No More Squalor
New Member
Breaking my dirty habits once and for all...
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 34
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Post by No More Squalor on Oct 21, 2008 7:59:54 GMT -5
Hello, all!
I've battled messiness, clutter, and squalor all my life. Even though my mother was an excellent housekeeper, I could never manage to keep my room neat, or my schoolwork organized as a kid. And it wasn't that I didn't understand how to organize things, or put things away when I was done with them; I did. It was more like I never even thought about doing those things.
I knew that people were expected to clean up their rooms, and sort their papers properly, and make sure their hair was tidy and their socks pulled up during the day, but actually thinking about it? Remembering to do it? Forget it--I only did so if someone pointed out that I had to. And even then, I usually left it half-finished and went off to do something more interesting. Not only did I not think about keeping my stuff in order, I didn't want to do what was necessary. Not when there were so many more interesting things to distract me.
And that sort of indifference and lack of attention has been the bane of my existence. It's made my adult life miserable, even as I used to joke about using the "medieval method" of housekeeping (I'd just pick up and move every time a place got too filthy).
I seem to have a three-year limit on keeping a place liveable. Once that three years are up, the clutter and filth begin to multiply rapidly. The first place I lived in that reached level 3 squalor was a tiny studio apartment I had in San Francisco; I was there for five years, and the last two were simply awful.
When I left San Francisco after buying a big house out-of-state, I thought that I would be able to keep it reasonably clean because I now had lots of space. Wrong. Three years in, it was only slightly less crowded than my old SF apartment, and every bit as filthy. I remained in that house for six more years, and every year it grew worse, especially during the last four years, when I went from three cats to seven. It was horrifying, and depressing. It felt like the walls were closing in. The pervasive stench of ancient catbox--the smell had gone beyond ammonia--was unreal. I'm amazed I could function at all in that mess.
Oh, and did I mention that I was an online used book dealer, and that I had 20,000 books in the house, most of them packed away in boxes and virtually inaccessible? And that I was not only crowded by boxes of books, but had so many bookshelves along whatever blank wallspace I had left that the upstairs and downstairs hallways were reduced to 24" wide? And that I crammed more than one walk-in closet full of random junk, closed the door, and then put a fully-loaded bookcase in front of the door (that was not removed until I was moving out)?
A little over four years ago, I moved to another, larger city. I bought another house, and got rid of massive quantities of junk I'd accumulated at the previous house. I'd say I ditched maybe 80% of my belongings, most of it rubbish, and I felt good about it. I was determined to get a new start. I'd learned my lesson, and I was finally going to conquer my acquisitive, packrat tendencies.
Wrong again.
Granted, I have been less acquisitive. I used to compulsively shop at thrift stores, but in the last four years I think I've set foot in one maybe half a dozen times. Since I'm no longer buying inventory for a used book business, I don't hit garage sales or estate sales, either. So the amount of incoming junk and books has been drastically reduced. But I still can't resist picking up cool free furniture left in the alley--furniture that sits around, taking up space, waiting for me to get around to refinishing or reupholstering it (which I can't do because the clutter's too severe).
There are two rooms in my house that are so cluttered I have a hard time navigating through them, and a third that is getting close. But for the most part, the floor is still visible, and I am not reduced to trails yet. There is nothing on the stairs. There is no rotting food anywhere (though occasionally things go bad in the fridge or in the kitchen sink, and stay there for prolonged periods).
There are heaps of books and laundry in my room, including on one side of my bed, but the bathroom is reasonably clean. The kitchen is vile, the catbox situation is not always great, and the nifty Dyson vacuum I bought when I moved doesn't get much of a workout. I don't always remember to take out the recycling, and sometimes it will accumulate for weeks. I have no rats (except in the garage) or roaches, but I do get flies in the summer--so there are flyspecks everywhere.
I thought things would change for the better in this house, and in some ways they have. Yet in other ways they haven't; I'm still stuck in the same trap, and have ended up back in squalor again.
This has to stop.
I'm determined to make a major career change and move back to San Francisco in two years' time. But the thought of moving back to my favorite city, and embarking on a fabulous, exciting new phase of my life, only to drift stupidly back into squalor yet again--that scares me.
I don't clean because I don't think about doing it, even as I recognize the overwhelming need to do it. It's as if I have a gap in my neural wiring that fails to link up the observation: "The floor needs vacuuming!" with a rational decision: "I'll do it right now; the vacuum is here in the hall closet." Instead I get stuck in observing that there are clouds of cat hair drifting along the baseboards, and that they are disgusting--without ever getting the message that I ought to actually do something about it.
And on the occasions when I realize that I should do something about it, I almost always push the idea aside, postponing it for later. After all, there is always something more compelling to do than clean--read a book, make artwork, waste time on the Internet, watch TV, go for coffee, take a nap...anything but clean.
So it's time to train myself to actually think about cleaning, and to act on those thoughts when I have them. I can slip into indifference and unawareness so easily, and I need to learn how not to do that--I need to learn how to be engaged with my environment. To do that, I started a blog at LiveJournal where I can write about what I'm doing and thinking as I work through this, and i joined this community. Maybe if I finally open up and discuss my "dirty secret" with others, it will help me become more aware.
Okay, I've rattled on long enough--time for bed...
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Post by Sapphire on Oct 21, 2008 8:22:38 GMT -5
I already welcomed you on another thread (Which degree are/were you? I think). But I want to welcome you again! And congratulate you for making this step!! And I've just read your journal too!! Good for you!!!  As you said, take a small acheivable step at a time, and those steps will gradually become bigger and more noticeable! I'm with you!!!  |
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Post by messymimi on Oct 21, 2008 18:06:45 GMT -5
Welcome, nomoresqualor  !
The gap in neural wiring you describe is an unfortunate trait I also possess. I am trying to overcome it by sheer force of establishing habits -- just doing things one after another without having to think much about them.
It can be an uphill battle at times, but you have a wonderful goal to shoot for. Let it motivate you when you run out of steam.
I'm glad you are here.
messymimi
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saveit
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 18
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Post by saveit on Oct 21, 2008 21:20:48 GMT -5
Nomoresqualor Thank you for sharing...I have a very similar story. I have gone for periods where I do keep things clean and then eventually get very dirty and messy. I also thought that when I moved into a beautiful new big house that it would get better and now it is worse than before. I cant seem to get started. I usually just look around and get discouraged. I am picking up trash little by little. Tomorrow I want to tackle the refrigerator. Saveit
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Post by crazycatlady on Oct 21, 2008 21:27:03 GMT -5
Welcome, No More Squalor! Your home sounds messy, but very interesting!
Did you know that you can list items on Craigslist and sell them without fixing them first? Or just set a few items out at the curb each week, the day after trash day, with a sign that says "free". Let someone else have the pleasure of that un-finished piece of furniture!
I'm certain that you will find plenty of help here. I think many of us struggle with your example of the cat hair on the baseboards. In fact, that is one way that this forum (and the one before it Squalor Survivors) helped me so much. I learned that other people had dreamy thoughts about things, too. And I found out that it is possible to learn a new response to these little messes. For me, a big one was cat barf. I always saw the cat barf. I thought about it. I didn't want it to lay there on my carpet. I thought about it the next time I saw it.
It took some time to make the change, but now when I see cat barf, I don't think about it much. I either clean it up, or ask a kid to clean it up. It sounds like a small thing, but each little thing that I stopped thinking endlessly about, and started doing, meant a little bit more peace in my life. And less time thinking about cat barf and cat (and dog) fur tumbleweeds!
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No More Squalor
New Member
Breaking my dirty habits once and for all...
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 34
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Post by No More Squalor on Oct 22, 2008 16:43:35 GMT -5
Thank you, everyone (and Sapphire twice)! You can't see how much I just nodded at that in recognition, but believe me--I know exactly how that feels. I've had more "Oh, god--where do I start? There's just too much!" days than I care to think about. Having a big goal--to move back to San Francisco and have a fabulous life there, like I've always dreamed about--was part of the reason why I decided it's time to overcome this behavior once and for all. But the other thing that triggered it (and I didn't realize this until yesterday) was seeing this thread after a friend linked to it on her LiveJournal. That thread? That's my worst nightmare. It's not even so much the mess, as it is someone coming into my home and seeing the full extent of the squalor and having my "dirty secret" exposed. That this person not only took pictures of this woman's apartment, but also posted them online for the whole world to gawk at, makes it even worse. And yeah, I was grossed out by a lot of the stuff in those photos. My squalor has never included rotting food beyond the kitchen, and I don't smoke. But in a lot of ways, that could be my last house, during the last four years I lived there--just replace Whataburger cups and fast-food bags with books and stray bits of rubbish and art supplies and old magazines, and it's the exact same thing. The thought of going back to that level of squalor scares me. But that lady down in Texas? I can't judge her or make fun of her; we are sisters in squalor, after all. I see that, and I see someone in an awful lot of pain. I'll bet she looked around at that mess and wondered, "What am I going to do? How do I even start?" Maybe, like me, anxiety over her squalor has kept her awake nights, or made her go tense every time the doorbell rings, or forced her to keep family and friends at a distance. And people were laughing about how she has the ironing board set up amid all that filth and clutter, but it broke my heart to see it--I know what it's like to struggle to keep your public self together when your private life is awash in chaos. At any rate, I think that picking up trash "little by little" is as good a way to start as any. You've got to start somewhere, right? We didn't get into these messes in one day, and we sure aren't going to get out of them in one day, either. So just keep going, a little at a time. I live in an older neighborhood that has alleys, and people routinely leave free stuff out. I don't think a day goes by that there isn't something out there, and it's usually gone within hours; only things like old sofas and mattresses end up languishing out there for any length of time. I've already used the alley giveaway system to get rid of a wire shelf that was my catch-all by the back door (after scrubbing months' worth of dried-on cat pee from it  ). I've also ditched a lot of worthless books that way, so I do use it. It's just getting over my old mindset of "but I really want to refinish/reupholster that!" and getting things out into the alley that is my downfall. For now, though, I'm going to set aside those pieces of furniture in a separate room and focus on more general clutter problems around the house. Once I've got a handle on the stacks of old magazines, junk mail, books, and other rubbish, maybe I'll finally have the space to tackle refinishing jobs, and will have found all the tools and supplies I need to do them. And if not, I can get rid of it at a later time. Right now, I'm focusing on tasks where, when I look at them, I immediately say, "Yes! I can do that!" If I feel resistance to a job, I put it aside in favor of something I know I can do, because keeping my momentum going is the big thing right now. |
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polexia
New Member
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 18
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Post by polexia on Oct 23, 2008 11:28:10 GMT -5
Hello, all! I'd just pick up and move every time a place got too filthy Holy, can I ever relate to that! |
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