obliquity
New Member
Creating room for personal growth...
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 57
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Post by obliquity on Oct 18, 2014 16:57:59 GMT -5
Hi everyone The Five Love Languages thread (item: Receiving gifts) made me wonder: How do you perceive receiving/giving gifts, while struggling with clutter? Several months ago I realized that I have way too many things. All these possessions make me feel uneasy, I feel they are weighing me down. I then started to buy fewer things (with some decision-related fits of amnesia in terms of clothes). But then, while lurking here, I realized that my main problem were the objects I had received as gifts. To them, I feel emotionally attached, and it's not easy to get rid of them (although meanwhile, I've also started this process) without having a bad conscience. Since that realization, I have felt anxious with regard to gifts I was going to receive. And I remember that even before that, there was a certain ambiguity when somebody gave me a gift. I appreciated the deed, of course, I appreciated the idea -- but at the same time I dreaded the question where to put this new, additional item. Now I've started asking my people to refrain from giving me gifts. Last week I started with my "worst" (only in this regard! She actually is a really wonderful person...) friend. I sent her an e-mail, asking to do without giving gifts in the future. I have several gifts she gave me that I really cherish. And now, that stuff is moving out of my apartment, they become more visible! But I don't need any more items from her. And her reply showed me that she is really a wonderful friend. I'm also awkward in giving gifts (as a love language, "giving/receiving gifts" would probably be something like Chinese for me ). In extremely few cases, I have a really good idea for someone, and then I give that gift with great joy, irrespective of whether there's a birthday or any other occasion. But the really difficult ones are the timed ones, like birthday gifts or Christmas gifts. Only a few days ago I realized that this is probably part of my demand resistance (also something I learned here!) -- as soon as such a date is approaching, my mind goes blank, and I only think "I should buy a birthday present...". And right while I'm racking my brain about a gift, there's this feeling: "This will be yet another item in a household that already has everything, probably superfluous..." a feeling of futility, which does not add to my gift-purchasing vigor... What is your approach to this issue? Is it an issue for you? Thanks for reading!
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Post by dtesposito on Oct 18, 2014 17:21:34 GMT -5
I stopped giving gifts some time when I was in my 30s. I had always given gifts to friends and family, and after my parents were both dead, my sister and I would spend a lot of money on each other for Christmas and birthdays. It got to be stressful, because I spent too much money, could never think of what to buy, I would wonder if the other person was spending more on me than I was on them, then afterwards I would have a bunch of stuff--some of which I liked and used, much of which I did not. It felt wasteful and wrong, so I announced it to people well ahead of the holiday season so no one would already have purchased a gift for me, and I worded it in such a way that I blamed lack of funds--I said that things were financially tight and that I would love to still exchange cards, but could we stop getting gifts for each other. One or two people objected, and bought me stuff anyway for a couple of years. I would thank them but not give them anything in return, eventually they stopped.
I think gifts are great if you happen to see something perfect and unique that you think someone will love, and just get it for them for no special reason. And for kids it's different. But when gifts are "scheduled" I think it gets silly--you feel obligated to spend a certain amount even if you can't afford it, and it becomes a chore, an obligation, rather than a joy to give something to someone. At that point, why not just each keep your own money, buy what you want with it (or pay a bill!) and eliminate the stress. I think some people would be happy that someone else brought it up first!
On this particular forum, we also have the issue of "gifts" coming from other people who shop too much--often at thrift stores--and who bring all their excess to us because they don't want to clutter up their house with it but can't bring themselves to stop shopping!
I don't think anyone should feel obligated to keep something just because it was a gift. Whether it was stuff dropped off from someone who's transferring all their junk to your house, or a carefully chosen gift you just don't like or can't use. Think about it--no one could possibly have room to keep every single thing everyone gives to them over years and years. It's okay to get rid of gifts.
By the way, I can't tell you how much my enjoyment of the holiday season increased once I stopped the pressure of shopping for gifts!
Diane
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Post by papermoon on Oct 18, 2014 19:15:34 GMT -5
You can continue the pleasure of exchanging gifts without hurting anybody's feelings by simply saying well beforehand that you've realized you have "too much stuff" (believe me, all your friends can relate to this, it's universal)... then go on to suggest that you exchange only consumable gifts from now on. List a few of your favorites as suggestions.. a pound of your favorite coffee, or candy, or lotion, etc. Ask your friends for lists of their favorite consumables. You will flatter them if you can already name a few of their favorites.
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Post by razy on Oct 18, 2014 19:24:30 GMT -5
I have a good friend and our birthdays are a few days apart. For years now we have been buying our own birthday presents then telling the other person what they have got for us. It works really well.
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Post by Script on Oct 18, 2014 20:06:03 GMT -5
In my family we exchange token gifts only, mostly consumable. Also gift cards and donations.
But I had a full bore breakdown which ended with me in SERIOUS therapy, more meds, mega-lifestyle changes ..... Because of various thoughtless gifts received at Xmas time last year. From a thoughtless friend who doesn't understand hints....
My solution for 2014 Xmas will be to open gifts with a recycle bin and Charity Giveaway bag beside me
My mental health is more important than gifts clutter and stuff I don't need from people I don't like. etc
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Post by PaperGrace on Oct 18, 2014 21:03:50 GMT -5
In addition to consumables I like to suggest Experiential Gifts--gift certificates for restaurants or massage, tickets to something, a membership at the museum, etc... etc... and since I like to 'do up' gifts, when I give them I like to package them in a fun way. It helps me feel like I'm giving a fun gift if I package movie tickets with some traditional theatre candies (whoppers, raisinets, etc...) in a pop corn tub; or a gift certificate for a pedicure with some cheap flip-flops that I've decorated for the occasion. I feel weird exchanging gift cards with people otherwise, it seems like a money swap.
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obliquity
New Member
Creating room for personal growth...
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 57
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Post by obliquity on Oct 19, 2014 3:01:43 GMT -5
Thank you for your comments and your beautiful ideas! But I had a full bore breakdown which ended with me in SERIOUS therapy, more meds, mega-lifestyle changes ..... Because of various thoughtless gifts received at Xmas time last year. From a thoughtless friend who doesn't understand hints.... I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, Script! Absolutely! You have to protect yourself; this is the most important thing. I'm glad that you have found a way to deal with this! Consumables, token gifts, tickets, experiences, buying our own gifts in exchange, donations -- all these are wonderful ideas for giving gifts without giving objects that would re-clutter my apartment. So my first priority would be "no gifts at all", and if someone feels really uneasy with this solution, I could suggest one of those. Because my dream constellation would be going without any gifts -- at least for some time. Since over the years my emotions toward gifts have become quite complex and confusing, abstinence, without bad conscience, would feel like the best solution to me right now. And then, after a period of stabilization (and further decluttering my apartment), I could reconsider the matter.
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Post by rededen on Oct 20, 2014 1:07:53 GMT -5
You know something, Darl? I now ask that if anybody wants to give me something it either has to be edible or potable (which means drinkable !! and with alcohol in it and bubbles) - champers, Darl, champers !! So I get that. Or a gift voucher from a book shop, so I can buy a book, a dvd (preferable on cooking or gardening); or, they go off to the pharmacist and buy me some nice French perfume.
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Post by lucie on Oct 20, 2014 5:23:41 GMT -5
Yes, consumables do the trick. In my family we either do wish lists, or ask for consumables. Well, even consumables are not foolproof either. Like when you ask for a chocolate, your sister knows very well that you love a bitter dark chocolate and gives you a pound of very sweet milk one. Or when my coleagues knew I do not like alcohol at all and gave me a box of alcohol filled chocolates. Script, I very well know a gift opening above a donation box. It happens to me too. obliquity I also dread recieving gifts now. Too many times I have had to pretend my joy while inwardly thinking "where wil I donate this".
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Post by cyn on Oct 20, 2014 6:02:29 GMT -5
I have trouble getting rid of gifts too, so I told my brother and sister that from now on, booze would make a great present - and my sister gave me a wonderful dark chocolate vodka martini for my birthday. Luckily, I'm over my bad habit of keeping the pretty bottles, or that would be a whole other problem, . I'm already feeling the pressure of the upcoming holiday gift exchange, and it's 2 months away!
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Post by angela on Oct 20, 2014 15:10:24 GMT -5
I have an entire bin of brand new things that I got as gifts...I regift with abandon. My family does get gifts for the kiddos and some special things for one another. I have had great luck buying shirts and sweaters for my parents despite the common wisdom that one should not buy clothing for another adult!
They wear what I get them and indeed, my stepdad's gift shirts from a couple of years ago are almost wore out!
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 21, 2014 10:53:35 GMT -5
Giving and receiving gifts....I do like receiving really thoughtful gifts. But as others pointed out at Christmas or birthdays what gifts are bought with that intention? Most are bought out of obligation...so why should the recipient attach any special emotional attachment to them? Most people have no idea what you do with the gift later anyway...and most of the time they don't care. And if someone gets angry because you don't use or donated a gift it's usually along the lines of being angry because they never really wanted to give you the gift anyway and they exerted effort for no reason.
I love the experiential gifts. One year I bought arcade tokens for the whole family. Sometime in January there were a 14 of us tearing the local arcade to shreds. One year my sister in law bought movie gift baskets from the local movie theater. Again 14 of us making a nuisance of ourselves. Whatever experiential gifts we give gather us all together again. It's wonderful.
Also, I don't attach emotional ties to anything not handmade. One year I made t-shirts in different colors. I stenciled each shirt with a letter from MERRY CHRISTMAS. I told everyone to put on their shirt and then unjumble the letters. Everyone was delighted. Then we went outside in the cold to take a family picture. The shirts get packed away for next year and we all have photos for our albums. So there were "things" and gifts but they had real meaning and they didn't add to day-to-day clutter. That was four years ago and my nieces, nephews, and inlaws talk about it every year.
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Post by immaculata on Oct 21, 2014 12:08:26 GMT -5
Good thread. When lucky enough to be receiving a gift, I thank the person sincerely and I don't feel guilty if I donate it to a charity shop or sell it afterward. I got the message that the person loves/likes me when I got the gift; I don't need to keep the item as proof. I am just careful not to sell or give it away when the person who gave it to me can see, as I don't want to hurt his or her feelings. And if I notice someone I gave a gift to getting rid of it, well, time to remind myself that it was the thought that counts. When giving gifts, I try to get something intangible (like one of those charity gifts, where the recipient gets a nice greeting card and some less fortunate person gets healthcare or food, for example) or something that can be used up. I wrote my first draft of a Christmas gift list the other day and I'm planning to get most people in my family 2015 calendars, Scotch whisky, or handmade soap. I'm planning to make a pact with my friends that we don't get each other anything this year; in previous years, we've had a pact to spend a maximum of five euro or to only get each other things that we have found or made.
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Post by PaperGrace on Oct 21, 2014 12:27:05 GMT -5
OMG! immaculata! How could I forget! We give Heifer International gifts from time to time! SIL gets a card, family somewhere gets a brace of geese, or a llama, or a share of a 'knitting basket' or bees! My favorite of the giftable charities! We've also done animal shelters local to the giftee, phone cards to servicemen/women overseas, and camps for disabled kids. These are especially great for your out of town loved ones. Of course sometimes it still feels like you're exchanging money. Also: micro loan sites like Kiva, or donating in someone's name to kickstarter/patreon campaigns for things/artists they really believe in!
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Post by lostchild on Oct 21, 2014 12:37:52 GMT -5
I try to only give gifts if necessary. For my two sons who are adults I will get something they will use but can't afford to buy for themselves like an expensive cologne or I will make their special meal and have their favorite friends there...party time.
For my disabled son I will get him his favorite toy and just purge as things fall out of favor. He got the idea to have a garage sale of some of his toys,we donated some of his old gifts and he gave his nephew some.
For my daughter I buy stuff and we purge as things fall out of favor and she trades something old for something new.
My mother I try to get useful things at Xmas and birthdays. Her favorite was a pair of designer sunglasses she still wears. Her least favorite gift silver trinket...she didn't want the polishing maintenance. I give sometimes notes of appreciation which I find my kids have kept for years.
I never feel obligated to do gifts except for children because many times I had friends who were so poor sometimes what I got was one of two gifts they received.
Sometimes being a good person to someone is a gift. Years ago I gave my time as a gift...free babysitting. Relatives loved it. They got a special free day. I have also given a special chore as a gift...this was literally a gift that gave back.
My mother asked me to organize and clean all of her handbags and told me I could keep any cash I found...I treated for dinner out and helped her financially because I found over three hundred dollars. We ate well and all her stuff was organized. I thought she'd take back what she said but let me keep the money. I was 14 at time.
Give time. Think of something you can do. For busy parents a free day with little ones taken care of is priceless.
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