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Post by clutteringmom on Oct 20, 2008 1:23:38 GMT -5
I can't cope with daily life. My daughter is 10 years old and has developed anorexia and severe anxiety, and I am pretty convinced that her condition is due to her upbringing in this chaotic environment (we are in squalor level 2). It didn't seem to affect her too much when she was younger, but now it definitely does.
She used to have friends over to the house (much to my embarrassment, of course); now she has withdrawn from friendships other than at school. One of her best friends from a year ago came over today unannounced and my daughter had a panic attack begging me to ask her to leave (which I did, and truthfully I didn't want the friend there either to see all the squalor).
I escape from reality by spending most of my free time in bed with my laptop surfing the internet. My relationship with my husband is nonexistent...he is a good man; I am just incapable of intimacy or being a true partner. If I even gave him the slightest encouragement, I know he would help us get out of this mess...but I don't, and thus he is very depressed and does everything he can to escape reality as well. Every day I think I will start changing, but I start to think about what needs to be done, and my overwhelming sensations are anxiety and anger that I've let things go this far astray, and I head right back to my escape valve. My daughter's escape valve is watching TV, which I know isn't a good thing.
We do manage to hold down jobs and my daughter is doing well in school, but she's obviously not doing well mentally or physically. She's a perfectionist and throws a fit (crying, screaming) at the slightest mistakes she makes. She is in weekly counseling for the anorexia & stress but I think the only way to truly help her out of this downward spiral she's in is to change myself and the environment she lives in.
I'm guessing the advice is going to be for me to go into counseling myself, but I'm so resistant to that idea. I just can't face it.
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Post by eagle on Oct 20, 2008 8:47:34 GMT -5
I can't cope with daily life. <snip> I'm guessing the advice is going to be for me to go into counseling myself, but I'm so resistant to that idea. I just can't face it. Clutteringmom, you are right, that is the first thing that came to my mind. I will tell you a story that illustrates this from my own life. When my younger son was a pre-teen, he went into a treatment program for a couple of weeks. The improvement was remarkable. Upon return to the home (ours) his progress promptly deteriorated to what it was before the residential treatment program experience. Was the program itself unsuccessful? Only insomuch as it did not treat the environment into which he returned. If the entire family unit had gone into the treatment program, perhaps he would have had a chance to hod onto some of those gains and progress. But without his surroundings changing, he was destined to revert back to his role within those surroundings. Truly difficult as it may be to convince your husband and yourself to participate in family counselling, it may be the only hope for your daughter. I know it is difficult to face and I do understand this. I was in therapy myself for many years. There were hours in which I sat there simply not speaking or crying and barely speaking. We tried family therapy when my sons were young and it was a difficult road, particularly when not all parties involved were willing to participate. It was not successful, I am afraid. My husband and I tried marriage counselling, again not effective when both parties were not willing to work. However, eventually I did put the effort into myself and worked with a therapist for several years on myself. When it comes right down to it, I needed a lot of work and I am profoundly glad that I did this. I only wish that I had done it when my sons were small, so they could have reaped some benefit much earlier. |
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Post by messymimi on Oct 20, 2008 14:35:00 GMT -5
Welcome, clutteringmom  !
Resistance to counseling is common, but it makes everything so much harder than it has to be. A good counsellor would be able to help you figure out what you are afraid of finding out in counseling, among other things.
For the overwhelmed feeling you get when you look at all that needs to be done, I can only say you are in good company. Many of us get that way, and it paralyzes us. I know with me it has to do with perfectionism -- if I can't do it all, perfectly, right now, then why bother. The only thing that overcomes this logjam is to start. No matter how small, start. Pick up a piece of garbage. Offer your husband a hug. Anything to break out of the current pattern.
The internet is also my downfall. I know well the siren call that lures me to do-nothing land. I have to resist by making internet time a reward for doing those small things to break the pattern. I only get on when I have done something, and I stop every so often and do more.
Changing your environment begins with changing the behaviors that led to that environment. Changing behavior begins with changed thinking. Counseling is one means (not the only one, but often a very good one) of changing your thinking.
messymimi
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Post by pearblossom on Oct 20, 2008 16:31:43 GMT -5
I can connect on so many levels.
First, the internet is my escape, too--and it is a serious problem. I have now moved my laptop to a completely inconvenient place and shut it down instead of letting it go into sleep mode--where I can quickly have access again. It's helped.
We also removed the TVs. Huge improvements for our nearly-5yo. HUGE. His lack of "unattended babysitter" has forced me to deal with him and engage with him. It wasn't an easy transition, but a necessary one.
And last, I feel the pain of not wanting to turn to your husband and say "Help" because of the millions of feelings that go with it... shame that you've contributed to him having to live like this, too; panic that he might help and you might not be able to keep it together; worry that he may throw it in your face someday--even if he's not like this at all (mine isn't, but I worried about it). My marriage was nonexistant, too. I stayed because I had a special needs son and staying meant not working--so I could help him. But now it's not like that.
You're clearly making progress because you're here. Celebrate the baby steps. Focus on one thing this week--one that makes YOU feel better about you vs. making the environment feel better. Browse through these forums and suddenly you'll be shocked to see parts of your life explained--and it suddenly becomes possible to deal with them.
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Post by skitter on Oct 21, 2008 10:51:48 GMT -5
clutteringmom,
I would describe your daughter's behaviour and the incident with the old friend to your daughter's cournsellor. She might want to try to make sure that your daughter is not being bullied at school.
Just because she lives in a messy house does not mean that there may not be other negative things in her life. Like most mothers, you blame yourself, but not everything is always about the state of our houses.
Best wishes, skitter
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Oct 21, 2008 11:29:04 GMT -5
Hi! Anorexia is often about control issues, not food (I'm sure you know this already) so it looks like she feels she has no control over her life. So, maybe the squalor does have something to do with it. Another issue (i have had anorexia and bulimia on and off for 13 years, so I know a little  is that when not eating, you feel like eating is sullying you, making you unpure. So it is almost an attempt to keep the body "clean" and empty. Another thing that it does is make you feel superior to all the people that NEED to eat. So she may also want to separate from you and DH and the mess and feel like she is better than all that. That is just speculation, but it may be possible. Now, for you....Cleaning up a small area, doing hard physical work, completing a task, is all very empowering, the only problem is that you need to find the motivation to start. I don't know how your motivation is, I know that I get "frozen" and if that happens to you too, here is how to break it: Tell yourself, I am going to wiggle a toe, I am going to move my ankle, I am going to extend my legs, I am going to lean forward, I am going to stand up. It works good for getting you up, even if you have no desire in the world to do it. Once you are up, choose one area like a table, a corner, the couch, whatever, and set your timer for fifteen minutes, and just start. It sounds like you need a little empowerment right now, and it will bring hope back for you. You have no problem right now that cannot be fixed. You need to invest time and energy in your husband, daughter, and house, but you still have all three, and it is not hopeless! Start with those first 15 minutes, right now! You CAN do it! |
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Post by crazycatlady on Oct 21, 2008 21:09:21 GMT -5
Welcome, ClutteringMom. I'm so glad that you found us! I'm certain that you can find some inspiration here!
Keep reading, and posting, and let us know how things are going for you and your family.
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