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Post by italianlady on Feb 20, 2015 13:25:36 GMT -5
I don't know if it's ok to ask this, and if it's not please tell me. I'm wondering where everyone is at regarding cleaning, clutter, mess, etc. I tend to think that everybody except for the one thread where I've commented in the blog area that everybody has got their places cleaned up and is talking about keeping them that way. I'm sure it's not so that is why I'm asking.
For those of you in maintenance how long did it take you to get there, how long have you been in it, and have you had problems staying in it? Do you feel overwhelmed when you have a set back like I did and do you blow it out of proportion like I did with mine? It will take me one day to get it back to normal here but in my mind it feels like it will take weeks and shovels and dumpsters and all that, but it won't. Is that normal to feel that way in your experience or reading about it from other people?
For those of you trying to get it cleaned up, how long have you been working on it and how long do you think it will take? Do you have a system, and what is it? Do you have clutter or mess or both? If you have lots of stuff to get rid of do you use Freecycle or Craigslist free stuff to get people to come get it or do you take it to thrift stores or do you just throw it out and forget about it? When I did big clean ups in the past I had stuff I could have donated and even sold but I didn't want to take all that time and trouble and slow myself down so I just threw it away. I didn't feel bad about not donating things because thrift stores aren't ever really out of stock of anything but I did feel a little bad about losing the chance to make some extra money but overall I think it was the best decision because it was worth more to me to have the space back than the amount of money I would have gotten from the stuff I got rid of that was there. Then again, I didn't have a lot of stuff that was worth very much. I did have some nice things that were ruined from just being in that big mess and I tried to clean up some of them but they were just too far gone.
I imagine most of you as having clean houses now so that is why I asked.
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Post by reb on Feb 20, 2015 13:34:43 GMT -5
italianladySure, I think that's a good question to ask Some parts of my place are at maintenance. Bathroom, front hall, part of the kitchen. The rest is rather disastrous. The living room has bins and boxes [I've been here almost 2 years and never unpacked all my stuff due to my hatred of this place and desire to move] and the bedroom is cluttered. EVERYTHING in the front room pretty much needs a solid cleaning out. So it's kind of a mixup right now. I don't waste time on donating or selling other than the fellow in the garage below the building that collects electronic parts. I save the occasional bit for him. The donation bin near me is always packed up so no point in even putting stuff there. Besides, I tend to wear stuff 'til it dies. So, like you--I just chuck it all in the trash. My last place was mostly at maintenance until my landlord went berserk. Between that and moving here I lost all my good habits I'd learned off the flysters on FaceBook
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Post by dtesposito on Feb 20, 2015 14:21:00 GMT -5
Italianlady, we used to be able to do polls on this site, which was great--for some reason that function was taken away. But I'd love to hear everyone chime in with where they are in their efforts.
Maybe you get the impression that everyone's house is clean because the people who do post regularly and make lists are actually making efforts to clean it. But there are many people here at all stages--just starting out with very dirty houses, making some effort to clean, making regular effort to clean but not in a good routine yet, and those in maintenance.
Then there's the clutter aspect--those of us who hoard have a much, much harder time cleaning because you just can't keep piles of stuff clean. And the room around the piles of stuff!
My own situation is that I have reduced MOST of my clutter to amounts that I'm comfortable with (still some small areas to purge) and have just started serious efforts at cleaning. No actual routine yet, despite many attempts. But at least there are specific things I do now when I see that they're needed. I have a long way to go, although there are some days when I'm happy enough with the way the place looks to answer the door if someone knocks.
And while we're asking questions, I would also like to ask where people are with answering the door. If your place is cluttered/messy/dirty, do you always answer if someone knocks? Do you try to see who it is and only answer if it's someone you know well and who knows what your place looks like? Or do you always hide and pretend you're not home?
Diane
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Post by italianlady on Feb 20, 2015 14:36:02 GMT -5
My mother was a hoarder who had a few periods of neat and she cleaned out and threw out and kept it clean for an amount of time but then it got bad again and it was usually fast and always worse than it was before. She had a huge problem throwing anything away. It started with paper things, like paid bills and bank statements and went from there. Her parents had been packrats and had started by keeping all the old paperwork they may some day need and that spiraled out of control and they kept everything. My mother inherited that. She took it farther than they did and instead of keeping stuff she might one day need or use or things that could possibly be worth money one day and she kept garbage. She would literally get upset if you threw away actual trash. Empty cans and used tissue and all. I don't know what she thought she would need them for and she knew she would never need or use them and would admit it but would get very mad when I asked her why in the world I couldn't just put them in a bag and take them out to the garbage. She even did that with food in the fridge. She would keep moldy food in there and her answer about throwing it away was "I'm not ready to throw it away". I never understood that because the food was obviously ready to be throw away and I didn't see what her being ready had to do with it. Her feelings didn't alter the laws of biology that caused the food to spoil and spread to other food. I think because of her and what I grew up in I go to the opposite extreme about keeping things. I'm very quick to throw things out because I don't want to be like she was at all. That sounds mean but I don't mean it to be mean.
I know this is backwards of me but I can understand how somebody could let their home go for a long time and end up with a huge mess that takes days or weeks to clean but I can't understand how someone could have trouble throwing something they don't need or use away when they have the opportunity. I'm not saying something bad about those who can't do that because admittedly my problem is the grosser one. I can leave a litter box for weeks or walk around a big wet spot of carpet from dog pee for a month or two without even putting a towel over it when I'm in that mindset and most people would think "but why can't you just clean it up?" and I know they are right but it's very hard to start on it. I can clean up somebody else's horrible and overwhelming mess easily and then come home to my own that may not be as bad or as big and look at it and think "It's just too much". I guess I don't understand the psychology of it.
Are any of you hoarders who have a lot of things or even garbage that you have trouble throwing away? I'm asking that because even though she's gone and I don't have to worry about trying to find a way to get her out of the house if she's not in the hospital long enough for me to throw away her stuff so she doesn't get kicked out of her apartment anymore, but I'd still like to understand her way of thinking about it. I've seen people on the show agonize about throwing away actual garbage and things that were obviously trash but we never got to the sorting point with her. If it was there, it should stay there according to her. She also had the same mess factor that I do and would leave things in the kitchen to grow mold and maggots and could ignore them. She could do it for years at a time instead of months like me. I don't understand how I do it either but the situation I get in is I don't have the opportunity to clean or the motivation a lot of times, or the things to clean with. In my mother's situation she would have someone there ready and willing to do it for her, a daughter instead of strangers or someone she might feel embarrassed in front of and would angrily tell me to leave it where it was that was how she wanted it.
If anyone here does the same thing my mother did, would you please explain it to me if you can? I know it's hard for me to explain how my thinking is about my messes, but it's not hard to talk about it hard to figure our how to word it so somebody else can understand. I had asked my mother but she would tell me to hush and mind my own business, even when I lived with her and it was my own business because it effected every aspect of my life. I don't think she had an attachment to the garbage things, I can see how she might be paranoid about losing some paperwork that it was possible that she might really need but she would insist on throwing away even junk mail that she got that had been sent to her parents after they died, instead of a few pieces of paper that had handwritten things on them. In her later years she would insist on keeping bags of ugly clothing that was several sizes too big or small for her that a neighbor gave her when they cleaned out their closets. This was a neighbor she didn't even like so there wasn't even a sentimental attachment to things. She kept strange sentimental things too. She once had a cat that died of old age and instead of just putting his collar and some toys in a bag and putting it away after he died she actually wrapped up in a paper towel some poo she dug out of his litter box and put it in her dresser drawer where she kept her glasses and her rosary. That was one of the things I got rid of during one of the clean outs when she was in the hospital. I was scared that the bacteria might cause a problem because of her age and health.
I've read here that you should never do that to a hoarder but the times I cleaned out her place, there wasn't any other choice. It was clean it out or management would kick her out on the street, and since she was uncooperative about working with anybody it was the only thing I could do so she would still have a place to live. I was the only one who got the flack from it even though a lot of times my kids would have to come help me and we would all work on a different room so we could get it done in a couple of days. She would be furious at me and not talk to me for a few days which made it difficult for me to stay there and take care of her like I had to the first few days back at home out of the hospital but after that she would tell me thank you that it felt much better. I suppose what I'm trying to understand is was it a control thing where she wanted to feel like it really was up to her how she lived and it was maybe proving to herself that she could do what she wanted even though everybody else was saying she should do something differently or was it that she was really attached to actual trash, or is it more like you really start seeing things like that as important? I think I'm trying to understand it so hard because my mother was like that and now I don't have any way of ever knowing why, since she's dead. Is it like "This is my mess and I want to clean it so leave it alone and I'll do it when I can because it's overwhelming" which is how I feel about my mess, or is it actually thinking that something is important when it's not or is it an enviromental thing where you worry about the landfills and thrift where you feel bad about discarding something that someone else could use? Please don't take it like I'm saying something bad because I'm not. I've gotten into some messy situations myself that most people couldn't understand either, so I'm no better or worse than someone who has trouble getting rid of things and I only want to understand it because of how my mother was and how it really effect my life so much. I don't know if I would even see the mess I have now as being so important to me if I wasn't so "all or nothing" about the house. I think I probably get into the messes I do get into and let them last so long because I can overlook them by putting on those mental blinders I used to have to use all during my childhood and that can be a good thing when I need to focus on something else but it can also be a bad thing when I use my spare time for something besides trying to dig my way out of the situation I've got myself into.
And on a similar note are there any hoarders here who have an otherwise clean but cluttered home who just do not understand how somebody like me can let a mess go so long that it becomes utterly gross and even dangerous to live in? I can try to explain it the best I can if there are any. I don't mind at all, and I know it's not normal to be able to do that like I do, so I'm happy to try.
One more thing please, is it ok to talk here about growing up in situations like that and how it's affected us and influenced us and try to see a connection on how it's made us like we are? Do you think that growing up in a squalerous or hoarded home is something that would cause you to be more prone to living that way as an adult, and also on the flip side do you think that growing up with obsessively clean parents could cause someone to go in the opposite way and let their home go to the point of squalor? .
I didn't mean to go off in another direction all into the psychology of how we all go to where we are and what caused it, but caffeine has got my mind up and running even though my body hasn't followed suit yet.
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Post by dtesposito on Feb 20, 2015 15:19:02 GMT -5
Italianlady, there have been many discussions here about why we do the things we do, and the end conclusion is always that it's interesting to know why, and in some limited ways knowing why can help us change--but in most cases it doesn't have any effect on the behavior. So it's more productive to work on things like habits, and to approach it from a cognitive point of view. Starting right where you are and where you'd like to be, and what you have to do to get there.
All of the reasons you mentioned might be why your mother saved garbage--she might not have seen it as garbage, she might have seen it as something that someone else could use some day. Yes, even dirty kleenex--hoarder's minds are amazing in coming up with uses for things! She might have resented being told what to do so kept it just to have control and to show she could. She might have had the kind of inertia that we get when things get to a certain level--it feels like too much, so you don't do anything. Then it gets really bad, and even looking at the mess makes you feel ashamed or frightened, so you don't want anything to do with it. Or, one of a whole list of other reasons.
You'll probably never figure out the exact reasoning your mother used, but it helps to know that the reasoning can feel very strong to the person and they usually aren't doing it out of spite or in an attempt to harm you. So rather than trying to figure out her specific reasoning, you might want to work on the fact that you might have bad habits that are a result of the way she acted, but you can now step back and try to see them as something that you can work on in a practical way--no matter where they came from.
No matter how people try to explain differences between people as "mental illnesses", the truth is that we are a collection of things that happened to us over our lifetimes--nothing can change that, but we can concentrate on the work we have to do here and now. MANY of us here are proof that habits can change, attitudes can change, but that hard work is involved. All we can do is keep trying to make better lives for ourselves!
Diane
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Post by dtesposito on Feb 20, 2015 15:22:42 GMT -5
And on a similar note are there any hoarders here who have an otherwise clean but cluttered home who just do not understand how somebody like me can let a mess go so long that it becomes utterly gross and even dangerous to live in?
By the way, this is something that we all experience too. Any of us could go into another's home and "see" it, and find things that need to be done. Why can't we see the same things in our own home and feel the same way about them? Who knows! Maybe because we're used to it, it's our own mess so it isn't as gross, certain things seem less of a big deal to us.
But we've all had the experience of going into someone else's home and saying "why don't they get rid of that stuff" or "wow, that really needs to be cleaned".
Diane
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Post by bobolink on Feb 20, 2015 15:38:06 GMT -5
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 20, 2015 23:31:41 GMT -5
dtesposito said: "Italianlady, there have been many discussions here about why we do the things we do, and the end conclusion is always that it's interesting to know why, and in some limited ways knowing why can help us change--but in most cases it doesn't have any effect on the behavior. So it's more productive to work on things like habits, and to approach it from a cognitive point of view. Starting right where you are and where you'd like to be, and what you have to do to get there." I find this to be totally accurate. Knowing "why" is interestimg, but has little effect. I also fund that I gain more insight into the "why", while actually working on the mess.
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 20, 2015 23:33:54 GMT -5
And on a similar note are there any hoarders here who have an otherwise clean but cluttered home who just do not understand how somebody like me can let a mess go so long that it becomes utterly gross and even dangerous to live in?By the way, this is something that we all experience too. Any of us could go into another's home and "see" it, and find things that need to be done. Why can't we see the same things in our own home and feel the same way about them? Who knows! Maybe because we're used to it, it's our own mess so it isn't as gross, certain things seem less of a big deal to us. But we've all had the experience of going into someone else's home and saying "why don't they get rid of that stuff" or "wow, that really needs to be cleaned". Diane Books I have read on hoarding, state that I could clean up another hoarder's mess, but not my own, because of the emotional involvement with my own mess.
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Post by razy on Feb 21, 2015 0:21:44 GMT -5
italianlady there is a good chance your mother felt as confused and distressed about her hoarding behaviour as you. There could have been part of her mind that understood used tissues should be thrown away but another part that would not allow her to do it. Similar to what happens with someone with OCD. One part of them knows what they are doing is irrational but another part of them insists they do it. For some people throwing away their hoarded items is the equivalent of stopping someone with OCD going through their rituals, so it can be freeing and extremely stressful simultaneously. As for my home: (great question BTW) Front verandah - regularly defended from being a dumping area for all sorts ; hallway - functional but in need of attention as too many things are stored there, there is over spill from the bad rooms, the numerous bookcases are overfull and dusty; bathroom - I'm ok with the bathroom, I clean it regularly & it doesn't have too much stuff in it; my room- it could be cleaner & I could always get rid of a few more clothes but it is not too bad; living room - I think others would say we have too much furniture & other stuff but I think it is functional. It is cleaned regularly but not thoroughly (too much stuff) There is often too much stuff in this room which doesn't belong there; kitchen - fluctuates from ok to messy and dirty. We have too much stuff and not enough storage, no range hood so everything gets greasy; laundry- dumping ground for things that might come in useful one day, semi-functional; 2x rooms G uses - little or no visible floor, thick layers of dust on all surfaces, piles and piles of books and boxes in one room in particular. I do not go into these rooms, I can't go into these rooms as there is no floor to walk on and I don't know what I am stepping on. His valuable stuff is lying on the floor along side rubbish. It only appears to be one layer deep and it doesn't smell. He says he vacuums the floor in one room by shifting the stuff on the floor piece by piece. I don't think he has vacuumed the other room at all; Backyard- fluctuates from ok to a mess; Shed - I don't even look in there, it is where G puts his overflow from inside. As bad as this sounds we are doing way better than we were in our last house and we were better there than the house before and G was exponentially better in that house than where he was living before that. But still a long way to go. I would challenge anyone to hoard or clutter and be able to maintain a clean house. It is just too difficult to keep things clean when you have too much stuff. It has been interesting to take stock of what our home is like. It can be easy to ignore things.
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Post by lostchild on Feb 21, 2015 1:30:08 GMT -5
To give you an honest reply my house is in transition... I just got custody of a nineteen month old grandson and much of what I am doing is trying not to backslide.
I have had to take my curtains down because he pulled them down...last three panels went yesterday. I washed them and folded them and doing same to last three panels. I will put them back when he stops wrapping himself up in them. For now I have bare living room windows. Kids room vary according to day... Desk is being decluttered gradually. I have financial problems so that is the large amount of paperwork about. I also need to have hard copies of records which means I can't scan a lot of stuff.
I just moved the daughter's bed into baby's room. Toys are being rearranged. There are more toys than a little bit. I have some clothes I am keeping because there is a high probability I will be getting a newborn in two months. They have all been washed and stored neatly in drawers in dresser.
Linen closets,clean,bathrooms in maintenance, dining room being defended from daughter who brings home masses of paperwork. Table able to be cleared in 4 minutes for meals . Kitchen current with regards to dishes,fridge has no spoiled food but needs to be arranged for visual clarity. Scrubbed bottom crisper drawers out yesterday and day before.
My room decent.Bed not made because we take blankets off bed and take to couch at nap time. Baby and I snuggle in it.
Next big project is to go thru my clothes. An excoworker of mine is having me over to pick up clothes she culled from her closet.
I lost fifty five pounds and most of my clothes swim on me. She is giving me clothes that fit. That means I need to donate all my big clothes. Drawers aren't filled with junk.
Old desk going to garbage. Old dresser ready for pick up too.
House in short presentable. I had people over including exhubby who stated house is good considering baby pours drinks on carpet,tosses food,tears everything out of diaper bag regularly and there aren't too many places he can't reach...he will go get his aunties step stool to get things...cheeky monkey. Climbs everything. This isn't my opinion but exhubby's.
Storage reasonable. Two loads of wash waiting. Son has to do them. I have son wash his own as part of being independent... He is disabled. Daughter learning to wash too...she is ten.
Big project out is photos and desk. Both in progress but not scattered all over confined to desk for paperwork and buffer and dresser top for photos.
In transition...not quite maintenance right now but not afraid of company.
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Post by whatgirl on Feb 21, 2015 3:00:19 GMT -5
I also have a mixed situation in my tiny little studio apartment.
In some areas, I am in a maintenance phase. But I would say 75% of my apartment needs decluttering, cleaning, and organizing all the time. I am one of those people who over the years have let things slide until I have to do a huge 2-day crisis cleaning because the landlord will be coming to inspect something and I have to take time off work and spend 48 hours cleaning non stop so that my landlord doesn't freak out and evict me or something.
Through this site and doing research on how being a perfectionist is a common reason why it is difficult to clean, I have learned some valuable tips that have helped me to get more small cleaning jobs done more often so that I do not have as much to do when I am in a crisis. Before, I would get easily overwhelmed with how much work I believed I would have to do because I wanted everything to be perfect. Now, I make a concerted effort to accept that tasks can be imperfect and that it is better to get it done than for perfection. For instance, I would put off vacuuming because I did not want to do it unless I had the time and energy to pick up absolutely everything off the floor and move all the furniture to get every crevice. So that would lead to not vacuuming for 6 months or more! Now, I try to vacuum once a week or at least twice a month and do not worry about getting every crevice or every patch of carpet. The carpet may not be immaculate, but it stays much cleaner now that I feel ok doing just what I can and not worry about doing it all. By permitting myself to not have to do anything perfect, I have more motivation to at least do a little. And every little bit makes a difference!
The two places that are in maintenance are my bathroom and kitchen. The bathroom, because my cat litter is in there and it pretty much necessitates regular sweeping up. I usually vacuum because it is faster. The kitchen used to be a nightmare but I am now in a regular habit of running my dishwasher once a week and keeping the sink from getting piled up with dirty dishes. This site helped immensely with creating that new habit! I am used to having an empty sink now and I enjoy it greatly. Since I only have to run the dishwasher once a week (I live alone), I wipe down the counters and stove the same time that I run the dishwasher so that I don't forget. It would be nicer to wipe everything down every day, but even if I forget or neglect to do it daily, it is habit to at least do it when I run my dishwasher.
Everywhere else in my apartment is hidden under boxes and bags which hold piles of clutter. Sigh. It is very hard to live in a one room studio and have a place for everything. Throwing things out can be difficult for me. I hate sorting. Organizing does not come naturally. So something like cleaning off my coffee table can take hours when it would take a "normal" person perhaps 20 minutes.
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Post by whatgirl on Feb 21, 2015 3:05:38 GMT -5
And while we're asking questions, I would also like to ask where people are with answering the door. If your place is cluttered/messy/dirty, do you always answer if someone knocks? Do you try to see who it is and only answer if it's someone you know well and who knows what your place looks like? Or do you always hide and pretend you're not home? Diane Great question! I ALWAYS hide and pretend I am not home unless it is someone who has called ahead and I am expecting them. There are only 2-3 people I let inside so if it is one of my other friends who are not allowed in, I do not even let them into my building. I just meet them downstairs in front. I used to let any of my friends in until I saw the look on their faces. They say they don't mind but I could easily see their shock and dismay on their faces. No thanks. If one of my closer friends calls me ahead of time, an hour is usually enough time to make things a little less gross before they get here. I'll clean the toilet and and the bathroom sink and take the garbage out.
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Post by italianlady on Feb 21, 2015 3:21:35 GMT -5
Thanks for answering my question everyone. I'm very interested in reading your answers.
About my mother and her hoarding, I don't want anyone to think I blame her for it. I don't blame her at all. Everybody has issues they can't help. I remember our across the street neighbor was an older lady who lived there with her husband and their kids were grown and moved away. She had three perfect rooms in her house and the back rooms that were lived in were hoarded. They weren't unlivable by any means but certainly more than just cluttered. She had stacks and boxes and crates of the coolest things she would let me play with. I thought she was beautiful and lived like a queen. She and her husband had their own bedrooms and hers was full of clothes and furs and makeup and shoes and wigs. All kinds of creams and beauty products sitting out and in bags and boxes everywhere. There were little paths through the piles. She would let me play in there and look at her things. I wanted to be her when I grew up because I thought she looked like Elizabeth Taylor and she drove a Lincoln and wore a fur coat to work where she was the secretary at an insurance company, and she managed to do all that in our working class neighborhood. She also had "Her Bedroom" in the front part of the house and it was one of the perfect rooms. Nobody could even sleep there as a guest. It had beautiful furniture with expensive sheets and she would hang two or three weeks worth of clothes for work from the dry cleaner in there, she kept her jewelry in there and her perfume and some nicer creams on her dresser, but she actually got ready at an old vanity that she could barely get to that was surrounded by a department store's worth of products. I would still give my right arm to have her actual bedroom and "Her Bedroom" that was for show. I remember her hug plastic boxes with lids of nail polishes that she had collected. I actually started a nail polish collection when I was about 9 because she had one. She would give me some of her older ones that were almost empty but still had usable polish in them. I would get my mother to buy me a bottle of $1 Cutex polish every time we went to the grocery store and I ended up with every shade they carried and I always bought a new one when they got one in. I don't use polish much but still have an affinity for collecting it, and I bought a vanity for my bedroom at an antique store because I always wanted one like hers. I keep my makeup and my products on it, but I don't have as many. I still feel like her when I sit there to roll my hair or put on my face. She was a big influence on me and even though when I got older I saw our hoard as bad, I never saw hers as anything but good. I never understood why her daughter was so mean to her about it. She even had a maid that came in once a week. The maid cleaned the perfect rooms that she never used, and the kitchen which was cluttered but usable. The maid also had to dust the piles and boxes in her tv room where we always sat and I got to play with all her bric-a-brac and collectables and not so collectables she had in boxes. She even had one unusable room that was packed full of what I saw as goodies and she would never let me go in there because it was dangerous, and she would always promise me that if I was good then one day when she cleaned it out she would let me come help and I could take whatever I wanted home with me. She never did it, but I always wanted to go in that room. I think I ended up with my love of thrift stores from the the great times I had going through her stuff while she sat with my mother and talked.
So, I don't see the hoarding as something that was that bad, I mainly see my mother's attitude about it was what bothered me. That's the only reason I was trying to understand it. I never wondered my our neighbor did it, I felt like I would want to keep all those things too if I were her, but I might build on a room full of closets for all her wonderful clothes and things instead of that sewing room which I saw as useless because our sewing machine didn't have a room, it was in the living room and our sewing stuff was spread out everywhere.
I hope I didn't offend anyone by talking about my mother and asking for input about why she might have been that way about it. Not so much why she hoarded, I know now that it's just something that some people do, I guess I question why she just refused to talk about it to me when I asked her.
But, I hadn't thought about talking about our neighbor until just now. It's funny how you can see your own situation as bad and someone else's very similar situation as enchanting. I had really never thought about hers as hoarding until just now either. Thinking about it I can see that it was obvious hoarding, not just a lady with a lot of things stacked up like in the tv room, but her real bedroom and bathroom were like something on the show, except usable. No stacks or piles were higher than waist level, and she could only use one little part of her king size bed because of the clothes and nail stuff and magazines. I spent the night over there with her once when I was little and my mother was in the hospital and it was so covered that she couldn't clean it off so that I could sleep in there with her so for the one time in history, she slept in "Her Bedroom" on the good sheets and the showroom bed, and I got to sleep in there with her with the nice dining room chairs brought in there and put up against the side of the bed with their backs facing it so I wouldn't fall off. I was 5 or 6. I remember crying because I wanted to sleep in the good bedroom not that one.
I'm glad I thought of her. I haven't thought of her at any time when I wasn't at my own vanity or when I'm looking for a nail polish in years. Those were some great memories that I haven't really given time to in too long.
I hope I haven't upset anybody by talking and wondering about my mother. I never meant it that way. The only difference between me and my mother is that at it's worst when my house was squalor and piled up with junk and trash and everything else, I didn't mind throwing things out. I could go quite a while without lifting a finger when I am in a depression, so I'm not judging my mothers actions at all, only how she was to me about it. Nobody else mentioned it to her that I know of, so I only have how she was with me about it to go on.
Thank you all so much for telling me about your homes. I don't feel quite so bad now knowing that other people aren't 1950's tv show sets. Please keep your answers coming, I'm enjoying putting a mental picture with a username. It feels more "homey" to me to know that the people I'm talking to are messy and dealing with it too, and even that the people who aren't in messy places now have been in them.
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Post by italianlady on Feb 21, 2015 3:34:45 GMT -5
And while we're asking questions, I would also like to ask where people are with answering the door. If your place is cluttered/messy/dirty, do you always answer if someone knocks? Do you try to see who it is and only answer if it's someone you know well and who knows what your place looks like? Or do you always hide and pretend you're not home? Diane Great question! I ALWAYS hide and pretend I am not home unless it is someone who has called ahead and I am expecting them. There are only 2-3 people I let inside so if it is one of my other friends who are not allowed in, I do not even let them into my building. I just meet them downstairs in front. I used to let any of my friends in until I saw the look on their faces. They say they don't mind but I could easily see their shock and dismay on their faces. No thanks. If one of my closer friends calls me ahead of time, an hour is usually enough time to make things a little less gross before they get here. I'll clean the toilet and and the bathroom sink and take the garbage out. When my house was terrible I wouldn't answer the door if it was someone I thought wanted to come in. My kids brought their friends over even then and I was so embarrassed, but I would stay in another room. Some of them lived in messy houses but not as messy as ours. I didn't want them over, but I didn't want to do what my mother did and not let them have friends over. That was one thing I didn't understand as a child but do now. I would tell her "They aren't coming to see the house, they are coming to see me, they don't care what our house looks like" but she said no almost always. If it was someone with a package or somebody that I knew wasn't there to come inside, I would open the door a crack and step out. We had dogs and cats back then too and I would tell them that I didn't want to stand there with the door open because the cats would get out and that my dogs didn't like strangers so I couldn't invite them in. If someone like a plumber or service person had to come in, I would try and schedule the visit so my husband was home at the time and I would manage to get a headache or be sick to my stomach and have to lay down about an hour before they were to come, and let him deal with the person. I have gone so far as to pretend to be so sick the day that someone was coming when they wouldn't give me a time or couldn't come late in the day and actually ask my husband to stay home with me because I was so sick. I don't know if he believed me, but he acted like he did and I would stay in bed and feel even more depressed because on top of not doing anything at all that day I was stuck in my bedroom, alone, in the dark. I never had a problem with any of the service people except once. I was in the middle of one of my big cleanups and the toilet had clogged and backed up. It was brown water, lets leave it at that. It didn't overflow much but I had plunged it and wiped up where it had and put the dirty towels and plunger in the tub. The bathroom was thoroughly trashed on top of just the toilet and the whole house was a mess. I had started cleaning in the kitchen and was barefoot in shorts and a tshirt and had my hair up and I was dirty and a mess too, but I was doing something. I was nice and polite and friendly, and told him to excuse the mess we had just all been very sick and had a death in the family and maybe one or two other excuses. I guess he thought I had the worst luck in the world or he saw right through me. He fixed the toilet and then when I asked him how much he told me and then said "It's more than I said on the phone because I charge more for something really nasty like this" and motioned around to mean the whole house, not just the toilet. I was mortified and didn't know what to say. I wish I had thought of a mean comeback but I didn't think of anything at the time except wanting to crawl under a rock. I cried for hours afterwards but I didn't stop cleaning.
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