mothra
New Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 23
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Post by mothra on Jun 2, 2008 21:22:33 GMT -5
Hi, wonderful people,
So I guess we really do get attached to things that another person might toss without giving it a second thought ...
I found myself dissolving in tears about a half hour ago, and would love to know
--if anyone reading this has had the same sort of experience;
--if anyone has hints about how to keep going on with the positive work even when you get thrown off by a stong emotional response ...
Here's the story:
I had just finished a successful round of dusting cobwebs off the ceiling, when I noticed that on top of one of my shelving units was a large vase of dead and dried-out flowers that has been sitting there for about 7 years. My church sent it to me back in 2001, when my father died, and I kept it there until it withered and dried out, but I never got rid of it.
Until just now. I figured it was time, after so many years without Dad, and I figured it would be easier than throwing away a merely wilted bouquet, since the flowers were completely dessicated after seven years, and there would be nothing gross to clean out at the bottom of the vase. I took down the arrangement and put all the dead flowers in a trash bag (it was a huge bouquet; it filled the whole bag).
But I guess objects can be more powerful triggers for emotions than I realized, because I found myself crying the whole time I did it, and I cried the whole time I washed out the vase and put it under the sink.
It will live there until someone gives me a bouquet on a happier occasion (it's been known to happen).
If you have a similar experience to share, or thoughts about how to cope with this sort of thing, or even just a virtual Kleenex to throw my way, I'd be grateful.
Thanks a million!
Mothra
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cutiepie
New Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 7
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Post by cutiepie on Jun 2, 2008 21:47:38 GMT -5
I know it hurts, but letting go of physical reminders of lost loved ones doesn't mean you'l ever, ever forget them.
I've been clearing out a lot of old stuff, much of which reminds me of my ex-husband, who I REALLY hate (I know it's a strong word, but it really fits when it comes to him). I don't so much mourn the ending of our marriage, but the loss of all the hopes I had for the future with him.
Keep clearing...your heart will soon feel light and free...but, always hold your Dad in your heart.
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Post by roseoftexas on Jun 2, 2008 21:53:31 GMT -5
If you have a similar experience to share, or thoughts about how to cope with this sort of thing, or even just a virtual Kleenex to throw my way, I'd be grateful.
Thanks a million!
Mothra  I think your response was perfectly normal in lieu of the circumstances. Take care.
Love,
Rose
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Post by glowworm on Jun 3, 2008 5:39:38 GMT -5
That was not just "stuff." That was something that had a lot of emotion attached to it. And no, you're not alone. I gave away a stack of books last month. It was very very hard because the books belonged to a close relative who had passed away years ago.
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Post by paperpiler on Jun 3, 2008 8:47:18 GMT -5
As one who has lost a parent (2002), I understand the reasons behind the tears when you threw the flowers out. But a thought occurred to me...
Rather than put the vase under the sink until someone gives you a bouquet on a happier occasion (and you know, you can always give YOURSELF flowers as a gift from someone who loves you!)--since it's spring now, why not purchase fresh flowers and give that vase of flowers a new place of honor in your home in HONOR of your father? Rebirth, renewal, rejoicing that he lived and still lives on in your heart.
If it would make you happier than sadder, you might want to even place of picture of him beside it, as a memoriam.
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Post by hopefulnic on Jun 3, 2008 8:49:41 GMT -5
Mothra,
I agree, we do get attached to so many things most would easily toss out. I too have a vase of dead flowers sitting on the top shelf of my computer desk. They are flowers my daughter and I picked from the arrangements that were placed on my Grandmother's gravesite when she passed away. I have just not been able to let them go and it has been years now.
hopefulnic
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Post by heylady1 on Jun 3, 2008 15:22:59 GMT -5
I don't care how many years pass, when you lose a parent, spouse or child, the pain is always there. You may learn to live with it, and go on but it's still there. My mom has been gone almost 4 years now and I still find myself crying from something that reminds me of her.  You're not alone. A big hug for you if I had a kleenex smilie I'd give you one of those too!! |
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Post by sunshineshouse on Jun 3, 2008 15:42:49 GMT -5
I also have kept flowers til they were dusty and cobwebby. Probably the oldest ones I had were 20 years old. Twenty years doesn't do much for flowers. Being as I have a hoarding problem, I just could not throw them out (okay, I could, but I would not be able to rest until I retrieved them out of the trash). Now, what I do with spent flowers is take them outside and put them in the flowerbed where a couple of pets are buried. It just feels right. to you for being so brave. |
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MessyGirl
New Member
Soon to be 'recovered' Messy Girl? =)
Joined: June 2008
Posts: 9
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Post by MessyGirl on Jun 4, 2008 1:42:37 GMT -5
You weren't really crying over tossing the flowers, you were crying because of the symbolism... Maybe hanging on to the flowers felt a little like hanging on to your Dad's memory? But, it's a good thing to let go, you did good. Maybe to replace those flowers, you could start a scrapbook in his memory. Combine photos and any momentos, little things that remind you of your Dad.
I lost my Dad back in 1996. I know how it hurts.
*Hugs*
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Post by rexroth on Jun 4, 2008 10:39:20 GMT -5
When in the 1930ties my father got his first job he spent his first wages on a sewing machine for his sister, my Aunt. When she died a few years ago I brought the machine home and it sat in the corner in my bedsit. I could not part with it. It was also in beautiful condition as my Aunt had looked after it for all of her life. I checked and despite its condition it had no real value. Eventually I gave it to a charity which ships manual sewing machines to Africa where they are still in use. My Aunt was an active member of the Kirk, Church of Scotland, for all of her life and had an interest in Africa. She helped to look after the David Livingstone Memorial in Scotland which was at the end of the road where she was born. The machine was collected by two church people who were very sensitive. One of them asked me how I felt about parting with the machine and I said I was sad but felt I was fulfilling my Aunt's wishes. I do feel sad writing this and also glad that the machine is somewhere being used by someone to earn a living rather than sitting in the corner of my room gathering dust.
Rexroth
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rhall
New Member
Joined: June 2008
Posts: 18
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Post by rhall on Jun 5, 2008 11:44:07 GMT -5
Mothra, memories are attached to our possessions. It's not foolish or abnormal. I've heard people mention crying over memories triggered by reminders of a person who's been dead 20 years. Don't give yourself a hard time about it.
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Post by fluffychild on Jun 7, 2008 10:22:32 GMT -5
I lost my mother in 2001 and lost my husband in 2002. I have yet to go through and get rid of most of their things. I have a black bag of clothes from my mother in the kitchen. They will never fit me. I did give my husbands new jeans to a neighbor and some white tee shirts and I gave my boss his new dress shoes and new dress slacks. I was left with items in three houses, and I don't really have time to go through them like I should. I am still working 40 hours a week. I still have the dried flowers from my husband and my mother. Yes, I do cry often when I look at their items but crying is healing. As for cobwebs, I always say it adds a little bit of character to a room. All the houses are really cluttered. I just try to bring in less than what I take out. Then on New Year's Eve, my godmother passed away and I brought 17 carloads of items home. That did not help my situation at all. Your feelings are normal - cry if you want - that is your right.
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Post by canna on Jun 7, 2008 13:00:50 GMT -5
My father passed away in May of 2001. There were a lot of flower arrangements at the funeral, and my sisters and I took them. They of course dried out, and there were so many. Discarding them made me cry oh yes. But I kept some of the dried petals and placed them in a small glass bowl. It's a mix of the dried petals and some dried heather. That bowl is on the shelving unit in my frontroom with a very nice picture of my father taken a few years before he passed away. I miss him.
My dad was a WWII vet and he was always proud of his service. There was a 6-rifle salute at my dad's funeral gravesite, done by the wonderful group at the VFW. The captain gave us the spent cartridges from the rifle salute, and I also have those in a little cutglass box. My sister has the beautiful folded American flag in tricorner frame
We cannot keep all things, even though we'd like to. Small rememberances are nice to have.
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Post by messysue on Jun 7, 2008 21:20:20 GMT -5
You cried because you were reminded of the pain you felt when your father passed.
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