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Post by papermoon on Nov 25, 2014 22:42:32 GMT -5
I've been going through some old papers, and I found a questionnaire I took, back in August 2012, when I was 40 pounds overweight. I wanted to change my habits and lose the weight on a new program, but part of the program's launch was filling out this questionnaire first.
In one section, it asked how I served as my own enabler for overeating. One of my answers was an eye-opener... about how I purposely used my squalor as my excuse for overeating. I wrote:
"I intentionally keep the kitchen completely dirty and messy so I have an excuse... it's too hard to fix a good meal. It's easier just to grab junk food."
I had never before admitted it to myself so bluntly. I *was* my own enabler! I loved my squalor because I loved my junk food. The squalor was my enabler. I intentionally lived like a pig so that I could eat like a pig.
When I realized that, things began to change for real. I lost the weight and I've kept it off. I'm cleaning my home and keeping it clean. I'm de-squaloring old papers like this questionnaire, and revealing some important truths to myself.
What about you? Does anyone else here "enjoy" the benefits that your squalor gives you?
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Post by angela on Nov 26, 2014 0:42:48 GMT -5
Hmm, I can say honestly that I've always hated my squalor but just have been incapable for a variety of reasons to clean it all the way up. However, I love my stuff! That's a fact, too much feels about right when it comes to possessions.  |
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Post by Irisheyes on Nov 26, 2014 6:24:48 GMT -5
That is really interesting, papermoon . I think it works the opposite for me with food and the kitchen. I like to cook, but rarely bother when it is only me at home. I tend toward rich foods and comfort food when I cook for my family. If my kitchen is not functional, I do eat out, but it tends to be more salads and "lite" meals that are healthier. Other squalor that could be enabling... Yes, I know I used to use it during my previous marriage. It started when I stopped cleaning up his messes any longer, or the messes he allowed the kids and pets to make while I was at work. It started out innocently enough, as a way to show him how much mess they made and how much work was involved to clean it up. He was supposed to be doing the cleaning during that time. Within a couple weeks it was really, really deep because he did nothing beyond washing enough dishes to eat from and enough clothing for him and the two youngest (toddlers) to wear. I tried to clean us out of what had become level 4 squalor (I kid you not) back to our comfortable and relatively clean home (usually about a 0.5). It was a losing battle. I think my experiment backfired badly, because he no longer made even half-hearted efforts as he had done previously. There was no digging out while someone was actively interfering, deliberately making messes and allowing the kids and pets to do whatever they wanted. He was "punishing" me for pointing out how bad it got when I didn't play housemaid, cook, laundress, childcare giver, homework helper, etc. I came home to ever-deepening destruction. Eventually, but fairly rapidly, I shut down. From that point on, I think I used the squalor to punish him in like fashion. He needed to pay for my frustration, hurt, anger at being worker bee, etc., and my newer embarrassment and abject feelings of futility at ever regaining my clean home. Ha. We all paid, very dearly.  I remember at one point, piling his side of the bed with things I was sorting, then leaving them there. He had no room in my bed. Luckily for him (but not our marriage), he also had another bedroom where he often slept to be away from household noise during the day when he worked nights. I squalored him right out of my room. There were other relationship issues besides the messes, but that became one of the few big things for me. It's embarrassing to admit I allowed my home to become and stay this way, to teach a lesson (not so bad), and then to punish ( much worse, hurting myself and my children). Icky thought stuff here. Someday, I might forgive myself for this. I am trying to make some amends to myself and my children, and keep moving all of us forward to a better place. I keep slipping, though. Old bad habits are hard to break. |
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Post by Irisheyes on Nov 26, 2014 6:32:16 GMT -5
Hmm, I can say honestly that I've always hated my squalor but just have been incapable for a variety of reasons to clean it all the way up. However, I love my stuff! That's a fact, too much feels about right when it comes to possessions. - I HATE my squalor, and LOVE a lot of my stuff, too. If I had my old, much larger house here, I would have lots of good space for it!  ! I must resign myself to the fact that I can't enjoy my things if I have nowhere to put them. I need to get past blaming my ex for my new need to purge things I love. After all, I could have stayed there where much of my things had proper homes, and watched them be ruined by really filthy squalor. Now, they are only dusty or still in boxes. ! |
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Post by cyn on Nov 26, 2014 8:47:00 GMT -5
The benefits I enjoy are: more time to do what I want, and isolation. Maybe that sounds very selfish? It's true, though. I don't want to clean, I'd rather do something else. So then when the house is too dirty to be acceptable, I'll say I don't want visitors. If I know someone is coming by, and I can't avoid it, then I'll clean in a panic - but it's never enough to get to the actual filth that's accumulated, and I feel guilty then. So the next time someone wants to come over, I'll make excuses to keep them away.
But, this is all 'how I was' and not 'how I'll be' in the future. Right now the 'how I am' is pretty hard, because I'm sick and tired, literally. When I'm in good health, I'm not as resentful about how time consuming and unrelenting this desqualoring is.
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Post by shabbychic on Nov 26, 2014 10:00:12 GMT -5
This is a great question and thread.
When I was a kid, our house was usually pretty clean (except our bedrooms, which is a whole different painful story). We got yelled at for making messes, as well as for breaking any one of many little unspoken rules (unspoken until we broke them) that changed daily. I can't recall any of my friends living in real squalor, but their homes ranged from "lived in" to quite messy. They were also warmer, friendlier places to be. I didn't have to walk on eggshells like I did at home. As an adult I have had a couple of friends who lived in true squalor, who were warm, loving people and great friends. Seeing things out of place, dust bunnies, kids' toys scattered, clothing on the couch etc says to me "relax, be yourself, make yourself at home." I have at times kept a level 0 house but it didn't feel comfortable to me. Plus since I'm not a gifted housekeeper it seemed like it took all my time. I'm more comfortable at a level .5 at least.
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Post by larataylor on Nov 26, 2014 10:15:52 GMT -5
I tend to believe that anything we endure for a long time is offering some kind of benefit, or we wouldn't endure it … unless it's something that really, truly cannot be changed. We may fight against it consciously, but it's serving some subconscious (probably destructive) agenda.
I felt totally helpless in squalor, depression, and poverty ... I felt like I was doing everything I could to escape the trap … but maybe I had a subconscious agenda to hide from the world and give up on life. I think these agendas have a lot more power when we're not conscious of them, so it's good to get them out of their hiding places.
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Post by larataylor on Nov 26, 2014 10:32:35 GMT -5
shabbychic - .5 doesn't seem so bad. Maybe that's perfect for *you* if it feels comfortable, and you can maintain that level. I want minimal things in the house, so it's quick and easy to clean, tidy up, and find things. But I don't care if the minimal stuff is scattered around a bit! I want my home to feel comfortable, and I certainly don't want to intimidate other people with it. Sometimes I'd like to inspire people … if they're impressed by the cleanliness compared with their own home, I will tell them something about how I struggled to get here, and what worked. But I don't want anyone to walk into my home and judge themselves as inferior … you all know what I mean ...
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Post by joyinvirginia on Nov 26, 2014 11:52:11 GMT -5
I love this thread! Really interesting concept.
I find cleaning and maintenance generally BORING. its more fun to read a book, play with the dog, doing something with dds or dh, and so on. I LIKE having clean clear spaces. That is why working in threes helps me, I can post that I am doing specific task, come back when its done. It kind of makes the boring stuff into a game.
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Post by larataylor on Nov 26, 2014 17:31:08 GMT -5
@joyinvirgina - I mentioned on a>other thread that I painted two THE of furniture that had chipped veneer, matching the veneer color as closely as I could. When I showed it to DD, she couldn't tell what I'd done. That really brought home to me how much people notice what's wrong and don't notice what's right in the house.
Making boring tasks into a game helps, but I also think the acknowledAZgment helps. Being able to brag about THI23 (DARN CAT) um … these little day-to-day accomplishments and be acknowledged for doing them helps me a lot.
I'm not editing this post so you can all see what I put up with.
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Post by angela on Nov 27, 2014 0:24:51 GMT -5
I've been thinking more about your question papermoon. Thinking of benefits. I guess what I am experiencing about this question is, if there is a part of me that loves my squalor, it is buried deep in a non-verbal part of my psyche. Any feeling that I can put words too say I hate my squalor. Unfortunately, I also sometimes hate and resent the necessity of cleaning and maintenance. These dueling hatreds create a lot of stress and tension for me.  |
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Post by razy on Nov 28, 2014 0:57:55 GMT -5
I hate and resent the repetition of maintenance too. And I hate that the things that are done aren't noticed but the things that aren't are. I hate the pointlessness of cleaning things that are already clean (I vacuumed last week ![]()  [/img]). I guess not cleaning benefits me by not having to feel the frustration and resentment - unfortunately I feel a whole range of other equally unpleasant emotions if I don't do it. I often wonder if I live in a mess because I think I deserve to - as simple as that. I not sure how that benefits me... One benefit of living in squalor, for me, is that it keeps people out of my home. And it keeps me busy. In my mind, I can't do anything until I've cleaned up my mess so I don't have many hobbies, or try new things or go many places. Maybe my mess keeps me safe. I think this is saying something about my mess getting in the way of me taking risks and/or making the most of my potential. |
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Post by anewleaf on Nov 29, 2014 8:33:04 GMT -5
Squalor allows me escapism from an environment that I really don't want to be in. Right now, our new living environment (that hasn't been updated since it was built in the 90s) is smack in the middle of a neighborhood with all the noise that destroys my nerves and is overwhelmed by boxes and boxes of stuff from storage, as well as scattered furniture and decorative pieces.
I spend most of my time online (when I'm not working). I'd love to once again have nature at my backdoor, but I can't even step out without being surrounded by houses and people from every possible angle.
Really, I have so little motivation. WHY should I make the effort? We don't own the place (and d@mn sure wouldn't want to!) And it's so poorly designed, it's nightmare to try and figure out or locate the things that would make storing certain things possible (such as a pantry cabinet). WHY should I try to beautify my environment, by doing things like painting the walls, when I have poop brown carpet as far as the eye can see? I'm kidding myself if I think I can find enough area rugs to cover it all.
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Post by cyn on Nov 29, 2014 12:20:20 GMT -5
WHY should I try to beautify my environment, by doing things like painting the walls, when I have poop brown carpet as far as the eye can see? I'm kidding myself if I think I can find enough area rugs to cover it all. Anewleaf, I understand how a noisy neighbourhood and lack of privacy would make your home unwelcome, from the outside. But the interior is all yours to make into a haven, just for you. I had the opportunity to take possession of the old worn-out carpet removed from my DB's new house. Oh, it was a hideous mint green! But it went perfectly with this: www.muralspro.com/forest-wall-mural-decoration-room/mountain-stream-in-a-forest-wall-mural/Actually, that's not the identical mural - mine's by National Geographic - but the idea's the same. I could have installed a window, but I didn't want to look right into my neighbour's bedroom, ha. Plus, it's installed on my back porch - so the carpet was put there for function only, to wipe the mud off my dogs' feet. But I really love how the carpet blends in with the moss shades of my mural! I'd never have thought it would turn out so nice. Maybe you could find something similar, a forest setting, or something - to bring out the browns from the carpet, and use it to your advantage? |
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Post by dtesposito on Nov 29, 2014 15:03:32 GMT -5
Wow Cyn, talk about taking lemons and making lemonade--great way to make the best of what you have. Anewleaf, I have lots of problems with my condo, and can't afford to fix them. There are glaring issues that mean no matter how hard I work, the place will never look good. But I've realized there's a whole range between "perfect" and "complete and total disgusting pit", and although I'll never be near the perfect end, I don't want to be near the other end either! So I'm trying my best to clean up what I can.
I can't think of any benefit of squalor itself. The benefit of almost never cleaning is that I have plenty of time to do things that are more interesting, fun, educational, etc. Is that enough of a benefit to make it okay to live in a dirty house--I guess it has been in the past, but I'm changing the way I feel about that.
As far as keeping too many things, the rewards are feeling like I'll be prepared for an emergency because I'll have what I need, that I'll save money because I'll have everything and not need to buy anything, and my own personal issue--being the hero, having anything that anyone else might need in the future too. It took me many years to really understand that these reasons are mostly not accurate. I don't save money because I can't find the things I need when I need them (or they've been ruined) and over the years, very, very few people have needed anything in my hoard. And in return for the perceived benefits, the price is very high, in all sorts of ways.
Diane
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