gelberosen
New Member
Joined: January 2021
Posts: 2 
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Post by gelberosen on Feb 24, 2021 7:19:15 GMT -5
Hello, and I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I'm not much good with words. I'm also very sorry for the length, and the fact this is half venting. I just want someone to know I'm here.
My name is Jaden, and I'm 18 years old. I've been living in horrible third degree squalor since... gosh, I don't know if I can label a specific year, but I believe at least since I was 10, or 12 at the latest. Because I've lived in an abusive situation ever since... I don't want to get too TMI, but my father was horribly abusive, and it made my mother extremely depressed, to the point that she is now abusive and neglectful to me. Which is why squalor is all that I can remember. I've also been taking care of her on my own all this time (as best I can being a teenager with no income, and very very depressed myself... I'll bet you can guess why, too.)
I've never gotten to have friends, really, and I can't remember ever living in a way that wasn't "only open the door enough that you can see through it, so that nobody calls CPS." My mom is bedridden most days, I can count the amount of times she leaves her room monthly on one hand. She can't help me clean, or sometimes just won't. I don't want to blame everything on her, because I know it's my fault too, but I do know that I'm the only one who believes any change can be made. And that I was far too young to do anything but just try to take care of her and adopt her behaviors when this started, and that's why I am the way I am now.
I read through things on squalorsurvivors.com and just bawled. I'm sure this is a story that's been heard a million times before, but seeing that I'm not alone in this was so much. I'm too humiliated and ashamed to ever tell anyone who knows me the extent of how bad things are at home, even my therapists. And my mom has always made me lie to everyone, even family and psychiatrists so that she won't get in trouble for the conditions she makes me live in. I've been really scared to post anything here, I made this account about a month ago but telling anyone is gut-wrenching.
But I desperately need someone, anyone, to know what I'm going through. Especially because one part of her abuse is my isolation. I haven't spoken to anyone my age face-to-face, or for that matter, anyone who wasn't a doctor/other worker, in going on 4? maybe 5 years now. I just need someone to know I'm here, I'm alive, but barely living, because of this.
I feel like I'm rambling, and I should just get to the point:
Waking up to this every day is torture. I really can't do it anymore. This house is genuinely killing me. I can't get out, so I've been trying for years to improve things, but to no avail. We even moved out of our old house (that was also in third degree squalor) with the help of my grandmom who wanted me to be in better living conditions. Then things just ended up the same way again. Then another time, we couldn't keep her out anymore, so she came in the house and that same day got people in to "bulldoze" everything so we could live safely again, Now, for a third time, things are in third degree again.
The only difference now is that due to various things, namely that I am medicated and have gotten to a better point concerning my mental health (if not physical health) that I can actually get some work done. I am still extremely depressed, and often days very sick and fatigued, but I can now. I'm trying so, so hard to make a change here. I have to. My life depends on it.
I really want to believe in the idea that I can make things better here. Recently I've managed to get my bedroom back to its "saferoom" status, the only clean room in the entire house, that I can hide in when I can't take it, and I recently cleaned my bathroom entirely. That's helped a lot, but I've been stagnant because I hurt my arm really badly. I want to do better. It's getting harder and harder every day. But I can't give up. I'm trying so hard not to.
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Post by lucie on Feb 24, 2021 8:36:06 GMT -5
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Post by NewLifeToday on Feb 24, 2021 9:07:26 GMT -5
Welcome Jaden.  I'm glad you posted. And I like your forum name. I am sorry that so much has been so very difficult. Congrats to you for your success on your room and the bathroom. I think it is great that you are expanding your areas of success so that you have room to live. I am sending you good thoughts. I use the BDG method described in the link which Lucie posted. It helps maximize results and minimize effort. Another thing I work on is to throw out all trash. There is a view or position often used on the Stepping Out of Squalor Forum called Amnesty. I take Amnesty when I throw out something that might be useful, but I don't need it. Or it is broken, and I won't easily get around to getting it repaired. Or I just don't like it. Or.... Amnesty. For me, it is freeing. I don't have to find a place to donate something, or a person to whom to give that something. Amnesty means I can toss it into the trash, and not be guilty of anything. Amnesty is freeing, very freeing for me. Best thoughts and smiles to you. |
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Post by danny15 on Feb 24, 2021 12:11:49 GMT -5
gelberosen Hi Jaden  I can't write much now but I want to tell you that you are heard. You're alive, you are not alone, you are understood, you now have a lot of friends who you can't see but will support you. You can pour out your heart here and no one will think poorly of you. It doesn't matter if you write well or only want to vent. It doesn't matter if you can't get something done but just want to come here to talk. Or just come and read, read, read. Sometimes that is the most I can do.
You are so young, remember that you have a long, beautiful life ahead of you. There will be many struggles getting out of your situation but you are up to the challenge. Believe it. Keep coming back.
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Post by Arid on Feb 24, 2021 14:24:32 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear that you have hurt your arm, Jaden! Do you need to get medical attention for it in order for it to heal properly?
I think that it is *WONDERFUL* that you have been able to clean your bedroom and bathroom!! Do yourself a favor by making it a priority to maintain them.
You haven't mentioned how you manage to cook and/or eat! My advice it to clean up each day's "mess." Wash any dish, utensils, pots, pans, etc. that you use. Then, wash *ONE* item from any backlog that you have--even if it means washing only one "extra" spoon. You will be **AMAZED** at the difference that this method makes!
Welcome to the board. I, too, am glad that you are here with us (while being sorry that you need to be)!!
Arid
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Post by joyinvirginia on Feb 24, 2021 20:05:12 GMT -5
Welcome Jaden! We are here to listen and give suggestions for any particular challenges. I'm curious, have you attended school at all the past few years? Check out the blog section, sometimes members move personal info there.
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Post by larataylor on Feb 24, 2021 23:35:28 GMT -5
gelberosen - Jaden, I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation, but I'm glad you found us. It's just terrible that you have to be secretive and feel ashamed of something that isn't your fault at all. You've got two important rooms cleaned, and I hope these can be a sanctuary. The BDG method mentioned by others is great, especially when you don't have much energy. Cleaning up completely after whatever you do is also a great habit. You maintain your gains and don't add to any backlog.
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Post by TML on Feb 25, 2021 12:54:00 GMT -5
It is tough as s child of hoarder/squalor because you are starting from a disaster without any training in cleaning/organizing. Especially if the hoarder/squalor is still there making a mess though given your mother is bed ridden most of the time that she mean she is not messing up too much outside her general area.
Do you need to get your arm seen about so it heals properly? Sometimes injuries require physical therapy and special exercises care to get back to normal.
I am a child of a hoarder. I still remember being 4 or 5 years old and sitting on the inside steps with Mom saying shhhhhh so the preacher did not know we were home and would go away.
Step 1 is arm. Then you should work on living space tor you. Your bedroom and bathroom are great starts. Next would be kitchen so you have food and making sure you have paths so that your house meets fire requirements. Ie nothing blocking doors inside house or most importantly to outside of house.
The things that helped me the most and still do are
1. using a timer 8 min working then break and celebrating the time spent working on the house. Having a clean room or all dishes or etc can be huge task so instead the task is to work on them for 8 min and then pat self on the back for doing it. Eventually the 8 min add up and things start getting cleaner and organized.
2. Disassociating myself from the situation. Nothing worse than feeling awful and bad talking yourself as you are trying to fix situation. Pretend you are helping someone else and it is someone elses mess. Ie in head pretend your Grandmother asked you to help her with her hoarding mess and you know she did her best so need to be supportive (positive talk - no guilting). I used to pretend i was helping my Aunt. Works best with loved one as most of us would gladly help loved one in need and try not to make them feel bad for it.
3. BDG method pick up things as I move from room to room. Pick up dish from bed room and move it to kitchen as i am heading past kitchen.
4. Building stations/rooms - it is hard to see stuff for the mess. Instead look at room think how do i need this to be to function and make me happy. Even draw out plan on paper and then as work on it make it like your plan. Also make mini stations for things. - hair for hair in bathroom need spot for shampoo and conditioner and in a drawer need hair brush, hair accessories, and etc. so you know for hair you have what you need and where it is. I have spot by bed for my glasses and keep them always in that spot if not wearing them. I also have tea station. I have teas and tea kettle, and tea mugs with all having a home. So even if kitchen is in process you have it set up where you can easily get a cup of tea. Just little areas as working that are set up to make your life easier to function. Eventually the areas to function and live get bigger and bigger but start small and just keep at it.
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Post by Arid on Feb 28, 2021 6:13:14 GMT -5
Excellent post, TML!!
Arid
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Ton
New Member
Joined: March 2021
Posts: 1
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Post by Ton on Mar 1, 2021 11:50:17 GMT -5
As a newbie I found that really useful and helpful.
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daybyday
New Member
Don't wait and take the chance of a serious illness beating you, clear it out now, time is precious
Joined: March 2014
Posts: 77 
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Post by daybyday on Mar 4, 2021 6:11:14 GMT -5
gelberosen! Glad you found the group and hope that you gain a lot of help and hope here. Every little thing adds up and you working on your bedroom and bathroom is a HUGE thing! That's great! Keep coming back here, feel free to vent anytime. It truly helps. I hope your arm gets better soon. Great suggestions here already, the group always has good ideas. Hope to see you back again soon. You have friends here for sure! Ton to you also! Good to see ppl finding this group. It is such a help to know one is not alone!
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gelberosen
New Member
Joined: January 2021
Posts: 2
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Post by gelberosen on Mar 9, 2021 2:58:48 GMT -5
I'm sorry, I got scared of looking here until now. It was just this irrational anxiety like I'd be laughed at or something. I don't know. In any case, thank you all so much for your responses. I'm kind of just sitting here crying because I've never.. heard anything like this before, haha. It means a lot to me. As for questions... (I really hope the tagging works, I'm posting this from my phone...) NewLifeToday Thank you. I read about the BDG method when I first looked at this forum... I need to try and remember it, it's something I try to do now already by making lists, grouping things up when I'm cleaning for moving where they go... I try to practice Amnesty too. It helps that it's not really a hoarding problem, I think. danny15 Thank you so much. It's so hard not to think of my life as already over a lot of the time. This really means a lot to me. Arid I think so. I'm kind of scared that it's really bad. I've had what I think is tendonitis in a tendon in my forearm for about 2 (1/2?) months now, and I only started being able to properly no-use rest it about a week ago, Because I take care of myself, my mom, and the pets by myself, I don't really have a choice in resting, since if I do no one is taken care of... I'm currently taping it up with athletic tape so I can't move it and wearing an elbow brace while I rest it. I might see a physical therapist soon though, because it's barely helping. I cook with a hot plate, and a tiny clean space in the form of a dining table. The floor around it is still filthy even, only the table is clean... I always clean the dishes I use after. At least we have a dishwasher, and I fixed the plumbing a while ago so a kitchen sink again, too. Cooking real dinner helps me mentally a lot... Usually I've only eaten instant dinners for years. It's kind of like pretending I'm normal for a bit.. haha. That's a really good idea for how my brain works, I think. I'll try to do that. joyinvirginia Thank you. No, I haven't. I dropped out in 8th grade, so my last school year was 7th. It's not safe, I don't think, for me to go to public school (unrelated reasons) and I dropped out because it was killing me mentally and I couldn't handle the stress with my failing grades on top of them. (funny enough, a large majority of my mental issues are probably from being in squalor, haha...) I don't think I can go back until I'm out of this situation at least. larataylor Thank you. I try to do this. Making progress each day is impossible many of them, so I try to at least maintain my gains like that. TML Thank you so much for all of this... I can't put it in enough words how much all of it helps. Yeah, I don't really know anything about cleaning... My mom 'teases' me for not knowing how to dust or sweep or anything properly even. And I mentioned this in my reply to Arid. I kind of hope so, honestly... I don't know if we can really afford it, but I'm scared at this point... It helps to hear someone else understands. It hurts to think about how all I know is hiding and keeping secrets "So CPS won't take you away." It feels like a special kind of hurt no one else will ever understand, and I'm broken for it. I don't want to think that way, though. I will try to keep all of this in mind. Thank you again. |
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Post by larataylor on Mar 9, 2021 8:14:17 GMT -5
gelberosen - I'm so impressed that you fixed the plumbing! I hope you get to the doctor again, or the PT and do whatever you need to do for that arm. That's got to be a top priority. I'm glad you've got some little pieces of your life that make you feel normal and sane, like cooking your food. Although reverting to frozen dinners temporarily might be a way to rest your arm more. And I hesitate to encourage more progress on the mess until your arm is healed. The mess is not yours, and you can clean it up later or leave it behind. Your arm is part of you forever. And I understand how hard it is to do what feels like nothing in a demanding environment. The teasing from your mother makes me angry. It is even possible to dust or sweep anywhere?
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Post by NewLifeToday on Mar 9, 2021 8:58:23 GMT -5
gelberosen. I'm glad you posted. I am sending you good thoughts. I know it is a challenge to say "yes" to oneself, and still take care of those who are dependent upon us. Finding ways to rest, and to do things in a peace-giving way are part of my goals. I wish you a lovely day, and beauty in your steps. 
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Post by joyinvirginia on Mar 9, 2021 13:12:12 GMT -5
If you are 18, legally you are an adult and CPS can't do anything. So ask for help, from grandmother or someone. And check into classes for adults to complete high school diploma, in my area they are called GED or general equivalency diploma.
Check out apartmenttherapy.com for cleaning tutorials. At main menu, click "how to" and look for cleaning, or click "more" and go to cleaning & organizing.
Got old socks? Great for dusting, then throw out or wash to reuse. Get a good broom and dustpan to get up the trash on the floor.
Best wishes. We do care. I hope you will keep us updated.
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