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Post by mylittlescholar on Mar 27, 2018 14:21:54 GMT -5
just a quick check in to say I'm here in CA and now I have another set of issues... time management being the main one.
I set up my office in my brothers PRISTINE bedroom as he is not here. The rest of the house is chaos, as usual, and it is so nice to have this clean white space to work in. Poor guy, he wants to clean up the place so badly! No wonder he acts out his OCD--he lives with hoarders both at his house and when he visits here.
I think a key for us is continuing to check in with each other, on a daily basis, and CC, I applaud you for sticking with it!
Unswamping yes, giving myself permission not to do it perfectly does help, I think. In fact, I think I do want to explore this with some "professional" guidance, because I'm really exhausted by it all. Maybe there is help from the CBT end of things. In my mind, I don't think of it as "perfectly," I just can't imagine a way to short-cut the process. And that would be fine, except I don't start the process SOON ENOUGH. So the combo of the elaborate process and the denials I have around time are a recipe for disaster.
And when I say can't imagine, I mean I can't cognate a way. I can't think of a way. I gather that OTHER people can, when they say things like "well, just pack!" What do they mean? I don't know! I have no idea! And so what comes up for me is just tears. Like they are asking me to so some impossible thing, that I am "bad" for not being able to do. And so I hide my distress, my "disability," don't even think to ask for help...
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Post by danny15 on Mar 28, 2018 13:13:25 GMT -5
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 2, 2018 5:50:19 GMT -5
hi Unswamping, def6, mylittlescholar and danny15 - i'm so glad you all are posting in here and keeping me company and getting your own things done! sorry i was so quiet this past week. i caught up on the garden of the owners of the storage people who came home today. there's still more to do of course, but i got things pruned and looking fairly good in most places. that took a lot of energy and my back was so sore; gardening really takes it out of me. took today off to do nothing - doing better except my shoulders took a beating pruning up high and they hurt. i did little on the apartment tonight; caught up on dishes, took old food out of fridge and took out trash. also beat the piles back on my desk; not clear but better. i must get off this 4 and 5 a.m. sleep schedule, sleep til 9 or 10 a.m. i am not especially tired with so little rest but i know it's not good for my health or the weight gain. next phase for me: 1) get ready for inspection in 2 weeks! it's coming fast! things need to go OUT of here - i guess that means to storage. 2) try to clean out a spot in storage for doing art because i'll need to make that my "job" in order to make enough things for the show i hang at end of June (24th i think). planning to have a dahlia tuber sale and small yard sale at storage on the 14th. some meth heads are back around there at storage; owners don't care... so not sure i will open the art display room up but i do want and need to get rid of some of the stuff in storage. i bought a low, solid wood nice heavy coffee table, thinking i could use it on back balcony for plants. nope. should have measured; way too long for the spot i had planned. will try selling it in this yard sale. if it doesn't go i'll donate it but i pd 20 bucks for it so hoping to make it back. ouch. i am no good with money. spend it so fast.
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Post by mylittlescholar on Apr 2, 2018 13:34:23 GMT -5
hi creativechaos!
here's what I find helpful when I have a dealine coming up:
understanding that doing something for myself NOW that I don't want to do is like doing a huge favor for my best friend--"Tomorrow Me!"
apparently research shows that part of the problem with procrastination, etc. is that we have trouble having empathy for our own future selves. some weird quirk in our brains???
When I learned this, it seemed to make a difference. But I had to work at it, it did NOT come naturally for me. I had to really imagine/visualize/project into the future as me now in order to motivate myself, to make it "real" for me, that it would be ME that would be suffering (or not!) because of the choices that I was making NOW.
Maybe it's a de-fragmenting process? re-association disassociation? I don't know. But I have had to do something like build synapses that we not in place.
And the good news is that it is a very positively reinforcing loop! I get pleasure from the results of having done something nice for myself yesterday, which motivates me to do it again. For example, as I have been working on taking off my makeup at night and putting on the $$$ potions that have been sitting on my vanity for months, when I wake up in the morning my skin feels good, and this gives me a dopamine hit and makes me feel really good about myself, which then makes it easier to rinse and repeat.
Keep coming back and checking in! We are rooting for you and we all get a lot out of your contributions!
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Post by Unswamping on Apr 2, 2018 20:24:29 GMT -5
mylittlescholar i think the CBT will help with the packing issue. Ive been finding it useful for similiar type things that i get stuck on the same way. It may help to devise a checklist of what packing means to you. It doesnt have to make sense to anyone else or may seem redundant to them. That doesnt matter, its about what you need. Very good thoughts about the future self. I struggle with that too. Imagining a future for myself has been very hard. I think i can handle thinking about tomorrow me.
creativechaos you did great on that yard work. I understand wanting to make your money back on the coffee table. Im hoping that having a yard sale wont derail your efforts to get inspection ready. I do understand the 4-5am sleep schedule, im going through the same phase. I do think its a phase, ive been noticing i tend to flip to the late schedule about every two weeks. Wondering if it moon related.
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Post by mylittlescholar on Apr 2, 2018 23:07:45 GMT -5
Thanks, Unswamping! your post is very timely, because I have to pack tonight! I'm going to try it on my blog.
I've flipped to the PM schedule, too. I'm sleeping a LOT less lately, not sure if it is organic or if I am racking up a massive sleep debt. I know my diet and exercise has changed drastically, and the seasons have changed as well, but May can be a low month for me.
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 3, 2018 3:11:40 GMT -5
awww mylittlescholar - thanks! i love that tip! having compassion for "future me" so i'll make better choices for "now me" - i love the idea as "brain de-fragging! . that image really works. THANK YOU! scholar i don't know if you are around but i am gonna try to keep working - maybe on a listzilla. chat is quiet which is good. i like the people on there and end up wanting to chat with them - which distracts everyone. they put up with me despite this. May is a low month for me too, scholar. i love March - lots of energy. i too have less need for sleep as soon as March rolls around - it's the month i feel most creative and energetic. by mid April i start feeling dread and anxiety. by May i'm low with depression. i know some reasons why. plus my birthday falls in that time period - taurus - and i never do well around birthday time, coupled with the manic extroverted outward time of mid spring thru summer - i'm an introvert. it's just plain HARD for me - too much light, too much noise, too much people. Unswamping, my stalwart, skilled, practical, ingenious, intelligent encouraging wise challenge buddy - thank you for tonight. you make my days and nights so much better just by being you and living a good example. i appreciate you both so much - and all the other wonderful supportive visitors to my threads, and great people i get to know on here. i have a guy willing to help me finish my little storage unit "room" for art display - to get the rest of the plywood cut and put up; that will be a huge help to get that finished so i can paint and hang more art up there! he is moving to Idaho in a very short time so that has to happen this week. when it rains, it pours. focus for this week: apartment - work toward inspection - continuing work in progress finish plywood, what i have, put up in art display storage room/wee shoppie (if it ever becomes that again!) - my friend finished it! (this was done on April 4th!) it took me til about midnight to get going ha ha but i did the dishes and a little PEEPing. storage: clear a place to work!
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Post by mylittlescholar on Apr 3, 2018 12:36:50 GMT -5
creativechaos thanks for your insight on the seasonal shifts. I was stunned to discover that May has a higher suicide rate than December! My peak periods are in the spring and fall--the "quickening" months, I guess, with winter and summer being harder times. Winter was easier to understand, but I hadn't "gotten" the overstimulation that summer brings--plus that additional sense that I am doing it "wrong" by not having the "fun" I am supposed to be having. (And when you add the oppressive heat and humidity in GA, it can be a bear.)
"de-frag our brains" --LOVE it! I have worked a lot on loving my "past selves," and you have inspired me to really go for putting just as much effort into loving my "future selves."
SO glad you are in my life!
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 4, 2018 2:56:43 GMT -5
thank you, dear mylittlescholar! it's been a frustrating day! my car decided to not go this morning. i'll write more about that on my blog. i will be without a car for an unspecified amount of time - right before inspection. how inconvenient - really is throwing me for a loop! regardless, i got a few challenges done on chat with Unswamping and grasshopper. then i hit a wall of exhaustion and resistance and laid down for a nap at around 10:30 pm - got an hr sleep so here i am awake and hoping for more action. i hope to do a little research on the car situation before i have it towed by AAA tomorrow morning. just now i ordered cat food with Chewy and got on an autoship program - saved 13 bucks! the piles are freaking me out... it's all decisions. i hoard and am not good at these decisions. feeling depressed but gotta keep going. i also hope to submit 2 poems to the library for poetry month, deadline is today! need to go through them, stop agonizing, and just pick two! Done on the 4th on the deadline at the last minute
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Post by Unswamping on Apr 5, 2018 14:59:01 GMT -5
creativechaos i hope you can work through your anxiety and get the car fixed. Good job on ordering cat food and saving money!
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 5, 2018 15:10:58 GMT -5
thanks, dear Unswamping for the hug and encouragement. i talked to a local "toyota lover" guy who has a couple of tercels. he gave me some hope again. i may even be able to do much of this myself if i can swallow my fear. for now, ostrich-head in sand. going to meet social worker here around 3. if i have any boxes packed he will help me get them to storage. there, we can pick up some of my hoarded empty boxes; sure glad i didn't break them all down now! one time in a hundred, it pays to hoard - well maybe one time in a thousand - but i'll take it and be grateful for this time it actually might help me in THIS instance... sort of... skewed hoardy thinking... hopper and i are in WITS - chat doesn't seem to be working. i'm going to knuckle down and try to focus but not post much there.
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Post by Unswamping on Apr 5, 2018 16:40:52 GMT -5
creativechaos im glad you talked to that guy and feel better about the car. Focus on the social worker appointment for now. I have a hard time still with empty boxes too. Some of that same hoardy thinking. It does help though to help corral and clear out the hoard, even if its just going to storage.
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 5, 2018 18:54:12 GMT -5
thanks, my wise friend Unswamping. i did ok with the social worker. we took the equivalent of about 8 boxes to storage and i put them in (gulp, sob) my "wee shoppie art room." i really do NOT want to crap that up with excess stuff but it was easy and fast and temporary, i keep telling myself. BRAIN DUMP LIST: so it's countdown to inspection on the 18th... 12 full days left! take any trash out before dawn (Friday), especially food trash box up loose stuff - try not to obsess over every little detail! pile neatly somewhere corral papers into a box deal with decisions about broken-down car and timeline for fixing read more on toyota forum; get the guts to do diagnostic testing if i can't find someone to help order part - i think it's the fuel pump. since older car, this is accessible under the hood! (needing to channel my father's auto mechanic skillz) transplant purple kale into 4" pots water house plants before they die; i'm not kidding write out some lists and try not to lose them TADAS - mostly maintenance related: laundry in washer - yay - i got one! timer is set. cat fed, litter scooped watered houseplants and balcony plants flipped laundry into dryer posted message to someone on facebook about free Japanese Iris i dug food waste went out to dumpster clean clothes folded and put away dishes caught up; not cooking helps! as soon as my laundry is dry i am going to log off i think from the glowy thing and try to get things done without the distractions. i'm flawed that way... distractible!
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Post by mylittlescholar on Apr 6, 2018 11:41:51 GMT -5
SO proud of you, my brave creativechaos! you are pushing into your discomfort zone... so lean on us. And in my experience, the more I work in that zone, the easier it gets to work in that zone. And yes, I will have to deal with the "backlash" that comes up as a result, but I've gotten used to that cycle, and I've been able to "speed up" that cycle as I have come to recognize it, "normalize" it, accept it, have compassion for myself (in all phases of the cycle) and press on.
When the anxiety comes up, I have to tell myself that despite all of the alarm bells going off in my endocrine system, it is a "false" alarm, that *I* will feel better if I IGNORE everything my body is telling me and do the scary thing--and the sooner the better! It is so weird, because in that state, that feels like a dang LIE to every fiber of my being, so it becomes a leap of faith to know that the thing that I want to avoid is the medicine. I know you know this, but I guess we need to keep reminding ourselves, over and over again.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
And look at all of those s! A beautiful sight to behold!
ALSO, I wanted to say that I found your flikr photos, and I literally almost cried from how beautiful they were! Both you amazing art--the quilts, the paintings, the mosaics, the gardens! And the FLOWERS! Breathtaking!!!
So that is the "prize" to keep your eyes on. You are doing all of this hard, hard work so that you can continue to create and share and sell your gifts! You are doing it for you, for your muse, and for all who get to enjoy it. THANK YOU!
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 6, 2018 14:49:18 GMT -5
what a sweet encouraging message, mylittlescholar! thank you! (i wondered if you were the mysterious "follower" i just got on flickr, which, sadly, i never visit - if so, message me if so and we can talk about your cool favorite pictures! ) i will write about my continuing car saga on my blog. the news may be "not good" to "the end of my car." i almost cried on the spot when the mobile mechanic told me that - i could have totally prevented it! i have done little to nothing today. trying to keep depression at bay. yesterday i had done so well! i have empty boxes so need to make a list, keep PEEPing, and deal with one thing at a time. today would be a good day to garden. i also need to think about alternate transportation for the short and maybe long haul. it won't likely be a car if this one is kaput.
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