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Post by actingoutagain on Jun 3, 2010 17:45:28 GMT -5
Long time since last post, things haven't really changed. Oh I did break my leg two weeks ago. Been working on and off with an organizer, mostly off due to finances.
I'm in a panic right now, my wayward brother came to my house to pick up a disability check because he doesn't have a permanent address. He is a street person. He evidently has come by two days in a row and I didn't get to the front door in time due to my leg. So, he calls the police (not for my welfare, but to make sure he gets his check, we don't like each other, you may have noticed). They came in because my front door didn't catch totally the last time I went our to get the mail (man, when things go wrong, they really go wrong).
Of course they were appalled - there is dog poop on the floor. I asked them directly if they were going to call the health department, they said they probably should. I told them I was working with an organizer. They said you have to really clean this up, I said my broken leg cast causes me to lose my balance when I bend over. They should have known. They asked to go outside (wonder why?) and I lost my balance and landed on the floor. They had to help me up.......and no I don't drink.
Anyway, panic, panic, panic....the ultimate terror, discovery. Holding back wall of tears. I'm going to try and clean up the dog poop tonight but my doctor was adamant that I stay off the leg to avoid further damage and surgery. But I guess I have no choice.
Do you think they will call the Health Department, are they legally mandated to do it? Other than my therapist, I have no one. Besides being an alcoholic, my brother is mentally ill so I don't want him around me even if he offered, and he won't.
Is there anything I can do? If the Health Department comes, will they take away my dogs? Can I refuse to let them in (probably not).
So glad this board is here, even though I'm a taker and not a giver. Can't help others when I can't help myself. Anyway, thanks for listening and any suggestions you can give me.
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Post by StuffNoMore on Jun 3, 2010 17:57:39 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're going through this ordeal. If you live close to me I'd be happy to go over and help you clean.
Hugs
SNM
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Post by Script on Jun 3, 2010 19:25:18 GMT -5
Dear friend: I don't know the rules, but if you DON"T have kids in the house, you are much less at risk of a health dept visit: that much I know.
Do you have ANYONE to call for help? A local church? A home-care service? Even a cleaning lady?
You know that many of us have worked even with disabilities: sitting down, using grabby-poles, whatever.
Know that we are cheering you on.
luv from Script
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Jun 3, 2010 21:45:33 GMT -5
What area do you live in? Maybe somebody here could come help.
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Post by success19 on Jun 4, 2010 1:18:23 GMT -5
Possibly they may call - however - you do have a broken leg in a cast - so I will believe they would be understanding. And I think you are kind to let your brother use your address for his mail. If circumstances were different he could help you - but you know the situation and he won't be helping you it seems. Be kind to yourself and it will all turn out okay.
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Post by slothzilla on Jun 4, 2010 7:10:51 GMT -5
I think that they would have given you a citation if they were going to call the health dept. (but I would try to find a way to clean things up as soon as possible anyway...maybe hire a maid for a day?). The cop probably just considered it a warning, and has most likely already forgotten about it, since no kids are living with you. Good luck!
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Post by serenitynow on Jun 4, 2010 7:29:06 GMT -5
Hello aoa  I know many people (present company included  ) who are much better at helping others than themselves. Just posting is helping more than you know. I think you'll be ok with the police right now. I think events seem to have transpired to push you into a better place. Wish there were some way you could compassionately break off with your brother.The relationship is not healthy for you and what you are providing for him can be done elsewhere I'm sure. What about other people without family for mailing addresses? serenitynow |
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Post by anonymoose on Jun 4, 2010 9:54:11 GMT -5
Hi hon,
I am really sorry for what you're going through. Not sure what area you're in, but I've been through something very similar, with dogs in the house and mess on the floor and the police coming in the house. It's been my experience that, if they're going to pursue those kinds of actions, they will call someone that day and not just leave. DON'T BE SURPRISED IF SOMEONE CONTACTS YOU TO FOLLOW UP - but it's probably not going to be as bad as you're thinking it might. Where I am, animal control is part of the health department and they're the ones who get called out - that's something that happens right away in case you go batty and the animal control people need help from the cops to remove the animals. If they called anyone while they were out there, they probably would have stayed until whatever organization they called showed up.
Do you have a chair with wheels, like an office chair or something? I cleaned up most of my kitchen mess sitting in one spot in the middle of the room and rotating around with a deck broom, a shovel, and a handled dustpan. Still not easy, but easier on a bum leg (and better than falling over again)
Also, does your brother have a case worker? I don't know exactly how it works, but my sister's husband's brother is in a similar situation. He's mentally ill, as well. When he became a problem - showing up in the middle of the night, getting violent when he thought he should have money / another check / etc there, they were able to contact his case worker and get the administration of his money turned over to someone else outside the family.
If the health department or anyone else comes out, BE COOPERATIVE. Maybe even mousy. They'll take any assertiveness as aggression. If you can express contrition, acknowledge that you're having a problem, prove you're in therapy and working with an organizer, it'll probably be alright - it's just going to be a matter of jumping through their hoops.
I'm going to PM you my phone number if you want to talk.
::hugs::
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Post by Chris on Jun 4, 2010 15:11:25 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
Is is possible to get him a postal box so that you don't have to deal with these kinds of things in the future? I don't mean to sound uncaring -- just that I think it's stressful on you and him. Maybe there is a special provision or price or help that could be gotten since he is homeless?
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Post by success19 on Jun 4, 2010 15:59:04 GMT -5
I think the US PO requires a residental address to get a PO Box. There are independent companies but they are pricy. Maybe the police were more concerned about your safety around your brother than your mess.
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Post by actingoutagain on Jun 6, 2010 16:28:13 GMT -5
Thanks so much for all the wonderful replies. Cleaned up living room, dining room, and bedroom which were the problem rooms (not everything, but only the most aggregous . Went very slow but paid for it with leg pain that night. It's ironic that fear of discovery is about the only thing that can move me to clean. I called my therapist who I haven't seen in 6 weeks and she says we have to do something now. Said she would take my dogs, nobody was going to take them away. She even offered to come over and help me but I told her I couldn't let her see it, too ashamed. Can't tell you how much her and your offers to literally come over and help me meant to me.
My brother has been in so many "programs", he's 61, no change. Certain he suffers from brain damage due to his addictions. Sounds terrible but I don't really feel anything for him except fear anymore. Told him if his check comes to my house again, will return to PO with "doesn't live here" on it.
One thing I wanted to make clear is that my dogs are all healthy, well fed and clean; in fact, gave Izzy, a mini schnauzer, a bath just a couple of days ago. Have three, and the last one adopted me, and he's the last. Wish I could adopt myself, would definitely get better treatment.
Maybe, this event was my "hitting bottom" and the thought of it happening again, has awakened some burned out energy. Going to try and clean up some kitchen stuff today. Know that by posting here more often, there is a greater chance to keep the energy going.
Thank God for this board and the people on it.
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Post by PerrinJade on Jun 6, 2010 20:52:22 GMT -5
I almost wish I'd included the worst of my apartment in my photos. I would have liked you to see them. I have a baby in the house, and I was living in very bad conditions. The truth is that people who care about you aren't going to judge you for the condition of your home. You are not your squalor. Never forget that.
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Post by eagle on Jun 6, 2010 23:16:15 GMT -5
Good for you for telling your brother you will return any mail addressed to him. That is a good move and non-enabling. It is his responsibility to find a solution, not yours.
Regarding cleaning up for fear of being 'found out', good start. For your own safety, it's a good idea to make a clear path to the exits in case you have an emergency and need to have paramedics carry you out. Just a precaution. Whatever motivates you to get the work done, it's a good thing.
What we have learned here, some of us, perhaps not all, is that sometimes taking action even when not motivated leads to becoming motivated. Maybe no in all cases, but several folks here have used "Motivation follows action" as a mantra.
The fact that you have a therapist with whom you are willing to be honest about your situation is a very positive sign, and I'm glad to read you contacted her. Now just make sure you stay in contact and keep your appointments. Excuses for skipping appointments are a dime a dozen, as are excuses for not cleaning up our homes.
A broken leg can be an excuse, as can pain and disabilities, as can lethargy or depression or a tendancy to be easily distracted. I'm not saying that any of these things are not real, of course they are real. But we can use just about anything as an excuse for not cleaning up, and the result is squalor, no matter what the reason. So the reasons don't really matter.
What matters is that we overcome the excuses or reasons, and forge ahead by cleaning something. Pick up the trash no matter what. Wash a dish no matter what. Clear a pathway no matter what. Do something every day, making positive progress every day. That's what matters. While we're at it, we have each other to report to and get some moral support from. We can ask for ideas of how to do something we have difficulty doing. We can try to follow some of the suggestions even if we think they won't work for us, without coming back with all kinds of excuses why we are 'different' and it 'won't work' for us, remembering that that is only going to hold us back and keep us in squalor.
You mentioned your brother's age as 61, so I'm wondering how close you are to being eligible for senior services? You may already qualify for services by virtue of age or medical condition. If you are, perhaps you could ask your therapist to help you access those services.
For example, my MIL & FIL have meals on wheels deliver lunch several times per week. In larger areas, there may be other services including home heath aide services or light housekeeping services. It can't hurt to explore these possibilities with your therapist. Asking about it doesn't mean you have to do, but at the very least you can find out if sometime in the future you might be able to recieve help, should you so desire.
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