worriedmom
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Joined: February 2020
Posts: 4
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Post by worriedmom on Feb 10, 2020 5:35:16 GMT -5
Hi, you can call me worriedmom.
I am here for advice on helping.
My daughter has never been the best housekeeper, but I was over there yesterday and it’s at a level 3 squalor.
The front yard and front porch have trash, food containers, furniture, and clothes strewn all over. I could smell the stench in the house from the driveway. When I walked in, the smell was overwhelming and I didn’t move more than a foot from the door. I stayed for 2 minutes and left.
The living room, dining room and kitchen are literally covered in trash, clothes, rotting food, and animal feces and urine. The smell was overwhelming.
She has 2 teens and a pre-teen and is about to go through a divorce. If he decides to get nasty, she WILL lose the kids over the state of this house. I did not say a word about the state of the house.
I’m willing to help, but this is much bigger than “mom comes out to help for the weekend” and it’s all cleaned up. She lives 2 hours away, so I would have to get a hotel room for the weekend. This is going to require several people for several days and I don’t know anything that will help the smell.
Again, I’m willing to help, but don’t want to spend days cleaning only to come back to find that nothing has been kept up since I left.
The divorce is an extremely difficult situation and I do not want to make things worse!!
What do I do??
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Post by larataylor on Feb 10, 2020 7:56:38 GMT -5
The first thing I wonder is who is primarily causing the squalor, and would it be better or worse without the husband there? I would want to find out where her head is on the issue.
It could be that marriage issues are causing depression and the kids to act out also. It could all be better if that were resolved, but certainly getting custody would be easier in a clean house.
Hugs
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worriedmom
New Member
Joined: February 2020
Posts: 4
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Post by worriedmom on Feb 10, 2020 9:03:29 GMT -5
It's always been somewhat messy, so I'd say everyone in the house is a part of the problem. Where it's at now is a health hazard, and I didn't even look in the kitchen well. There were discarded, half empty cans of food laying in the middle of a 2 foot pile of clothes on the dining room floor....
Do I say something and offer to help? I've been reading the boards, I know that she knows it's a mess. I don't want to cause more stress.
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Post by larataylor on Feb 10, 2020 11:31:15 GMT -5
My guess is that she could use some help cleaning up so she looks better if there's a custody battle. This is probably causing her a lot of stress, which could be relieved by compassionate help. It could be that her housekeeping skills cannot keep up with a lot of messy people and animals, especially when she is emotionally stressed. And the worse it gets, the more it's beyond her. I can relate very much to this.
I think it could help very much to help right now. After the divorce, she may be more able to keep up. Again, just my guess.
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Post by larataylor on Feb 10, 2020 11:34:33 GMT -5
There are threads on this board about what CPS looks for in judging a house to be healthy and safe for children.
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Post by magda on Feb 10, 2020 12:00:48 GMT -5
Hello. My take is that if there are kids and pets involved, their well being has to take priority over all else. They are fortunate to have you as a grandmother to help them.
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Post by Arid on Feb 10, 2020 15:39:16 GMT -5
I understand that this could get quite costly for you, given that you would have to get a hotel room any time that you came to help for a weekend or simply overnight.
Is a part of the problem that the family hasn't been able to afford to pay for trash pick-up?
I'd start there.
See to getting rid of the obvious trash first: the opened, rotting cans of food, anything contaminated with animal and/or human wastes, etc.
Does the plumbing work? Are the toilets functional? It's easy for a house to become a "disaster zone" if those things aren't in place.
Most important of all--will your daughter accept your help?
ALSO, make sure that *she* and the ** children** are a part of the clean-up!! It shouldn't all fall to you! Besides, it is clear that all of them need to learn new daily habits--such as "ETE:" Eliminate the Evidence. That's a fancy way of saying "pick up after yourself." For example, if you make a sandwich, put things back into the refrigerator when you are finished--such as mustard, mayo, lunch meat, cheese, etc.
Best wishes there. I can feel your distress!
Arid
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Post by larataylor on Feb 10, 2020 22:25:02 GMT -5
A depressed person may look apathetic and accepting of the situation from the outside when inside they're overwhelmed and dying for some help that they don't want to ask for. I think you won't know until you offer.
I always get going when someone shows up to help. Sometimes I pay people to get me going.
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worriedmom
New Member
Joined: February 2020
Posts: 4
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Post by worriedmom on Feb 11, 2020 11:57:31 GMT -5
Arid,
The plumbing works and there is trash pick up.
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Post by ohblondie on Feb 11, 2020 13:18:03 GMT -5
Have you had a discussion with her explaining your concerns and your willingness to help? It is hard as a mom because it can start with the best of intentions but you can easily fall into that pattern of mother and child. this would have to be done her way - depending if she is incredibly stubborn like me!
but for the safety and wellbeing of the kids - you should have a very gentle non-confrontational discussion with her.
Are they splitting up because of the state the house is in? Or is it a contributing factor?
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Post by joyinvirginia on Feb 11, 2020 14:53:47 GMT -5
welcome worriedmom! glad you found us! yes, first is discussion with daughter, is she seeing doctor, getting help? Ask her "would you like some help?" offer specifics: coming to help for x hours or days. guiding the grandkids to help. keeping grandkids while she cleans. help to find a cleaning service that will come in for crisis clean (this would probably be expensive) could you pay for a maid once a month once things are cleaned up? Good for you to be involved, and to care, and to stop and ask instead of jumping in to do it yourself. (Gotta admit, if it was me, I'd just ask "when can I show up with trash bags and get some trash out for you?" )
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Post by def6 on Feb 16, 2020 0:00:47 GMT -5
Hello worriedmom I feel for you ...that is a tough spot to be in, not knowing the best way to help. Your daughter may need help with her mental health first and foremost. Honestly, If the kids want to stay there with Mom, now is the time to pitch in.
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