belannadax
New Member
Joined: August 2021
Posts: 8
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Post by belannadax on Mar 31, 2023 7:53:12 GMT -5
Not so much an intro as a rant, but here goes:
I have made several efforts over the years to make my home liveable.
I have chronic back pain, ADHD, and C-PTSD - much of which is from abusive punishment for being forgetful and messy -- you know, typical untreated ADHD stuff.
My kids are big kids now. I have a tween and an older elementary schooler. My husband is, obviously, a full grown-a$$ man.
All these years I have struggled to clean and educate, educate and clean. When my kids were younger, I was careful to not put unrealistic expectations on them. I even tried to accommodate their neurodivergent brains -- hey, I get it. Cleaning is not very stimulating. Audiobooks help me; maybe they'll help you.
They do some tasks sometimes, and that's nice.
The person I married, though. Ugh.
Too many times I have struggled to clean the kitchen, end up having muscle spasms in my back, have to lie down, and by the time I can get up and walk around, all the hard work I've done has been undone. And worse.
So I quit.
Oh, I finally got a job for the first time in a long time.
That has been helpful for my mental well-being.
At work, when I tidy my cubicle, It Stays Tidy!
The work I do at work -- Stays Done!
After years of having nothing to define myself except "homemaker" and feeling like an absolute failure at it every single day, I finally get to feel like I'm good at something.
I told my husband and kids I am on strike from housework.
I do all my showering at the gym. I go to other places and use the restroom.
I am sick of being the only one in my house who makes an attempt to clean the bathroom, and I clean up after myself, but whenever I want to shower I feel like I have to clean up after 3 people first.
And one of them is a full, grown-a$$ adult.
I eat frozen TV dinners and sandwiches and fruit. Anything to not use any dishes or do any cooking.
I have not used an actual dish or utensil in months. Yet the dishes keep piling up.
What are they waiting for?
Every time my husband washes 4 plates and a spoon, he announced, "Well, at least I got one load of dishes done!"
(We have a dishwasher. It's broken just like a bunch other stuff. I'll be damned if I have anyone over to fix stuff. Not that we can afford it, because DH's answer to "what am I gonna eat since Mom refuses to cook in a filthy kitchen" is to order from Door dash every night -- for himself. That's another story.)
Anyway, I do the bare minimum to function.
I take the laundry to the laundromat and make sure everyone has clean clothes, towels, and bed linens.
I buy disposable plates and utensils and food that doesn't require cooking.
So nobody's starving. Nobody's stuck wearing dirty clothes. I cannot stand to be in the bathroom but somehow the other 3 are managing to not smell like the Great Unwashed -- but I'll stick to the gym showers that don't make me gag, thanks.
I know this cannot go on indefinitely.
But what I was doing before? Working myself to exhaustion and injury only to make literally no difference because I was the only one making an effort to clean up after 4 people?
That couldn't go on either.
Oh, and we've got those *** roaches.
I have explained multiple times all the stuff that makes those yucky bugs feel welcome, and how important it is to NOT do those things -- and nobody -- NOT EVEN THE OTHER FULL GROWN-A$$ ADULT IN THE HOUSE-- cares enough to change their habits.
I'm exhausted. I'm beyond exhausted. I'm trying to get another job so I can just never be home. And also so I can move out.
Maybe at this point, with all I've learned about how my brain works and the skills I've developed to function with home care tasks, I think I have a shot at keeping a non-squalid living space. Not perfect, but decent. If I didn't have 3 whole other people to clean up after.
I'm sofa king done.
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Post by joyinvirginia on Mar 31, 2023 8:51:55 GMT -5
Welcome belanadax! Ranting is fine here! This is a good place to rant, share your challenges, and when you are ready, to get some suggestions about next steps. Sounds like work is your sanctuary, good for you for finding that! Keeping up with laundry is a challenge, glad you have found a solution that is working. And paper plates, disposable utensils are always great when dishwashing is a challenge. Welcome, and hope to hear more from you
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Post by redheaderin on Mar 31, 2023 12:03:16 GMT -5
Welcome! I have been EXACTLY where you are. I believe a grown adult's failure to clean behind himself and have a decent living space is a form of mental illness. Refusing to help maintain your common living space, when you have made it clear how the squalor is detrimental to your mental and physical health, is a form of mental abuse. He could do better, but refuses to. The kids are just following his lead (probably) and might grow up exactly like him.
My solution was to run away. I literally left home and moved into a camper. I am happy now, and free. Now I have my DD to cope with, but that is another story. I just recently laid out a hard line about not tolerating abuse in my home, and I mean it.
Good luck. I hope we hear from you again.
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Post by Arid on Mar 31, 2023 13:53:15 GMT -5
Hi, belannadax!
I'm glad that you have "found" us!!
I have to disagree with you about one thing, though . . .
I don't consider a tween and an older elementary age child to be "big kids." Yes; they can "potty" themselves; they can feed themselves, but there still is *SO MUCH* that they need to be taught.
I grew up learning how to cook; that was *fun,* and I loved it!
But when it came to other things, not so much . . .
However, when I got to be about 10 years old, my mother "took me in hand," so to speak.
She said, "TODAY, you are going to learn how to sew on a button!"
She said, "TODAY, you are going to learn how to iron."
"TODAY," etc., etc. etc.,
I knew that whenever she used *that* tone with me, there was no escaping the lesson!
And while I didn't particularly "appreciate" those lessons at the time, by the time that I got to college, I could see that I was *WAY* ahead of many of my contemporaries when it came to having "life skills."
You would be doing your children a BIG favor if you would do the same. You can't just say, "Go clean your room." What child knows what that means? (OK, OK; the OCD ones could put us all to shame, no doubt, but most children are clueless!) Teach them to put things away, make the bed, sweep the floor, etc. If they choose NOT to do those things as an adult; well, that is on them at that point.
Your children need you to teach them these things, and more importantly, they need to know that you CARE about them and that you LOVE them. From what you have described, I am concerned that they might be feeling *emotionally* abandoned by you--left to "get by" as best they can with a negligent, self-absorbed father.
I can understand *why* you have chosen to live the way that you are currently. *SELF-PRESERVATION IS A MUST!!* You almost literally are "putting on your own oxygen-mask first." I hope, though, that you will be able to teach your children how to put on their own as well.
If you do get to the point where you can move out, do you plan to take your children with you?
I hope that I haven't come across as sounding "harsh;" that certainly isn't my intention. You need all the support that we can give you, and if anybody has a right and a need to "vent," it is you!
Arid
P.S. In reading your post for the third time, I have come to understand that you *have* been trying to teach your children better habits; it's just all been falling "on deaf ears." However, I would encourage you not to give up on them! A.
P.P.S. To her credit, my mother also took the time to teach me how to do embroidery--just for fun!
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belannadax
New Member
Joined: August 2021
Posts: 8
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Post by belannadax on Mar 31, 2023 14:29:38 GMT -5
Hi, belannadax! I'm glad that you have "found" us!! I have to disagree with you about one thing, though . . . I don't consider a tween and an older elementary age child to be "big kids." Yes; they can "potty" themselves; they can feed themselves, but there still is *SO MUCH* that they need to be taught. I grew up learning how to cook; that was *fun,* and I loved it! But when it came to other things, not so much . . . However, when I got to be about 10 years old, my mother "took me in hand," so to speak. She said, "TODAY, you are going to learn how to sew on a button!" She said, "TODAY, you are going to learn how to iron." "TODAY," etc., etc. etc., I knew that whenever she used *that* tone with me, there was no escaping the lesson! And while I didn't particularly "appreciate" those lessons at the time, by the time that I got to college, I could see that I was *WAY* ahead of many of my contemporaries when it came to having "life skills." You would be doing your children a BIG favor if you would do the same. You can't just say, "Go clean your room." What child knows what that means? (OK, OK; the OCD ones could put us all to shame, no doubt, but most children are clueless!) Teach them to put things away, make the bed, sweep the floor, etc. If they choose NOT to do those things as an adult; well, that is on them at that point. Your children need you to teach them these things, and more importantly, they need to know that you CARE about them and that you LOVE them. From what you have described, I am concerned that they might be feeling *emotionally* abandoned by you--left to "get by" as best they can with a negligent, self-absorbed father. I can understand *why* you have chosen to live the way that you are currently. *SELF-PRESERVATION IS A MUST!!* You almost literally are "putting on your own oxygen-mask first." I hope, though, that you will be able to teach your children how to put on their own as well. If you do get to the point where you can move out, do you plan to take your children with you? I hope that I haven't come across as sounding "harsh;" that certainly isn't my intention. You need all the support that we can give you, and if anybody has a right and a need to "vent," it is you! Arid P.S. In reading your post for the third time, I have come to understand that you *have* been trying to teach your children better habits; it's just all been falling "on deaf ears." However, I would encourage you not to give up on them! A. P.P.S. To her credit, my mother also took the time to teach me how to do embroidery--just for fun! I hear your concern and I understand where you're coming from. I had super high expectations placed on me as a child and I have tried to spare my children that. I'll never forget how dumbfounded I was in 4th grade when I realized my classmates' mothers were doing their laundry for them! And cleaning some of their rooms! I had been doing the family's laundry since I was six, taking turns with my brother. And of course, my room was absolutely my responsibility alone. If I didn't put my clothes away properly or iron them, I just went to school looking wrinkled and raggedy. Oh well, I had no one to blame but myself. I felt like a failure next to my classmates who always came to school looking well-put together -- not a hair out of place, no wrinkled clothes, matching socks, their white clothes stayed white after several washes, etc. I had thought they had been doing that all on their own, as 1st graders, 2nd graders, and so on. Because that's what had been expected of me at home. Since I was 6. So no, I don't expect adult level functionality from my kids. I just want them to wipe down the table after they eat. Wash their own dishes and clean off the countertops if they make themselves a meal/snack. Or, since we've gone all disposables, throw away the packaging from their frozen dinners or whatnot. Put their dirty clothes in the hamper so when I haul a week's worth of laundry for 4 people to the laundromat, their clothes get washed too and they're not looking lost on Sunday afternoon trying to find what they're going to wear for the upcoming week in school. I try to set 5 minute challenges where they gather whatever trash they can from a certain room and throw it into the trash can. You are exactly right about the self-preservation/ oxygen mask thing. That is where I am right now. I am slowly warming up to trying to engage my children again in some home care tasks. I just really needed to mentally check out for a while. I have lately been asking one specific thing per day per kid. Like, please take this very full trash bag out to the dumpster and put a new trash bag in, for example. Whew. I'm talking a LOT. I've just felt so alone for so long. Thanks for tolerating all the blab. |
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Post by Arid on Mar 31, 2023 20:09:04 GMT -5
Thank you for taking my post with such good grace, belannadax!
It sounds like you have perfectly reasonable expectations for your children's contributions. I'm so sorry that you had such unreasonable ones put on you when you were only **six!** (Gee whiz; at least, my mother waited until I was *ten* years old before she began "putting the hammer down" with me about housekeeping skills.)
You don't need to feel alone anymore! There are lots of us "here" for you. "Blab" all you want; it's your thread.
Arid
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Post by itsybitsy on Apr 1, 2023 2:39:13 GMT -5
You are not alone! It sounds like you've made some personal improvements, with work (this is a strong positive for you!) and setting healthy boundaries so that you can get up and do it all over again the next day.
The bathroom situation sounds bad. You need to help make that better for your young child and tween. For their health. Whether that is by your instruction or your doing, they should not be left to navigate and initiate this on their own. They can still learn and help out with their youth and strong bodies as their strengths.
The family can come together and be better. You can be the good example, even with a no-help partner that is (from your description) worsening the situation rather than helping. Baby steps. It didn't get to where you described overnight and it won't be resolved in a short while, either. What is the least that you, your kids can do? Do that for one day. Let tomorrow come and decide if it can be done (and perhaps one step more) or not.
Welcome!
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Post by gillian on Apr 6, 2023 9:36:54 GMT -5
Welcome to the group, Belanadax. Thank you for sharing your journey and your experiences along the way. Good for you finding a way to deal with household chores that helps you.
Gillian
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 6, 2023 17:59:20 GMT -5
WElcome, belannadax - we are so glad you found us! Is there any way you can make learning various tasks fun for your kids? Stickers do wonders! (ADHD/PTSD here too.) You CAN teach your kids to help - by having the benefit of knowing what is was like to not be understood by your own mom. This will be a gift to them and it will take time, since the only way to start is by being a good example, then inviting them in. A sticker calendar maybe? Put them on for yourself and let them see how fun it might be? Just one idea, you know we adhd people are full of idea! 
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Post by def6 on Apr 13, 2023 7:50:56 GMT -5
Great to meet you belannadax and I must say I feel your pain!!  Virtual hugs for the physical pain and fatigue and also for the emotional. I commend you for rescuing yourself. I had to do the same in my life for self preservation. It is freedom when you realize you- can- choose!! I have found freedom by doing a quick kitchen reset while the coffee is making in the morning. After that what ever else gets done, you can believe it takes 5 minutes and it is a task of my choosing. Hip Hip Hooray! |
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Post by mynicehome on Apr 13, 2023 22:40:38 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum @bellanadax! I hope things are improving with the family dynamics and that your "respite" is bearing the kind of fruit you hope it will! Good luck! |
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belannadax
New Member
Joined: August 2021
Posts: 8
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Post by belannadax on Apr 30, 2023 10:24:40 GMT -5
Great News! My respite has helped immensely.
In fact, just before I started typing this, my son dashed into my room and asked me to set a 15 minute timer -- because he's going to tidy/clean for 15 minutes, then take a 5 minute break.
I got some things I needed during my break(down):
-I got to do meaningful work at an actual job that pays money
-I got to find out who I am besides Carrier of All Family Burdens and Family Maid
-I got to recharge with time for myself at the gym
-I unloaded the self-loathing that came with feeling like an absolute failure at life because my house was dirty. I think I was finally able to internalize the message that a clean or dirty house is amoral, or however Domestic Blisters worded it. Having some significant time away from that space helped me detach my self worth from it.
-I set clear boundaries around my sleep. The other parent stays up late just chilling out, so I've taught him and the kids that if they need anything after I've gone to bed, even if I'm not asleep yet -- find him and "bother" him. I had to talk to him about being snappy with the kids when they interrupt his Very Important TV & Late Night Snack Time. So I've actually been getting some sleep.
Anyway,
Both my kids have phones. No actual phone service; they use them as mini tablets. The primary purpose is for them to listen to audiobooks.
Of course, there are also apps and games. I have set parental controls.
I've been experimenting with some household chores management apps.
Today I actually had the physical, mental, and emotional energy to supervise/train/assist my kids in getting some tasks done.
I told the other spouse about the system and so far, he does not appear to be resistant to doing his share of work to bring this house away from chaos-terror-land, one manageable task at a time.
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Post by goldenthreads on Apr 30, 2023 10:40:03 GMT -5
What a great update! You have jolted your family out of their ruts. This is amazing.
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belannadax
New Member
Joined: August 2021
Posts: 8
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Post by belannadax on Apr 30, 2023 12:51:52 GMT -5
I just ordered color coded dishes!
That's what I call them, anyway.
A dish set for 4 in 4 different colors.
Plate, bowl, cup, utensils w/case.
Each family member gets an assigned color, which should be simple because 3 of the colors are 3 family members' favorite colors.
I'm getting rid of all the other dishes and utensils.
(Meaning I'll pack them up and store them in the car trunk or something)
Everybody will be responsible for washing -- and restricted to only using -- his or her own dishes.
This should be fun.
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Post by def6 on May 1, 2023 8:00:53 GMT -5
So glad you are kicking butt belannadax I choose to do the same today.  |
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