juki
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 1
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Post by juki on Jul 28, 2008 13:25:17 GMT -5
I am sitting here crying. I'm not sure if it's tears of pain or relief...perhaps a combination of the two.
My children and I live in squalor. That's the first time I've ever said it (er, typed it) and it's terrifying yet very releasing at the same time. It's been a constant struggle for the past 5 or 6 years, but I hope/believe that I'm on my way out of this disaster.
My house is *me*. I get that, logically. I keep my house a disaster because something tells me I deserve no better. I keep people away because I don't' want them to reject me. My mess is my excuse, my physical manifestation of my inner demons, and cleaning it would be the first step towards healing.
See, I get all of that. I can see why I have let things go. Yet... emotionally, I can't. My mind is at a battle with the rest of me and it's made my life chaos.
I too nearly have a heart attack whenever someone knocks on the door. My family hasn't been in my house in years... in fact, I don't think my nephews have ever seen it. My walls are filthy, my carpet's ruined, and I just threw out seven bags of trash that littered my kitchen and living room (with still at least a bag or two left). I threw them out sneakily, and waited until my next door neighbour was gone so he wouldn't see what I was doing. I live in a townhouse complex, and we neighbours like to gossip. Lately he's taken to gossiping about me and my disgusting house. He's drunk most of the time so the others don't take him seriously, and that's a blessing for me. I've been told that he's complaining and have a heads-up before things get really bad.
I mean well. I try to clean. I get all excited every few months and go on a spending spree. I buy up tons of cleaning products (I know own 4 buckets. 4! What the heck?) and come back with the best intentions....then I sit down, become overwhelmed and give up.
I have to do this. My kids are embarrassed and want to invite friends over. I have a houseguest coming for SIX (!!!) weeks on Friday. I agreed a few months ago, thinking that it'd make me get things organized in plenty of time. I even bought paint to inspire me... which now is collecting dust in my laundry room. Oy.
I found this message board while searching for ways to get this done. It's much easier to spend hours googling information than actually doing the work, eh? I'm a great researcher - poor implementer.
I'm actually on to a decent start this time. My kitchen is clean (the cupboards are awful, but the surfaces are shining for the time being) and I've de-garbaged most of the living area. Next up is de-cluttering the living room, vacuuming (and attempting to spot clean) the carpets and washing the walls. Three fairly simple things that I could probably accomplish in the day if I really focused.
But I'm scared to continue, and I'm instead reading everyone else's stories and using their struggles and accomplishments to give me the strength to continue. You all are so kind, so supportive, so wonderful...and I cannot tell you how much you've effected me just in two days of lurking.
For that I thank you, from the bottom of my squal-filled heart...and I also apologize for writing a confessional when I truly meant to write something benign like 'hi, I'm new here. I've been reading for a while and think this is a terrific site'.
So...yeah... hi. I'm new here.
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Post by toomanycats on Jul 28, 2008 13:46:32 GMT -5
Welcome! I'm new here too. I only joined last week, but I have been truly inspired by the people on this board. Its going to be tough, but we can do it  |
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Post by pegasus48 on Jul 28, 2008 21:34:35 GMT -5
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Post by pianobirdy on Jul 28, 2008 22:35:39 GMT -5
I'm new here, too, and this is my second day lurking. Like you, Juki, I find it comforting to have discovered this site and having the opportunity to learn that I am not the only one.
I have recently come to grips with the fact that my long-term depression is worsened by having to come home to a house that is dark, dreary, and overflowing with stuff that nobody uses, with no room for the stuff that is really needed, and with trash everywhere. My house is not a home. There are no comfortable chairs or sofas to sit on, because the ones in the house are extremely old and worn out with no support. So many things are broken and unusable. All drawers are full of stuff that is never used. The living room and kitchen are usable but not inviting at all. A couple of weeks ago, I washed up about eight loads of hubby's clothes that were laying around everywhere and didn't have anywhere to put them, so I folded them all and made neat stacks on the couch in the living room. Hubby has been getting clothes from those stacks, and a couple of days ago when I came in from work, I noticed that he is now starting to use the living room surfaces (which were fairly cleared off) as a place to throw dirty clothes, daily mail, and other items. It struck me that -- OH NO!! -- the front room is working its way toward being as fulll as all of the other rooms, and I can't do much with it because there's no place to put the clean clothes! Something HAS to give here.
Last night, I found this site and registered. I looked through the pictures first, just to see what was considered squalor, and whether or not any of the pictures would truly be anything like my house. It is so encouraging to see that others are in the same boat as me. I applaud all of those who have had the courage to share pictures and stories, because that is a huge step and is extremely encouraging to those who -- like me -- need support and kindness along with the encouragement.
I came in from work today and decided to tackle a large corner of my bedroom that had stacks and stacks of junk, magazines, empty food containers, dirty dishes, silverware, etc. In November of 2007, I covered the whole pile of stuff with a bedspread just so I could handle having a cable man come in and install cable for the TV. It's not been touched, and has been added to all of those months. It's right in front of a window, and I haven't been able to reach the window at all. Well, I started with the determination to just do a little bit. With a package of garbage bags at my side, I started picking up a few items at a time. Once started, I couldn't seem to stop. I finally got most of the stuff cleared away from that area with four tightly-packed garbage bags full of trash. I have taken them downstairs and placed them by the back door so that I can taken them out to the trash can tomorrow. Yea! The floor is now horrible with piles of itty-bitty trash, and my vacuum cleaner is not working. I plan to work on that area with a broom tomorrow to at least do my absolute best to make the floor look a little better. One immediate problem is that I have only one garbage can (we have to use the ones specified by the city, and so I can't just sit out all of the bags on garbage day), and so I guess I'll have to pile up any full bags that won't fit into the trash container until I can get another one from the city (they're about $60 a pop).
All of this work this evening was inspired by this site and those of you who offer such sincere support. I'm tired of being afraid to make friends for fear that someone might want to come over. I'm tired of keeping a distance from family for the same reason. And I'm tired of not being able to relax at home or have any part of the house that is peaceful because of all of the junk and trash. I mean, how crazy is it to have closets and drawers that are full of useless stuff and have no place to put clean clothes except on top of chairs, sofas and on parts of the floor? I'm motivated by all of you. I know that my energy levels will fluctuate, and so I will not be discouraged when I have days of not wanting to do anything. I have recently begun to have back problems, and so there will be days when I simply cannot do the necessary bending and stooping. But I will keep coming here for inspiration and encouragement, and I will make this house a home, by eliminating one piece of trash and junk at a time. Thanks so much for your post, Juki.
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Post by skitter on Jul 29, 2008 6:16:33 GMT -5
Hi,
I have found that separating my organic, potentially smelly, insect attracting trash from my inert trash helps when all the trash can't be put out at once.
That way, you can store the inert bags in a basement or something and make sure to put out the potentially smelly garbage first.
Cheers, skitter
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Post by pianobirdy on Jul 29, 2008 13:14:15 GMT -5
Skitter, I'd never thought about separating the trash like you say. It makes sense, and yeah it would keep down the stinky-stinkies with the trash that cannot go out for trash day. From now on, I will make sure that I have two bags when clearing clutter. Thanks so much for the suggestion.
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 30, 2008 19:53:53 GMT -5
hi juky and welcome! Woo hoo! 7 bags of trash out already! good for you! pat yourself on the back for such a great start already! and 4 more ready to go! is there someone trusted that can take you to the dump with those, just this once, to get them out of the way?
if you have room in the freezer, you can bag up food garbage in there and keep it frozen until you dump trash; then stick it in the bag on the way out. you can't believe how that reduces odors and fruit flies! that's a tip i learned from a cleanie.
a house guest? for 6 whole weeks?! Is this someone you know and LIKE, i hope?? If so, can you get them to help with the painting and the extra tasks that you need some help with? good house guests love to be of use and help with projects, and good friends love you and don't really care about the "stuff", they want to see YOU.
what about your kids? if they want to have some friends over, that is great incentive for them to pitch in and help. it's so good to start them on chores when they are young. if they are really young, make it a game and fun. like, who can pick up and put away 10 things fastest? scavenger hunts, stuff like that. i'll bet if you sit them down and talk with them they would help; kids want to help, they really do. at least they could do their part in picking their own things up maybe.
so glad you are here! you too pianobirdy and toomanycats. welcome!
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Post by zinnia on Aug 3, 2008 21:47:29 GMT -5
....then I sit down, become overwhelmed and give up. ................................................................. My kitchen is clean.......... Sounds like *sometimes* you are "overwhelmed"-- and other times you are doing very well!!  This is a good place to get a hug and a pep talk. Welcome! |
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Post by crazycatlady on Aug 4, 2008 13:25:24 GMT -5
Welcome, Juki. How is it going for you?!? It sounds like you have already made so much progress! And how scary, but exciting, that you have someone coming to visit. That seems to help many people get motivated to make changes.
I am so glad that you found this community. I hope that we can help encourage you as you battle the squalor. You have made a great start! Please remember that although fear of continuing is a valid feeling, it is just that, a feeling. Sometimes it is possible, despite much fear, to go do something for 15 minutes (or 5 minutes, or 1 minute). Your goal doesn't always need to be to finish. Sometimes the hardest thing is starting, or starting again!
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Post by limegreen on Aug 4, 2008 17:00:04 GMT -5
Only four buckets? Girl, you just ain't tryin'  - seriously I know the buy it clean thing, and I have eight buckets, enough sweeping brushes for there to be at least one in each room, swiffers, wipes for the floor, the counters, the bathroom, the kitchen. Sometimes some of these things get used. Got the trash police, well, if you sneak out to the curb in your pyjamas at dead of night, you wouldn't be the only one here to do so. And I have been known to stealth drop trash into the not quite full dumpsters of neighboring buildings - hey, they do it to ours! Depression is a b*tch - I have it too, I think quite a lot of us here have it. So yeah, WELCOME! that's what I meant to say! |
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