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Post by spatiallychallengd on Jun 13, 2008 13:15:08 GMT -5
and I live in squalor.  This is not new. To be honest, it has gotten worse lately, at least physically. But I think I have more reasons to be optimistic about it changing. I was always messy. I never really knew how to clean my room, if that makes any sense. I was able to contain the mess to my room growing up and my part of the room in the dorm and when I studied abroad I didn't have much stuff and I did clean my room pretty often so it was decent then. Then when I got my own apartment with a friend, the apartment got messy. Nothing horrible, but not neat. Part of the problem was that year I got really sick so I sort of stopped cleaning completely. And my room just got really messy. And it all got so overwhelming. I had a chronic illness (I ended up with narcolepsy and fibromyalgia and a nerve issue) on top of my learning disabilities and Asperger's. That year I was able to see an organizational coach through my university. That really helped. She taught me how to clean my room! And we worked on time management. I learned how to break things down into step by step lists. But I never quite got things completely clean. I would get mostly there, but still have a large box of stuff, or just one corner of the room and never enough time to finish. That one area would always creep up on me and grow. Then I would squash it down unless I was really busy or having a hard time health wise and then things were messier. Meanwhile my roomates and myself were doing a better job at keeping the apartment clean until we had a super messy person move in-- we made chore charts-- everything! It was a nightmare. But after that semester she moved out. And then I got married and moved in with my husband. That was a problem, mess wise. He promised he would clean up before I moved in. He didn't. He had had a roomate who had moved out a couple months before I moved in and we started doing renovations on the upstairs of the house-- this made the second story uninhabitable. But we had the whole first story-- 2 bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room, kitchen, and dining room. Plenty of space, one would thing. The vast majority of my stuff went into the garage in boxes. I started to clean. I had taken that first year of marriage off for the most part-- I worked limited hours from home and took one graduate course a semester. And I worked on cleaning. It took me months just to get the kitchen organized. But I did-- all the cabinets and shelves, etc. I organized the entertainment center. I got the living room looking presentable. I cleared off the dining room table. My husband could barely walk in his office-- but I wasn't going to touch that. The problem was that despite promises to keep things clean and put stuff away, not three days after clearing off the entertainment center, it would be messy again. Same with the living room and dining room. My husband always had excuses, but they were just excuses. So several months later I got the living room and dining room all neat again-- a big job especially since this time I was in graduate school full time. Again, it quickly became messy. The renovation upstairs is something we are still working on, two years later. Everything is mostly done but the bathroom. We aren't making progress since we aren't working on it. I offer to go do something on it or help my husband if he wants to work with me-- he does most of the stuff there since he has the know how but he lacks the motivation. The house overwhelms him. So he just says no and he doesn't want me to work on it by myself. Since this fall I have been on strike, cleaning wise. I told my husband I would work on organizing and cleaning again only when he did it with me and he showed me that he was serious about keeping it clean and in it for the long term, otherwise I didn't see what I was doing stuff that was so difficult for me for. It is really difficult for me to organize rooms. It takes me at least three times as long as other people because of my learning disability and its really hard work. So I get angry when it just gets messed up right away. We made up chore lists back then that we agreed on but he didn't do his chores. Thats when I went on strike. I haven't been cleaning. Now the house looks worse than it ever has. I'm afraid to even try and cook in the kitchen unless it is for a microwave meal. I can barely walk in the living room. But I think my husband is starting to get the idea. He recently purchased some tubs for sorting and purging. He talked to me about how he wanted to work with me on that stuff-- normally he just talks about he wants me to do that stuff-- I say no way--he has to do it, 50/50. And today he actually started to read Organizing from the Inside Out. On his own-- he went and got it off the bookshelf. I have handed him that book and asked him to read it before. Nope. Another thing I've done is make us up daily schedules that include a certain amount of time spent cleaning. We both agreed on them. We are going to try it my way for a couple of months and see if that works to get us on the right path here-- we can't keep living like this. If that doesn't work then we need housekeeping or marriage counseling or both. Part of the problem is my husband gets depressed-- he has bipolar depression and anxiety. He tends to feel overwhelmed very easily and wants to lie in bed all day. He also has little internal motivation at those times and he has ADHD-- he gets distracted easily. A few months ago I found him a new psychiatrist and that has really helped-- right now he still doesn't want to go to counseling-- so I am not pushing that, but I think it would help. Sometimes I get frustrated with him. Overall he is a great guy and I love him to bits. I wish he were more proactive about his health and home though. This week we are supposed to be sticking to the schedule, but I have been in bed with a ear and sinus infection, so he hasn't been sticking to it. When I mention it he whines about feeling overwhelmed. I say to do something small like a load of dishes, but he says he doesn't feel like it and I don't have the energy to coach him through it. In truth I just pretend he is a kid sometimes and that helps me find patience for him. I've been working on a plan for a more organized house overall-- like where to put the paper shredder, etc. I am hoping that once we get into the habit of discipline and cleaning it will come easier and when we get to see the progress we are making the satisfaction of that will also help carry us through some-- I try to give myself and him motivators. Things like, Think about being able to have people over. You can host poker! More room for the Wii! We can play with dog inside now when its hot outside! No more lost stuff! Well that is it... |
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Post by pegasus48 on Jun 13, 2008 13:56:56 GMT -5
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Post by crazycatlady on Jun 20, 2008 22:40:32 GMT -5
Hello....I am spatially challenged, too! Welcome to the forum. I hope that you find as much help in this group of friends as I have over the past few years! What a difference some support and advice can make!
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Post by messymimi on Jun 24, 2008 20:41:56 GMT -5
You have my sympathy, spatiallychallenged. My Bigger Girl, age 15, was diagnosed as ADHD, dyslexia, Ausperger autism with visual and speech problems. Got her neurodevelopmental therapy, and danged if she didn't turn out to be born organized like her grandpa! Her room is the cleanest in the house, and she keeps working on the rest, with me tagging behind. So there is hope for all of us.
Glad you are here.
messymimi
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Post by houseworkhater on Jun 28, 2008 1:04:15 GMT -5
welcome, sc, i have a hubby just like yours and together, we are dangerous. if you figure out how to motivate him (mine doesn't even see the mess), let me know!
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cjcjcj
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 1 
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Post by cjcjcj on Jul 1, 2008 0:45:35 GMT -5
I am a newbie but oldie in the hoarding habit. Spacially challenged is my middle name. My H is organized but depressed so I am in charge which I resent. I have 3 kids in grad school and a 92 year old mom to care for. I want to work or study and it seems like punishment to rid my home of piles and stuff.hen I crave distraction and the outdoors.
I am ADD and Mild OCD at age 61 this is my first diagnosis. Both parents were savers. Leftovers became a meal, scraps a quilt, etc. and this is how I think. I am trying to complete tasks now that I am working w/ a therapist but get frustrated as I have a 2 car garage filled w/ boxes since 5 moves in 2 years, 9 years ago (traumatic) and my mom's stuff in storage after single handedly moving her apt that she was in for 20 years. I am eager to hang on to your successes.
Today I took a pile to the shredders. And a bag to a resale shop. To my surprise the shredding went well and my prized possessions were not current enough for the resale shop to accept. This was a good lesson in let it go or donate and not waste more time. I have limited patience for doing this but am eager to stop paying storage for mom's stuff some of which was my beloved dad's and grandparents. It's all intertwined w/ being a hippie, being green. money. waste, landfill, perfectionism and self esteem. Thanks.
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Post by crazycatlady on Jul 3, 2008 20:12:08 GMT -5
Welcome, CJ x 3! Sounds like you have made a good start! Great job on getting a pile of shredding and a bag of other stuff out! Woo hoo!
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Post by Platypus on Jul 13, 2008 9:37:30 GMT -5
Welcome to the community. I wonder with hubby, as you say he doesn't see it (and I can vouch for that, I didn't see it either for a long time) is to take some photographs and show him. then take some after photos when something gets cleaned. It is amazing the difference that shows up. In photos you really "see' it. When you look at the mess in real life, your brain just blanks the stuff it sees all the time, like background noise. The photo shows it all. He may be quite shocked. I know I was.
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