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Post by reb on Mar 25, 2015 8:03:44 GMT -5
evelynI'm voting with the 'assisted living' crowd. [Imagine that! Me not having some weird view this time ] One of the reasons I want out of my place is to get into a low level AL apartment. If you can visit a lot you can tell if she gets good care, you will enjoy each other rather than resent each other and THAT is the most important part of it by far. My mom is elderly and I know how draining it is on both my sisters. I live farther away so even getting there is a chore and I live with the guilt of not being able to help physically and distance-wise because she is so far away. If you had more supports I might say "maybe" but that doesn't sound like the case. The only reason my mom isn't in one is because she lives in one sister's basement and the other relatives relieve her [mainly my other sister] but the burden of care is not easy for someone as organized as my sister--for someone struggling with organization, it's even worse for both parties. And my mom can still walk and do most of her own housekeeping! You don't want to wind up resenting your mom and the situation with her. You want to get as much out of the relationship as you can while you still have it--even if it means upsetting a few relatives. My brother was in a warm and supportive one before he died. The staff loved him and my sisters took him places all the time and made sure he was safe.
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Post by Evelyn on Mar 25, 2015 19:13:48 GMT -5
[from the Peeve O' The Day dept.]
There's a bottled water place just across the street from my apartment complex, and I went over there to get some more drinking water and got into a nice chat with the lady at the counter. Then another customer came in, so the counter lady went to help the customer and I went to fill up my water jug at the water dispensers. I would up at the water dispenser next to another resident of my apartment, who - well, my best guess is that his meds aren't really working very well for him. He always wants to have a conversation in which he states a viewpoint and keeps badgering me until I agree with it. Today he asserted both that the construction going on at our complex is an entirely good thing, and that it will be completed very soon. I agree with neither of those statements, and I wasn't going to lie just to get him off my back (not taking the high moral ground here: I've just tried it before and it doesn't help). Just about the time my jug finished filling, he came to the conclusion that what our complex needs is a Resident Council. I was just pointing out that we already have one of those when interrupted with "And a pop machine."
A superfluous Resident Council and a pop machine is a nonsensical enough solution to all our Landlord-Tenant woes that I heartily agreed to it as I made good my escape. I walked away grumbling to myself about how I seem to have spent all my recent days, weeks, months, etc., trying to extract myself from unwanted conversations - with him just now, with my sister when she's drunk, with my mother continually, with a recent long-term houseguest whose welcome had worn itself threadbare by the time he left. But then I remembered that I'd really enjoyed chatting with the counter lady and asked myself what had been so different about that conversation.
The answer: she was listening to me.
It had been a real conversation, about a subject of interest to me, with what I had to say being as much a part of it as what she did. Like, you know, between grownups who respect each other.
[Okay. End of Peeve.]
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Post by reb on Mar 25, 2015 20:05:33 GMT -5
evelynI worked for many years with mentally ill folks who were active drug users in several different environments. I can give you an inside tip that might help. When you run into someone who is under the influence, or struggling psychologically and you want to be considerate yet not have your time monopolized you can say, "I have only ten minutes and I have to run off. I'm really happy to give you that 10 minutes now, if you need." Look at your watch or cell phone, flip it or make some other obvious, physical gesture.
Then, if you are able, really listen, if you can, for a few minutes. When you think it's been about 10 minutes, check your device again. Then you can, in all good conscience say, "Oh my it is 10:15 now, and as I told you, I really have to go now! It's been great!" and walk away.
Sometimes, just the time limit will help that person get to the point. And you aren't being rude or mean, you are sharing what time you have available with limits. If they ramble, you haven't lost much. If they do have a point that requires your attention--they will make it quickly especially if they know you are fair and honest and stick to your 10 minute rule. Hope that helps or gives you ideas. The counter lady sounds like she had excellent listening skills and you came out of the exchange feeling good. That's always wonderful.
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Post by Evelyn on Mar 26, 2015 18:36:39 GMT -5
Thanks for all your helpful & supportive responses. You've helped me remember that I am just not caregiver material. I'm disabled myself (severe CFS/Fibromyalgia), which means that I'm often available, but doesn't mean that I'm necessarily a very good choice. I remember being seven years old and sitting in first-grade social studies class on "jobs & careers" day. It was 1968, and the three options presented for "career girls" were secretary, nurse, and schoolteacher. I decided I'd have to be a secretary, even though I knew I wouldn't like running around being somebody's "girl Friday." There was some good reason I didn't think I could be a schoolteacher; but nursing was out because I really didn't, and still don't, like having to deal with people's illnesses. lucie, your story reminds me of that of an old family friend. About the time that I decided I'd have to put up with becoming a secretary, his mom was dying and he abandoned his life in California to care for her during her last few weeks of life. Those last few weeks turned into ten years. Then his sister was dying and he had to care for her. By the time she died, after another ten years, he had developed Alzheimer's - but by then there wasn't much of anyone left to look after him during his final ten years. reb, thanks for the tip, which will come in very handy. My peeve yesterday was not really with my neighbor, who is genuinely mentally ill and can't help being a childish blowhard. It's more with the putatively sane adults in my life - my mom, my friend, my sister - who are supposed to be capable of treating me with respect and reciprocity. The incident with my neighbor made me see that they often haven't been doing so. For now, my plan is to let Mom, SeaSis, and SFSis (who is in town for a couple of days) worry about each other while I try to take care of myself. I've just gotten back from helping a neighbor ( not the one mentioned above) who had somehow gotten the wheel of her mobility scooter parked on the line from her oxygen tank, and was about to be in serious trouble if she couldn't get oxygen. We got it all sorted out now and she's doing fine, but I seem to have come back from her apartment with a queasy stomach. Maybe I'm allergic/sensitive to something in her apt, or maybe it was just all that scrambling around on the floor trying to figure out her scooter controls. I don't like that helping her seems somewhat to be hurting me; but 1) I didn't know that this was going to happen, and b) she's an 80-something COPD-&-other-heart-maladies patient who couldn't get her badly-needed oxygen - what else was I gonna do?
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Post by Mrs Hen on Mar 28, 2015 2:10:44 GMT -5
Just a note about cats:
You can have a cat around allergic people if you do the following: Wash the cat once a week. It's easiest if you start when the cat is a kitten, but if you explain the situation to a vet they can give you a very inexpensive tranquilizer for the cat, it will calm them enough that you can get them in and out of the water without them freaking out. Get vet info, some dog shampoo can sicken cats. I had a daughter with severe allergies, and she was able to handle a cat this way. We used a simple to wash sheet or table cloth on furniture so she never sat where the cat had sat, keeping the cloth folded over the back of the chair/sofa, and then spread out when she was sitting on it. Since old people usually sit in the same chair all the time it would be easy to cover the chair. I know the idea of tranquilizing cats sounds terrible to some people, but it really is amazing how well it works. My vet says it's made such a difference in his practice, there is much less putting animals to sleep because they can't adjust to a new situation, and they don't end up zombies, they're still the same cat, although they nap a lot on bath day.
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slobovian
New Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 77
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Post by slobovian on Apr 1, 2015 0:41:52 GMT -5
There are also hypoallergenic wipes for cats. They come in a tub like baby wipes. There is also a dander removing spray made by Natures Miracle.
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