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Post by luckyducky on Apr 26, 2010 23:55:30 GMT -5
I began decluttering a couple of months ago. I was very passionate about it and worked hard each day. But no matter how hard I worked, my slovenly family came behind me and thrashed my work. Now, I find myself stuck in my bedroom, unable to use any other room in the house because of the mess they have made. It truly looks like one big garbage can. I have begged for their help, but they have made it clear that they will not help and they dont care if I do not like the mess. Apparently I am the only one bothered by the mess, so it is my problem. I have decided that all I can do is try to keep my room tidy (well the room I am using because they have put all of their crap in my bedroom like it was a storage room). The strangest thing has happened. Now they all spend all of their time in my new room. They eat in there and leave their garbage behind. They leave trash and clothes all over. I ask them to go into other rooms, but they wont. Everyday when I come home they are in that room. I just feel like giving up.
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611 
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Post by MiSC on Apr 27, 2010 7:05:32 GMT -5
How old are these people?
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Post by lizzie on Apr 27, 2010 7:09:16 GMT -5
Hello Luckyducky, this sounds very frustrating for you. Please don't give up, it was an enormous thing for you to have successfully removed yourself and your sons from an unsafe relationship in the past, and it is absolutely commonplace for your children to behave badly. Of course, that does not mean it is okay for them to go on behaving badly! As they get older, it can be very hard to change young teenagers' behaviour, especially young boys. Do you have any support from relatives/friends/church etc? Are there any male mentors, who can act as role models for your sons and show them, over the years ahead, how to become decent adult men? Are there any friends whose fathers participate in cooking and cleaning etc that your sons hang out with? As young teenagers, they are now at a stage where they are figuring out how men behave, how they treat women, what masculine behaviour is etc. Here in Australia, there is often discussion about the lack of men in teaching now, and that loss of male role models outside of the family. Sometimes schools have camping activities, programs etc which are designed specifically for teenage boys to teach them how to look after themselves, be part of a team etc. Do you have a counsellor you can talk to? Did you have any help in the past from any counsellors or advisors when you were leaving your marriage? If so, they may be able to assist you now with some strategies and support in strategies for teenagers. Please don't feel you have to discuss or answer or disclose anything in response to my questions, I am just raising a few ideas here as you are having a hard time at the moment.
In a previous post you mentioned that one son liked to clean the carpet. Is there a carpet in your new room? If so, start cleaning it and see if he will take over as he has done before. Tell us if he does!
Do you have any women's community centres nearby that run courses in assertiveness, managing teenagers, setting rules for kids etc? They can be a lot of fun, and it is always good to know you are not alone. You have done a lot over the last couple of months in decluttering and cleaning, which is a credit to you - so hang in there, keep posting, some change happens quickly and some happens slowly, but you have made a good beginning! Best wishes and encouraging vibes, Lizzie
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Apr 27, 2010 7:13:37 GMT -5
Hi LuckyDucky!  First of all, I'm not surprised your family is now coming into your room--it's the only clean and orderly one in the house! Everyone likes things to be clean and orderly, even if we have a difficult time--for reasons physical, mental, or emotional--achieving that in our own homes. I don't know your family, so I have no idea why they won't help you, but I applaud your efforts to make things better in spite of them.  Is there anyway you could put a lock on your door? That would keep the rest of your family out of your room and permit you to keep that space clean, no matter what the rest of the house looks like. Again, keep trying and don't give up, at least in your room if nowhere else. But please look into a lock for your door. Meanwhile, we're here for you.   |
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Apr 27, 2010 7:23:31 GMT -5
Luckyducky, I didn't mean to come off as sarcastic, and I think that post sounded like I did. I was just wondering the ages because it would mean a different plan of attack if you were dealing with children rather than teenagers. Also, I didn't know there was no man in the picture, so I was wondering if there was another adult in the house.
lizzie clearly knows the back story, so I'll shut up and see how the thread unfolds.
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Post by dtesposito on Apr 27, 2010 7:45:06 GMT -5
I second the lock idea. You DESERVE a room that you feel good in! Maybe now that they know how good a clean room feels they will create their own if you don't let them back in yours.
Diane
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Post by lizzie on Apr 27, 2010 7:54:27 GMT -5
Hi Misc, I just looked at Lucky's previous posts. After being here a while I realised I could click on my own name and see my last few posts and then click on them and follow up on what had been said next, then one day I realised I could click on someone else's name and see THEIR last few posts, which is great for following up on someone's story and accomplishments etc. We have so many members now that it can be hard to keep up with particular topics/people, so this has been really handy!
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Apr 27, 2010 8:36:55 GMT -5
Hi Lizzie!  Thank you for providing the back story on LuckyDucky. I, like MiSC, was very unclear on the people involved in her current living situation. Most of us who have been on the board for a while know how to look at another member's older postings; the problem is a lot of us simply don't have the time to go back and do additional research concerning postings that may be unclear. That's why you'll often see postings where people will repeat information they've given previously on other threads--they know everyone may not have had the chance to read their other postings and therefore will not be familiar with their story and/or problems. That's why it's so important to include as much information as possible when looking for suggestions or advice, even though you may feel as if you're repeating yourself. So many posts go up on this board each day, it's almost impossible for people with jobs, families, school work, etc., to keep up with all of them. (Well, I know it's almost impossible for me.  ) Anyway, thank you again for filling in the blanks. It made providing suggestions much easier.  |
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hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815
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Post by hopehope on Apr 28, 2010 0:51:03 GMT -5
I third that notion. I was thinking at first, just a hook and eye latch, so as not to be too offensive.
but that won't work, as they go in when you're not home.
for sure, a lock.
and an explanation handy for when they freak out and talk to you about it.
stick to your guns. stick to them stick to them stick to them. no matter what.
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