mollyt
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Joined: January 2010
Posts: 70
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Post by mollyt on Jun 13, 2010 9:38:00 GMT -5
Good morning! Haven't been on the site in a long time. I have been in (and remain in) a major slump! Going to try to recover some ground this morning. I am thoroughly disgusted with the state of things here.
I KNOW in a pinch that I can get things clean and presentable (and by that I mean I know HOW to clean...it would certainly take many days to get to "presentable" now), I just can't do it anymore...the anxiety,sweat and hard work only to have it slide again into a mess. I'm so tired of that--to the point that I am immobilized by not knowing what to do. I cannot figure out how to get a true change in my habits to happen.
I think I've identified a major portion of the problem. I notice when visiting other homes I am lightening-quick to clear up after dinner and whisk things back into their places to keep order...I must have a real lack of value for myself and my home to let this continue. I live alone, but I won't LET my home be in this state if ever have guests, because I want them to be comfortable. Hmm. I'm still thinking on this.
Any suggestions welcome...or just thanks for letting me "talk" a bit!
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Post by moggyfan on Jun 13, 2010 9:47:43 GMT -5
What worked for me was to choose one big problem (for me, it was laundry) and commit to maintaining just that one thing. I found that after 9 or 10 months of keeping up with the laundry every single week, never letting it get out of control, I learned what "maintenance" was, and how to manage it. Most important, I learned that YES! I could develop a new habit.
Eventually, I got the rest of the place under control also and for the past five years it's never gotten bad again (my definition of "bad" is anything that can't be made company-ready in an hour or two).
So, you might think of working steadily at one area for awhile and seeing how it works for you to maintain it. One success leads to another.
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Post by _Linda_ on Jun 13, 2010 9:54:23 GMT -5
Hi Mollyt, The one thing that helped me the most was to start somewhere small and work out from that area. I started with my bathroom, which led to the kitchen, and so on. Conquer one small area and then defend it. True, I still have some problems defending my clean areas, but it is getting easier to deal with as time goes on. Best of luck to you.  |
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mollyt
New Member
Joined: January 2010
Posts: 70
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Post by mollyt on Jun 13, 2010 12:17:38 GMT -5
Thank you moggyfan and linnie. I appreciate your responses very much.
I am going to work on the commitment to managing ONE thing. I think I like that idea. And (like you, I suppose, moggy!) when I look around, laundry is the thing that will make the greatest difference. So I am going to try to start there. Today. No small task! It's my least favorite thing to deal with, I believe.
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Post by sidestep on Jun 13, 2010 12:41:38 GMT -5
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Post by dtesposito on Jun 13, 2010 14:01:00 GMT -5
Hi molly, I've been thinking about this same subject because even though I'm making huge progress in clearing old stuff out of here, I still make a mess every day that needs to be cleaned up the next day before I can start anything new.
I'm not looking for a pristine apartment, I agree with moggy that as long as the place can be made presentable in an hour or so, I'd be happy with it--after all, I do LIVE here.
Since becoming frustrated with my making messes, I've been trying to pay attention to what I do--I find that the only time I remember to clean up as I go is if the area I'm in is already really neat. I guess if I leave something out and it's the only thing out, I notice it--if other things are out already I honestly don't even realize I left something else out until later. I know that it takes a while for something to become habit, and you have to keep reminding yourself about it during the process. Short of writing notes all around my apartment saying "clean up after yourself" I'm not sure how to accomplish that--I'd go ahead and write the notes but from experience I know that after a day or so I stop "seeing" notes, they blend into the background!
I guess the only answer for me is to work harder to get all surfaces clear, because that's the only time I notice that I'm messing them up.
Diane
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MiSC
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Post by MiSC on Jun 13, 2010 16:03:29 GMT -5
I think I've identified a major portion of the problem. I notice when visiting other homes I am lightening-quick to clear up after dinner and whisk things back into their places to keep order...I must have a real lack of value for myself and my home to let this continue. Ditto. Sometimes I try to trick myself by thinking, "What if ______ were to knock on the door right now? What do I want them to see?" The blank is where I insert... the name of my ex-boyfriend (I'd like him to know that the best revenge is living well. Does it look like I'm happy in here? No.) Or maybe I'd insert the name of my high school idol. (What does it look like she'd inspired me to do? To be?) My mom has seen it a few times, but she doesn't come in to visit. Ever. Just if she's bringing Alex home or something like that, and she usually just stops the car and calls me when she gets near our house. My father saw it a few years ago when it was even worse than it is now. I was mortified, but there was nothing to do about it. Now I couldn't care less what he thinks, so that's no incentive. My mother's best friend though -- she's never been in here. She helps us a LOT, and she loves these boys like they were her own true grandsons. I'd be horrified if she saw this. Maybe I can make a goal of having Barbara over for a cup of coffee sometime. Maybe. Anyway. That's one possible way of thinking. What would they see in YOU if they walked through the door? |
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Jun 13, 2010 16:27:41 GMT -5
It takes time to develop a system, refine it, practice it, etc. I started with the kitchen, and attempted to keep it functional every day; the laundry is another great starting point.
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Post by dtesposito on Jun 13, 2010 17:20:40 GMT -5
It takes time to develop a system, refine it, practice it, etc.
This is very true--it took me a while to realize that if I tried a system and it didn't work, it didn't mean I was never going to succeed--it meant the system wasn't the right one for me. Of course, you have to give it a fair shot, like, keep trying it for a few weeks before you decide it's not working.
I tried several kinds of file systems before finding one that would work, several ways of keeping track of my keys, several bill paying systems etc. before finding something that worked and then sticking to it.
So if you try one system for any particular task and give it good effort and it doesn't work for you, try others until you find one that does work.
Diane
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MiSC
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Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Jun 13, 2010 19:18:35 GMT -5
It takes time to develop a system, refine it, practice it, etc. This is very true--it took me a while to realize that if I tried a system and it didn't work, it didn't mean I was never going to succeed--it meant the system wasn't the right one for me. Of course, you have to give it a fair shot, like, keep trying it for a few weeks before you decide it's not working. I tried several kinds of file systems before finding one that would work, several ways of keeping track of my keys, several bill paying systems etc. before finding something that worked and then sticking to it. So if you try one system for any particular task and give it good effort and it doesn't work for you, try others until you find one that does work. Diane This is the first time in my life that that thought has ever occurred to me. Different systems. Some work. Most won't. Refine and adapt. Wow. |
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Post by _Linda_ on Jun 13, 2010 19:40:41 GMT -5
You are welcome molly. I hope that you find a system that works for you. Just remember that the state of disarray didn't happen overnight, and it won't change overnight. The best of luck to you.  |
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mollyt
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Joined: January 2010
Posts: 70
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Post by mollyt on Jun 14, 2010 6:07:07 GMT -5
Thank you all so much. MiSC, I cannot think of anyone I'd be okay with letting in my house now! Funnily (ha! is that a word?) enough, I keep my yard very neat. I am thinking of inviting someone over in a week or two just so maybe I can get the "public" areas tidy and work on staying that way.
And thanks for the welcome into chat! I have used it before...will have to try it again soon.
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mollyt
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Joined: January 2010
Posts: 70
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Post by mollyt on Jun 15, 2010 17:24:44 GMT -5
It has begun. I DID the laundry...it is all washed, dried, folded or ironed and put away. Even did the sheets, mattress pad and quilt. It was an undertaking that took much of the day and I really had to force myself to pay attention and stay on it! I can't believe how easily I can get off track. I think that lack of focus may be another "root" issue. I kept catching myself walking down the hall to put something (non-laundry) away or wanting to pick up an area, sweep up after the dogs. Dozens of things almost lured me away. For today I said "no". I just laid my folded laundry on top of the papers and stuff-that-doesn't-belong on the couch and forced myself to continue, just so I could finish in a day. I'm starting with the laundry commitment and with picking up after my "immediate" messes FIRST. Then hope to branch out.
So, if you "see" me around, feel free to ask me the state of my laundry! I'm sure I will need the reminder! At least here at the outset I feel kind of optimistic about keeping it up. I know it won't be easy but I desperately want to change.
Thanks again!
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Post by eagle on Jun 16, 2010 0:28:04 GMT -5
Mollyt, here are a few thoughts from me. Oh, by the way, congratulations on the laundry.
For me, looking at the things I wanted to change and finding a way to link a new habit to an already established habit, was what worked best for me.
For example, when I first joined Squalor Survivors, my laundry was out of control and I had not established habit in that area. I did, however had a morning habit of getting up and making coffee. So I decided to do a load of laundry every morning as soon as I got up and make the coffee right after starting the laundry. By linking that habit to the established habit of getting up every morning, I was able to create a consistant behavior that still sticks with me almost 6 years later.
This worked so well, that I began each new behavior I wanted to establish by linking it to an established long-term habit.
And as mentioned before, I gave each one a very long time to ensure they stuck. I do not do well at major overhauls of my routines. But to add a new habit into an existing routine and to focus on it until it is ingrained, now that works for me.
Regarding having people over: My husband and I actually made a decision at one point to invite people over regularly as an incentive to ourselves to keep our home neater. We even went so far as to offer our home as a spot for overnight stays to some friends about once a month so that we wouldn't end up filling up our guest room, once it was emptied of the excessive stuff that it had been filled with for too long.
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mollyt
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Joined: January 2010
Posts: 70
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Post by mollyt on Jun 16, 2010 6:16:10 GMT -5
Eagle--that is a truly helpful idea. I also do not tolerate a major schedule change--even when I think it up myself! I am thinking on the best time of day to link laundry to my schedule. I may also try it with my morning coffee...I certainly don't miss that EVER! If I can get the clothes dry before I leave for work, that will be perfect. I don't like to leave anything running when I'm not home. If there's not enough time, I can start a load right when I get home.
Thanks for your reply! I'm actually feeling a little nervous about "maintaining" what I've done so I can move forward. I don't want to feel this way!
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