jfally
New Member
I didn't wait. Haha, I see that there are some recent posts. I went ahead and gave my "story."
Joined: March 2021
Posts: 8
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Post by jfally on Mar 23, 2021 11:51:01 GMT -5
Hello everyone! I stumbled across this website because I realized I needed help and wasn't quite sure how to go about it...
I came across this forum and it seems as if there are many people who are also dealing with the same things I am dealing with. I am a single mother, my daughter will be 2 in June. When I first moved into my apartment -- and before my daughter became mobile -- it was always neat and clean. I was fresh out of my parents house (after leaving and coming back because I am a mess and suck at life), and with a new child I was determined to live the life I wanted filled with structure and...well cleanliness. I got into a relationship, it ended badly, I became depressed. I no longer had the desire to take care of myself and that included my home. My daughter started walking and getting into everything and deciding that making messes would be here life's passion. I mean, I get it...making a mess is the passion of every young child. Instead of sticking to my guns and trying to provide more structure with her around meal times, I pretty much let her eat wherever and however she wants. As long as it's not "bothering" me, ya know? Real selfish stuff here....I just didn't have the energy. I wanted to sit on my couch, play Apex Legends, and ignore everything. I have this insane "all or nothing" mentality and it has gotten me into immense trouble and sticky situations. Either I am going to be able to clean my apartment -- now infested with roaches -- in one day...or it can't happen at all.
I made an effort a few weeks ago with my living room. I moved the couch, got all the yucky stuff off of the floor. Whether that was by sweeping or scrubbing. The floor was finally clear and it seemed to have a lot more order. It took 1 hour of my daughter just running through like she owned the place and lack of desire to clean after she went to bed and I was ready to, for things to just go southward once again. I am tired. I am sad. I need a cleaners space so I can feel better about myself and start tackling the other issues in my life. I deserve better and most importantly, my daughter deserves better. She deserves a better life example because I am not it. At least not right now.
I have begun again to make changes. I cleaned my car yesterday. Took me 30 - 40 min to do it...but I did it. A whole trash bag worth of garbage no longer in the floor of my car. It feels great. When someone tried to open the car door and trash just fell out? I knew it was time for something else. I made a goal today that on my lunch break I am going to start by attacking the kitchen. I want to try and keep my dishes....but I might have to just throw it all away. There is old food, mold....and just sadness...After the kitchen I want to clean my daughters room...The second area for the feasting critters -_-. Then I move to the living room. I think I will save that for this weekend and I will move around. I am just so afraid of getting back into the same habits and mindset ("LATER"). I have been reading the routine is everything so I will definitely start looking into ways to keep the clutter and mess down. I also realize that when it is time for dinner, I should put down the game....I am just a mess and maybe need someone to keep me accountable. I seclude myself because I don't want company. I don't want people to see/know how bad it is. I burn candles, but it can't completely mask this just stale smell...I just need a plan of attack, one that won't overwhelm me.
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Post by larataylor on Mar 23, 2021 13:22:53 GMT -5
jfally - welcome to the forum! Many of us have experienced many of the things you're dealing with. You're not alone, and there is no need to feel shame here. Depression and mess are a vicious cycle. They cause each other and worsen each other. But you've made a great start with the couch and the car! And you have a good plan of attack. Anything that's feeding the roaches should go first, and many of us have tossed dishes and containers when cleaning and saving them is too overwhelming.
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jfally
New Member
I didn't wait. Haha, I see that there are some recent posts. I went ahead and gave my "story."
Joined: March 2021
Posts: 8
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Post by jfally on Mar 23, 2021 14:01:26 GMT -5
I am almost speechless...I was sure that I would be the exception to the rule and the shaming would start. A sigh of relief is in order. I didn't have a lot of time to do what I wanted in the kitchen during my lunch break, but I managed to clear a counter...throw quite a bit away and start scrubbing that cleared counter. I have made an assessment of the..."damages"....instead of trying to ignore my kitchen all together and running in and out like the boggy man hides in the cupboard. I am overwhelmed about the dishes though. I started a load. It's small because I want each dish to get as much attention as possible. I am not afraid anymore to put in the time because I have come to terms with the fact that this may not be an overnight fix. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that this will actually require effort.
However there is a plus side: As I was headed out the door and back to work, I was finishing a to-go drink. Once I was certain I had consumed the last drop, I placed it down on the coffee table. I paused, thought about my actions and said, "This should go in the trash..." I promptly picked the cup back up and walked to the kitchen where I threw it away. More moments like that go along way.
I am just OVER this. I feel like once I clean my house I can focus more on other things. Like self-care...I assume that I can not start taking care of myself when my shelter is in shambles.
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Post by goldenthreads on Mar 23, 2021 14:13:31 GMT -5
I need a cleaners space so I can feel better about myself and start tackling the other issues in my life. I deserve better and most importantly, my daughter deserves better. She deserves a better life example because I am not it. At least not right now. I have begun again to make changes. I'm glad you're here. Of course you're feeling overwhelmed: you're the single mother of a toddler! That age is a distant memory for me, so I'd have to dig deep to think of really practical things. I do remember the feelings, though. And the interruptions! You've made progress on your living room and car recently, and that is good. And you have some ideas about what to do this week. I'm curious: of the messes your girl makes, are there some that bother you a lot more than others? E.g., her blocks vs. kitchen cupboard contents vs. shredding Kleenex, etc. What I'm getting at is if there are ways to let her have the fun but easy-to-pick-up things available, while making the most troublesome objects inaccessible to her. Also, fewer movable things means fewer things to pick up. Are there too many toys or other things? You're right that an all-or-nothing attitude is damaging not just to goals, but to spirit. I hope that you can begin to release it. Two mottos used frequently here:   From my experience, the problem comes when I've made a valiant effort, am beginning to see progress, and then there's a setback because of something or someone. It is strangely comforting to fall into a dull despair instead of dealing with the repeated sharp pains of being thwarted. We need to carry on, nonetheless. As a couple of people have said on another thread, starting over again or picking up where we left off is also a valuable skill! For you, in this season of life, you'll sometimes be treading water when you think you should be doing high-level swimming, so please remember that that's no reflection on you, and that treading water is what many of us do a lot of the time. It's necessary and human. I agree with larataylor. Getting rid of roach attractions is most important. You could decide how many of each kind of dish you actually need, keep those, and throw out the most disgusting. Scraping and then soaking in very hot soapy water will do a lot of the work for you. If you play and talk with your daughter some each day, she is fed good food, and she has some interesting things to do, you will have done the most important things. She's learning from your examples of kindness and interaction. Any mess right now will be forgotten.
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Post by Arid on Mar 23, 2021 14:28:06 GMT -5
*THAT* is a *lovely* post, goldenthreads--much better that anything that I could have written!!
And to you, jfally--welcome to the board!!
Arid
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Post by gaylem on Mar 23, 2021 14:51:21 GMT -5
jfally Welcome. Congratulations on a great start to a new habit by promptly trashing the to-go cup. I look forward to your posts.
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Post by larataylor on Mar 23, 2021 15:54:23 GMT -5
jfally - I have often found the "big picture" to be overwhelming. It's good to have an overall plan sometimes, but I usually find when I feel overwhelmed it's because I'm taking in too much at a time. Like, the whole house, or even a whole room, or the whole car. And I know that feeling of overwhelm kills my motivation. So I stop looking at the big picture and fuss around tidying little things. I might pull the vacuum over for a bit of cat hair in a corner. Doing a small thing can lead to doing another small thing ... and then I've done half a room without thinking about half a room. Putting that cup in the trash is a perfect example.
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Post by danny15 on Mar 23, 2021 20:19:23 GMT -5
jfally , just to let you know you're not alone playing games while letting your daughter fend for herself ~~
There was a time when my kids were little, maybe 2 and 4 or 3 and 5, I forget, and to relieve stress I would play Pac Man or Space Invaders until I got to a high level. Back then you could not pause a game, just had to play until death. I would tell them before I started, "Remember, no interruptions unless it's Blood or Fire." One day the older daughter said, "Mommy?" and I said, "Remember the rule.". She said, "It's a Blood innerrup.". Sure enough her little sister had blood running from her nose from a fall. Of course I felt bad and jumped up to take care of her. They still tease me about that to this day and they are now 39 and 41. 
 
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Post by joyinvirginia on Mar 23, 2021 23:23:25 GMT -5
Welcome jfally! Many of us have been there with small children and can understand. You're two year old is old enough to want to initiate mommy. So let her play and make a mess, then when playtimes over, let her help mommy pick things up! My cutie grandkids had small broom and mop when they were little. Toy cleaning things, but the kids wanted to help!
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jfally
New Member
I didn't wait. Haha, I see that there are some recent posts. I went ahead and gave my "story."
Joined: March 2021
Posts: 8
|
Post by jfally on Mar 24, 2021 11:06:10 GMT -5
@goldenthreads
Thank you for the encouragement! The messes she makes are obviously not here fault. More so mine. There isn't a lot of structure around dinner time (totally my fault I know), so she kinda just goes around dropping crumbs turning boxes and bags over to dump all of the goodies out. Even when I started remembering to NOT trust the toddler with the bag or box of food...she would still manage to take the plate or baggy I gave her and throw the food everywhere. I just have to be more focused on creating a more structural eating environment for her I guess. Her toys? Never a problem. I mean, yes, it's a problem now because her toys are everywhere.
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jfally
New Member
I didn't wait. Haha, I see that there are some recent posts. I went ahead and gave my "story."
Joined: March 2021
Posts: 8
|
Post by jfally on Mar 24, 2021 11:08:19 GMT -5
*THAT* is a *lovely* post, goldenthreads--much better that anything that I could have written!! And to you, jfally--welcome to the board!! Arid @ Arid
Thank you so much for that. Writing isn't something I am completely terrible at. Spelling in the other hand? Ha...ha...haha...ha.
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jfally
New Member
I didn't wait. Haha, I see that there are some recent posts. I went ahead and gave my "story."
Joined: March 2021
Posts: 8
|
Post by jfally on Mar 24, 2021 11:11:45 GMT -5
goldenthreads The wisdom, ooooh, the wisdom is palpable. I didn't know I needed to hear "If you play and talk with your daughter some each day, she is fed good food, and she has some interesting things to do, you will have done the most important things. She's learning from your examples of kindness and interaction. Any mess right now will be forgotten." Until I actually heard it. That takes away so much of the "Am I doing this right..." mental weight I carry around daily.
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jfally
New Member
I didn't wait. Haha, I see that there are some recent posts. I went ahead and gave my "story."
Joined: March 2021
Posts: 8
|
Post by jfally on Mar 24, 2021 11:12:07 GMT -5
I will get to everyone else asap! I am at work and only had a moment for a couple of responses.
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Post by bree on Mar 24, 2021 12:34:32 GMT -5
HI I am a single mom and though I now have a teenager, I very well remember how hard the toddler days were!
It sounds like you don't have too much stuff, just a mess? that is actually easier, I think, than having too much stuff
my ideas -
first I thought clean up the baby's room, but if the problem is the kitchen that is leading to bugs, start there. It will lead to her room being cleaner. then do her room so she has a clean safe space.
can you just force yourself -- each day before bed I go around and pick up the trash. Can you also put it in a bin outside? That gets rid of any trash odors. and if you do this every day even for a few minutes you will see big results
structure really helps with little ones. For meals, can you put her at the table or highchair? Right away the toddler eating mess will be contained to one area. and your mess will be greatly reduced. and she will probably enjoy that time with you more than roaming around the house.
a two year old can help pick up toys, I made it a game, we'd sing a song and throw toys in a bin. Nothing needs to be fancy, you could put a rubbermaid bin in room(s) and toss toys in before nap and bedtime.
the hard part is that there is no magic -- it is like the nike saying -- you just gotta do it. but the good news is that little easy to take steps can make a big difference.
good luck
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Post by gunnachange on Mar 26, 2021 0:53:46 GMT -5
Take heart dear one!, With your little one, just love her, keep her fed (most toddlers are NOT tidy) dressed for the weather, and spend time with her. I never got my house tidy, but my grown up kids now remember my making time for them, not the spotless floors. It is ok to be sad when things are not ok, but get some help for you when you need it....and don't beat yourself up, baby steps work for mummas too!it is a work in progress. everyone here is so understanding, you are cared for.
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