|
|
Post by xievajohnson on Jun 10, 2021 9:58:14 GMT -5
I am hoping that you all could share your most basic pointers for coping with the emotional decisions surrounding the possessions in my parents home. Thank you in advance for condolences. My uncle has been named Executor and I have the key to my parents house. They moved into the house during my college years, so I do not really think of it as my childhood home, but my children spent a lot of time there visiting their grandparents. Ordinarily, I prefer to research and consume myself in information, but for some reason my modus operandi doesn't feel right. I just need some simply, obvious guidelines. Even a thread at SOS or a favorite blog, would be appreciated. I have already found the most sentimental and relatively low financial value items. I am going to take some dining room furniture. No I do not have space for it, but for whatever reason, I am firm on that one. Obviously, I have hoarding issues so all of the things are telling me to "Pick me, pick me". My hoarding brain is saying, "Just take it, you can sell it later". My home is not yet stacked to the ceiling, so I could add another layer. That doesn't help. I have made claim to the majority of old photos and memorablia. My rational brain is whispering, "How bout you go through it just once, instead of taking it all and going through it later?" My hoarding brain is saying, "I know you swore never to resort to a storage unit, but this is an exception". It is likely, but not firm, that the house itself will be sold to a non-family member. That means it is a one shot deal. I live less than two hours away, so I can take way more than I need or should, so there's that. It is not yet to the "last minute", so now would be a really good time for me to establish some limits and guidelines. If you would be so kind as to share your thoughts, I would appreciate it. Even if everyone says the very same thing, that could clarify things for me. I don't post often, but I have benefitted from the wealth of knowledge and understanding that you all at SOS provide. I recommend the site to anyone who seems interested in the available wisdom. Thx.  XJ |
|
|
|
Post by desposito on Jun 10, 2021 11:29:07 GMT -5
Hi xieva, if you're looking for detailed advice, I think it would depend on a few things--how much time do you have? Are there other relatives who will come and take some things? And are you in great financial need so that it's necessary to sell as much as possible?
If you're just looking for general thoughts, I can say that right after someone dies it's common to look at everything and think you have to keep it because it belonged to the person. But honestly, the most important things to keep are just a few things that most remind you of them. They don't have to be big things, just a representative handful of things that you can look at later and fondly remember. You don't need to see every item the person every used--plus, you can always take photos of things if you want a visual reminder.
I'm sure you've experienced the fact that the more things you have in your own living space, the harder it is to sort them, take care of them, keep them clean. So if you take things just because they're available, you'll make your own situation worse, not better. I know it's hard to really feel that, we're programmed to see value in everything but the value is some amorphous thing that may or may not ever help us, whereas not filling your house up so that you have a problem later is a very real benefit.
My sister died at the end of last year, but my situation is somewhat different because I'm living in her house now. I was able to donate or throw away a lot of her things because I've gotten to a much better place with my hoarding, I can look at most things logically now and that helped so much.
If you have questions about specific items you might want to talk about them here, people who have been in the same situation will probably have advice.
I wish you clarity during this time so that you can make wise decisions!
Diane
|
|
|
|
Post by NewLifeToday on Jun 10, 2021 14:41:47 GMT -5
Do you have time to go there several times? Having to choose and pack in one fell swoop would take looking for specific categories and specific items you already know you want. If you can go there several times, it would give you time to process your choices. Regarding children: I have always appreciated having things that belonged to older generations, and to have someone explain to me what each item meant. I started to save something I thought was special, only to find out, it was just something from a sewing circle rummage sale. On the other hand, I gave away something, only to find out many years later it had been something very special. I love feeling connected to the ones who are our heritage through reading their books, using their tools, as well as doing things I know they did. I wish you much fulfillment in this. |
|
|
|
Post by xievajohnson on Jun 10, 2021 14:51:46 GMT -5
Thank you! General thoughts is exactly what I am looking for. I should post these two bits on a notecard:
I am sorry to hear about your sister. Grief is always complicated. Prayers and positive thoughts for you both.
Thank you, Xieva
|
|
|
|
Post by xievajohnson on Jun 10, 2021 15:15:01 GMT -5
I wish you much fulfillment in this.  Thank you NewLife. I will have the opportunity to make several trips, so, now, early on it is important for me to sort of develop a strategy. If I don't I'll just end out grabbing everything at the last minute, "just in case". Yes! That makes good sense. There is no reason that I can't bring "mistakes" back on the return trip. I hadn't thought of that. I learned this afternoon that my approximate time frame is 60 days, which is a little longer than I thought it would be. So I will have time to process between trips. Good pointer. I have already begun putting together the home movies, photos, ancestry/history memorabilia. My mother had position of all of the great aunts records, so it willl be quite a project. I am hoping to cull and organize, before I bring any of it to my home. I will encourage my young adult children to take some items that have meaning,too.
|
|
|
|
Post by NewLifeToday on Jun 10, 2021 18:52:36 GMT -5
XJ, I wish you every blessing in the process of choosing, deciding, and being with all the memories and connections.
I cherish memories of having, as a child, discussed old-fashioned things from grandparents and great-grandparents with my own parents. An odd can opener, a pencil holder, a book stand, a wash board, a holder for sewing needles, an old wooden Chinese checkers game, etc. Piano music, a thesaurus, Bibles.... Everyday things that are treasures. Old hardwood clothespins.... I love them all. Some are present now only in memories. It always seemed odd to me that things could be older than people.
I am sending you good thoughts. 
|
|
|
|
Post by papermoon on Jun 10, 2021 21:39:33 GMT -5
If this might help, here's what I did in addition to keeping photos, letters and family documents, and small sentimental items. My mother had very nice taste in home furnishings, while my own things were of much lesser quality, some verging on broken-down. I gladly took several nice pieces of furniture, lamps, china, silver, and kitchen wares. It was SO easy to release my old funky stuff to Goodwill without a backward glance. And it has felt so good to be surrounded by my mother's nice things. This helped comfort me with her presence as I settled the many paperwork details of her estate, which took quite a while. That was 23 years ago. I can still look around at the creature comforts of my home with fond remembrance and gratitude.
From a financial aspect, she also had some valuable collections... antique decoys, dolls, and folk art... none of which had ever interested me at all. I took them to sell on eBay, which generated several thousands of dollars to offset legal and other costs incurred from settling her estate. For example, I had travel costs, appraisals, packing and shipping. And since I was self-employed I lost income from all the traveling to and fro. I recovered all those expenses on eBay, and made a lot of collectors very happy in the process. So it all worked out for the best.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arid on Jun 12, 2021 0:08:10 GMT -5
I suggest that you keep a pencil and paper handy! (I know; I know. You "younger" folks will use your cell phones.  !!) As you go about your days, you may think of something that you would like to have. Jot it down!! Then, when you go back to your parents' home, look for those specific items that are on your list. It doesn't matter if the item is worth 10 cents or $10,000; all that matters is that it is something that *you* would like to have going forward. I know how difficult this is (been there; done that!). You do, indeed, have my condolences. Arid |
|
|
|
Post by immaculata on Jun 12, 2021 4:06:59 GMT -5
My sincere condolences on your loss.
It's so hard, clearing through a house when loved ones have passed. Every item has doubled sentimental value due to the rawness of feeling at that time.
When my father passed away, and I had to go through his stuff, the task was made a little easier for me because my dad's will listed the things he was fondest of: his motorbikes, his tools, and his watch. All of these were willed to my little brother, so it was simply a question of getting them out from under my dad's hoard and getting them to my brother. Easier said than done, but at least it was clear what had to happen. You're in a situation where you can keep anything you want, but you can't keep everything. Possibly you could reflect about your parents' very favourite things? And for a start, select those to keep, or pass to family members?
Next I thought about what items were good reminders to me of my dad. I kept his photographs, and some professional certificates he was particularly proud of, framed them and put them on my wall, for example. I kept my dad's dress uniform (he was military). I kept some of his socks (I know that's a bit strange, but I used to borrow his socks and he used to roll his eyes at me about it all the time when he was alive). I kept his favourite pen and his favourite armchair. What will be a good reminder of your folks?
My dad had many wonderful qualities, however he was a hoarder. My mother managed to confine his hoarding to the garage so his garage was crammed to the ceiling when he passed away. There was stuff bolted to the ceiling too.
I had the option of moving the house contents to one of my brother's barns and dealing with it later. I didn't choose to do this as I wanted to get through it and get it done. It's only my humble opinion, but moving all the house contents to storage would simply be deferring the decision making. I thought, why put yourself through it all twice?
Working my way through all of that took a long time and was exhausting. It sounds bad to say I remember feeling quite angry with him at times as I got through it all. And I learned from that, that I didn't want to leave a similar situation to my niece when I (hopefully many years from now) pass away. The whole experience made me look at my own behaviours, realise I too was a hoarder, and start getting to grips with my own possessions. And now, although I'm still a work in progress, I'm much happier. So that was something that I took away with me.
Dealing with it all is a challenge, and I wish you all the best with it. Nothing can take away your happy memories. I wish you peace.
|
|
|
|
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jun 12, 2021 4:41:07 GMT -5
Here is one option that some of our members have tried:
Bring with you a camera and an audio recorder. Or a video recorder. Or bring a modern phone that does all that. Bring whatever device(s) work -- and then...
While you are visiting the home full of stuff do this: Take pictures or videos of items that have memories for you. And/or talk into the audio recording your feelings and memories about the items. Or handwrite notes to yourself if that's easier than talking into a recorder.
Then, when you get home, you can compile your pictures/videos/audio into something meaningful you design. You could make a scrapbook of the photos, and include some of your written or typed thoughts pasted into the scrapbook. Or make a video disc of your memories associated with these items.
You can look at the scrapbook or video you created at any time, and you could add onto your creation later, too.
This could be a loving way to honor the memories -- without having to bring the physical items into your home.
|
|
|
|
Post by peaceandfreedom on Jun 12, 2021 15:34:12 GMT -5
As a genealogist, I would suggest that your aunt’s old photos and records are important, and likely some things in the collection may even be irreplaceable. (Photos, documents, maybe letters.). If they don’t interest you particularly, please try to find another family member who would treasure them.
Taking photos is a worthwhile thing to do, as others have suggested. My Mom died in 2003, and with the passing of years, I’ve let go of some of her things that I saved at the time. Sometimes, our priorities and preferences change with the passing of time. Right now, I can’t think of anything of hers that I don’t have but that I wish I did have.
You can do this big job, a bit at a time.
|
|
|
|
Post by creativechaos on Jun 12, 2021 16:23:20 GMT -5
Please accept my condolences, xievajohnson. My parents died when I was young and they were not all that old. i went through my mom's apartment when she died and I kept little except photos and my letters to her (i live 3000 miles away). She was not sentimental. My dad was kind of a hoarder but I still did not take much of his. I have only a small box that was his that my great uncle made, and his old hammer, which i still use.
I have since had a partner die and my sister and a few dear friends; my artist friend who just died - all i really wanted were little things to remind me of her. What I love to have best from my dearly departed are things i use often; a hand tool, a thimble, things like that, which remind me of them every time I use them. Your situation is different - a lot different than mine. There are a lot of good ideas here. I struggle with hoarding, which has gotten much worse as I age. I think just taking things loved or used or that mean something is the best approach. digital pictures have really changed things in that respect. I think it is shutterfly that has this cool service where you can make a little book for about 20 bucks; they do all the printing and you end up with a very nice product.
If you are planning to sell things and really follow through with selling, that's great. For me it just adds a layer of work and an obstacle to my getting rid of things that is unrealistic for a hoarder like me to even entertain. I'm basically poor and have poor concept of money so a few hundred bucks for all that work, with a disorganized mind such as mine, is more trouble than it's worth.
what i did find is that i had to deal with the emotions and feelings of loss, and separate those out from the things. I took only what made me happy, gave me pleasant memories of them and made me thankful - which, it turned out, didn't need to be a lot of things at all. Wishing you good luck in all your endeavors with this and i hope you will let us know how it is going. Hugs to you; cc
|
|
|
|
Post by itsybitsy on Jun 12, 2021 20:04:13 GMT -5
I am sorry for your loss. I have also lost my DMIL in mid-May. Yesterday was the one-month anniversary. So, this issue is current for me as well and the feelings that surround items that can't replace the person.
I can only give you some thoughts on what you requested: guidelines and how to set limits.
You have made decisions on two key items that you want: dining room furniture and also photos. To my mind, the two go hand in hand as you can work on the photos (organizing, culling, adding notes, whatever you have in mind) while you work on the dining room table. Enjoy and hold this thought as you spend a portion of the next 60 days readying the spot where the dining room furniture and boxes of photos will be stored. The best gift you can do for yourself is to clear and remove items before these precious items take a place of honor in your home.
I second the thought someone had to consider items that you can use...these are usually small (keychain, jewellery, tablecloth, purse, scarf, pen, etc.). I initially kept more within these categories but scaled it back over a few years when it came to my DM's and DD's things. It's also more personal. I love the story of dishes passed down and it was discussed by family members that no one could dispose of any dishes and must keep the whole set together, even if nobody entertained that way or needed them. Finally, they were told by a friend of their loved one that she hated the dish set and had felt similar obligations to keep it. So, no on that! It should be items where you have a strong memory, connection or desire to use them or place them on view.
I agree with your conclusion of no to the storage unit. Counter productive to treat sentimental items this way, plus the burden of cost to keep them. Since you have plenty of work to do with your own things, bringing items to sell means you delay important work on things that affect your day-to-day living. It is the job of the executor to sell or dispose of items. This work does not need to be passed on to you.
Best wishes on the journey.
|
|
|
|
Post by sue5000 on Jun 13, 2021 15:57:40 GMT -5
My mom recently... well, 6 months ago... moved to an assisted living facility. She will never move back home.
My dad passed 2 years ago.
The house is empty now so my siblings and I are slowly clearing the house. We all live in town except for 2 more siblings.
I have one of my dad's sweaters. I grabbed some of my mom's clothespins and some sheets.
I needed a drill so I found it in the basement.
Flower pots, a cake pan, a small table...
Im taking a few practical items that I know I will use.
My brother took a clock.
Sister took a dresser and a bench and some kitchen items.
I think we should have a garage sale after mom passes.
She asked me today "How long do I have to stay here?"
She misses my dad. 😞
|
|
|
|
Post by NewLifeToday on Jun 14, 2021 9:04:14 GMT -5
sue5000 I am sending you and your mother and all your family best thoughts for much beauty in your time together, and joy, and every blessing.
|
|
