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Post by fmincognito on Nov 14, 2020 22:20:27 GMT -5
Hello.
Restarting, again, to dig my way out from under the mess.
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Post by goldenthreads on Nov 14, 2020 22:52:00 GMT -5
Welcome! There is plenty of help and support here.
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Post by NewLifeToday on Nov 15, 2020 7:31:39 GMT -5
Welcome!  . It's nice to have you here. I wish you success and joy. |
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Post by OnTheMend on Nov 15, 2020 9:29:34 GMT -5
Welcome, you have come to the right place! Do join in in some of the action focused threads!
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Hello
Nov 15, 2020 10:42:31 GMT -5
via mobile
danny15 likes this
Post by joyinvirginia on Nov 15, 2020 10:42:31 GMT -5
Welcome incognito! Follow a thread on listzilla, or maybe holiday preparations board. Whatever works for you!
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Post by fmincognito on Nov 15, 2020 14:49:59 GMT -5
Adding a bit to my intro.
My deceased husband was the hoarder, while I was/ am the messy housekeeper, and our poor, now adult kids never had a chance. Sorry kids! I got blamed for the entire mess, even though he was the one who kept bringing things into the house. He called buying stuff his one vice. I call it not helpful in many, many ways. Slow progress is being made on clearing out the house, but I am only one person, work full time, and am basiclly on my own. I am also still dealing with the messy aftermath of his passing, which happened two years ago.
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Post by larataylor on Nov 15, 2020 19:58:51 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and I'm glad you found us. You'll find a lot of encouragement here, as well as practical tips from those who have been there.
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Post by fmincognito on Nov 24, 2020 10:10:53 GMT -5
Thanks larataylor. Need all the encouragement I can get. Will listen to practical tips too. Lightbulb moments happen when you least expect them. |
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Post by Arid on Nov 25, 2020 15:37:31 GMT -5
Hi, fmincognito: I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you today and that I am wishing you the best!
Arid
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Post by larataylor on Nov 25, 2020 16:20:33 GMT -5
I never thought of myself as a good housekeeper, but I think that battling messy & hoarding behavior in others as well as myself over many years honed my skills. I just couldn't really *tell* until I was left mostly alone in the house.
In the early years of this journey, I could never see that I was making much difference. There was so much more undone than done, and not enough done to dispel the impression of constant messiness. But much like a jigsaw puzzle, it crosses over at some point to more done than not-done. My feelings then changed over from frequent overwhelm and depression to more hope and eagerness to reach the finish line.
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Post by fmincognito on Nov 26, 2020 8:46:04 GMT -5
larataylor For too many years, my now deceased husband trapped me in a world I could not declutter, even though I wanted to. Eventually I gave up trying. When he died, so did the parade of things coming in the front door. That helps, but the fact that my daughter lives with me does not. She does not want me to get rid of any of his things, and refuses to pare down her own hoard. Our relationship has been strained from many years. Decluttering is only going to make it worse. I can not keep living this way though. Declutter and gain a functional home, but probably lose my daughter in the process. Still trapped!
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Post by larataylor on Nov 26, 2020 12:01:49 GMT -5
fmincognito - wow, this is so much like my life! We moved from a house full of stuff into a house even *more* full of stuff. My DH and DBIL didn't want me to touch or get rid of any of their parents' stuff. I was expected to be content living with their parents' stuff and they couldn't understand why I would mess with spaces I didn't "need." I've been on a nine-year journey to make this house livable, with a lot of ups and downs, working hard at times, depressed and hopeless at other times. My DH once accused me of hating his parents and trying to "eradicate all traces" of them. What I was really doing was finding and preserving their treasures, getting rid of their trash, and preserving the actual house. I say this very cautiously, but "losing" your daughter *could* be the path to a better relationship with her. Mine was going crazy in the clutter, too. She is a basically orderly person like me, but she was too angry and rebellious to help me. Separation improved our relationship and gave me more freedom to work on stuff. DH also moved out of state, but he comes back here to help with bigger projects, and I keep a room for him. DBIL also visits occasionally and has a quarter of the basement for his stuff. I think both of them have come *very slowly* to understand what I was always trying to do, and perhaps approve of it, albeit begrudgingly. One thing that helped me was to focus closely on what I *could* do, and do that. At one point, I uncluttered my bedroom and made it a sanctuary for myself. At another point, with a lot of people in the house, I set up a mail-sorting station. I had so many things stressing me all at once, I would get overwhelmed and collapse. But I could find one thing to address and reduce the overall stress load. And this has added up, slowly. I hope some of this helps!
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Hello
Nov 26, 2020 18:22:10 GMT -5
Post by fmincognito on Nov 26, 2020 18:22:10 GMT -5
larataylor My husband, and his mother, were both neat freaks on the outside, but closet hoarders. My daughter started out as a neat nik. DH kept bringing things in the front door, for me, one of the kids, or himself. Things were not exiting the house though. Eventually all the hiding places filled up, and overflowed into public view in every room. I got blamed for the clutter, even though I did not work, therefore did not have the money to bring things into the house if I wanted to. When I tried to declutter he said the only things I wanted to get rid of were from his side of the family. Not true, but there was way more there from his side than mine. I was trapped. Daughter and I are going to go for some family therapy. I am sure daughter is going to bring up a wide variety of gripes. Hope the counseling helps, but I am not holding my breath.
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Hello
Nov 26, 2020 20:45:04 GMT -5
Post by larataylor on Nov 26, 2020 20:45:04 GMT -5
fmincognito - I got hit with that, too ... that it wasn't mine to get rid of. But how was I and my DD supposed to live there with no room for our own stuff? I was a bit blindsided by it, because DMIL had almost everything packed into the hidden spaces: the garage, the basement, cupboards, drawers, closets. Guest areas were full, but tidy when guests came over. I struggled with this a lot, and decluttering wisdom in general was of no help. People tell you how to deal with your own stuff, and to leave other people's stuff alone. They tell you how to help a hoarder who doesn't live with you. I found nothing about how to live in a house full of squalor where nothing was mine and there was no room for me. Didn't I have some right to live in a safe, healthy house? What about our child's right to that? I think family therapy is a great idea. I wish I could have gotten everyone into that years ago. My DD has a lot of gripes about me, too, but we've had a better connection since she left to live on her own.
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Hello
Nov 26, 2020 22:17:30 GMT -5
Post by fmincognito on Nov 26, 2020 22:17:30 GMT -5
larataylor One thing I will probably never understand is how my DH could go from annoying neat freak to openly hoarding. Does not matter anymore. He is dead, and I need to move clutter out the door so I can live.
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