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Post by justplucky on Jun 23, 2010 17:27:33 GMT -5
Hello all,
I have worked very hard on my hoarding for the past four months and have made great progress. My bathroom and bedroom and are now kept at a level 0 and I have no shame in having my boyfriend and friends see and use these places.
The problem is the rest of my apartment.
I have a roommate, D, who is also a severe hoarder. When we first moved in, the common areas were just messy. Since I was a hoarder I didn't really care because it didn't put any pressure on me to change my ways. Really, if it were still just messy I could live with it.
It's gone beyond that now. We have rotting food in our living room (not mine). We have a reclining sofa where I would sit on half and D would sit on the other to watch TV or surf the net or whatever. She has covered her end table and the area around her half with fast food bags, broken things, product packaging, and other miscellaneous things. A couple of months ago she moved over to a chair we have in the corner (that used to be for guests) and has done the same thing. She's also started using the end table by my chair and piling her things on the surface. Every surface in our living and dining rooms are covered in her stuff, including surfaces I feel entitled to use. I thought I could be content with just having my bedroom and bathroom clean, but I'm not. I want the rest of my home to be as pleasant as those areas.
I am going to speak with her about the squalor in our apartment. Based on past conversations, I don't think she's going to see the problem (i.e., I think she's in denial). Does anyone have any tips on how to approach it? I'm thinking of pointing out the rotting food.
I would prefer not to move, as D is my friend and it will cost me $200 more a month to live by myself. I'm getting to the point where I feel I might need to for my own personal progress.
Thank you for any advice you can give.
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Post by clutterfree on Jun 23, 2010 17:43:28 GMT -5
Congratulations on your progress!
Try to approach her in the same way you would have appreciated being approached when you were still in squalor. Surely she's seen your efforts and achievements, so it might not be as difficult a conversation as you think.
Rotting food and the bugs and rodents it attracts, not to mention mold and mildew, is a good point. You could explain how much better you feel now that you're got your places cleaned up.
And if you can, offer to help clean it up (you might be planning to, I don't know).
Good luck!
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Post by Chris on Jun 23, 2010 17:47:36 GMT -5
Hi justplucky -- I'm sorry you're in this situation. It is really rough when one person is ready for change and starts changing and the other is not ready.
Is your roommate sensitive about her trash? I mean - how do you think she would react if you threw away trash and rotting food? I'm not suggesting that it's your job to take care of her trash but if it was me and if my roommate didn't object to it -- I'd clean in the common areas in the hopes that she might like it and want it to be nice and come around to picking up after herself soon.
This is what I can say for sure -- my own husband was very very resistant in the beginning -- when I started stepping out of clutter and squalor. But, he didn't care what I did in the kitchen or living room. As long as I stayed out of his personal areas and belongings.
In our case, he has really changed -- I think in part because over a long period of time of me consistently working on my mess -- he began to see how nice things could be. And he now he is actively working on his things.
My advice would be to really think about whether you will want to live with the situation long term -- and decide whether you will be ok with doing all the cleaning -- because it's unlikely she will change until she's ready.
And if she is resistant to you even touching her trash and packaging etc. that's another thing -- because you've expressed you want the rest of your home to be pleasant as your personal space.
In the very best case scenario -- if she decided to change and began to change her ways -- often progress is very slow and you'd still have to decide if you can handle that.
It sounds to me like you'd very much like to preserve the friendship -- you don't want this to ruin your relationship as friends -- and that is an important point that any discussion about the messiness should include. You'd like to stay there too because the alternative would cost about $200 more per month. And, you want a cleaner environment. So, all those points will be important to communicate!
I think that if D knew how much this means to you -- she would probably want to make things better -- wanting to and being able to are different things when it comes to clutter and hoarding though -- so it's important to find out where she's at -- and whether she is ok with you cleaning (assuming you would not mind doing that).
I wish you the very best of luck with this. I know the frustration -- and I hope it all works out good for you real soon.
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Post by clutterific on Jun 23, 2010 17:53:37 GMT -5
That is a difficult situation to be in. But congrats on your level 0 space!  Think about it: would you expect a cleaner roommate to put up with trash/hoarding/squalor from you? Probably not. I would either sit down at home or take her out to lunch or dinner and tell her beforehand that you'd like to talk about the apartment. Then I would say that common areas need to be clean/relatively clean, her side of the couch included. I would also say that her areas (room, bathroom, whatever) need to be kept free of rotting/old food. If she is okay with things in squalor to a degree, that's fine for her space. But for your sake and the sake of other tenants around you. Those things attract bugs and rodents, and both of you could face eviction if she does not get rid of these things and keep things free of rotten food and other icky items. I would offer to help (and mean it) or to help fund a cleanup (paying for rubber gloves, trash bags, etc.) if I could afford it. If she will not clean up at least the common areas, and if she continues to keep rotten food, etc. around, you may need to move if you can. |
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Post by clutterific on Jun 23, 2010 17:56:50 GMT -5
Uh, that should have said "for your sake and the sake of other tenants around you, the food, etc. needs to be gone."
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Post by messymimi on Jun 23, 2010 19:32:41 GMT -5
Congratulations on how far you have come!
As long as you live with another person, you might not be able to be at a level 0 in all of the common areas all of the time and at the same time. It is a great goal, but because real people live there, there might always be evidence of it being lived in. What you don't want is the lived-in-by-a-tornado look you currently sport. 
I agree to taking her to neutral ground for the discussion. If you don't have the money to take her out for a meal, take her out for a cup of coffee or tea.
Tell her how much you care about your friendship, and that you don't want that damaged. Tell her that you are afraid bugs and other problems will result from the trash, or that you both might be asked to leave if the landlord has to come in for an emergency and sees the mess. Ask her if there is any way to set a goal for both of you (and emphasize that this will apply to you as well as her). Let her know that you want no dead food and dirty dishes, trash, or dirty laundry in common areas for basic health and sanitation reasons.
The reason I would start with those 3 things (food mess, trash, dirty clothes) is they are key and basic and it is easy to see if one of you is not keeping up with her end of it.
You've been given a lot of advice to chew on. I hope some of it helps you to get through what I know is a discussion, and possible future decision based on the result of that discussion, that it will be very hard to have.
messymimi
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