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Post by uualto1973 on Jul 11, 2010 2:51:31 GMT -5
When I hear other people - especially parents - complain about their messy homes and I *know* that they aren't dealing with mess that comes even close to mine, it makes me feel so uncomfortable.
I remember I had a supervisor once that would make jokes about what a lousy housekeeper she was, but she would talk about things like leaving clothes in the dryer all day (rather than fold/hang them while they're still warm!), finding something in the fridge that had mold on it, not vacuuming for 4 days straight, having to send her kids to school in un-ironed shirts.
For me this is one of the hardest things about the secrecy of squalor. Even if I make jokes like "Oh boy... then you never want to come to my house! We're really messy" then I feel like I'm just inviting a competition and making it worse. (Oh yeah? Well I haven't dusted the canned goods in over a week!)
I think it bugs me because conversations like that bring me to the *edge* of someone actually finding out, and I get both terrified and hopeful at the same time. What do you say when someone is complaining that they "haven't wiped the fingerprints off the fridge in 2 days" (or whatever).
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Post by mrsmess on Jul 11, 2010 3:24:03 GMT -5
I know what you mean. I basically ignore those remarks...they are all part of the mum's olympics....mothers are competing with each other all the time, and they say those things to offload their guilt and they are hoping to hear that everyone else hasn't wiped the fridge either so they can feel superior!
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Post by lizzie on Jul 11, 2010 4:47:32 GMT -5
Hi uualto 1973,
do you think you could say a little more about your comment 'I get both terrified and hopeful at the same time'? What is the hopefulness connected to? Mixed feelings are always interesting to tease out a bit, aren't they! Regards, Lizzie
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Post by wantinmore on Jul 11, 2010 5:10:37 GMT -5
Yes...just like anything else it is always strange to hear about a "foreign" life-style. We don't get it, don't understand it...but is it up to us to discount it, or judge it? It IS okay if you feel uncomfortable by the cleaning comments. Maybe it could even be a good thing?
And really, mrsmess...mom Olympics?
Aren't we all just trying to do the best we can? Maybe some Moms find fingerprints on the fridge offensive...who are we to judge???
*eta* I mean really...should we wish the entire world live in squalor so WE can feel better about ourselves? There is a reason cleanie talk makes us uncomfortable...it just points out that the way we live is *generally* not okay, we need to change it, and we all find it very difficult to do so.
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Post by mrsmess on Jul 11, 2010 6:06:14 GMT -5
And really, mrsmess...mom Olympics? Aren't we all just trying to do the best we can? Maybe some Moms find fingerprints on the fridge offensive...who are we to judge??? *eta* I mean really...should we wish the entire world live in squalor so WE can feel better about ourselves? There is a reason cleanie talk makes us uncomfortable...it just points out that the way we live is *generally* not okay, we need to change it, and we all find it very difficult to do so. No I do not wish the entire world to live in squalor!  I don't live in squalor for starters. It was meant as a lighthearted way of looking at the questions which mums ask each other, and was intended to give uualto1973 a way to not feel so bugged by it!!! I have posted on a mums forum for years....and we always joke with each other about the mummy olympics.....it is a JOKE. But the reason that jokes exist is because they are based on truths....home truths perhaps, so to speak? |
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Post by mellowyellow on Jul 11, 2010 9:03:52 GMT -5
It seems very similar to listening to kids (or adults) saying, "Oh... my hair is sooooooo gross today. It just looks horrible." And we look at the hair, and think, well, it looks just fine to us.
Or: "I just bombed that test... I can't believe how bad (ly) I did."
And the mark is 78%, which is totally reasonable.
Or: "I'm so fat. I can't believe how gross this flab is." And you see this tiny wisp of a child grabbing the skin at her waist.
Sometimes it's perception. Sometimes it's a silent cry that asks for people to say, "No, of course not. It's not that bad!" Mostly it's just people feeling insecure, and showing their insecurity, and feeling their way in this world, hoping to make a connection or to have someone who tells them that they are still good and nice and decent people. Normal people.
When someone talks about mess, I just take it simply: They have mess; I have mess. It's just a case of degrees. They don't need to know the difference.
The person who needs to lose 100lbs and the person who needs to lose 3lbs have hugely different goals, but both are stressed and frustrated. When I was thin, I remember struggling to lose a few pounds to get into a dress. Now it sounds ridiculous that a few pounds could make me so sad and anxious, when I have so much more to lose. But at that time, those few pounds were overwhelming.
I guess what I mean is that to those people, if they really mean it, the problems they describe to us, however petty they seem, are really bugging them. And I have no problems saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I need to attack my bedroom."
They don't need to know that I have two enormous piles of clothes on the floor to deal with. They just want to know that there is someone out there that is also facing house keeping issues, and someone who understands where they are coming from.
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Post by mafixit on Jul 11, 2010 11:44:52 GMT -5
Oh that is just a "please validate" me plea in my eyes,  . My neighbor's house is always museum quality clean, everything sparkles and her usual reply when she invites me over is "oh, please excuse the mess" I always make sure to compliment her house keeping skills, and put myself down with tales of my clutter.. the woman has no clue. |
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611 
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Post by MiSC on Jul 11, 2010 12:05:27 GMT -5
It seems very similar to listening to kids (or adults) saying, "Oh... my hair is sooooooo gross today. It just looks horrible." And we look at the hair, and think, well, it looks just fine to us. Or: "I just bombed that test... I can't believe how bad (ly) I did." And the mark is 78%, which is totally reasonable. Or: "I'm so fat. I can't believe how gross this flab is." And you see this tiny wisp of a child grabbing the skin at her waist. Sometimes it's perception. Sometimes it's a silent cry that asks for people to say, "No, of course not. It's not that bad!" Mostly it's just people feeling insecure, and showing their insecurity, and feeling their way in this world, hoping to make a connection or to have someone who tells them that they are still good and nice and decent people. Normal people. When someone talks about mess, I just take it simply: They have mess; I have mess. It's just a case of degrees. They don't need to know the difference. The person who needs to lose 100lbs and the person who needs to lose 3lbs have hugely different goals, but both are stressed and frustrated. When I was thin, I remember struggling to lose a few pounds to get into a dress. Now it sounds ridiculous that a few pounds could make me so sad and anxious, when I have so much more to lose. But at that time, those few pounds were overwhelming. I guess what I mean is that to those people, if they really mean it, the problems they describe to us, however petty they seem, are really bugging them. And I have no problems saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I need to attack my bedroom." They don't need to know that I have two enormous piles of clothes on the floor to deal with. They just want to know that there is someone out there that is also facing house keeping issues, and someone who understands where they are coming from. Besides the fat complaints, the one that irritates me the most is "Today's my 30th birthday! I feel so OLD!" |
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Post by onwardandupward on Jul 11, 2010 14:27:04 GMT -5
From my perspective, here's what I think..
I find myself thinking my home is messy these days when there are minor things that need to be done. For example, I felt stressed coming into the weekend because I needed to do the following:
1. Wash dishes from the sinks and run them in the dishwasher.
2. Clean our the pantry so I could unload a box of items purchased at Costco.
3. Finish making 26 cheer bows (about 2 hours work left)
4. Put away two laundry baskes full of clean clothes. Wash one load of clothes.
5. Put the new comfortor on the bed and put away two shopping bags worth of items.
6. Work on the mirror I am in the process of repainting.
7. Have DS clean the catbox and take out two bags of trash...and wipe some sticky Dr. Pepper up that he spilled on the cabinent and floor.
8. Clean out one toilet.
Seriously, that was all I needed to get done for my home to be "spotless." I was just as stressed as I used to be in the old days when I had weeks worth of chores to do.
For someone who has been involved in a war, being held up at gunpoint might not be as big of a deal as it would be for someone who had never encountered violence. For others, it might trigger PTSD reactions.
What I am trying to say is that I tend not to be upset by the comments of others because I have been the one who weighed 120 and needed to lose the 5 pounds I had quickly put on, and I have been the woman who needs to lose 70 pounds to get back to 120. I know that the emotion can be very similar even though the issues faced are very different.
Just my perspective.
Onward
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