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Post by justplucky on May 21, 2010 17:49:08 GMT -5
I am trying to get rid of a lot of things, because I know that's the only way I'll climb/keep out of squalor. I am encountering some issues doing so and would love to hear what strategies you all use to do so with minimal trauma. I also have found some things that have helped me declutter which I'll share.
I tried to do one of FlyLady's 27-fling boogies but nearly freaked out. Decided I wasn't going to do it again. I've had more success reducing my collections by percentage. My makeup collection for example. I literally had a small suitcase full of makeup (some of it very expensive). I sorted through it, telling myself I could keep the top 50% of makeup. Somehow the prioritizing helped me let go of the bottom 50%. I'll probably have to sort through it again a couple of times before it's at a manageable level, but it was a lot less traumatic than just saying "I'm going to get rid of a bunch of my makeup." I am going to try and do this with my video game collection soon. I also did it with my makeup sample collection. I told myself I could keep five samples and it was easier to let go of the rest.
Another problem I have is that I associate a lot of my possessions with certain dreams I've had in the past (and some I still have). For example, I wanted to learn to play the drums, so I got drumsticks and books on playing the drums. I haven't practiced or studied or used them for over two years, but I still have trouble letting them go. I have knitting things, but I haven't knitted in ages. I have books on starting a freelance writing business but am studying to become a civil engineer. How do I separate the possessions from my dreams?
I also have items I've loved in the past but I can no longer use (mostly clothes, because I've gained weight). I have some band t-shirts from some great times. I don't have a good memory, so a lot of these things are touchstones for me. How can I get around this?
The last big issue I have that I can think of right now is the "but I spent $xx.xx on this, I have to use it/can't get rid of it/might need to sell it if I need grocery $$$." Intellectually I realize this is part of the sunk-cost fallacy and that I have good credit and can always buy something again if I really need it or that my friends or family would buy me groceries if I really needed it. Emotionally I don't comprehend it.
Thank you all for giving me the opportunity to dump this all out here.
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Post by downandout on May 21, 2010 18:02:28 GMT -5
i wish i could give you the magic answer but im in the same boat as you are. just wanted to let you know you arent alone! i do believe however that the more you make decisions about your stuff the more you practice getting rid of it the easier it becomes. not that i have much experience with that!  |
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Post by dtesposito on May 21, 2010 18:19:05 GMT -5
I've gotten, way, way better at letting things go over the last few years, and I've found that for some people it's a process that just takes time. That doesn't mean you can't start right now, it means that you may have to read and re-read some of the "truths" that you probably logically accept, but have trouble with emotionally. You've already mentioned some of them--like "if I end up truly needing something I can always buy it again later".
It sounds like you are on the right track, two of the things you are doing are things that worked for me. One, is, gather all of your "like" things together, so you can see every one of the group of items you have. So, when you see your entire makeup collection sitting in one place at one time, you can see that you can get rid of certain items because you have many of them, or others that are better. When everything is scattered all over your house, and you pick up one item to get rid of, it's harder because you don't know if you have another one of those and feel you need to keep it. The other thing I'm finding very helpful, is to go through things multiple times. When I find a box of things I saved and haven't seen for a while, I may go through and get rid of 10 percent. But, as I continue cleaning, and making progress, and realizing that things have to go, I might take that box out again in 2 weeks and look through it again. At that point, I might get rid of 10 more percent, or more, etc.
One very practical thing is to look at your storage space and think about what you really have room for. Unless you are VERY close to definitely buying a much larger house, you have to think in terms of what you value most, and that is what you keep.
Be prepared for some uncomfortable feelings. (I have a stack of music magazines I haven't been able to let go of, and they are sitting in my dining room, and every time I look at them I get a bad feeling. But, I'm hoping that one of these days I will be able to let them go.)
One thing that people do is take photos of items that have sentimental value--they take up a lot less space. Another good idea here was to make a memory journal, take a photo of the item, put it in the journal along with your memories--then let the item go.
The key is to keep trying. Keep reading the posts here, if you find things that sound good to you write them down and keep them handy--read them over and over again until they start to sink in. It may not be a quick process, but don't give up--change sometimes comes slowly, but it's worth the work!
Diane
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Post by messymimi on May 21, 2010 20:51:02 GMT -5
Dear Plucky,
I have posted this before, but I will repost and it might help, and can't hurt.
You are doing the world no good when you keep this much stuff. You are not "saving the world" from more stuff going in a landfill by turning your home into a personal dump. You are just creating and extension of the landfill that you have to live in, and you deserve to live in better. We all do.
Questions to ask when sorting stuff:
Do I love it?
Does it make me smile?
Does it bring sad memories?
If I do diet down into this size again, will it still be in style?
Could I get another if I really needed it?
Does it make me feel guilty for not using it when I look at it?
What is the worst that could happen if I got rid of it?
Can it be used as is, or would I have to repair it in some way?
If it needs repair, how likely am I to actually do it?
Is it keeping me stuck in the past?
Does it reflect who I am now, or who I used to be?
The 5 W questions
"Why would I need it?"
"Where would I need it?"
"What would I need it for?"
"Who would ask me for it?"
"When would I need it, and is it worth keeping that long?"
(please note that "someday" is a long time from now)
Would I be willing to pay a mover to haul it across the country?
Are there tax and/or legal ramifications to it?
If something has been in storage a long time and you haven't missed it, that is also a good sign that you don't really need it.
Every item you keep costs you. It is like your house note/rent/taxes/utilities/etc. applies to the stuff you keep as well as to yourself. You are paying "rent" to give it room in your house. Is it worth the rent?
Every item you don't need chokes you. It chokes out who you can grow to be. It sucks the life out of you. It weighs down your mind, because you have to take care of it and give it room in your house and your brain.
Advice for clothes:
If you haven't slept in it, sung in it, eaten in it, gone out in it, worn it to religious services, worked in it, lounged in it, or just plain worn it in a year or more, out it goes!
If it does not fit you right now, out it goes! If you do lose weight, it will be out of style and you will deserve new stuff anyway (only applies if you have weight you want to lose, if you don't please excuse and ignore).
If it is something you bought that you later decided you didn't like because it was not really you, out it goes! It is not going to become more your style later, and you've already spent the money on it, don't waste any more money giving it storage space that should go to clothes you do wear.
If it was your style back then, but isn't now, out it goes!
If it is not quite the right color, out it goes!
If it doesn't go with anything else, out it goes!
If it needs repair, out it goes! Unless you love being a seamstress, and will get to it within the next week.
If it does not make you feel fabulous when you wear it, out it goes! (Does not apply to one set of grungy clothes kept for painting or other messy work.)
If it does not bring a big smile to your face, out it goes!
Keep only what you love, and what brings you joy to wear. Everything else can go find a new home.
Also:
Do you trust that if you needed another, God would be able to provide it for you? Trust this one out to someone who needs it now, and you will get another if you need it later.
If you continually give, you will continually have, because you will make room in your life for the new.
It is taking up space in your life that you need for living right now. You can't live the future right now, live the today, trust God for the tomorrow.
I want to make room in my life for my life. Especially for my life right now. Not my life as I wish it was. Not my life as it might be in the future. My life right now.
Donate stuff to a thrift/goodwill type store, and let them store the stuff for you. If you get lonely for it, you can always go visit it, and the 3 others they have on the shelves.
I don't know if any of my rambles help, but go as slowly as you need to, just don't stop trying.
messymimi
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Post by mrsmess on May 21, 2010 20:51:38 GMT -5
I can definitely relate to a lot of what you have said. I have a huge stash of art supplies I am not currently using. I have always had a dream to be an artist, although in reality I spend more time doing scrapbooking, which is creative but is not actually the kind of art I dream of having on gallery walls! In my case I definitely intend to start using my art supplies more as my kids get older and I have time, so I have made a decision to hold onto my stuff. If you seriously think you may do some freelance writing one day, it probably is wise to keep your books. After all, you can be an engineer AND do freelance writing. With the knitting, do you think you are likely to knit again? If so, once again it would be wise to keep at least the needles to save having to buy them again. If you have piles of old wool, it may be better to give that away, for one thing it takes up a lot of room, and another is that wool fashions change over time, so by the time you do any more knitting you may want to start afresh. I would guess that drumsticks and books on drums do not take up a lot of space, so it is unreasonable to hold onto those? If you had drums I would guess they would take up a fair bit of space, however you haven't mentioned actually having the drums. Perhaps just put the sticks and books in a storage container...label it as 'drum gear'...put under the house or wherever is a good spot, and if you still haven't used them in another two years time, then think about ditching them! With the makeup, it sounds like you have already made some progress, deciding to keep five samples. With the clothes...try dealing with one kind of item at a time. Lay all your clothes of one kind (eg trousers or jumpers) out on the bed or a table or wherever and look long and hard at them, and eliminate the ones that don't fit or you don't really like/wear. Doing one kind of item at a time is helpful because it makes you realise if you have too many of one thing. When it comes to band t shirts, try to pick out a few faves, photograph the rest and get rid of the rest...otherwise just store them in the same way as the drumsticks, or with the drumsticks! I also often struggle with being stuck in the "but I spend $x.xx" on it. I think part of it is that even though my family is middle class income right now, I grew up pretty broke, and we've always had financial struggles...so I have had a little bit of trouble parting with the STUFF that I've worked hard to get, plus that fear of going without stuff and not being able to replace it if hard times hit. However I have had to recently try to force myself to shake off that fear and just throw these items to the wind, and although it isn't easy, as I get older I am realising more and more that they are just things, and I don't need so many things to make me happy. I need food and clothing and shelter and love, and I have all those, so making my space less cluttered is what I need to work on. Someone recently shared their perspective that has really helped me release possessions back to the world without feeling anxious. His analogy is the way a sailboat uses wind. We are all little sailboats and our journey over the water is analogous to our life. A sailboat requires wind to travel and our lives require money and possessions in order to move forward. But just as a sailboat doesn't own the wind that moves it, so we do not own our money or our possessions in the long run because our lives all have expiration dates. Once our possessions have served their purpose in our lives we need to release them once again so that they can fill the sail of someone else's boat.  |
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Post by success19 on May 21, 2010 23:14:09 GMT -5
Yes the money thing - I actually think it is a survival mechanism in our brain telling us not to get rid of stuff - and I have no idea why some people have this worse than others.
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Post by dtesposito on May 21, 2010 23:22:56 GMT -5
The money thing. I worked steadily my entire life--never made a big salary, but enough to have my home and take care of my animals. During all of this time I had that "what if I need this in the future and am not able to buy it again" mentality.
Now that I'm finally decluttering, I've been unemployed (or I should say, vastly underemployed--very part time) for 1-1/2 years now! So now that I have become more comfortable mentally with letting things go, I genuinely DO have the concern that I may not be able to replace things!
And, now that my apartment is becoming more "normal" looking, I would be comfortable letting repair people in to fix things that have been broken for a long time--some plumbing issues, some electrical, and some cosmetic--but now I can't afford it!
Ironic, eh?
Diane
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Post by success19 on May 21, 2010 23:27:23 GMT -5
Seems like the money thing and job thing is a real issue for many of us - brings on a feeling of lack perhaps = that we can't let go of stuff. Like I said something in our brains is stopping us.
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Post by justplucky on May 22, 2010 0:05:00 GMT -5
Thank you all for your kind and helpful responses. I love the sailboat analogy mrsmess.
"I want to make room in my life for my life. Especially for my life right now. Not my life as I wish it was. Not my life as it might be in the future. My life right now." --- this is so powerful. Since I spent a lot of my life unhappy, I am very used to living in the future (which was always happy in my mind). The future never comes as I imagine it though. You know, the present isn't that bad either. I have a nice boyfriend, great friends, and am pursuing a career I think will enjoy.
I've fortunately never been without materially. I am very blessed in that regard. I did feel deprived of attention and love a lot as a child (my mom has a lot of issues, and she was my primary caregiver). She did buy me things though. The happiest times were when we were shopping or eating out (no wonder I have issues with both hoarding and food :/ ). Of course, possessions are poor replacements for love, acceptance, or security. Since I'm used to conveying these needs onto possessions, it's hard to switch over to people (who have been more fickle in my experience).
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Post by razy on May 22, 2010 0:07:22 GMT -5
I find it easier to get rid of things if I do it in stages. I bag up stuff for the charity shop and let it sit for a couple of weeks. In that time I can retrieve something if I change my mind, which I haven't done yet.
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missmaggie
New Member
Joined: March 2009
Posts: 46
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Post by missmaggie on May 22, 2010 0:33:25 GMT -5
Messymimi that is an amazing post. I am cleared out for the most part but will use this to go through my closet yet one more time. GREAT advice. Thank you.
Maggie
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Post by lizzie on May 22, 2010 4:00:59 GMT -5
Hi there, about 5 years ago I gave away ALL of my knitting needles (about 100) and a large bag of wool, being totally over it... a couple of months ago I saw a pattern for a knitted/felted cat basket ( Kitty Pi will get you there if you google it). I bought the required circular needle for $3.50, picked up a set of 4 double pointed needles for $1 at a garage sale, and bought one ball of cheap wool for $2.50. I asked several friends if they had any tail ends of balls of wool. Many people do have left over wool! I then had enough to knot the Kitty Pi, which I enjoyed, and felted it reasonably successfully. My cat condescended to put his head on it once, sat on it once, and lay near it once. I did enjoy making it. But now I am going to give the needles to a local charity shop (I used all the wool). I doubt I will want to knit anything else for a few years! What this showed me is that a) they haven't stopped making wool, or needles b) if I had been more patient I could even have BORROWED some needles c) it cost me $7 for the enjoyment of making the Kitty Pi d) my cat already has plenty of nice things to sleep on,  , and HE didn't need anything more! |
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Post by dtesposito on May 22, 2010 8:15:34 GMT -5
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Post by success19 on May 22, 2010 14:50:29 GMT -5
Stuff can hold us back from change.
Stuff can prevent us from allowing people into our lives.
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Post by mellowyellow on May 22, 2010 15:28:44 GMT -5
If I have to let it go.. I often don't.
But if I can pass it on, or give it away to someone who will need it, like it, love it, use it... it seems easier.
It's just a minor twist, but thinking of it that way might help for some people.
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