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Post by clutterfree on Jul 17, 2009 13:30:28 GMT -5
What I'm taking away from that message is that he wants to talk about it--he desperately wants to have a discussion and fix things. And that he stressed that he loved you several times.
From where I'm sitting, there seem to be a lot of positive things about that note.
I know it must be discouraging to come now, when you're making real progress, but maybe that's part of it. Change, even good change, upsets things. It scares people, even when they don't realize it, and all sorts of things can result.
Express that frustration and be as honest as you can.
Good luck! I hope it all works out. He certainly writes as if he really wants it to.
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Post by valor on Jul 17, 2009 14:46:57 GMT -5
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Jul 17, 2009 17:32:46 GMT -5
He loves you so much! Look at how hard he was trying to reassure you that he loves you. It was most important for him to make sure that you understood that, and that he isn't going anywhere.
That's all that really matters right now, that he loves you and he wants to work on things with you.
He is really special, and your relationship is really special. You guys are lucky to have things like this out in the open, cause now that means that you can work together and solve the issues, from BOTH sides.
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Post by chakraverte on Jul 17, 2009 20:22:57 GMT -5
Holy cow. Thank you everyone for your insight. I'm still chewing on all of this -- but I took some time today just just enjoy the day. A friend stayed over last night, and we had some girl time. I managed to get a few things done today, and I'm going to get more done tomorrow. Words can not express how happy I am that I found the boards just a week or two ago. I can't tell you how much better your posts have made me feel. I'm not alone. I'm really not. And you all get it -- and can give me the insight that is so hard to hear. (Charis and Paperpiler) Thank you...and here are other responses to things you all said... Fivecat – I think you are right. I teach, and have been on vacation for the past few weeks, and we’ve been tripping on each other in our small apartment. He’s started grad classes and is totally underfoot I think the weekend apart is doing us well. @simple gifts – you are an absolute gem. Thank you! I’ve so far watched Bride Wars, made myself sangria, and took two laundry bags to the Laundromat and one to the cleaners. I’m digging myself out. Thanks for the vote of confidence! disarray – I know right! It toally makes sense – and yet its still a little hurtful. I get needing space – but WE GO TO COUPLES therapy to talk about it, and he’s always like “no, its ok, it bothers me a little but its ok” OBVIOUSLY its not ok if he needs to just up and book out. kiz – I get it. I’m the one who usually wants space and time away, and he usually feels hurt by it. But I at least ask, in person, in advance, and let him know. I understand it – but it still hurts. Peach – the boundaries thing makes sense for me. I realize that in my parent’s home, I had to clutter to eek out any kind of space. I’ve always done that ever since. I tend to need to take up “space” to make sure that there is room for me. He on the other hand, is usually overly accommodating – to where he doesn’t think about what he needs until he is completely overwhelmed and frustrated. We have separate rooms. With beds and all. I apparently take up too much space when I sleep, so most nights we sleep separately. We’ll snuggle up in the morning or at night, but eventually we separate. (I am often very restless, so I need to get up and do other things.) It’s a un conventional, but it works for us – usually. Mystic Pegasus – my photos are posted in the photos section. My room is a disaster, but I try to keep that from the common areas. I had faltered for a bit, but…it’s not insurmountable!. @yearning4 order – Thank you so much for your support. We have a couples counselor. We will be scheduling extra time with him this week. Oy. I appreciate your kindness! paperpiler – OMG that is so something that I would say, to someone else. And while part of me just wants to be angry – I do get it. I just…its just hard work, you know. charis – “We need to understand that someone who cannot bear to live in such disorder can be the same way---we cannot just demand that the person deal with it. That would be the same as someone saying to us "Why don't you just clean it up?" I never thought of it that way. Thank you. @shabby chic – it was “my” apartment first. It was bigger, it was newer, and it was better for both of our commutes. The plan was to live here for a year, and then find “our” apartment. Then, he lost his job. Finding apartments in NYC sucks unlike anything else. Transplants for anywhere else usually agree that the nyc apt market is just not like anything else at. He got laid off right before everything crashed – and he’s a freaking lawyer! You know the economy has bombed when 15 lawyers you know suddenly lose their jobs and there is no work around. So, we’re staying here. Can’t afford to move – at least not until either he gets a job, or I pay down debt. It does affect us, but I had very little furniture – so he had room for almost all of his things. We repainted. We redecorated. I’ve point blank asked him about it, and have always gotten the same “no, babe, everything’s fine” routine. clutterfree, blackswan, and valor -- I was so busy being angry I really couldn't see the I love yous in there. Thanks for making me not forget that.
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Jul 18, 2009 8:39:16 GMT -5
thinking of you chakravert. this is such a tricky situation, and i am definitey not one to be able to give you any great suggestions. however i thought it may help you to give a brief run down on my situation.
hubby leaves tomorrow for interstate business trip for 5 days upon his return if house isn't up to his standards, which it won't be, ... he will be calling in outside help and forcing me into "hospital".
i agreed to this 8 days ago, but have lost most of this last week due to a death within the family of one of my closest friends.
we all have limits and boundaries. and as charis says it's not fair that we force our limits on others. i get this and i feel bad, but i am what i am. it is what it is.
your man appears to be trying very hard to make his point, in a reasonably controlled manner. you need to decide what direction you want your future to take.
i wish you much luck.
chez x
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Post by Bizzy on Jul 19, 2009 5:18:05 GMT -5
something I have found is that my BF of 11 years- who lives across the street from me- and we like it that way- is not good at talking to me about what it bothering him. But he can write it down and it is usually very clear. Often times I would have never guessed what was on his mind and was glad he was able to tell me even if it seemed cryptic and not at all the heartfelt way I would have liked him to tell me. ( he is an engineer- suprise!)Your BF put a lot of thought into what he wrote and frankly I would be deciphering it- taking it apart and trying to figure out what he meant because it came out of nowhere. But he wrote to you and he made it very clear that he loves you, wants to stay with you and wants to work things out so that it will work. Lots of men can't express the way they feel without being jerks and he does'nt sound like a jerk. Just like he needs to clarify some things that are really important to him. When I respond to Rods emails in person- I get emotional and don't always say what I want to say. But when I write it down- we seem to be able to get on with things that might have broken us up if we were both just shouting at each other or hoping that we both understood each other in an eomtional conversation. I am pretty greagarious and talky= but I really need privacy and certain things to be a certain way or I will wind up getting pissy and making mountains out of molehills. I know this about myself. I didn't always. I thought we had to be together on everything. I hate sleeping in the same bed with him because he farts and snores and steals the covers. So sometimes I will go out to the couch. After the tarzan and jane and/ or cuddling.If that is what we do that night. He doesn't get upset anymore because I need to read and wiggle a lot before I go to sleep- and I keep getting up and down to do whatever before I finally settle down- and it keeps him awake. And also because I want to kill him when he snores. When he finally gets into deep sleep - he lets up on the snoring. He wants his coffee in the morning by himself while he checks his puter. I wan't my coffee in bed while I clear the cobwebs in my head. So he brings me my coffee-when he makes his and we let each other do what we need to do- knowing it is the loving thing for US. We don't have to do everything together. This was a long time figuring out- that it didn't mean we didnt want or love each other - but that we needed different things and that we could figure out how we each get our needs met without feeling like we had to want the same things to be together. We are very unorthodox. I am finding that a lot of happy couples are unorthodox in the way they do things. Why be normal? Do what works for you both. And I agree that you should putter happily and do what you feel is important for you. Don't do anything out of guilt but work on some things that you feel might bridge the gap- And you might do some thinking about what you need too.
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Post by chakraverte on Jul 26, 2009 3:36:53 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone who read and sent kind thoughts. We are working through! He just needed some space -- and it did bring us together. I'm back to cleaning for me - not NOT cleaning out of anger, or cleaning out of guilt. Again, thank you to everyone. I hope you all can be as lucky as I am in finding someone who can love AND communicate...and give space to heal the cluttery-overwhelmedness that is sometimes me.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Jul 26, 2009 13:33:32 GMT -5
Wonderful! This could be a transformational experience for both of you.
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Post by rubyred on Jul 27, 2009 12:13:28 GMT -5
hubby leaves tomorrow for interstate business trip for 5 days upon his return if house isn't up to his standards, which it won't be, ... he will be calling in outside help and forcing me into "hospital". I don't think I've seen the background on this situation, or if it's even been posted. Why would he force you into a hospital? Does he not live in the house, too? If he does, he's as responsible for hte mess as you are. Even if you stay home and he works, you are not solely responsible for the state of the house. My dad blamed my mom all those years for our house being in squalor, but now that I'm an adult, I wonder why he did nothing about it himself.
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Post by breakingfree on Jul 27, 2009 12:54:52 GMT -5
hubby leaves tomorrow for interstate business trip for 5 days upon his return if house isn't up to his standards, which it won't be, ... he will be calling in outside help and forcing me into "hospital". I don't think I've seen the background on this situation, or if it's even been posted. Why would he force you into a hospital? Does he not live in the house, too? If he does, he's as responsible for hte mess as you are. Even if you stay home and he works, you are not solely responsible for the state of the house. My dad blamed my mom all those years for our house being in squalor, but now that I'm an adult, I wonder why he did nothing about it himself. I don't know the details of this situation either, but I respectfully (no, no, no, NOT disrespectfully--I am so sorry!) disagree with your view. My mother is a hoarder. She cannot be reasoned with about her stuff. My father, brothers, and I have offered to help her clean and heaven help anyone who does anything with her "things" while she is gone. So, depending on the situation, the man may not be as responsible for the mess. My poor father is guilty of nothing except loving my mother and staying with her all of these years, although I fear that soon he will leave her since all of us kids are grown now. He has defended her to his relatives to the point that they just stayed away. We had no extended family. Holidays were pitiful. I know as a squaloree that one cannot make another person change, and one will not change unless he is ready. BF
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Post by def6 on Jul 27, 2009 19:06:16 GMT -5
Show some self- respect-Dump Him!
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Post by Meme on Jul 28, 2009 1:36:29 GMT -5
there are a lot of men that I know who have tried to help but sadly they do not do it right--.
I have heard this statement from so many woman-- the ladies want it done their way- which is why some men do say the heck with helping....... there is more than one way of doing something right and sometimes we, as woman need to step a side and allow some one to help us with out complaining -
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