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Post by creativechaos on Jul 15, 2016 16:36:59 GMT -5
I think I brought that brokenness with me into a new home, and new relationship. Other things have occurred since that kept shoving me farther down that hole. A couple things are related to issues surrounding my new relationship; a few because of storage, layout and structural condition of the house; water issues with our well; former nightmare boss/job; and injury, illness and the negative emotional and physical effects all of this has had on me. I want me back, whole, right, fully functional and gainfully employed again. The old me I used to be could declutter and clean the bulk of this house in a week. Seriously. Before I started that, though, I would make homes for my things. I would hire someone to come build in some cabinets and shelves, replace the rickety wiring shelving with proper storage shelves, put inside stairs to the attic and cellar so I could get to them, fix the damp foundation issue in the cellar and install cabinets and shelving, run electricity to the metal barn garage and install heat and an attic fan for cooling, and landscape properly to divert rain runoff away from the garage. Then, I would simply put things away in their place, where they belong. Easy peasy. <snip> Wait. I don't just sit here doing nothing. I DO do things! I cook 1-3 meals every day; keep the dishes done; counter space and stove are kept clean (except the side of the counter that holds some things that lost their homes since the move here); fridge is kept clean except for the dreaded magnets and reminder/quick-find detritus littering its front; floors are kept picked up of loose item clutter, and are swept, mopped and vacuumed where boxes do not reside; laundry is kept clean, hung or folded, and put away (even if some of their now-homes are a basket or bin or stack); bathroom sanitation is dealt with daily; there is no trash or clothing or anything else littering my floors besides the boxes and bins hugging the perimeters; I dust, sometimes, a little. I DO do things. I maintain quite well...everywhere there isn't clutter.<snip> CC, I saw you posted on the thread written by dayeanu about being a Grown-@zz Woman. Good breakthrough stuff there, and in the recent thread by dtesposito, Mental Strategies to Let Go of Stuff. There are several other good recent threads - FYI to any newbies looking for help. I need to wind this up, but don't have any specific questions to ask, nor epiphanies to share that could solve these issues for clutterers and squalorers throughout the world. So, my non-heroine self simply will let this post fade to black... Hugs! Well, Irisheyes, i want to respond to this - NOT out of pity but because I am glad you are here and can say all that you need to say. but first - that bolded green section from your post... That. That person who keeps going, despite the brokenness you feel, the issues your house situation being as it is - is heroic. I don't say that lightly. You are back here with us, you belong here, you make efforts every day despite the odds. I would call that success. I've read your posts, all that you do. Focus on That... just as you caught yourself and remembered that you do actions every single day. Focus on every little success, even if you do like i do and backslide and self-sabotage. I say this for all of us who struggle and don't seem to be "cured" of the squalor and hoarding. I do believe that repetition builds habits. So keep focused on those good habits you already have - the cooking, nurturing your kids, and keeping clean what you can. Maintenance is the most important thing and you are doing that and not letting things get worse. ha - regarding my big sucessful post on getting rid of clothes: it WAS; i was so happy. But what did i do? immediately i self sabotaged myself with online shopping, for things i don't need (i DO need a computer but that is not what i got!). i hope i got the ironing board cover - i really NEED that. but mostly; more books and some sewing stuff. these will clutter up my life and home more. So i need to remedy that. if i want these things to stay, something's gonna have to go. just keep using this thread however it works for you, Irishey. a lot, occasionally, whatever. i love having you here. and a resounding YES to wanting yourself back whole, functional, and gainfully employed. first things first; you will do this one baby step at a time. For starters , big pat on the back because you returned to us and jumped back in. i am so glad you are here. You recognize what's happening because you wrote it out... that is good. writing things out gives clarity and self-accountability because, as stated above, you WANT your whole self back and i believe you. you are doing what you can to maintain what is there. this is the PERFECT place from which to begin making tiny baby steps. in your honor i will get off this chair that i have been in since 8:30 a.m. and get some desqualoring done. SHORT LIST in honor of Irishey:catch dishes up sort fabric in LR on floor and loveseat (ongoing OCD project since i'm not sure where i will put it when it is organized to death ) clear small counter by sink - almost cleared but not quite wipe down stovetop water outdoor back balcony plants and clean up (deadhead) clean kitchen sink work on recording online expenditures since january (long project) and squarely face this. eat my vegetables drink lots of water do some grown-axx woman paperwork - did at least one hour of paperwork, very happy about that.15 minutes of sewing or something fun
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Post by Irisheyes on Jul 15, 2016 20:15:09 GMT -5
creativechaos - You brought tears to my eyes - something that my recent, apathetic, numbed state rarely sees happen. I spent years where I was so raw I could busy into tears over the littlest thing. I was starting to worry, though, because nothing had moved me to tears in a months and months. It's happened to me twice today. Dso is coming home again after being gone so much on travel, and only here on random weekends, exhausted from travel and trying to wind down, catch up on his "man work" outside on the property, see the grandbabies, and squeeze in a little fishing which he loves. I teared up this morning when he called and reminded me he would be here tonight. Caught me totally by surprise to feel my eyes sting. Then, just now, your wonderful support and kind words did it to me again. Muh-wah!! Uh oh. I better not be turning back again into that blubbering, sobbing, whatever I was before. Nah. This didn't feel the same. It felt like feeling things is supposed to feel. It's all good. Oops, need to run get that next load of wash started! Do one more thing, take one more step, and this entire house CAN and WILL be done! Hugs to y'all!
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 17, 2016 18:55:55 GMT -5
aw, irisheyes, i'm so glad you know that you are loved and supported here. and that you get to see your dso a bit. that is important. i need to make another list. there are things i've been avoiding (well, most, actually). some are ongoing projects, some regular "maintenance" and some one-time things. some projects will carry over each time til they are done. project A: email contacts i need to email about the research we are looking for. deadline is SOON keep doing research on project A - (needle in a haystack) those pesky dishes again eat my veggies drink lots of water - it's getting HOT again B - papers - do more and find papers with all the contacts info for project A! project C - fabric - keep going on organizing, cull ANY that i can. (donation box) project D - whittle down boxes in bedroom project E - spending log - set up and log yesterday's expenditures and today's. i mean to get serious about this deal with mail deal with filing backlog figure out bill paying system agh.... that's enough! don't want to scare myself out of here.
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 20, 2016 1:00:21 GMT -5
wow, what happened to the days? i pretty much have to carry over the entire list from the 17th. did not make much progress on my projects. STILL cannot find the contact papers, my research is getting nowhere and the deadline (25th) is fast approaching. went to a political event last night Waste o-time. still dealing with ongoing back issues. went to chiro yesterday so it's not as bad but still not good. when i went to the bank today i saw this very cool computer desk in the bank manager's office that sits on top of a regular desk - so that you can stand! i want one! convinced that all this sitting is what is wreaking havoc on my back. it's $350 though. and i need a new computer and car repairs. here is the list again: (for the rest of the week i think, since i am not getting on here every day) keep up with dishes keep up with mail deal with filing backlog figure out bill paying system project A - find papers with contacts, email, and keep looking for a needle in a haystack for my research project - found the contact info! unfortunately, deadline for finding this info is MONDAY!project B - keep sorting papers tossed and shredded at least 200 papers - found some old tax years and have been sorting... lots more to go.project C - keep sorting fabric. bag up potential quilt projects so they're ready to at least start. project D - keep sorting through boxes in bedroom project E - keep up with spending log - and put notebook in a home where i can always find it! project F - start thinking about how i am going to paint/embellish the cat figurine for the animal shelter auction. obtain and read LOWV voting guide; ballot due by Aug 2.
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Post by Irisheyes on Jul 21, 2016 22:32:09 GMT -5
Working slowly, doing very little on the excess, keeping up with dishes and laundry, feeding kids, a little bit of swipe, swish, sweep, and peep-ing on other everyday stuff. Still babying the soreness from the fall. Hang in there creativechaos. Know we're thinking of you and cheering you on! Hugs!
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 29, 2016 18:47:43 GMT -5
i don't even know where to start, i let that old devil depression talk me into giving up AGAIN.
i did get my state taxes mailed today. with a little luck they will arrive on time. that is one accomplishment and other than the procrastinating, it was fairly painless.
will make a short list. everything is overwhelming me now, incl the heat.
dishes put away groceries try to have energy (don't know what is gonna give me that.)
edit: it was a lot cooler tonight so i had a little energy. went on chat and vyas and unswampy helped me by challenging with me. i put some clean dishes away, washed some dirty dishes, watered front and back balcony plants, and put away most of the groceries and made a healthy dinner. i will call this night a success.
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Post by Irisheyes on Aug 2, 2016 10:10:11 GMT -5
creativechaos - Sorry depression had you in its evil clutches yet again. That s*cks. It does seem to me that you do well/better when you have live interaction with people, either here or in real life. I am sure you already know that. I also know we aren't always able to summon the "oomph" or cooperative attitude to put ourselves in situations and circumstances that are best for us. I am glad unswampy and vyas were there in chat when you needed them to help challenge you. Maybe a mini-mantra will help when we just want to hibernate from the world and are resistant to doing any of the work we need to do in our homes: Find the people! (no, i don't wanna) Just go find some people! (nuh-uh, not moving) Hush! it'll be fun! Get up and connect with some people - NOW! Move! Move! Move! (do I hafta?) Yes! You love your people! You want to hear from them, and they want to hear from you. Go get a dose of your people and you'll feel better! I dunno. It might work sometimes. It can't hurt, much, and it does feel a little better once we get started. The point is to get started doing ANYTHING, even if it is only getting in the habit of connecting with others for our own good. Anything to start the ball rolling every day, and to KEEP it rolling once it starts. Hugs. I know it isn't easy.
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Post by creativechaos on Aug 28, 2016 22:34:27 GMT -5
Irisheyes, thank you for your sweet post. i cannot believe another month has gone by! thinking about what you said, about the people and all... you are probably right that i *need* people even if i don't *want" people i got busy - with gardening, with hoarding up the place even more, with dances and social events and visiting with a few old friends and a new one. i am trying to revive this thread, although it may be beyond reviving. don't wanna make any lists, although they do help me stay on track in terms of bills due, etc. the apt is overwhelming. every square inch of it. what would my mini mantra be to get me started on that? dunno! how about james brown's song "get up offa that thing! (and clean til you feel better)" will post successes in anything when i get some tadas done.
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Post by razy on Aug 29, 2016 2:57:10 GMT -5
How can a thread with 'backsliders' in the title ever be beyond reviving! Good to see you creativechaos
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Post by creativechaos on Aug 29, 2016 3:20:38 GMT -5
good point razy! heretoday was on chat late and we did some challenges. i made some headway in a few tiny areas. good to see you too, razy! i would join you on WIT but it's 1:20 a.m. here and i am falling asleep in my chair. i had been going to bed at 10 or 11 so now i am really tired. nighty night.
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Post by Unswamping on Aug 29, 2016 8:52:08 GMT -5
creativechaos im glad you were here and got some stuff done. Irisheyes i love your mantra! Yes we do need to find our people here, the ones who get us and really understand what its like. razy very good point about the backsliders. I had my own set back into squalor this week. While i was busy doing other things, ive been neglecting the kitchen and trash. Yesterday i opened the frig and it smelled awful. Not sure what was causing the smell. I grabbed a trash can and started pulling out all the old food. Smells much better now. Also washed a weeks worth of dishes. Collected up the recycling and trash, almost filled a black bag. Its in the outside trash can now. In this heat, things go downhill very quickly.
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Post by 1rarebeautifuldove on Aug 29, 2016 22:16:49 GMT -5
creativechaos - there is a song we sang in chorus when I was in Jr High - "inch by inch, day by day, step by step, all the way, piece by piece, bit by bit and little by little we're there!" I think it is the inchworm song. I found the lyrics but no music. But that is ok. I found this one, and it has an inchworm in it. Unswamping - great job on getting caught up!
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Post by mynicehome on Aug 30, 2016 0:10:40 GMT -5
How can a thread with 'backsliders' in the title ever be beyond reviving! Good to see you creativechaos Brilliant razy! 1rarebeautifuldove...you have some really good animal metaphors. I love that inchworm and that song! That's a really creative and uplifting perspective.
Dear creativechaos. Big hugs, and welcome back to the fold. Come as you are, anytime.
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Post by creativechaos on Aug 31, 2016 17:47:10 GMT -5
thanks for your encouragement and support, Unswamping, mynicehome and 1rarebeautifuldove - and for the videos, vyas. ok; i have to do SOMETHING but there are life things to do before i can focus on the apartment. TODAY I MUST: Done write an invoice for work trade and call the person. - DO THIS FIRST> RIGHT NOW! JUST DO IT! make pesto out of the basil that has been sitting in my kitchen for 24 hrs deal with the fruit fly situation empty the fridge of old rotten food deal with the fruit and tomatoes sitting out, attracting MORe fruit flies more to come... is it me, or are other ppl having problems with the site? i can't use smilies like check boxes, because the list disappeared. I can't reply to an individual post; wasn't there a reply button with every post before, or am I losing my mind?
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Post by Unswamping on Aug 31, 2016 22:13:56 GMT -5
creativechaos wtg on getting that invoice done! I cant do smilies right now either. I dont think its just you. Got some paper and desk stuff done. Therapy assignment was to open mail and put things straight into recycle bin, shredder or trash in stead of my ocd making piles of envelopes and then double checking them. So i got the mail opened and sorted. Stuff i need to take action on clipped together, will work on that tomorrow. I did manage to get the envelopes straight into the bin woth no checking. I havent done papers since april!
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