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Post by becki on Oct 28, 2008 9:16:30 GMT -5
Hi, I was directed here after posting on an Organizational Board. I am currently living in a house that I cannot stand to go into because of the mess and clutter. Most days after I drop the kids at school I find an excuse to drive somewhere else so I don't have to go back to the house. I am a "packrat". That is what my mom calls me, says it runs in the family and I get it from her dad. He collects everything. I don't so much have colllections as I just save things. I used to worry a lot about not being able to survive a major catastrophe: war,tornado, blizzard, and would stockpile everything. Paper for burning, clothes for layering, etc. I could come up with a reason(excuse) to keep anything. Ten years ago my sister died, and my parents emptied her house into mine for sentimental attachment reasons I am sure. I don't need all this stuff....I don't want all this stuff...but I can't get rid of it either. We spend way to much money eating out because the kitchen is dirty and there are no clean dishes. Why can't I just wash them???!!! There are clothes all over the floor. Why can't I just pick them up and put them in the washer? !!! Everyday I look at them and promise myself that I will start SOMETHING, but I just look, and then don't...and then I just leave.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Oct 28, 2008 9:37:45 GMT -5
- Welcome! Hundreds of us have posted very many similar things over the years (here and at our prior forum). The good news is that many of us have recovered by slowly learning new ways of living. There is hope! Here is a cyber-hug for you
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Post by lilith on Oct 28, 2008 10:00:58 GMT -5
Welcome! I am so sorry about your sister. It must have been very hard on you and your parents. I too, have had to contend with inherited items. For me, they are weirdly comforting and a problem at the same time.
I am also a hoarder and from a family of hoarders. You will be amazed at how this place helps you. Read as much as you can and when you are ready pick up a trash bag and walk around and pick up obvious trash. You can part with some of the paper for burning as it continues to come in to the house.
You will find that that the why is a complex question but you will also find that you will change just by being here. Your days of being helpless and alone are over. Try to keep posting-it helps. You are going to be OK.
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Oct 28, 2008 11:18:21 GMT -5
Welcome to the board! Like Lilith said, we are all in the same boat with you. If you keep reading you will find out why you can't just wash the dishes or pick up the trash. For me it is demand resistance, which means that you avoid doing the things that you HAVE to do, or SHOULD do. As you post and read you will start to get a better idea of what your personal issues with squalor/hording/etc, are. Try squalorsurvivors.com, it is an amazing site that started before this one and has very helpful information.
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Post by notsomessyshell on Oct 28, 2008 13:12:33 GMT -5
Welcome! I am a messy and my hubby is a hoarder. When his gramma passed away he took a lot of her stuff for sentimental reasons. But they are really not doing us any good. It is just stuff piled under more stuff under even more stuff. It is terribly depressing. But I came here and with little baby steps am reclaiming my life from stuff! I cleaned off my kitchen table. A huge accomplishment for me. Now I am maintaining it and adding a little bit more. I did the walk around picking up papers thing, too. I used one of the little grocery bags and I was amazed at how fast I was able to fill it up. I did several that day. You can do this!
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Post by skatters on Oct 28, 2008 13:25:08 GMT -5
Welcome Hiding! You are definitely in the right place. Take a look around, and absorb what you read. You will find that many of us are in a similar situation. I can't relate too much to the hoarding aspect (but many can) as I am a messy. But can you start with the stuff you know is garbage? The obvious stuff... food wrappers, pop cups, etc...
You may want to try Listzilla... it is a wonderful motivating tool. I use the working in threes (WIT) thread to post in. You simply do three things - like picking up three fast food wrappers - then you post them on the thread. It may seem like it is so little... but it is NOT. For me, I can work up to a whole garbage sack full of crap.
Regarding dishes... what if you piled them all on the floor (or someplace similar) and wash just what you need to cook dinner? Then when you wash the used dinner dishes, add two or three extras. Then keep on like this...
Again... WELCOME! You are among friends here.
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Post by Arid on Oct 28, 2008 14:46:49 GMT -5
I fight the urge to hoard on a daily basis. I found a suggestion in one of Don Aslett's books to be very, very helpful. That is, I choose a number of how many of a given item that it is reasonable to keep on hand. For example, in my food pantry, I have decided that for most items, I don't need to keep more than six at any given time: six cans of tomato soup, six cans of pineapple, six cans of pork and beans, etc. If I use one can, I buy ONE can to replace it with, OR I wait for the item to go on sale again; after all, I've still got FIVE more cans. It's not like I'm going to run out of the item tomorrow! Also, when something goes on sale--for example, 10 for $10.00, I know longer feel compelled to buy 10 of the items at one time. I only buy however many I need to bring my count back up to six. I've been doing this for the past five years or so, and it really, really has helped.
Now, it is highly likely that you don't even realize how many of certain things that you have. This is where putting like things with like helps a lot. I hoard books, but now that I've gotten a bunch of new bookcases and I have filled them up, even *I* have to admit that it is getting to be time for me to adopt the "one in, one out" rule. That is, if I bring a new-to-me book into the house, I'm going to have to donate one of my other ones. Enough is enough!!
That, perhaps, is the crux of the problem for many of us: we don't know what "enough" is! That's why arbitrarily choosing a number of items to keep is so helpful. It is a set rule of what is "enough." I don't have to keep wondering on a minute-by-minute basis, "do I have *enough*?!" I have a rule to guide me. The beauty of it is, it's not "written in stone." If I find that I want to keep only 4 of one kind of item, but 8 of another, I can do that, too. I can adjust the *rule* to what works best for my household.
I've learned not to save EVERY cardboard box that comes into the house, every newspaper, every empty cottage cheese container. To ease myself into this mode, I started out by allowing myself to save only every other one. Now, I only keep cardboard boxes when I have an immediate need for them. I've learned, as someone else mentioned, that there always seem to be more coming on a fairly frequent basis. If I find that I need one and I don't have it, there ARE ways to get one: I could ask for a box at a grocery store; I could buy a box at a moving and storage place; I could buy a storage box at an office store; I could ask a friend or relative for one--the list goes on and on. The important thing is that I have learned not to *panic* at the thought of NOT being prepared for any and every eventuality.
I had had drilled into me: be prepared; God helps those who help themselves; we have a moral obligation to be good stewards of everything that comes our way, etc. This kind of thinking caused me to hang on to every little thing--even to my own detriment. I have since learned that I can have faith that my needs WILL be met. So far, they always have been.
Give it a try. I still have a LONG way to go at decluttering, but at least I've managed to cut down (about 80 to 90%, I'd guess) on bringing new "junk" into the house. I no longer buy something just because "it's on sale; it's a great deal!; my girlfriend *might* need it", etc. It has made a HUGE difference in containing the problem.
Welcome to the board.
Arid
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Post by messymimi on Oct 28, 2008 20:06:43 GMT -5
Welcome, hidingfromhouse !
It's hard to hide from the house when you are a SAHM; even harder when you homeschool . So you have my sympathy. I would also often love to be anywhere but here at home.
There are many ways to start, but do yourself a favor and follow some of the advice others have given and start. Anywhere. Keep that promise to yourself. Each time you keep that promise you make to yourself, it will build your self-confidence and help you to do more and more until you get your house to where you are happy to be there.
messymimi
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Post by greenfuzz on Oct 30, 2008 10:10:19 GMT -5
Hello Hidingfromhouse, you are in the right place, all of us have tried to do the same hiding. I ate nearly all of my meals outside the apt because of my dishes, counter, fridge and general condition of my apt.
I really relate to the issue of stuff from beloved deceased relative. I lost my mom rather suddenly nearly 6 years ago. I could not bear to throw out many things. Also her mother had died less than a year prior and she was in the process of clearing out her things from where she was living in another state not nearby at all. I ended up putting most of the material in paid storage or with friends. I'm glad at least it's not in the house. I have only slowly gone through it and let go of things but pay $99 a month to keep it all. I still struggle with holding on sentimentally to things in my house that belonged to my mom but that I don't use.
I no longer struggle with "why" I am the way I am, (there are a million reasons I'm sure). I just try to take small actions to change my behavior and know I don't have to be perfect, or get to the level of a truly neat person. I just need to get to a normal human level.
My suggestion would be to not address your sisters belongings first off, and to work on that stuff a little bit at a time so it doesn't get too emotional. I agree with others that getting bags of trash out is the easiest, and is quite satisfying and immediately improves your living environment significantly.
I find I can most easily get rid of my mom and grandmothers stuff at street sales with my friends. Even if I make just $1 on things I let go of, I find I am much more able to do that than throw certain sentimental things away. Donating clothes is a good idea too.
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Post by crazycatlady on Oct 31, 2008 17:34:19 GMT -5
Welcome, HidingFromHouse. I'm so glad that you have found us. You have gotten some great advice. One of the best things about this board is having friends who understand, and can give you some pointers. Keep reading, and keep posting.
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Post by heylady1 on Nov 15, 2008 7:07:13 GMT -5
Welcome! Hidingfromhouse! You have my deepest condolences on the passing of your sister . That must have been terribly hard on you and your family! I can certainly understand how difficult it must be to deal with the things your sister owned...the dilemma of keeping or getting rid of it is so much harder when emotions are attached. I would suggest that instead of trying to keep everything of hers, perhaps you only keep one or two items that you know she loved instead. That way you could let go of the rest, reclaim your space and yet you would have something to remember her by. Some people here have taken photos of the items to keep as a rememberance instead of having to keep the actual item. Whatever works for you!! Believe me, I do understand how difficult it is to give something up. I'm a hoarder too or maybe I should say a 'recovering hoarder'! Slowly but surely I am learning to let things go thanks to this site. Sometimes just reading about other people's triumphs are enough to motivate me to do something. It has also changed my way of buying things as now I take a minute to think "do I really, really need or want that?" Usually I find that I don't! I also have a "we might need this someday" kind of mentality. Sometimes this is true but sometimes I have realised it is incorrect thinking because some items will become so outdated as to be useless. Others will be so old and nasty from being neglected in the closet they become unusable. When you are ready to start thinning your stuff down, I would recommend your local craigslist as a good way to sell or give away items. Just yesterday I put an ad on there for a reptile tank with lid/stand/lamp and I've got someone coming over today to buy it! You can do this
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Post by shabbychic on Nov 20, 2008 13:04:23 GMT -5
On one of those "clean house" shows, don't remember which one, a family member had passed away and a lot of the clutter was his things that couldn't be gotten rid of. The cleaners asked each person to choose one item that belonged to the loved one, that was the most significant to them. Then they created a "shrine" with those belongings and some photos. Would something like that work for you?
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