someday
New Member
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 54 
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Post by someday on Aug 9, 2010 0:14:07 GMT -5
A Little Background -
A few months ago my husband and I separated. The separation was more than amiable, and we are still very close and very dear to one another. During our time together, only once did we ever live squalor-free, and that was only for a few months. In a particularly dark period in our marriage we lived in a very heavy level 3 place and I was so depressed I could hardly drag myself out of bed. I always blamed myself for the squalor, thinking that if I tried harder, things would not spiral out of control. Since I moved out, however, I have revised my thinking a bit.
My new apartment marks the first time in my life I have ever truly lived ALONE - and I LOVE it. I actually enjoy cleaning, and doing my dishes, and putting away my laundry. I love living in a simple, uncluttered environment. My whole life is less stressful now. I even managed to land my dream job!
Here is the problem - my Ex-To-Be is still living in squalor. His girlfriend and another friend of his have moved into the (rental) house we used to share, and the place is a wreck. It was bad enough when I lived there - mostly level one, with maybe the laundry room and kitchen as a level 2 - but now with the addition of the girlfriend's apartment-worth of stuff and her two cats, the entire house is at level 3.
I love my Ex. All I want is for him to be healthy and happy and safe. But I don't know how to broach this subject with him. I don't want him to feel I am being mean or overly-critical, and I don't want to upset his girlfriend (she's fantastic - so sweet and perfect for him.) I just want for them to find the same peace and contentment that I have found. Any ideas on how I can help them?
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Aug 9, 2010 0:23:02 GMT -5
Would he come here? Or would that make you feel uncomfortable and hold back when you're posting?
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Post by Rory on Aug 9, 2010 2:51:28 GMT -5
'Here is the problem - my Ex-To-Be is still living in squalor.'
That is his problem not yours and he would be welcome here. Why not leave his girlfriend and himself to sort out their own problems? How much of your concern need it be?
Perhaps you could enjoy your new life.
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Post by messymimi on Aug 9, 2010 6:03:02 GMT -5
Dear Someday,
It's the same problem we all face when we start to clean up and our families don't follow along. Keep working at your own place, and when he is ready, he will deal with his problems.
Yes, it is very hard to leave people on their own in these situations. Until he is ready to change, however, there is really nothing you can do.
messymimi
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Aug 9, 2010 7:10:17 GMT -5
Dear Someday,
It's the same problem we all face when we start to clean up and our families don't follow along. Keep working at your own place, and when he is ready, he will deal with his problems.
Yes, it is very hard to leave people on their own in these situations. Until he is ready to change, however, there is really nothing you can do.
messymimi  Mimi is always right. I asked you if he'd come here, and it does seem like exactly the kind of person who needs to come here, but beyond telling him about the site, there's nothing you can do. So don't offer to help him dig out or question him about whether he came here or not. The slightest kindness like that would probably send a true hoarder/squalorer to a very stressful place. Just give him the URL and step back. |
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Post by dtesposito on Aug 9, 2010 7:30:53 GMT -5
I think the key question here is if he has asked for your help, or at least hinted around about the difference between your two homes. (If you've seen how his place looks now I'm assuming he has seen your place too?)
If he hasn't asked for help or mentioned that he's unhappy with the mess, I don't think there's anything you can do except be a good example. If he's actually asked or hinted for help, it probably should not be of the physical "digging out" variety, just the informational, supportive kind--like giving him some of the links mentioned here, or giving him tips on how you organized.
If this were me, and he seems okay with his place (and as long as the cats are being cared for) I wouldn't mention it.
Diane
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someday
New Member
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 54
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Post by someday on Aug 9, 2010 9:29:54 GMT -5
Not saying anything has been my tactic so far. I still do my laundry there once a week as the new place has no hookups and the washer and dryer are mine anyway. But now I can barely get into the laundry room, and the cat box they keep in there is overflowing onto all the clothes on the floor. I mentioned this site to the ex several times when we were together, and even posted some printouts of things from here on our fridge. I think I might mention it to the gf as well, since she seems to have slightly better follow through than my ex. I am also looking into having a friend take my dog (no pets in the new place) because she is being completely neglected by them.
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Post by Chris on Aug 9, 2010 9:39:25 GMT -5
Hi someday, So there is sort of a practical aspect keeping you somewhat tied to your X in addition to your having parted on friendly terms = your need to do your washing. Your machines being there with them and not having hookups where you are. And more importantly, your dog is a prisoner of squalor as well. So, from my way of thinking, a good plan would be to find a new place for your dog and a different plan for doing your laundry. Once you've done that you will be free of depending on your Xs environment being clean. Yes, you will no doubt still care but then it won't affect you personally. It can be difficult even when we are not tied in any practical way to someone .... when we would like them to change -- but it's more painful when we have to experience the situation whether it's clutter/squalor or something else. Good luck to you!  |
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Aug 9, 2010 12:17:06 GMT -5
Get the dog out now. There's no excuse on anyone's part for an animal to be neglected. Get him out.
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Post by def6 on Aug 9, 2010 22:08:25 GMT -5
I think the best way to help is through example. You have moved on and cleaned up your act, so should he. He will see how stress- free you are and he will want that for himself.
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Post by sunshineshouse on Aug 10, 2010 15:57:41 GMT -5
If your dog is being neglected there, it is likely adding to the Ex's level 3 environment. I don't know the specifics - if the Ex was fine with your leaving the dog and he accepted the responsibility - but I think that re-homing your dog would be a help. It would be beneficial for the dog too.
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Post by fluffernut - now Jannie on Aug 10, 2010 17:21:21 GMT -5
I'm not really qualified to give you advice, I've never been in your shoes. i'm still with my husband and I'm still working toward sweet maintenance. But you asked, so i put on my Dear Abby hat, and I think, as long as your ex and his girrlfriend seem happy (I assume he hasn';t said, our place is such a mess), then butt out and MYOB. You can't lead a horse to water. By the way, a big Congratulations on your current status. You souNd like a lovely person.
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