30 years over whose "fault" it was, DM's, for keeping too much stuff, or DF's, for being so messy. The truth is, both of these "faults" contributed to the problems, but their finger pointing kept either of them from addressing their own contribution.
Basically every time they asked me to help, my job ended up being to separate them and have them each work on their own issues.
In my marriage, my ex could not find a way to take care of his own needs, which led to burnout, which led to resentment, which contributed to the demise of our relationship.
You have rights in the relationship, and you have the responsibility to assert them. A hoarder not in recovery is not going to be able to do that for you, no matter how much they love you or want to.
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redcat
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Joined: April 2019
Posts: 10
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Post by redcat on Sept 17, 2019 6:10:17 GMT -5
Update! WARNING - MAY BE TRIGGERING - COMMENT REGARDING SEXUAL ABUSE BELOW
Hard to believe this thread was started back in April and last updated in June. Since then, there's been really no sustained progress. In fact, I might say things are a touch worse. New items continue to show up in the house, and there's a new storage unit. All along I've tried to engage dialogue, tried to make it clear the impact his behavior has on me, how it makes me feel. I also have a counselor who I've been working with to process all this, and I've been exploring ideas like codependency and boundary-setting on my own. My partner has continued to decline to get help in any form. To answer mylittlescholar's question, he is decidedly not in recovery. He's more or less just been doing what he's been doing despite my objections - someone recently compared the behavior to rape. My counselor recently helped me take an inventory of the good and bad aspects of the relationship. There are many, many good aspects to it even though the hoarding, and what it represents in terms of how we are failing as partners to one another, has continued to dominate.
Things feel quite hopeless. It's almost impossible to see a way out of this with the relationship intact. Today, I feel as though hope is doing me a disservice. A huge sense of responsibility weighs on me, although that may be codependency talking. Yet I've been a part of this (by enabling/allowing it to happen) and it feels as though it would be wrong to simply cut loose. The counselor suggested maybe a "therapeutic separation" as an alternative to just leaving. I feel paralyzed with indecision, and shame. I wish something significant would happen that could make it easier to decide.
Mostly, I wanted to offer up thanks for this safe place. Hearing from you all, about your own experiences, has been so helpful.
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Post by fairlycloudy on Sept 17, 2019 13:56:33 GMT -5
That sounds like such a difficult situation, redcat. If there are any options for you to live elsewhere even for a while, I think your therapist's suggestion is a good one. You could view it as an experiment. You could also choose to continue your relationship while living apart, for the short or long term. I hope you can come to a decision that will make things easier for you.
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Post by Unswamping on Sept 17, 2019 16:54:43 GMT -5
redcat youve been trying to work with him on this for five months and its only getting worse. I would follow your therapists suggestion and try a therapeutic separation. Youve been together as a couple a long time and you said there are many good aspects to the relationship. I know you dont want to just walk away. It takes two to tango and i think he needs some space to really think about whats most important to him: you or his stuff. Its not fair to you to have to live in this situation while he thinks that through. Actually if you are not there, it will make it easier for him to miss you, see what this stuff is doing to your relationship. Maybe he will have a wake up call and start purging stuff. You need to decide with your therapist what would be an acceptable level of progress for you to move back in. (Moving everything out of the house and into storage is NOT an option, thats not doing anything to address the issue). A "forced" cleanout will generally not be effective in maintaining a clean house. A hoarder will just fill it bcak up again. He has a psychological disorder and needs treatment for it. There is no shame in that, its just like diabetes or hea disease. Its not our fault if we have hoarding disorder. It is our responsibility, once its diagnosed, to do what we can to recover from it.
He has to learn to change his thinking about stuff, stop acquiring and learn how to let go of stuff. It takes time, its difficult work but its worth it. My own recovery from hoarding (still ongoing) has been going on for six years. I have had relapses where i acquire large quantities of things and times when im not actively dehoarding. But i live alone and dont need to take into consideration that someone else is living in my mess. My progress might be faster if i had a caring partner or an effective therapist. I dont know. I do know it is a very difficult thing to overcome but it is possible.
Whatever happens, whether he works through this or he doesnt, i want you to remember one very important thing: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Hugs
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Post by mylittlescholar on Sept 17, 2019 19:02:55 GMT -5
I'm a big fan of hope, but one question to consider is what you are hoping for. him to change? you to change? this to get easier?
I'm also a big fan to getting out of situations so that one can get perspective on them. Its hard to see/feel what it would be like to be away, from within. Even a short break of a week can make a difference. I did this not to long ago, when things were getting bad with my ex. It was expensive to stay at a hotel for a week, but it broke a cycle we were in and gave me some time to reassess my own needs and clarify my boundaries.
Baby steps can apply here. A break doesn't mean that you are giving up on the relationship. If you frame it that way, then guilt and fear could make such a step seem too scary to take.
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redcat
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Posts: 10
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Post by redcat on Sept 17, 2019 19:05:45 GMT -5
I'm crying tears of joy over here reading your responses. It feels good, or at least less bad, to be "heard" as I struggle.
It was similarly validating to show my therapist photos of the mess at its worst... to have my friend validate that the house is in worse shape now than it was the last time she visited... to be recognized for my patience in trying to "do the impossible" as it's been stated to me. So much of this has been a BIG secret, hidden by shame. It's surprisingly freeing to step into the light a little.
Can anyone relate to that feeling?
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Post by mylittlescholar on Sept 18, 2019 14:50:03 GMT -5
absolutely! and I am so durn proud of you for being brave and sharing something that felt so shameful. I have had to do this a lot to heal, and it is so freeing. I have learned that the shame was not "mine," so to speak, but I took it on, not knowing any better. So glad you found us, and that you are getting validation. thanks for sharing your journey.
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Post by joyinvirginia on Sept 19, 2019 9:30:42 GMT -5
redcat, take care of yourself! If new things keep showing up, you must defend yourself and your space. even if you just get "a room of your own" somewhere, like mynicehome did. she has a blog here. you could just try a separation to see how you feel. unfortunately, it sounds like your hoarder is focused on what he wants and needs, your feelings and desires not so much. Best wishes to you!
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redcat
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Posts: 10
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Post by redcat on Sept 30, 2019 11:14:18 GMT -5
Well everyone, this past weekend we had another "big" chat. I expressed my concerns and point- blank asked if he'd get help for his depression and hoarding. He seems deeply stuck in denial, expressing that the kind of help he needs comes in the form of winning the lottery or getting a better job. He also said that he has a storage problem (i.e. not enough room for his stuff) and that he sees himself as a collector, not a hoarder. His basis for that claim is that we don't have garbage piled up or a pest problem like he's seen in other people's houses. It would seem we're not going to be able to see eye to eye. I have not much reason to hope anything will get better. And even though I love him dearly, I think I know what I need to do next.
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Post by Unswamping on Sept 30, 2019 20:18:47 GMT -5
Hugs redcat that is a difficult situation. I think you know his problem isnt a storage problem. I dont know how to make him see that. Each of us that is recovering from hoarding came to the realization for different reasons that the stuff, the acquiring, the not letting go, was the problem and not the lack of storage. Winning the lottery isnt going to help. A bigger house and more storage isn't going to help.
Im glad you were able to show photos to your therapist. That validation and the validation from your friend must be a big relief. Yes, i think you know what the next atep is. Maybe this will be his wakeup call, maybe not. You need to take care of you first. Thats not selfish, its good self care. If you dont put your needs first, no one else will. You have invested alot in this relationship, he needs to put as much in as well.
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redcat
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Posts: 10
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Post by redcat on Oct 10, 2019 9:28:25 GMT -5
Since the last post, I've been wrecked with anxiety, considering what I would need to do next. This morning, I told him I'd decided to find my own place to live. I said that I was heartbroken and that i couldn't do it anymore. He pleaded with me to reconsider, that he's heard me when I've tried to express my concerns, that he wants to find a way to work things out. I told him many things would need to be different - it's not just about the stuff - it's that we have very different ways of seeing things. I don't know how we could find middle ground without something changing significantly.
I've had a trip to visit my family planned for a while, so we have a built-in period of time to process. Earlier this week, I did get a storage unit and po box of my own, but otherwise I don't know where I'll be staying after my trip (I have researched options, just haven't committed to anything just yet). I'm posting here to keep accountable. It's tempting to want to give in and say yes to his pleas... but going back now would undermine all the personal power I'm trying to reclaim.
This whole thing is just so sad. What a wicked disease.
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