farandaway
New Member
Everything which is not Ladder falls away
Joined: November 2016
Posts: 63 
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Post by farandaway on Apr 10, 2021 3:10:04 GMT -5
Hello. I joined this community a few years back, but have not been that active. I recently realized that I need community to get myself back on track.
I wanted to ask a question here to start taking steps to change my current situation without downloading my entire life story. I am a single mother of three kids who are now young adults but still living with me. I started out with their father 30 years ago. I adored him beyond all reason and built my life around him. I studied and worked, kept our house clean and orderly, cooked wonderful meals every day, and had our three kids in quick succession. Didn’t notice that he was slowly but surely isolating me and was selfish in the extreme. Anyway, some drastic changes in our living circumstances brought out his true colors so that even I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I called him out on his behavior and he then became overtly abusive to me and to our children. I left him, which began a nightmare lasting for many years. Now, 13 years later, I am more or less free of him, but I am a changed person.
I seem to have lost all of my motivation. I leave things around the house to collect dust. It is a chore for me to shop and cook, like a huge hurdle that I have to force myself over. I have a hard time following through on things such as finishing laundry. Boxes full of miscellaneous stuff can sit in main parts of the house for months or years. I procrastinate everything. My garage is full of old toys and kid’s books that I cannot even begin to look at. If I see anything from my kids’ babyhood I just cry with regret and become so paralyzed. How can I ever get rid of any of it? I believe I am at a squalor level of 1, but that is not me! I’m a neat and clean person! My kids live with me full time and I am ashamed. Why are they not motivation enough for me to be that loving and enthusiastic person I was when they were little?
I believe that grief and/or trauma can be the beginning of hoarding for some people. I watch those hoarding videos on youtube sometimes and seem to see that trend. I see that look of desperation in the person’s eyes when the team of helpers shows up and starts clearing things out. Their stuff is their safety. Their chance to hold on to their possibilities. Their chance to have some control over an overwhelming outside world. Their chance to focus on something other than their real problems which are too much to handle. I recognize that in myself. I am paralyzed with fear. I'm just hiding here in my stuff. My life has turned out so differently than I planned it. My kids have had to grow up under such different circumstances than they should have. We had lots of money and freedom before and the potential to be a stable family. They should have had a chance to develop to their full potential. Instead, they were traumatized by the divorce, my depression, their father’s crazy and violent behavior and me working constantly to make ends meet. My kids are not thriving where we are now. But so much bad stuff has happened (I could seriously write a book!), I feel I am settled in where I am no matter what. I am utterly terrified of triggering another series of traumatizing events for all of us!
My question is: How can a person come out from under this disappointment, regret and grief? I want to feel better and take steps in my life to improve things and start really living again. Building friendships, making plans, and especially showing my kids that I am okay and they have a safe and stable base of support. How can I feel better again?
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Post by mynicehome on Apr 10, 2021 8:38:41 GMT -5
Five little words to help you change your life: This is a new day.Welcome back to the forum farandaway !    |
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Post by mylittlescholar on Apr 10, 2021 9:09:48 GMT -5
hi farandaway . I'm glad you posted and I can relate to many aspects of your story. I *am* writing a book about my story. its been cathartic.
I think you are right about the connection between hoarding and trauma. and I think the questions you ask about grief are really important. and I'm guessing that there are as many roads to recovery as there are people.
For myself, I had to straighten out my "roads" first. In other words, deal with as much of any underlying issues as I could. I have had an exorbitant amount of therapy, but I needed it.
I've also understood that there is a skill- and knowledge- set involved in recovery. There's not so much a magic bullet as a recipe that I keep working on improving and adapting as my needs change over time.
I think one of the key insights that I have gained here is "motivation follows action." In other words, just flip around the last sentences in your post. Don't wait to feel better to take those baby steps. I have had to force myself to take some really uncomfortable baby steps--and then I feel better. There is a momentum that builds.
Now they understand that this is because the dopamine, the "reward/motivator" chemical, comes FROM taking action. If we sit around waiting to "feel motivated," we will be disappointed. Pretty much everything I do is to hack my brain. I eventually learned that not taking my moods "personally" is helpful as well.
One of the most important skills has been picking myself back up after a setback. There is a lot that goes into this. I am working on this right now. My narcissistic ex died last week. We were still married; he had no will. So I am dealing with a lot. But I don't want to spend one more molecule of emotion on regret, etc. than I have to. I don't want to give his ghost any "supply," so to speak. I have picked myself back up so many times that I have faith in myself I can do this. This makes it easier. I have faith in you that you can do it too.
My "recipe" involves radical acceptance. I'd rather be in painful reality than oblivious denial. I've learned how to vibrate/express/move my emotions so I don't get stuck. Been working on that for decades, and it has served me well.
There are so many ways that people's lives don't work out how they hoped. People get sick, they experience losses, they experience tragedies. People live in war-torn areas. Natural disasters happen. Plagues. So much is out of our control. What I love about this place is I get to take a vacation from my own life and insight into others'. How they cope. And I can cheer them on, which makes me feel good.
Finally I will say that another huge aha for me was understanding that self-esteem came from when my own actions matched my own value system. there is nothing more invigorating than knowing that despite bad behavior happening around me, I was proud of the way I was acting. And anytime that I was pushed to the edge of my coping capacity, and no longer acting in ways that made me proud, that's when I knew I needed to make changes and ask for help to do that when I needed it.
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farandaway
New Member
Everything which is not Ladder falls away
Joined: November 2016
Posts: 63
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Post by farandaway on Apr 11, 2021 2:16:46 GMT -5
Five little words to help you change your life: This is a new day.Welcome back to the forum farandaway ! Thanks for the hugs and support mynicehome!
Today is indeed a new day!
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farandaway
New Member
Everything which is not Ladder falls away
Joined: November 2016
Posts: 63
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Post by farandaway on Apr 11, 2021 2:58:56 GMT -5
Thank you, mylittlescholar, for your thoughtful response! Especially when I see from your posts that you're going through an exceptionally difficult time!
Incidentally, my exH is NPD per my diagnosis. I always say that when you divorce such a person, you learn enough to get an honorary degree in psychology. He is alive and well and I have tried my best over the last few years to wish him no ill, just for my own mental well-being. He has told whopping lies (in court and otherwise) and harmed the kids and I in a thousand different ways, but in the end, he is not well. The only solution is to distance myself from him.
I have also had a lot of therapy over the years. Somehow it hasn't helped all that much. I have also taken some courses with the crappy childhood fairy in the last couple of months. Honestly, my psyche was damaged long before I met my husband. This is how I managed to lock myself into a relationship where it was all give and no take. I was raised to feel that my only value (although small) was in what I could physically do for others. Cook, clean, etc. But even my best efforts couldn't make my husband (or my father!) love me. I had to admit that that model just doesn't work. Now I'm working on just being by myself and trying to focus on what I want and need, which is weirdly hard and feels pointless to me at times. I have always been other-focused. I wanted to marry again, but right now I would only recreate the same marriage.
I like this mantra "motivation follows action". I have also found it to be true. Although sometimes I feel like I'm chest deep in quicksand and even one tiny step is too hard to do. A friend visited me a few months ago and helped me clear some stuff out of my garage. I gave a bunch of things away and burned a lot of papers. I could have recycled them, but it just felt good to see them go up in flames. They were papers from my married life, taxes and such, that I had used in court and carted around for years. I definitely felt lighter afterwards. I need to take another "uncomfortable baby step" to clear out more stuff.
Of course I know that many people's lives turn out differently than planned. I forget that sometimes when I'm wallowing. I have a very difficult time deciding what I want and taking the action to achieve it. My goal going forward is to take some steps to get us all to a better place. I read that New Yorker article about decluttering by Ann Patchett that someone on here recommended. In it was a verse:
All that is not Ladder Falls away
I need to focus on the ladder instead of all the chaotic thoughts swirling in my brain.
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Post by phoenixcat on Apr 11, 2021 12:10:28 GMT -5
Welcome back farandaway I sort of had a realization for myself this morning that I thought I would share with you. May be helpful.  . If not, treat it like clutter - keep what is useful and discard the rest.  For the last few months, I've been dealing with the loss of a pivotal person in my life coupled with my DM moving in with me and she is very elderly plus in grief on this loss. Working with all of her challenges on top of all my challenges has been challenging  to say the least. Especially in the middle of a pandemic. Literally within 12 hours in January - my life changed drastically. I was packing my DM's stuff at her apartment (only allowed four hours there in full PPE) - came home exhausted and at 3 AM my relative who I'm medically responsible for went into the hospital which was the start of daily stress as she survived 6 weeks of hospice comfort care before passing away. Anyway, right now I'm dealing with my DM's stuff everywhere. I'm very frustrated and overwhelmed and my DM is even more so. And what is worse is that she is "unhelpful" to say the least. . Anytime I mention doing something or discarding something - she gets upset and flustered and essentially paralyzed with indecision. However, I woke up this morning with the realization that what I'm doing now would have been impossible at my old home. Here it is doable. I can and will make changes and eventually it will be OK. There is hope. But in our old rental home in another state which was a disaster on many levels - I never could have had my DM and her cat move in with us in the first place or even have had them in the same state - it was too expensive. I didn't have any light in the end of the tunnel because the place was not fixable by us. We would have had to relocate with our many cats to have the place fixed up. And, any fixes or changes was the landlord's decision - not ours so probably would have been shoddy work if done at all. Actually, we would have been kicked out once they found out about all of our cats anyway! HAHA. I guess my point is that as difficult as things are - you have known worse. And, by getting out of the "worse" - you now are in charge of "better". It is frightening to make changes but it is wonderfully exhilarating to know that you CAN make the changes - that some almost impossible impediments are no longer there. Master of your own fate so to speak. For me, I'm working on a closet from heck today. It is sort of a jump start on finding room for things (and probably discarding a lot of my own). Do you have a spot that would ripple out to other areas? Dishes? Finding room for clean laundry? Finding a landing spot for mail sort? Something semi-painful that would make your life easier once it was under control? Hugs and Blessings to you  PC |
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Post by def6 on Apr 11, 2021 18:15:40 GMT -5
Hello farandawayFirst of all Welcome to this group! My heart goes out to you in reading what you have written here. Honestly, if I wanted to make a big change , I would go to counseling. In other words; ask an expert about hard things like How to clean up when it triggers bad memories...that is what the experts are paid the big bucks for. But the thing that I would tell you is You should proud of yourself, you are a survivor. Some of your self- blame and guilt from the past might be residual from the abuse. Try to build yourself up any way you can. |
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Post by joyinvirginia on Apr 11, 2021 18:35:46 GMT -5
Welcome back, farandaway! Therapy and antidepressant medication helped control my severe depression. Hiring a professional organizer to do a walkthrough and give me a plan in the form of suggestions really helped. When my parents had both died and I had to empty my childhood home to rent it, a good friend came and helped me go thru boxes of papers, like your friend did. Some days, you just have to "fake it til you make it", and once you start doing something, you get one or two more things done.
Having something I think is pretty or funny out on display where I see it every day is helpful too. I have a Dr. Fauci bobblehead in the kitchen that makes me smile.
Welcome!
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farandaway
New Member
Everything which is not Ladder falls away
Joined: November 2016
Posts: 63
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Post by farandaway on Apr 12, 2021 4:13:51 GMT -5
Thanks PC for your encouraging words. Progress toward a better situations sometimes happens at such a glacial pace that I hardly notice an improvement. But compared with early days of the divorce, our lives are so much better now. And most of that improvement is due to my untiring efforts. You are right--there is hope.
Def6, I have had quite a bit of counseling, but it mostly helped me through emotional crises. Work on my underlying problems was not really accomplished. Maybe I should revisit that. I am also living abroad, which complicates things. I need to find a counselor who gets me, but I have noticed that the counselors here see things through their little narrow cultural lens and have some ideas and perceptions that don't resonate with me at all. But maybe I can find someone online. I have made lots of little changes over the years, but I'm strongly considering moving back home. No matter how you slice it, that is BIG change.
Thanks, Joy, for your comments. Over the years, I have been on antidepressants for long periods of time. I have recently gone off. I also took anti-anxiety meds for many years during my battles with exH. My entire life, I have had this underlying white noise of anxiety. I would like to learn to deal with it by getting my life into a kind of alignment with my needs. I feel that that would take care of a lot of it. Also, maybe I should consult again with my friend who helped me. She recently got rid of everything and moved to a city on the Mediterranean sea. She could provide me with encouragement which I need right now.
I think also that blogging could help. I'm going to start my own blog here. I used to blog on a website for people escaping emotionally-abusive spouses. It got hacked and destroyed and was never re-established. Then I was on Daily Strength for several years, which is now defunct. I loved blogging down my chaotic thoughts, my inspirations, my daily events regularly. I felt heard by people who understood.
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Post by mylittlescholar on Apr 12, 2021 13:02:50 GMT -5
I love that quote about getting a degree in psychology, SO TRUE!!!
yes to blogging! I'm sorry you got hacked, and I'm sorry Daily Strength is gone. But this space is perfect for the specific issues you are speaking to. Honestly I think this kind of self-help group can be quite effective, especially if you don't have other support. Looking forward to reading it.
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Post by larataylor on Apr 12, 2021 19:34:26 GMT -5
farandaway - I feel a lot of what you speak of. Life doesn't go as planned, and becomes impossibly difficult. It leaves you with grief and regret. I second Scholar on Motivation Follows Action. Shoulda known dopamine was involved!  Thinking about what needs to be done is overwhelming, so you have to not do that. Doing something is what shifts that.
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Post by mynicehome on Apr 12, 2021 20:48:34 GMT -5
... My kids live with me full time and I am ashamed. Why are they not motivation enough for me to be that loving and enthusiastic person I was when they were little?
I believe that grief and/or trauma can be the beginning of hoarding for some people. I watch those hoarding videos on youtube sometimes and seem to see that trend. I see that look of desperation in the person’s eyes when the team of helpers shows up and starts clearing things out. Their stuff is their safety. Their chance to hold on to their possibilities. Their chance to have some control over an overwhelming outside world. Their chance to focus on something other than their real problems which are too much to handle. I recognize that in myself. I am paralyzed with fear. I'm just hiding here in my stuff. My life has turned out so differently than I planned it. My kids have had to grow up under such different circumstances than they should have. We had lots of money and freedom before and the potential to be a stable family. They should have had a chance to develop to their full potential. Instead, they were traumatized by the divorce, my depression, their father’s crazy and violent behavior and me working constantly to make ends meet. My kids are not thriving where we are now. But so much bad stuff has happened (I could seriously write a book!), I feel I am settled in where I am no matter what. I am utterly terrified of triggering another series of traumatizing events for all of us!
My question is: How can a person come out from under this disappointment, regret and grief? I want to feel better and take steps in my life to improve things and start really living again. Building friendships, making plans, and especially showing my kids that I am okay and they have a safe and stable base of support. How can I feel better again? ((((( farandaway))))) I've bolded the above because your instinct about creating re-trauma might be right on. If you are in therapy this might be a good area to gently delve into. Hoarding also happens when people "get stuck in the past" at a place (usually) when things starting going "wrong". Every thing they can bring in acts like a shield against what the future might be like. Typically, this is fear-based. IMO, you are stuck in the past, anchored there until you feel brave enough to move forward. Time has floated you a little away on whatever length of rope dreams of freedom have allowed you. So maybe moving ahead, i.e. decluttering under extreme resistance, is not the chart to path at this time. Maybe you need to sail back into the past, to the last time period in your lives - yours and your children - when you felt confident of your future and "dropped anchor". I would guess it would be the last time you felt that you and the kids were thriving. Sail back there. Dear Farandaway, my own mother's instinct can clearly see yours at work here. Do not worry that you failed as a mother over these years because you have not. You are not failing right now, you are sensing "danger" ahead for your family. So go back somewhat, and re-group. Your children were thriving at one time because of your mother's love. They throve (?) because you knew instinctively as their mother what kind of love to bring to each one. You still know but have lost confidence in what you know. Refresh that well from a time where you were confident of motherhood and your receptivity to the needs and joys of your children. You can apply those very same early childhood deep love to this present moment.  That love springs eternal and won't infantalize the kids. And that would take a large load of guilt off your shoulders and that will help the grief to go through. None of the above means no cleaning up at all though, and is not intended to thwart any decluttering plans you have. I wish you all the best in any course of action you take. 
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farandaway
New Member
Everything which is not Ladder falls away
Joined: November 2016
Posts: 63
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Post by farandaway on Apr 13, 2021 4:40:00 GMT -5
MLS, I didn't realize when I joined that there was a possibility to journal here. I know that it really helps me, especially when I get feedback from understanding people! I have missed it so much!
Lara, yes, I am stuck in the past. I lost my husband and then lost my dreams. But, honestly, how crazy is that? I am still alive and have so many possiblities! I'm going to keep up with babysteps and work on defining my dreams in life instead of getting bogged down.
Mynicehome, you are correct. I feel paralyzed in my life from fear. I "dropped anchor" a long time ago. Although I have physically kept moving (from place to place), I have been emotionally stuck. I actually can pinpoint the time of stuck-ness to the birth of my second child, when I realized that my love for my husband was just gone. After years of him not stepping up to the plate for me/us in a thousand different ways. Before that, this love propelled me. It lived within me like "The Song of the Family" in Steinbeck's The Pearl. At that time, the song stopped. We separated 6 years later after a whole lot of BS.
Although my kids are struggling and traumatized (all have diagnosed PTSD), I feel that they are developing in a positive direction. I went into motherhood with the main goal of ensuring that my kids always felt heard, seen and loved (as I had not). Did I carry that out perfectly? Absolutely not. Still, I was pretty consistent. And I have apologized to all of them for my failings and regularly let each of them know that I care and support them. I feel their trust and love. I will write more about this when I start my journal, no doubt. (I can ramble on for ages!) I have been very discouraged by how unmotivated my two younger kids are and I have acted out with anger. In the last few months, though, I have realized that I need to go back, as you have suggested, and just love them where they are. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but I believe it will be the only effective way to help them move forward.
(I need to figure out how to tag people and how to use the cool smileys! When I click on "select smiley", I see a long list of weird codes!)
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Post by NewLifeToday on Apr 13, 2021 8:56:02 GMT -5
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Post by goldenthreads on Apr 13, 2021 9:50:06 GMT -5
(I need to figure out how to tag people and how to use the cool smileys! When I click on "select smiley", I see a long list of weird codes!) Are you using Quick Reply? Go to just plain Reply (on the far right, top or bottom). You'll be taken to a magical place with a lot of buttons for useful choices. Tagging people is from the button with the @ plus a little person. (I post from a laptop. I think I've seen what you're seeing when I look at this site on my phone.)
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