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Post by serenitynow on Apr 30, 2010 22:50:26 GMT -5
I was going to mention this in my depression post but I think it deserves its own thread.
My therapist (as well as others) has commented on my penchant for living in the past. That is certainly true. I have a nearly photographic memory which, coupled with complex PTSD, allows me to relive everything so intensely that it's like being hit with a Mack truck over and over throughout the day. And often in nightmares.
Unfortunately, my past has been about abuse, broken dreams, overwhelming loss, betrayals from family and friends, and just plain day to day survival. So numerous times a day, a flashback occurs and I am, once again, back there in the midst of it. It's like being slammed and the more I try to "let go", the more it digs in.
Today is the 31st anniversary of my mother's death. Dad died in my arms 3 years before her. Both had cancer and I stayed at home as primary caretaker for 5 years total between them.
It's like it just happened..all over again.
For years (literally), I couldn't cry. In my youth, having been beaten with a strap for very minor offenses-if that- and beaten harder if I cried, I learned to be stoic. To be there for everyone. "I" didn't exist. I still grapple with that. I still feel like I don't exist, like I don't count most of the time. But I hide it well..most of the time.
Which brings me to the clutter/chronic disorganization part. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to find the obvious parallels between letting go of the past and letting go of clutter. Yes there's sentimentality involved and always the pain of major losses in the mix.
It's more than that, however. My things seem to take on a "life" of their own. Vivid memories encase them. Even the most insignificant ones have a history attached to them (when, where, who, guilt provoking, unfinished business, belonging to someone dear to me that's gone,etc.)
Of course I know that these inanimate objects are invested with *my* thoughts only. I know that I over-think and analyze . I surround myself with things to distract as well as to prop up my "non-existent" self to a standing position. I continue the past betrayals by betraying myself- through self sabotage. Because I DON"T want to live like this. But like the poor hamster running in circles, I can't seem to get off the wheel. I..can't..seem..to ..be ..capable..of.. doing..the obvious.
Intellectually I know all of this. There's a disconnect with feelings. So my out of control environment is a relief valve.
I'm not writing for sympathy. I would just like your opinions on clutter as it pertains to bringing up vivid memories associated with your past. Is anyone else trapped in their mind like this? Where even doing the simplest things are rife with emotional sentries employing weapons of mass fatigue?
serenitynow
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Apr 30, 2010 23:47:53 GMT -5
I'm not sure if I can answer any of the questions you asked except one: Do possessions bring up vivid memories of the past for me? The answer in my case is a resounding "yes." I learned from the earliest age to equate possessions with memories, even memories I didn't have. My father died when I was very young and I have no memories of him at all. So my relationship with my dad has been totally formed thru the possessions he left behind--his work shoes, his hunting rifle, a photograph of him as a young boy with his dog. Once his possessions became infused with so much meaning, it was easy to begin to give other things just as much meaning, if not more, because I actually had memories associated with those objects. This is the biggest battle for me--teaching myself that letting go of the possession does not mean letting go of the memory. I still suffer actual physical pain when parting with certain items as I slowly de-clutter because I feel as if I'm somehow giving up or betraying a memory. I've started to keep a notebook about the good memories inspired by certain items so I know that even though I'm giving the item itself away, I'll still have the record of the memory. I can't say that it's a perfect solution, but it does seem to be helping me. The other thing that helps are the two quotes (you know me and my quotes  ) that I've written on the front of my "memory" notebook. Whenever I am truly conflicted about holding on to an item that I intellectually know I should let go, I read these quotes and think about them for a while; after that, it's usually easier to release the object in question. Here are the quotes that have helped me: "I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past." – Thomas Jefferson"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present." – Ian GlidewellI'm trying my best to tell myself each and every day that the clutter from my past, both physical and emotional, takes away the chances of achieving the dreams I have for the future. Some days it's easy to hear it and let things go; others, not so much. But I know I'll be much happier once my home and my life are in better order.  I hope you feel better soon, Serenity (and your namesake kitty says "Hi"  ) |
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hopehope
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Post by hopehope on Apr 30, 2010 23:59:38 GMT -5
'emotional sentries employing weapons of mass fatigue?'
wow. I don't know what else you can do, but you sure as hell can write.
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Post by success19 on May 1, 2010 1:44:52 GMT -5
You know I have a similar harsh discipline thing "belting" from childhood - and it sucks - probably their parents did it too? It sure messed up my emotional brain development. Makes me sit here and think why am I holding on to anything from the past. Like yearbooks - I love to learn but school was mostly time for me to be bullied - I never fit in. I too have the flashbacks. Tonight at work my boss flew into a rage and said something - I tried to just stay calm and not explain that she had it all wrong again - just said "yes mamm" and realized she yelled at me cause SHE screwed up. Then I have spent way too much time on genealogy because I love research - but I think I want some kind of understanding of my family and why we are the way we are - and really I am not going to find that out from dates and such- unless I find some details. Anyway I am rambling - but this is the living in the NOW thing I had a thread about the other day. I still have stuff that I don't even know why I have it - and I don't know why I got it in the first place. Plus its not like I am King Tut and they are going to put it all in a pyramid with me for scientists to find in 1000 years or something. I am in my fifties and it is time to have a life - fun - adventure - so time for the junk to go.
Everyone has said wonderful things here too.
Serenity I am sorry for the loss of your parents.
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Post by _Linda_ on May 1, 2010 8:10:24 GMT -5
Dear Serenity I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your parents. It is never an easy thing to deal with, no matter how long it has been. I still find myself thinking that I need to call mine and tell them something. Then it slaps me in the face that I can't. But, being my father's daughter, I remember that life goes on with or without us. I can relate so well to what you tell here- the harsh punishment, withdrawing into yourself to protect yourself, feeling that you didn't exist, and caring for your parents during their last days. Mine wasn't a happy childhood, but now I am trying to focus on my parents did the best that they could. I am lucky that the memories of the "belt" have subsided. But, the emotional scars remain. I was always being told that I "was a birth control baby." I never felt wanted, so I withdrew into my shell. After my parents starting getting ill, I felt that I had to make up for the stress and hardship my existence brought upon them. I quit living my life so that I could care for them. It was a long, hard and lonely 20 years. After my father died, I was lost. My mother had died 4 years before. I had no one to care for, no one to make amends to for being born. My father passed away 3 years ago. I still have things from their house that I was to send to various family members. I could not bring myself to do it. I let the house go about 5 years ago. I just could not handle caring for my father while working full time, so the house never got cleaned. Now that I am starting to go through things, I am getting the feeling of being punched in the stomach every time I find something that I had forgotten about. I cannot stand the idea that I might be throwing away things that belonged to my parents. I feel that it is disrespectful. I know all too well the feeling of "not being able to do the obvious." But, there comes a time that your current situation is worse than reliving the past. No matter how hard it is, all you can do is take it slowly and allow yourself the time to grief over the more sentimental stuff. Some days you will not be able to do a thing, others you might be able to decide what to do with lots of things. Don't be too hard on yourself for getting rid of some things that just are not useful in your life as it is now or will be in the future. All you can do is to take baby steps throughout this process. I, for one, am cheering you on and am hoping that you find the peace that you so desperately need and deserve. |
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Post by dtesposito on May 1, 2010 9:23:14 GMT -5
This is another timely thread for me--I've been doing well throwing old things away but this week I came across my stash of British music newspapers from the 1980s. I was shocked and kind of disappointed in myself that I couldn't just throw them away. I know they're not worth any money, it's strictly sentimental value. I also found a little necklace of the logo of a non-profit organization I used to work for 20 years ago--I was never crazy about this logo then, and now they've changed it to something more contemporary--but I still couldn't throw it away.
In thinking about these items, there are two things that come to mind--one is that part of my saving things really relates to being able to provide things to others if they want them later. My thought about the magazines was that if there are other people who enjoyed them as much as I did back then, they would like to see them. The second thing of course, is that they bring back the feelings of the time during which I read them. When I was a teenager I hated the music that my peers were listening to--it was one way I felt different from other people. When the British alternative music started coming here in the late 70s and 80s, I loved it, and it represented something different and exciting--I finally had music that I related to, and I met people who thought like me. All of this comes back when I look through these magazines--of course it's hard to let them go. The necklace was from a time I was working in a job I felt really good about, I was doing something good for the world and I felt successful and competent.
What should I take away from this? That if I want to feel excited, in touch with other people, successful and competent, I need to find ways to do so today. It doesn't mean I have to duplicate those exact experiences, but it's possible to find these things if I make the effort. This is up to me, I shouldn't have to page through old magazines in order to feel good.
I know what I should do with the music magazines and papers--pick out a few that have people that I especially liked, and that are representative, and throw the rest away (or do a Freecycle thing and give them to someone). I'm hoping that if I keep looking at the pile and thinking about everything I've been learning the last few years I'll eventually be able to do it. I can still have memories with 4 magazines instead of 200.
As far as mementos from my parents, I've somehow managed to keep them to a manageable numbers. Photographs, a few kitchen items (which I still use) from my mother and some army memorabilia from my dad. I had what I consider a great childhood, and feel so thankful that I didn't experience the abuse and hardships that some of you have. My parents have been dead for a long time now so although looking at their photos is still a little bittersweet, I'm at a point where thinking about them makes me feel good rather than heartbroken. I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if I had had a bad childhood, I think I would not want any reminders of my parents around if that were the case--but of course, I don't know that. Maybe those of you who keep the reminders of your bad childhoods are keeping them as reminders of the strength you had to have to live through them.
I like the idea of a memory notebook, if you combine that with taking a photo of an object you're getting rid of, you can still bring up the memories that you treasure at any time.
Diane
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Post by _Linda_ on May 1, 2010 13:26:14 GMT -5
Diane
It has taken me a long time to accept that my parents did the best that they could for me. Yes, by today's standards, I was abused. But it was more accepted to use what ever means necessary to keep kids in line when I was growing up. All that I can do is to forgive my family for any wrongs that they have done to me and hope that they can do the same for me.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on May 1, 2010 16:29:17 GMT -5
Serentynow, I understand about keeping stuff to hold onto the past. I've used it to hold onto the future, too. Those have been some of the most difficult projects for me.
Perhaps you could experiment: choose an object that's neither too dear nor too insignificant, and ask yourself what would happen if you discarded it?
Do you really WANT to distance your mind from some of your awful past? Sometimes I hold onto memories more tightly than I should, out of a desire to avoid making the same mistake again. Can you try letting go of something that reminds you of a situation that logically, cannot repeat itself (for example, my ex-boyfriend is dead, so I can't possibly go back to him)?
I also have a hard time discarding stuff from when I was optimistically making plans for my near future (losing weight, redecorating, making friends, etc.) If I didn't realize my dream, I want to hold onto the stuff until I do.
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Post by CrimsonKat on May 1, 2010 22:56:30 GMT -5
'emotional sentries employing weapons of mass fatigue?' wow. I don't know what else you can do, but you sure as hell can write. i agree. that is an amazing line. |
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