parallel
New Member
Joined: January 2017
Posts: 2
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Post by parallel on Jan 22, 2017 19:52:34 GMT -5
Hi guys,
I found this forum while searching for "doing dishes in the bathtub" and resolved to come back when I had finished.
Things have kind of come to a breaking point in my life. I've always been messy, but when I cohabitate I'm usually pretty good about keeping things clean. The problem is I live alone, and I seem caught in this cycle of frantically cleaning the whole place because someone may be coming over and just not caring enough to maintain the "visitor standard" in my personal time. As you can tell by my aforementioned google search, I let things get really out of hand. Well, today I admitted to a girl I've been seeing that the reason I didn't want her to come over was that I didn't want her to see my place like it is: a tower of mouldy dishes in the sink and on every conceivable surface, old mail and beer cans on the floor (I drink too much), dirty laundry everywhere, dust and hair multiplying....
The problem is she had been over numerous times after marathon cleaning sessions, and couldn't believe that my place would need hours of work to not be embarrassing. I didn't have the time or energy for another marathon. At that moment I had to admit to myself and to her that I had a problem, and she offered to come over and help. Great, right? Not on my life. The shame of having someone see my mess would end me. Well, she broke up with me when I refused her help, and I'm just sitting here feeling broken myself. This is the third time a relationship has ended because of how I clean (or fail to clean). It's more or less the same story each time, where I'm obstinate about having the lady over and they misread it as lack of interest or, worse, philandering. I am moderately successful in my professional life and keep a neat appearance... people never suspect me of this dirty secret, but it's a huge problem and is just eating me up inside right now. I just spent two hours sobbing and washing dishes in my bathtub and I can't live like this anymore.
Where do I start?
Thanks.
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Post by emeraldine on Jan 22, 2017 20:12:10 GMT -5
Parallel, welcome. I like you already. Instead of expecting the lady in your life to "rescue" you and become your unpaid housekeeper (something so many women fall into -- how I wish I could stop them! How I wish I had stopped myself earlier!) you've been honest about your problem and taken responsibility for it.
First, let me say I think you can redeem this relationship. I don't think it's doomed. Your honesty is hugely in your favour. But you need to work quickly.
If you truly do not have the energy to do another marathon clean (which is a method we at SooS do not recommend unless desperate), how about this?
1. Have your big cry. Do you good. Cleanse the toxins. 2. Big glass of water. 3. Make a list of what needs to be done in your house, and post it here. Be brutal. Do not skip anything. For example, if there are food scraps in your bedroom or faecal matter in your bathroom, tell us. We need to know what you are dealing with so we can help. It may be that bringing in a professional cleaner for a couple of hours, to deal with the heavy charring such as scrubbing bathroom and kitchen, will be the way to go. That's cool. Plenty of us do it.
We're here to give you moral support and practical advice.
You can do this.
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parallel
New Member
Joined: January 2017
Posts: 2
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Post by parallel on Jan 22, 2017 20:34:00 GMT -5
Thanks for the reply. I'm glad you think that, but I'm not so sure. I have to be up for work in a few hours, so I'll write up a list when I return tomorrow.
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Post by charis on Jan 22, 2017 20:43:16 GMT -5
Commiserations, parallel I am awfully sorry if this has cost you a relationship. It's not great fun to do chores when your heart is bruised either. I agree with Emeraldine that you should strike while the iron is hot in regards to cleaning up, but I hope you also find a way to coddle yourself a little as you go along.
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Post by joyinvirginia on Jan 22, 2017 21:02:22 GMT -5
Welcome! Can you afford to hire someone to come in every two weeks, or even once a month, to do a general clean? That would help keep you on track. You say you drink too much. Anything you can think of to cut back on the alcohol, or quit it completely? Best wishes! Check around here and you will get great ideas!
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Post by wit on Jan 22, 2017 21:06:44 GMT -5
Your best bet, if you've tried marathons and not been able to keep it up, is to force yourself to create some routines, and then stop. One routine could be doing dishes before bed. Do the day's dishes plus three from the old mess, put them away in the cupboard, then stop. Do you have easy access to laundry? Then do one load a day, all the way to put away in the drawer, then stop. Every time you're in the bathroom, get a lysol wipe or a rag, wipe one surface (no perfectionism!) then stop. Every morning, fill only one bag with trash and take it out on your way to work. Also, put a trash can in each room for sure. Open today's mail over it, then deal with two old pieces. Put today's beer cans in it along with one more. Think of it like eating, you could eat one huge meal once a week and make yourself sick, then starve the rest of the time (OK not really but it's a thought exercise) or you could eat several regular meals a day and feel great. Yes, it's more work, but the results are worth it. I really think that if you live alone ie one person's mess, and not an emotional hoarding issue that the slow and steady method can work wonders. Give yourself rewards or do self-peptalks, even if it feels silly it can help build habits. The clean house now is not the goal, the routine/habit is the goal. The clean house will just naturally follow; if you are cleaning slightly more than you are messing everyday then it must, eventually.
Or, if this doesn't work for you, ignore the preceding lengthy paragraph completely! Either way, good luck!
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Post by imamess on Jan 23, 2017 7:04:50 GMT -5
Hello Parallel! Nice to meet you. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I live alone and go through cycles of cleaning and then letting everything go and I know how hard this is. Wit is right, it's all about habits.
You will find a lot of good information here and lots of support. You have taken the first steps of wanting to live differently and you can do this!
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Post by aquamarine on Jan 23, 2017 10:41:31 GMT -5
It takes a long while for some of us - including me - to 'get' that keeping our homes in a good condition is best done by doing something every day. These mad marathons are very stressful and do not address the real issue, which is that we should do it for ourselves and not just because someone is coming.
We deserve a comfortable home and not to worry about having visitors.
After a clearout, which involves rubbish, recycling, donating and selling where appropriate, we need to learn maintenance habits and perform them regularly. This takes time.
You say that you can do it, but not when you live alone. That is understandable. Maybe you could do it for us now!
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Post by megsb on Jan 23, 2017 22:34:33 GMT -5
It takes a long while for some of us - including me - to 'get' that keeping our homes in a good condition is best done by doing something everyday.You say that you can do it, but not when you live alone. That is understandable. Maybe you could do it for us now! Welcome! What a good idea aquamarine has! Think of this group as being your company every day! p.s. Don't get discouraged. You can do this. Slowly but surely, you can!
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Post by shellsncheese on Jan 24, 2017 9:49:49 GMT -5
Welcome!
You are not alone! I've done dishes in the bathtub (hell, I even showered with dishes stacked in the corner of the bathtub for a few weeks). Change can happen and you can do. I understand how you feel about squalor ruining outside relationships. Start small, and build habits slowly. There is a ton of support here.
I would suggest start by setting a timer for 10 minutes, pick a spot (maybe the kitchen counter) and just start cleaning. Or spend 10 minutes picking up any obvious trash in your home.
Your home did not get like this overnight and it won't be fixed overnight either.
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Post by def6 on Jan 24, 2017 10:41:50 GMT -5
I'm so sorry parallel that you've lost relationships over your mess. Quit that! The thing is, if it's good enough for you to live in day to day...then it's good enough for your friend to see. Speaking personally, when I got tired of living that double life (and you will) I just threw the doors open to the good, the bad and yes ..the ugly and I became transparent. There is a freedom in that! And we can change ...get better , grow, improve. Reach out to your friend and get some help...Love yourself!
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Post by outfromundah on Jan 24, 2017 11:33:12 GMT -5
Hi and welcome, parallel! I can relate to much of what you wrote. My bad habits around cleaning and housekeeping played a major role in the end of my marriage. I also first came here at a time when every dish, bowl, glass, mug, pot, pan, and utensil I owned was dirty and piled up everywhere in my tiny apartment, and I have had several marathon dishwashing-in-the-bathtub sessions since then. My sink is shiny and empty now, so if I can turn that situation around, so can you! For now, the first thing you could benefit from would be to go around your place and pick up the obvious garbage. Beer cans into one bag for recycling, if you have that option where you live, the rest into trash bags. Clumps of dust, food scrapings, snack wrappers/bags, etc. Pick up as much as you can and take them out as soon as you can. The place will feel so much better immediately. Next, see if you can clean a small area. How about your toilet? That can often be grossly neglected, but isn't too hard to fix. Being that the toilet is usually the first thing we see each day, it's a more pleasant way to start the day and can be a motivator if it's clean. You can do this!
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Post by ohblondie on Jan 24, 2017 12:02:03 GMT -5
Please repeat after me "there is nothing wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with me'!!
You have gotten some wonderful suggestions here. Pick one and act on it. then pick another. then another. It is all baby steps that add up.
Keep us posted - we are rooting for you!
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Post by closetofchaos on Jan 24, 2017 21:26:46 GMT -5
This only fixes a small part of the problem but may help: some messy friends like to eat their meals with paper plates and plastic utensils, which they can throw away immediately after using. Do your dishes every night after dinner until it becomes a routine. Happens to the best of us♡
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Post by hiding on Jan 24, 2017 23:45:29 GMT -5
Welcome! There is a lot of practical advice and unending, abundant support here. Things will get better. You will get better. Please don't be discouraged. Note that I am talking to myself as well as to you.
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