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Post by Ally on Sept 4, 2011 3:40:53 GMT -5
Hi my name is WNM and I'm a Compulsive Acquirer (although I'm still somewhat in denial about this). I am trying to understand this. My thoughts are scattered. I just read the chapter in Buried in Treasure (yes at 3 a.m.) I'm trying to figure out what my triggers are. It seems like when finances are tight it's worse. It seems that if I'm buying for my daughter it's worse. I don't know. If I get the compulsion, and go on eBay, and I find something I think is a good deal, and I bid. There is almost a high that occurs when I bid. Then, sometimes, almost immediately after I bid, I start feeling anxiety, and regret. I was relieved I didn't win the first thing that I bid on last night. I'm not sure how I feel about the item I did "win". (Notice the use of the word WIN instead of BOUGHT!) It was a camera lens for my daughter. I think it is a good lens at a good price, but did she really need that lens, especially now that finances are going to be extremely tight over the next few years? No. Why did I buy it? Because her favorite lens has been giving her some problems and I read on a camera forum that this was a very good lens for the price (new). I figured it would be an even better deal if I bought it used.  Was it a wise purchase? NO! Will I regret it at the end of the month when another tuition payment is due? Most definitely! Anyone have any insight or suggestions? To be honest, these incidents are rare, but they are troublesome. It's been a long time since the last time I've done this. Buried in Treasure mentions yard sales, and clearance sales in stores, but doesn't talk about online shopping like ebay or freecycle, (which is free but still results in acquiring). |
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Post by lizzie on Sept 4, 2011 5:21:28 GMT -5
it is so easy to want things, isn't it, and then one's brain just bypasses common financial sense and buys it! I too find ebay a trap, and can readily find things that are good value, appealing, useful etc... I tell myself that I can sell other stuff on ebay in exchange- sometimes I do, too, but the income versus the cost is not worth it. Maybe you could change your ebay password to something very complex, and then forget it, that would slow you down in terms of buying, but you would still have the fun of looking,  ! When money is tight it is hard not to feel deprived, and to then treat oneself. There used to be a $2 shop near me when i was a student, and sometimes I would go in there and spend $2 after an hour of looking at things - it seemed to meet my desire to buy something. Now if I go somewhere like IKEA - very easy to spend money in there! I pick something up as soon as I walk in, that catches my eye, and carry it around with me, which seems to meet my need to 'have' something, and so far I have then found it reasonably easy to not pick up anything else, and to put the thing back before I actually leave. The human brain is a mysterious thing! Regards. Lizzie |
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Post by canna on Sept 4, 2011 6:40:41 GMT -5
Not sure if this relates to topic.
I used to go to a LOT of estate sales and garage sales and resale shops. Yes, actually made lists of garage sale addresses (many of them!) and would spend each weekend driving around to the garage sales for bargains. Liked the hunt for things and find things I liked, bought many things, pretty, but I don't really use them. Yes compulsive acquiring.
Then,
I started to volunteer at a nearby resale shop that is one of my favorites. It is affiliated with an organization which helps and councils those caught in domestic violence issues. Sorting, handling, displaying clothes, kitchen items, books, "chotchki" and other donations at the shop. Well, that cured me of my garage sale travels! I see so many nice things!!
For some reason, that has really stopped the urge to buy at sales; and I don't feel the "need to have that!" now, even surrounded by all the nice things at the shop.
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just4today
New Member
Joined: December 2010
Posts: 44
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Post by just4today on Sept 4, 2011 6:48:08 GMT -5
For me its my brain and my compulsiveness....whether its food or things or? whatever my "ism" is...its all about my need to fix something in myself with outside things. It's like a plus b equals w. I'm trying to give myself nurturing but i do it with things that ultimately hurt me. But i am changing. And you can too. One day at a time.
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Post by ponygirl on Sept 4, 2011 8:45:03 GMT -5
When I started making enough money to actually buy the nicer (than I had) clothes which I needed for my job, I bought more than I needed. But...I started to like shopping, which I abhored prior to having more-than-minimum-wage earnings. And, yes, I began to engage in "retail therapy", which contributed to my stuff overload.
It's a very difficult habit to break...feeling low, then getting the high of a nice shopping trip, then the low again after realizing that what was purchased was not needed...and sometimes not even really wanted...
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Post by kiddledo on Sept 4, 2011 9:41:31 GMT -5
I used to call them "feel goods". I'd buy something and feel good for approximately a nano second then suffered the regret..and the emotional tie to a bad decision that now I had to keep around me so I could punish myself for being stupid.
As my grandchildren grow older, I see many of the same things happening to them and along with the guilt of passing some compulsion or other down to them....I have come by a little more understanding about myself
I don't acquire as much anymore. Age and financial means attributes to that and like canna, I spent a little time in a thrift shop helping and that really changes my idea of valuable. That and watching people bring treasures to Pawn Stars and finding out how much they WEREN'T worth.
It's a struggle and again I thank you all for helping me through it..you're the real treasures worth keeping
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Post by Ally on Sept 4, 2011 12:01:13 GMT -5
Thanks to all of you! I appreciate all of your comments. I have thought about this some more, and realize, that if I am honest with myself I buy stuff I don't need whether my financial status is good or bad, it just gives me more severe consequences when my money is tight, and then it bothers me more.
I tend to be a bargain shopper. Freecycle was a dangerous thing for me. I realized very quickly that I couldn't be involved with that.
I heard a financial planner speak when I was in my late teens and learned about budgeting, saving, and the dangers of credit cards, so I do not allow myself to go into credit card debt... although there may have been a couple months in the past 30 years that I was in a situation where I just couldn't pay the whole bill by the due date.
Thanks again for all of the encouraging words.
One of my goals today is to set some time aside to figure out a budget. DD's tuition payments are taking nearly half of my take home pay, so I need to make the other half of my income really stretch a long way. I can do it, but I must be ever vigilant!
Thanks again... and I can do this, One day at a time.
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Post by ponygirl on Sept 4, 2011 12:35:52 GMT -5
W8, has your DD looked into financial aid at her school...and had that office help her apply for education grants (and student loans...)? The financial aid officer at all colleges and schools is there for just that purpose. Hope she sets an appt. with hers, if she hasn't explored that avenue...
Good luck!
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Post by Ally on Sept 4, 2011 13:04:14 GMT -5
W8, has your DD looked into financial aid at her school...and had that office help her apply for education grants (and student loans...)? The financial aid officer at all colleges and schools is there for just that purpose. Hope she sets an appt. with hers, if she hasn't explored that avenue... Good luck! Thanks Pony, She did qualify for 2 grants and several loans. This year, we decided to only accept the grants and subsidized loans. Next year we may take more. We don't want her to be carrying a huge amount of debt at graduation. Especially with how the job market has been lately. We might also apply for a home equity loan or even borrow against my 403b, as the interest rates are much lower than the unsubsidized loans. |
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Post by creativechaos on Sept 4, 2011 13:58:22 GMT -5
hi w8ting; thank you for starting this thread! i'm in your tribe, with many of the same characteristics which you describe. in reading your posts (and others'), i'm nodding yes, yes, yes to what you share about the triggers, thoughts, and insights. i believe it's good to do the actions and also pay attention to the triggers, so that thinking can be examined, challenged, and so that better behaviors can replace these habitual ones. it's interesting to me that frost and steketee think hoarding is NOT an addiction model; rather a coping mechanism for anxiety that is partially biochemical. it certainly "feels" addictive to go on an acquiring excursion, even coming out of it "empty handed." the very short high followed by a much longer crash. i just posted on another thread that msdare started awhile back; lioness gave me the link! here it is (and t.y. again, lioness - and msdare for starting the thread). It's entitled "Aquisition Accountability!" takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=action&action=display&thread=14094it's a bit different focus, but i think it would be good for me to log what goes in and out. msdare was logging each day in a very simple manner. my goal there is complete honesty and transparency; not to hide what i'm up to, or beat up on self too hard, but to log what goes in and out of my life. (if i can keep up with the continually revolving door o' stuff!) don't know how regular i'll be on there but will try to post whenever i can there. if thoughts and feelings accompany, i will write those too. maybe on my blog. i'll be interested in reading your thread here, too, w8ting, and will probably keep you company and cheer you on when i can. when one succeeds, it gives us all hope that we too can succeed. wishing you success on these challenges. perhaps your dd will put that lens to use and earn some tuition money selling photographs! we have several local photographers who sell photo cards to both the grocery store and the drug store, and they make a nice side income. for me, it's time to examine the thinking that keeps me acquiring, over spending, and unwilling to part with much. it's worse for me when money's tight or there are stressors in my life such as loss; but i acquire no matter what the finances are too. wishing you the very best in figuring out this budget thing. you can do it! luv, cc |
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Post by Arid on Sept 4, 2011 14:23:19 GMT -5
You didn't ask for this advice, but I'm going to offer it to you anyway!
I recommend that you have your daughter take any college loans that she can get!! Also, it wouldn't hurt for her to look for some kind of "work-study" program that her college might offer.
1. The interest rates for those loans usually are quite low--at least "reasonable."
2. If she can't find a job right away, those loans can be deferred. All she has to do is fill out some paperwork.
3. If paying for at least a part of her education is her responsibility, she will take her education much more seriously!
4. You won't be teaching your daughter to expect other to" take care of" her. You will be teaching her to take on adult responsibilities.
5. She will be establishing a good credit rating when/as she pays off those college loans.
6. I believe that it is a really BAD idea to use your retirement funds to finance her college!! As I mentioned before--paying back her college loans can be deferred for a while, if need be. Your retirement CANNOT!! You are aging whether you like it or not, and you have less and less time left to replace any funds that you remove from your retirement accounts. All too often, once they are used for another purpose, they NEVER get replaced!! Do you really want to be completely without funds "in your old age?" Your daughter probably would be happier paying off student loans than she would be paying bills for you that you can't pay.
Don't ask me how I know this . . . !
Arid
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Post by Script on Sept 4, 2011 14:38:00 GMT -5
6. I believe that it is a really BAD idea to use your retirement funds to finance her college!! As I mentioned before--paying back her college loans can be deferred for a while, if need be. Your retirement CANNOT!! You are aging whether you like it or not, and you have less and less time left to replace any funds that you remove from your retirement accounts. All too often, once they are used for another purpose, they NEVER get replaced!! Do you really want to be completely without funds "in your old age?" Your daughter probably would be happier paying off student loans than she would be paying bills for you that you can't pay. Dear WNM: Please do NOT do anything without checking the tax implications. In Canada, we cannot borrow against our RRSP [registered retirement savings plan] and any withdrawals before retirement-age are usually heavily taxed. I know that some people are against students borrowing for college/university. I feel that such an attitude restricts higher education to the wealthy. At the same time, I feel that students should work as hard as is humanly possible to pay for some/all of their schooling themselves. All of my friends, myself included, had jobs throughout university, sometimes horrible jobs. A few kids had jobs during the school year too. I had scholarships; other people had bursaries [family income dependent]. There are often jobs RIGHT ON CAMPUS: I know a lawyer whose family essentially abandonned her when she was 19 years old; she put herself through school by waiting on tables in the cafeteria and doing extra typing for people. There were kids in HIGH SCHOOL who worked night shifts in December [xmas rush stuff]---------the teachers turned a blind eye when the kids slept a bit during class! And I went to a swanky private convent school! My BIL worked nights stocking shelves at a supermarket. I could go on and on------but the bottom line is: PLEASE do not touch your retirement money. with love and respect from Script edited to add: what's so wrong with kids graduating with heavy debt loads? they're young and strong! if there is EVER a time when a person should be able to work harder it's when you're YOUNG!!!! PS: if your daughter is disabled or ill in any way, I retract my post......though in truth I know a university student who is SEVERELY DISABLED and she got a job at the local summer fair this year! |
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Post by moggyfan on Sept 4, 2011 15:19:58 GMT -5
Hi,
I had a mixed experience taking out a 403(b) loan.
First, the good: Around 12 years ago, I had about $16,000 in credit card debt split between two cards. The interest rates were 17-18%. I was really struggling, even though I had completely stopped using them. Mostly, I was paying minimums. The rate on my 403(b) loan was 2% and I had 4 years to pay it back. I did pay it all back in a timely fashion and suffered no penalties.
Now, the bad. The money in my 403(b), which is the money I borrowed, is pre-tax money. The money I paid back was post-tax money. When I take distributions from my 403(b) in my retirement, I will pay taxes on the money again.
On balance, though, I am happy I did it. It got me out of credit card debt immediately and I was fortunately able to repay it without any problem or penalty. Without the millstone of cc debt (and also with a very large salary increase), I have been able to do a great deal of saving for retirement over the past decade.
I know your situation is different, as it is not your own debt but your daughter's tuition that's the reason for the loan. Though I tend to agree with others that it would not be so terrible for your daughter to have some student loan debt, it's not something to be taken lightly either. A graduate can only get deferments for so long, the job market is AWFUL and likely to remain so for a long time to come, and student loans cannot be discharged in bankruptcy. I think for a young twenty-something to graduate with +/- $75-100K debt, even student loan debt, is a huge deal.
I hope you and she can find other options for financing her college. But in my experience, the 403(b) loan worked out well.
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Post by Ally on Sept 4, 2011 15:58:59 GMT -5
CC, I think I'll join you over there.  I plan to post all discretionary spending... |
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Post by gadget on Sept 4, 2011 16:40:23 GMT -5
My name is gadget and I am a compulsive acquirer.
I had to quit buying on Ebay because I loved it so much. I loved the hunt. I loved to snipe and win an auction at the last minute. After the auction, I often would not even unpack the box my treasure came in.
I had three storage units that were filled with boxes with little boxes of Ebay treasures. I feared unpacking those units for years but once I started it was fun. I found so many lovely things that I had totally forgotten about. They had gotten thrown into storage during stash and dash's around my apartment.
My downfall was jewelry and art/craft supplies. Why buy one Lia Sophia necklace when you can get 9 others for just a little more? I never regretted any purchase. I was driven to buy more and more because I kept finding "great deals". But it is not a great deal if it never gets used and ends up stashed in a corner.
My triggers are stress and unhappiness. Cold turkey is the only thing that has worked for me.
I am tempted to try to sell on ebay. I have many nice things that could help me to recoup some of the money I have spent over the years. I am so afraid of starting this buying mania again. I have been Ebay sober since December 2010. I really want to go on Ebay right now but I won't!
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