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Post by snailspace on Sept 9, 2008 22:45:50 GMT -5
It occured to me one day how often I make purchases for a kind of life that I don't actually have. Or a life I wish I had. Or a life I fantasize about maybe having one day. Because sometimes it feels as if things are talismans, like they would somehow make these alternate realities come true. I wonder how much of our clutter, our acquisitions, come from trying to furnish a fantasy.
If I bought these beautiful earrings with the silver hooks, then surely I would go out to dinner more.
If I bought this artistic little pendant people would admire it at the job I don't have yet. If I get the pendant with the calligraphy on it, then this imaginary dream job is at the library.
If I buy this pillow it will look fabulous on the bed I never make. But WOULD make, every single day, if I had this pillow. It will lead to matching paint on the walls and a new bedspread, and a room decor worthy of a magazine. Somehow.
I've bought clothes for events I will never go to. And clothes I will never fit into. And clothes for activities I will never participate in.
I've purchased yarn for projects I know I won't make, and yarn for projects I want to make but know I will never use.
I buy discounted school supplies every fall because I feel a step closer to a higher education I never seem able to pursue.
When I was a young teenager I bought a book on raising sheep. Because I honestly thought it was going to be a practical, useful, how-to guide for the life I was going to have. I see now it was only a tangible part of a mirage, an inexpensive piece of an expensive dream that I could hold in my hands. It was the closest to that way of life that this suburban girl was ever going to get. I got rid of the book a long time ago. I've gotten rid of a lot of things, but I keep accumulating more that are just as impractical. Why? Because to let them go is to let go of a dream? To stop buying is to stop dreaming?
I have purchased twelve pairs of earrings in the last four months and I don't have pierced ears. I just have this fantasy. In it I'm eating a piece of pie in a riverview restaurant, and I have an inverted tulip dangling from each lobe. I am thin and young and wearing a nice dress. The only part of this I can actually achieve? Yeah. Buying the earrings. As long as they keep showing up in the mailbox, I can keep dreaming.
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hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815 
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Post by hopehope on Sept 9, 2008 22:53:19 GMT -5
yes. and may I say again, yes.
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Post by brenda on Sept 9, 2008 22:56:57 GMT -5
Retail therapy seems to work great on the TLC channel. All you need are some fancy new duds and you've become pretty, happy and successful.
I have to remind myself there is no purchase that will transform my life, I must work to transform it.
Ironic that all these things we buy for this new life end up as road blocks on the way there.
Brenda
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Post by DJ on Sept 9, 2008 23:17:02 GMT -5
ouch. i feel like i should go get rid of some stuff now.
but i think i'm going to get another set of piercigs.
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Post by butterflyrider on Sept 10, 2008 0:03:23 GMT -5
Snailspace, I know exactly how you feel. For 20 years I collected and accumulated teaching "stuff". I bought books, workbooks, supplies, bulletin board sets, boarders, thematic units... thousands and thousands of dollars worth of stuff. I subscribed to every teacher magazine out there and saved them all. I did what I was supposed to do, I went to college, got my BS in ele education and was one class shy of my Masters. But the job never came. I fell into a desperate depression after student teaching and graduating from college and never applied for a teaching job.
The school district called me and asked if I would be a substitute teacher and I started that. My collection of "stuff" grew even more. If I handed out a worksheet in the class I was in, I took one home for me. I never did get my teaching job. I was given various reason such as I had too much education to be hired as a first year teacher, the pay was too much, or I had one superintendent tell me "Why would I hire you as a teacher when we need good subs in our county".
I tried organizing all my stuff, I had binders full of teaching units, boxes full of books and worksheets. I can no longer teach, even if I was offered a job because my certificate of eligibility expired and I would have to go back to college and student teach again, and at my age, that isn't something I could do. So I sub. I have learned to like it, at least I get to be with kids all day and be part of the education system. But I had to get rid of all my "stuff". Two rooms full of "stuff".
Then I rented a dumpster and threw it all away. It was the only way I could do it. I couldn't justify keeping one thing and throwing out another. I had thought of giving it to a school, but was worried that the condition of it would offend them. So I tossed it all. When they came to pick up the dumpster, I cried. All I could think was there goes my dream in a dumpster.
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Post by lettinggo on Sept 10, 2008 3:24:30 GMT -5
> I've purchased yarn for projects I know I won't make,
> and yarn for projects I want to make but know I will
> never use.
Wow, did that one hit home for *me*. I *do* crochet. But I crochet one thing -- neat little cat beds. I use Red Heart yarn for that. So why do I keep having to buy beautiful, expensive, lovely-to-touch yarns?! Most of them went out in the trash. sigh.
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Post by DJ on Sept 10, 2008 5:28:44 GMT -5
hey i tried to sleep and failed and logged back online. just wanted to say was fun and funny getting to meet you. just wanted to say howdy. was reading the forum and read your response to the post about buying/hoarding for a different life and i dunno. the whole thread resonated for me. i hope you get your dinner party....
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Post by Memo on Sept 10, 2008 6:06:36 GMT -5
 your all invited... mysmom2001
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Post by heylady1 on Sept 10, 2008 10:11:14 GMT -5
We gots a change bone? I think mine is broken...  |
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Post by nmf on Sept 10, 2008 13:21:00 GMT -5
Snailspace,
Your post resonated with me as well!
- No More Fear
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Post by hypatia on Sept 10, 2008 13:48:13 GMT -5
I hold on to things for a life that I once thought I would lead, but no longer seems on my path. Do I really need all my old textbooks, class notes from some of my advanced classes, and other study materials? Am I really going to sit down after dinner and peruse my quantum mechanics text? And that Calculus text that I've been holding on to for 15 years (yikes), is now just used to sit my 2 year old on so she can reach the table when we eat on the porch. But still, I can't bring myself to get rid of them. At this point I don't think I'll be returning to grad school (my interests have changed) but, you know, just in case. Can I really be that open about letting go of an old dream?
And yarn. Yes, the yarn. It's beside me on the couch as I type, a couple skeins in my bedroom, lots more in the office (some unopened in the package from where I ordered it online). And I'm thinking about getting more, though my knitting time is really limited right now since my youngest is not even two months old and needs to be held most of the time.
When I walk through my house, I don't see it as it really is. Even as I'm side-stepping piles of junk, I envision it as it will be one day. Tidy, bright, clean-smelling, stylishly painted walls (I even have the paint in the garage!) with all my paintings hanging on the wall instead of piled behind the couch.
One day.
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zeeky
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 38
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Post by zeeky on Sept 10, 2008 22:10:23 GMT -5
I have a collection of 150+ DVDs ... most of which I haven't watched. But oh, how I love to loan them to people ...
I also have everything a person might need during a natural disaster (waiting for the "big one" to hit San Francisco -- STILL) ... some in triplicate. I carry three flashlights with me just in case the lights go out & I can give the other two away.
None of this is motivated by an urge to make people like me, but rather from a need to be useful, at least potentially ...
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Post by ghettofabulous on Sept 21, 2008 18:46:24 GMT -5
Hello All,
I've thought so much about this post since I read it over a week ago. At first I couldn't respond to it because it really depressed me, but after a while the sadness was replaced by curiosity.
I started to think a lot about the psychological bridge so many of seem to build in our minds over the issue of possessions equaling experience, or as snailspace so aptly phrased it, " ...our acquisitions, come from trying to furnish a fantasy."
I can't tell you how strongly this speaks to me, and how profoundly important I think this topic is. I feel that if I can't develop alternate methods for thinking on this issue, I will never be able to truly heal. I feel I must crack this nut.
Snailspace, this is a beautiful and introspective post, thank you for sharing what I know are painful feelings and associations.
Pickles suggests that you get your ears pierced. This seems a quick and easy solution to your statement: "If I bought these beautiful earrings with the silver hooks, then surely I would go out to dinner more."
But I thought about this. What would happen if you got your ears pierced, wore your earrings and went out to dinner?
Would that satisfy the fantasy? I mean, that doesn't seem to be an unattainable fantasy, wear gorgeous earrings and enjoy an evening out to dinner. I would very much like to think that fulfilling a fantasy like that would open the door to the possibility of bigger and larger fantasies, as long as deliberate and purposeful action were taken in the direction of actually participating in the event.
I'm wondering how many times we sabotage ourselves, with fantasies we never intend to fill, that we indulge in fantasies that are themselves richer to savor than the reality could ever be. For example, I have a fantasy where I meet Russell Crowe. It is not out of the realm of possibility that I might at some point meet this actor, and say hello, but what I envision in MY fantasy, well, that's not gonna happen, heh heh.
But, if we are not sabotaging ourselves, that means that we only need to "let out the clutch" in fulfilling our dreams and fantasies. I think the first step is identifying what our current dreams are, and letting go of fantasies that don't truly inspire us anymore.
I absolutely love Pickles story of her creation of the 1/4 acre farm, with the inspiration coming from a kids book. That's what I'm talking about!
And Mysmom2001, who has the dream of having a dinner party where everyone is enjoying themselves. Mom, that is not unattainable, you can do that! But then you say: " and I wake up in a kitchen filled with clutter and heaping trash cans, and bulging cupboards, and I am lonely and ashamed of my house, the phone doesn't ring, and I don't answer the door bell..."
That statement broke my heart to read, but really, it doesn't have to BE that way, this is something you so CAN do, but you need to act in the direction of what you want. You'd be surprised how many people would love to come to your house for dinner!
Hypatia says: "Can I really be that open about letting go of an old dream?" You can if the dream no longer speaks to you, no longer inspires you, if it doesn't do those things, its no longer a DREAM, and yes, you can let it go. Let it go and make room to fulfill the dream you really want!
Great thread, important topic. Please keep it going, I would love to hear your thoughts.
GhettoFabulous
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Post by snailspace on Sept 21, 2008 22:13:20 GMT -5
Thank you so much for replying to this, Ghetto Fabulous. I was so moved by all the replies, I think I kind of emotionally stepped back from the thread for a while while I processed it.
I love how you said "we only need to "let out the clutch" in fulfilling our dreams and fantasies." That really touched me. I feel like I've lived so much of my life gripping for security that I've never really let go and tried to just 'roll'. It's gotten particularly intense the last couple of years. The last time I attempted to ride a bicycle I couldn't even try, I was too afraid, and this was something I'd done effortlessly before. I'm afraid to get my ears pierced. Afraid to go to college (tried that before twice and bolted like a hare after a few months/weeks) Afraid of restaurants, of practically everything. Maybe 'buying' something is easier than 'doing' something.
Pickles, if you read this, your post was so inspiring to me I can't begin to tell you. Thinking of you out there carving your little pond bit by bit, like water drops wearing down a rock until the job was done. I've had to do that before with gardening, something else I've given up on. I wonder if you had the book.... what was it called... with the little sheep who fainted everytime she got sheared? The Year at Maple Hill Farm, maybe? I had that book when I was a kid.
What struck me in the replies was that so much of what we dream for is so modest and attainable.... none of us said we wanted to be an astronaut or own a mansion with diamond faucets (though granted those are attainable by some, too) but we just wanted simple things so many people take totally for granted. Or maybe not so simple things but still things that we might yet be able to attain. Maybe it's good to start small.... maybe it's good to just start.
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Post by limegreen on Sept 22, 2008 8:43:43 GMT -5
I have a fifteen year old calculus text too! And a whole slew of other academic tomes I can't even begin to remember why I thought them worth keeping. Now that my daughter is half way through her degree, and not needing her mother's dusty volumes, I should get rid of a few. But I may keep the calculus, because, believe it or not, that's one of the few she has found useful.
Let us not talk about the yarn, the craft supplies, the fabric and the unmade projects they represent...
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