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Post by Morningstar on Aug 25, 2021 12:11:21 GMT -5
Hi everyone
I've been trying to get my grotty cluttered house into order for some time now. It went to the skids during a prolonged period of burnout and fatigue, accompanied with a good dollop of social anxiety.
I'm starting to come out the other side now. However, I'm finding the coping strategies I used and the permissions I granted myself during burnout have become ingrained habits and are partially functioning as excuses as to 'why' I can't do anything, or reasons to procrastinate doing things or not even start.
Some of the avoidance is due to the social anxiety. In general, I'm anxious about having people in my living environment, my safe space and refuge from the world. I'm more comfortable visiting people in their homes, or in neutral places. The chaos at home gives me an "excuse" to not have people over or answer door knocks and thereby avoid facing that aspect of social anxiety.
I do have some outside social contact in the form of a regular dance group, ukulele group, current issues group and church. Over the last few weeks I was starting to stretch my wings a little more and join in coffee outings organised by a local Facebook group.
However, my budget for café and dinner outings is limited. I'm tired of being unable to reciprocate peoples' hospitality and have them over here, have people I love over, afraid to open the door incase it's the landlord and running out of plausible excuses as to why I can't have people over or would rather meet them somewhere else. The isolation and loneliness is gnawing a gaping hole in my soul, and expressing itself in unhealthy ways.
Now we are in lockdown due to a Delta community outbreak. We can only leave our homes for essential reasons and have no contact with anyone outside our "bubble". So the regular groups and small wing stretches I was doing are no longer options.
I have formed a bubble with a new friend and her household, and have visited her a couple of times. She has expressed an interest in visiting me here. I want to have her here. When we're out of lockdown, I have a cousin who has started a job in my town who I would love to have over. He's the only geographically-close family member I have. I want to have some of my friends from the regular groups over. I want to open the door when someone knocks without fearing it's the landlord or dying inside of shame and fear because it's anyone else.
Another aspect not helping with the house, or my functioning, mood or wellbeing in general, is a poor sleep schedule. Another "permission given" during burnout has turned into a pervasive habit that I'm finding difficult to break. I'm forfeiting at least half of the available daylight hours each day, missing out on important things and events, feeling like a zombie, feeling like a failure and I'm letting myself and others down and mentally beating myself up over it.
I've tried coming at the house and the sleep from a few different angles over the last few months, with not much joy. I'm going to try a thread in Listzilla to see if I can get some traction and make progress over the next few days. I'll be posting in here, and hanging out in www.chatzy.com/SooS and www.chatzy.com/WELCOME-HOME challenging chat rooms. Thanks for reading, and maybe I'll see you there 
Morningstar 
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