Blackswan
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Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Aug 13, 2010 10:34:52 GMT -5
Sometimes what we think is best for us is not always the best.
I used to always rent rooms, and then I moved into a one bedroom house.
I had horrible squalor there. I had a bed pile going to the roof, rotting food, dirty guinea pig cage, all kinds of stuff everywhere. It was horrible. I lived there for three years and when I moved out, my sister moved in.
I moved into a two bedroom house, and got rid of half of my things. I was relieved I would finally have more room for my stuff, and this time I was really going to keep it clean!
Yeah, right. This one was worse than ever! It was down by the LA Harbor, was over a hundred years old and had massive water bugs and cockroaches. I became terrified to clean! It had wooden floors and the nasty guinea pig shavings spread all over the house. The name of that house, to this day, because of the smell, is the s***barn.
I went into deep depression, became an alcoholic, was hospitalized because I was suicidal....
So the time came when I had spent the rent money on alcohol, so I couldnt really stay there, and my friend did not think I should be living alone anymore. So I became her roommate. I got rid of 2/3 of what I owned. But when I moved into her place, my boxes filled up my entire bedroom!
My roommate got married, and I moved out seven months later, into a room renting situation. I got rid of EVERYTHING! I moved using only my car. I have barely anything in my room, and I love it. I can always find what I need, never feel like I am suffocating. I never have to clean the bathroom or kitchen here. Don't use the kitchen, so never have that kind of mess. The lady vacuums my room for me, brings me my mail, and I don't have to worry about living alone. This lady happens to be my moms friend too, so even though I am 29, I do kind of like knowing I have a watchful eye on me that will tell my mom if I start to get loopy again. Plus I have no bills to pay and that was always a challenge for me. Not with money but the process of mailing them.
So I really love my placement here. Its very minimal and structured, and I guess that is what I need. Its sometimes hard to admit that I can't function in a regular housing situation, but I just can't. And I don't want to try.
So the point of this is...my sister is moving out of my old one bedroom house. I could move back in and try it again, and the rent is only sixty five dollars a month more than what I am paying to rent this room
My stove, refrigerator and sofa are all there, waiting for me if I want to claim them...
But I won't. I know I am in the best setting for me, and I am happy here and I now realize that I don't need to try and live up to the expectations of others, that one must always be moving up, up, up.
I am grateful to understand that now and not try and make this move just because it is supposedly a step up, when I know in my heart it would be the beginning of another downfall for me.
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Post by blossoming on Aug 13, 2010 10:42:51 GMT -5
oh, you almost made me cry. FABULOUS. so cool that you figured out what you need! we really do all do best in different situations and just because one SEEMS best to someone else doesn't always mean it will truly be best for us. CONGRATS. you rock.
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Post by moggyfan on Aug 13, 2010 10:54:50 GMT -5
Where does your son stay when he is with you? Does he have a room there too? This arrangement sounds good for you, but it might be little minimalist and difficult for him.
In another thread you mention that he likes staying with his grandmother--is that an arrangement you could allow to continue while you are stabilizing your own life?
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Blackswan
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Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Aug 13, 2010 11:08:05 GMT -5
Well, even when he had his own room, and we had the whole house, we were always both in my bedroom together. He tends to like to always stay close to me. He is going to be here to stay when school starts up. I dont really think its a matter of getting myself together. I think that due to my autism (nonverbal learning disorder) I am always going to have a difficult time being able to run a household. We have two rooms that rent out in this house. What would probably be most likely to happen is that when he hits eleven or twelve, I will just rent out the other room for him!  Sounds silly, but its definitely an option. He loves grandma's because she does the grandma thing and lets him stay up late and sleep all day and eat junk food and all that. I really shouldnt be letting him stay with her at all, he actually is much better here with me, because I give him structure and rules. And getting myself together is a part of why he is up there this summer. Not due to our housing, but so that I can continue to go to my aa meetings and meditation and other therapeutic things which i do all day long. When he comes back for school, I can do those things while he is in school. I am getting unemployment right now, so I am not working. I am planning to continue taking more time off from. work to get myself together some more and my plan is to open my own business in about a year. So things are actually going really, really well right now, its just not that picture most people would expect. But my depression level went from a ten to a zero, at all times, and to me that is the biggest indicator that things are going well. its not necessarily the things we have, or the career we have or any of that, its how much joy we feel and having enough to sustain that, not necessarily needing more to prove something to ourselves and others. Thats just how I have been feeling lately and its really been serving me well to relax my expectations of how things SHOULD be and just really loving how things ARE. I think thats the key. And I LOVE my life right now, 100%, I would not change a single thing about it. |
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Post by moggyfan on Aug 13, 2010 11:13:43 GMT -5
Well, then, it's all good.
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Post by blossoming on Aug 13, 2010 11:22:25 GMT -5
i really identify with a lot of the things you talk aobut.
when i have a bigger place, i still find that i wind up living in one room plus the ktichen. even when the other rooms are perfectly clean, or even perfectly empty or perfectly whatever. for me, i know that one of the reasons i clutter is that i need to be able to see it for a logn time to commit it to memory. so, a small but well organized space is best for me. i tend to literally forget the other rooms of my house. i had tests done as a kid and i remember they showed me cards and if they hid an obvious part of the picture on the card i could not figure out what it was. so, routine and getting things in my memory or eyesite are super important.
i have "failed" a lot in life, but everything has brought me to where i am now. and i woudljn't trade it either.
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Post by puppybox on Aug 13, 2010 12:07:14 GMT -5
its fantastic you know what you need and have set it up.
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Post by eagle on Aug 13, 2010 12:09:39 GMT -5
Blackswan, it sounds like you are making much wiser decisions than previously. This is very good news. Knowing that you currently lack the ability to provide your own structure which you so obviously need, AND to stay where the structure if provided for you rather than move, is a very positive sign.
Besides that, your recovery is so new, it is best not to make lots of major changes for awhile. So taking your time to stay in one place and develop all the positive habits to carry you through, is really the best thing for you right now.
I am sure your son would rather stay with you in your current setting than in the previous settings, so there is no doubt in my mind that you are doing the best for your son in this decision, as well. I don't think it sounds at all odd to rent an additional room for him when he gets older. It sounds like that would work out very well for you both.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Aug 13, 2010 13:37:53 GMT -5
Sounds so much like my story that it makes me well up.
Don't be too hard on yourself. People weren't meant to live alone--we need each other.
No one can be proficient at everything; perhaps as your life stays calmer, you'll acquire more life skills and by the time you're my age, these things will be easier.
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bonnie
New Member
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 28
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Post by bonnie on Aug 13, 2010 20:59:22 GMT -5
I totally get what you say. I live in a roomy two bedroom apt. now. One bedroom I never go in unless I just have to. The other bedroom I come into daily just because that is where Comcast hooked up my computer. There is nothing else of use in here. Now, mind you BOTH bedrooms are full of junk and squalor. Guess what - I sleep on my sofa in the living room right off the kitchen. Of course I use the bathroom as a bathroom. All squalory. Sometimes I sit and look around the living room/kitchen and think you know, I could live in even a smaller place than this! All I need is a sofa to sit/sleep on, tv, a tiny kitchen area, and a bathroom.
However, ever since I moved away from home decades ago, I have lived in tiny various studio apts. Oh, how many times I longed for a larger place. I used to pine for the ability to go into a room and shut the door and there I am. And then come out again. Well, now I have that. Doubled in fact. Ever since 1999. And it's amazing how I cannot learn to spread my life out into rooms. These bedrooms could become anything I want. Sewing room, houseplant room, library, just places to flop and listen to the radio. But I do not make a single effort to create a home like normal people do.
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Aug 15, 2010 17:21:57 GMT -5
You guys should have heard my mom screaming at me the other day to move into a TWO bedroom house out in the desert! This one was only two hundred more than the room I am renting. My sister is moving into the backhouse and the man she is renting from wanted her to recommend somebody to move into the front.
I stamped my foot and said, no, no, no, a thousand times no! Did you see what it looked like when I lived on my own??
It was a whole big argument and it was awful. But at least I know where I stand on this issue now!
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Post by Meme on Aug 15, 2010 17:35:32 GMT -5
I know I feel comfortable the less I have - the problem is it took me so many years to find this out- I am happy for you -
Meme
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Post by Rory on Aug 16, 2010 16:38:25 GMT -5
I started married life in 1967 with a four bedroom house. Now single I have a bedsit and a kitchen but share a bathroom. For the first time things are tidy and organised. Friends have said that I needed more room for my things whereas what I needed were fewer things.
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Post by yearning4order on Aug 21, 2010 13:35:08 GMT -5
I'm also finding that the move into a smaller place, losing the yard altogether really helped. It occurred to me today, while showing a friend the new place that I might need to give up on the idea of doing crafts in the office. Maybe the office is only for officing. And maybe I store craft materials in here and do the crafts on the dining room table.
I don't know yet.
But yes, I like the smaller place. Several years ago I would have thought that an upstairs duplex was not a good thing, but for my daughter and I it's been wonderful. Where we live is so wooded, it feels very private, like we live in the trees. There are gorgeous walking paths all around. I don't need a yard, and I don't want one.
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