MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611 
|
Post by MiSC on Jun 27, 2010 23:01:12 GMT -5
This could be a painful thread.
If your adult kids were raised in a squalorous and/or hoarding house, would you say that they know you love them? Or do they think, "If she'd loved me she'd have ________"?
What about when they were children? And teens? Do you think they felt loved then?
|
|
|
|
Post by messymarie on Jun 27, 2010 23:14:08 GMT -5
Well, I can answer the question from the other side of the coin. I come from a long line of hoarders. My mother, grandmother, and great grandmother all hoarded. I never once thought that any of them didn't love me because they didn't keep their houses clean. Well, my great grandmother kept her mess to the spare bedroom and the closets, but my grandma and mother both kept/keep extremely dirty houses.
I've always had issues with my mother, but the state of her house was never one of them. I've always known she loved me.
|
|
|
|
Post by clutterfree on Jun 27, 2010 23:40:12 GMT -5
Having grown up in a sometimes squalorous home, I never doubted I was loved. But I had some resentments to deal with and felt it was extremely unfair to me. And, for the record, it was. No kids should have to deal with that. Yet I did, and my daughter has before. Guilt? You bet.
There were times I thought, "Why doesn't she just do this? What is so _____ hard about it?" And there were plenty of times I thought she was incredibly selfish and thoughtless because of the things that went undone. I'll never forget the day I looked at the bathroom, I mean really looked, and got so disgusted that I got a bucket of water, Comet and a scrub brush and cleaned the floor around the toilet that probably hadn't been cleaned in years. It went from black to eggshell and I realized just how bad things were, and how I'd even started to not see it because I was used to it. I started cleaning then and though I didn't do a great job because I was just a kid, I cleaned. And often wondered why she didn't/wouldn't/couldn't.
As an adult, I feel more sadness about it than anything else,but of course I'm aware of the causes now and know how difficult it is to overcome some things, especially with no help.
The house was never in great shape, but just as I was about to become a teenager, my mom fell into a deep depression after grandma died and that was what sparked everything. This was the early 80s. She died in 1980 and it was shortly after that, actually, so I was 10 or 11 when it really got bad. Then, the attitude was "get over it" when you were depressed, and "stop being l@zy" when your house got out of control. Had attitudes been different, she might have gotten some help. Today, I'm sure she would.
I still get angry and feel resentful sometimes, but I think that's okay and probably healthy. I don't love any of my family any less. My mom was still a good mom in many ways, and I don't forget that. Dad wasn't blameless, as he was gone a lot and could have helped, too. I wish someone would have known and taken her somewhere for help, or just pitched in and helped--anything. I think it would have made a huge difference in her life.
I never remember thinking that the state of the house was a reflection on whether or not she loved me.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rory on Jun 28, 2010 6:45:15 GMT -5
My parents loved me as well as they were able. They are freely forgiven as I trust I shall be forgiven. There are two things I have learned which are, my past need not determine my present and I took all the good things my parents gave me for granted. May they both now rest in peace and I am grateful that I have found peace with them.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrsmess on Jun 28, 2010 7:06:04 GMT -5
On the other side of the coin, I did not grow up in a squalorous house, but I did feel unloved...I did not get any affection, any cuddles or hugs, and I don't recall being told that I was loved as a child.
|
|
|
|
Post by bluefrog on Jun 28, 2010 12:17:15 GMT -5
I've been very lucky. I'm not a hoarder, just a pretty bad housekeeper who got no help from husband or kids. Still, they never doubted that we loved them and cared about them. As kids and teenagers, our daughters were slobs; as adults, they're tidier than I am. DH has come around to doing his share of housework, too, since we moved into our retirement house. He wasn't around much when the kids were little. It's not perfect by a long shot, but it's neater and cleaner than when the kids were growing up. We get along very well with our adult children: every phone call ends with "I love you," and we all mean it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Louie on Jun 28, 2010 14:14:03 GMT -5
My mother was a hoarder. I have never doubted that she loved me, she told me often.
the hoarding definitely caused problems for me and my brothers growing up, and for me as a young adult trying to clean her home as well as maintain my own with a young family, and now in my 40's I am still trying to 'clean her house' ( almost done thanks to chat). while it has caused me difficulties I understand that it was an illness, unrecognised at the time, I don't blame her, she needed help. I do feel angry that I lost years because of her hoarding, but she did the best she could at that time with what was known.
my brothers still blame my mother & the hoarding and can't reconcile being loved with the hoarding, they have had nothing to do with her for years and actually forced her to sign over her home to them, they will never forgive her, and are very angry & resentful.
however there were other problems as well as hoarding which also impacted on us, and my brothers ( domestic violence, alcoholism, religious addiction), blaming the hoarding only is the easy option as it's more noticeable.
|
|
|
|
Post by messymimi on Jun 28, 2010 14:38:03 GMT -5
Thank you for asking this, MiSC. I have been thinking about it before answering.
My kids are 19, 17, 14, and 12. #1 Son doesn't leave the house without waiting to hear me say, "I love you, have a great day!" Bigger Girl claims her father and me as two of her best friends, and routinely tells us how much she loves us. #2 Son gives and gets lots of hugs daily, and isn't embarrassed to come give me a hug goodbye in front of his friends. Little Girl is the harder one to read, and will deflect any serious talk with a joke. She does want her hug and kiss and "I love you" before bed, though.
All of them say that they and my friends consider me the "cool" mom, mostly because they feel they can relax in this house. It has a clean kitchen and bathroom, so they aren't afraid to come in and get a glass of water or use the facilities, but the rest of it has a very casual, lived in look, they claim. I personally think it looks more lived in by a tornado, but I know what they mean, they don't have to worry about keeping it show perfect all of the time.
I am trying to clean up and clear out more. I do think they will like the house more if they don't have to step over or around stuff. I also think they feel loved in spite of the fact that I am a lousy housekeeper.
messymimi
|
|
|
|
Post by DJ on Jun 28, 2010 14:41:32 GMT -5
mom always had clutter. the house i grew up in turned into outright squalor in areas before we left. the apartment bounded about in squalor. you know the story mostly. i never, ever doubted i was loved. stressed and frustrated. sometimes it was my own doing. sometimes it was really just a health issue when mom had chemo and radiation. squalor's my own problem now and i'm going back to therapy because i don't want the boys to suffer any fall out from my own problems. the stress of living with someone who is poorly organised, missed appointments, being late, having events be more stressful than they should be, promises broken because it was impossible to keep them in disorganisation/chaos/squalor.... because those are the things that hurt -me- and made me feel less valuable. but all in all i never, ever, ever doubted i was loved. for what it's worth.  |
|
MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
|
Post by MiSC on Jun 28, 2010 15:02:37 GMT -5
This is helping. I don't want to be absolved of my responsibility to create a decent home for my family, but it's uplifting to know that it's not a forgone conclusion that my kids will grow up resenting me. I know they absolutely feel loved now, and love will always be freely given to them. There's the built-in love because they're my kids, but add to that the fact that they're both wonderful people, and I darn near worship them. I just hope they grow up knowing that.
|
|
|
|
Post by downandout on Jun 28, 2010 15:30:22 GMT -5
i dont have kids and i didnt grow up in squalor but im gonna go out on a limb here and say that i think its going to be more about your attitude then anything else. if you blame the kids for the mess or if you make it clear that your stuff is more important than they are or that your wants are more important than their needs then youre more likely to have kids that will resent it.
i dont have direct experience with this but i have read a little on that children of hoarders website and this is a recurring theme.
|
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Jun 28, 2010 19:27:29 GMT -5
Mine were brought up in a messie house-but they know they are loved. They know this because I told them so and showed them through my actions all of their lives. That is not to say it doesn't effect them-it does. Especially the not having anyone over thing-that's the worst.
|
|
