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Post by usedtobeneat on Jul 27, 2010 16:12:37 GMT -5
As ya'll know, we didn't go to the house this weekend because my husband wanted (and deserved) a weekend in the cool where he didn't have to do anything. So, we did nothing this weekend because I need him to help move the furniture.
Yesterday I had a migraine and slept all afternoon and most of the night and couldn't do anything. Last night when my daughter got back from Orlando she came over here to my Mom's where we are and she had been over to the house , and she got all over me for not coming over and cleaning the kitchen while they were gone. She yelled, was a smart alec and then refused to talk to me and slammed my mothers front door as she left to go back home at 11pm. My husband was here and stood there and didn't say a word while she yelled at me and blamed me. Even though he had said "Let's wait and go over tomorrow to do something" and I did what he said.
Now, before we left for the lake a couple months ago, the kitchen was spotless. The fridge was cleaned out, the dishes put away, nothing dirty, the cabinets organized. Now it's filthy. Who could have possibly made that mess? I wonder if it was the girl who was staying there with her boyfriend the whole time. I wonder why I feel guilty about her cleaning it though, and why I feel she was justified in yelling at me over not coming to clean up her mess.
Today I have zombie brain from that medicine but we are going to try to go over and move some furniture. When I even think about going over there my stomach turns upside down and I get this huge feeling of dread.
My daughter just called and she is cleaning the kitchen as we speak. Why do I feel so guilty about her cleaning up her own mess? She has got it in her mind I suppose that it's my mess or I should do it because I'm Mom, even though I haven't been there. I feel extremely responsible for the house, for all parts of it, even when I didn't make the mess or it's something that I cannot fix/clean (like the yard). Why is this do you think, and what can I do about it? Does anyone else have this irrational guilt?
Mary
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2010 16:42:23 GMT -5
Sometimes we just have to clean up someone else's mess if we don't want to live in squalor. Your daughter is 16 (I think?) and SHE made the mess, but it is YOUR house. Of course she should be responsible for cleaning....but she may be overwhelmed herself and not have the skills, and may need your help and direction. Being the adult, it really is your job to get it done.
I hope my words don't sound harsh. You didn't create this problem, but it seems you will be the one who has to deal with it.
I see you pointing a lot of fingers at other people....this behavior will NOT get you out of squalor. You have the power to clean up your house, you do....embrace that power and begin clearing out, by yourself if needed. To wait on others to help, or to count on them to do it for you, will only leave you stuck.
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Post by usedtobeneat on Jul 27, 2010 16:56:50 GMT -5
I plan on doing it all myself. I just get ticked that I get blamed for not cleaning up their mess when I was out of town for two months and they made it while I was out of town. My point was why do I feel guilty that she is cleaning the kitchen.
Yes, I point the fingers because they made that mess. I am a neat freak and kept it spotless for 20 some-odd years. I wouldn't leave a mess like that overnight even because it would drive me crazy. Being a cleanie, this mess drives me nuts, on top of my major depression. I never said I wouldn't do it, I am going to do it. Saying who made the mess and who should be responsible for cleaning it up doesn't mean that I won't be doing it myself.
I won't mention it again.
Mary
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Post by moggyfan on Jul 27, 2010 17:02:52 GMT -5
If you are here only to deal with someone else's (your daughter's) squalor, I am not sure you will derive much benefit from these forums.
This site is really designed for people who have squalor issues of their own, not for self-described "cleanies" who are faced with cleaning up a mess made entirely by others.
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Post by clutterfree on Jul 27, 2010 17:22:03 GMT -5
You probably feel guilty because you think you should be taking care of everybody else and cleaning it up even if she made the mess. You have to be in control and deal with it, and that she's doing it, subconsciously, may make you feel like you're not being the best mom possible. Just a theory. You say it's not your responsibility, but you clearly feel it is or you wouldn't feel guilty. Maybe you're feeling guilt for leaving them to do everything, and it's just bit delayed and coming out as guilt over her cleaning instead. I don't know how to fix guilt for feeling responsible for everything, as I suffer from it myself. Maybe practice delegating and letting go of some tasks that others can do, and just sit with how it makes you feel.
Depression also does funny things to our brains and that could be a big part of it.
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Deleted
Joined: January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2010 17:22:47 GMT -5
I do not mean to offend you Mary....I really do empathize with your situation. But you did leave a 16 year old girl, and her boyfriend, to care for your house by themselves for months. Most 16 year olds wouldn't do very well with that level of responsibility. Thus you *do* have some responsibility in creating this mess yourself. See this as a learning experience...don't leave your daughter to manage your house by herself again, and you won't have to clean it again. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
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Post by usedtobeneat on Jul 27, 2010 18:22:05 GMT -5
Well Moggy, I guess I thought it was for people who were living in squalor and wanted to get out. I didn't know that you had to make the mess yourself. I didn't know that it couldn't bother you and that you couldn't be a cleanie because you had grew up in squalor.
I'll go and work on it on my own.
So very sorry for intruding.
Mary
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Post by success19 on Jul 28, 2010 14:56:52 GMT -5
As a child and a teenager I had to clean all the time and had no fun - that being said - a 16 old can clean up up their own messes - but what 16 old really wants to - Seems like you are the family caregiver - and take alot of verbal abuse at the same time - maybe a family meeting is in order - it isn't fair for you do do it all.
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Post by gottaproblem on Jul 28, 2010 15:15:51 GMT -5
Well Moggy, I guess I thought it was for people who were living in squalor and wanted to get out. I didn't know that you had to make the mess yourself. I didn't know that it couldn't bother you and that you couldn't be a cleanie because you had grew up in squalor. I'll go and work on it on my own. So very sorry for intruding. Mary Mary please stick with us.  |
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Post by gifted on Aug 4, 2010 14:51:15 GMT -5
Mary,
You do belong at this forum.
I think this is a very difficult period for you. You are unable to do the things you used to do to keep the house in order. I think you are starting to realize that it is just too big a load for you.
Meanwhile the rest of your family has the habit of relying on you to clean it all up by yourself.
It is very difficult to change one's own habits. Even more so when there are others people who are resiting the change.
Are you seeing a professional counselor? A good counselor can help you to sort out your ideas, weed out unrealistic expectations you place on yourself, help you find methods for handling difficult situations.
While the problem may not be entirely within your control, I am also thinking the others may not be willing to go to counseling. Meanwhile your unhappiness is a good enough reason, in and of itself, to seek professional help.
In a squalor situations, there is often much more to the problem than just the mess.
Take good care of yourself. Your physical and mental well-being are much more important than the condition of your home.
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Post by puppybox on Aug 4, 2010 20:08:14 GMT -5
I don't think you shouldn't be here. I think you have every right to be here. Feel free to rejoin! when I disagreed with you several times in one evening it was not to imply that you should leave. I was trying to change your mind about various things. But I really didn't mean you should drop out of the whole thing.
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Post by cleanchallenged on Aug 5, 2010 1:10:12 GMT -5
I think alot of times, house cleaning and cooking still goes back to the old days. Everyone agrees that the man and the children, should help but if they dont i feel alot of times we expect the mother, wife, girlfriend etc to be the one held responsible for it. Although its not fair, especially since most of us have jobs and careers these days, it is what it is. My mother was a neat freak, and the soul reason our house was clean. She made us help though but looking back on it now, i think it was unfair that we EXPECTED her to do it instead of appreciated what she was doing for us.
I think, someone mentioned professional counseling and i think thats a great idea. Or something like a family therapist. They need to understand that you are overwhelmed and that its hard to keep up with everyones messes.
I do think you belong here, and are just working through your issues with the squalor... and are writing here about how you feel, I do think you should stay here because I beleive overall it will be beneficial to you.
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