ohboy
New Member
Joined: March 2017
Posts: 6 
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Post by ohboy on Mar 20, 2017 3:31:08 GMT -5
I live in a one bedroom apartment by myself. I moved into this current apartment in August. I can't really remember exactly how things were going with regard to cleanliness/organization in the first month or so, but at least since September, I have not cleaned my apartment once. I have a chronic anxiety disorder and sometimes go through depression as well. (I do get help for this through talk therapy.)
One of the first problems that arose was leaving some food waste out. A half-eaten bag of microwave rice left on top my refrigerator became a breeding ground for fruit flies(?), and their larvae would crawl out across the top/front of the fridge. Many of them dried up, and their dead shells are still stuck to the fridge. Luckily the colony has mostly died off, although there are still some living and flying around.
I have two lovely cats whom I adore and who have been with me for nearly a decade now. Taking care of their waste became not a thing, and as the litter box overflowed, they started relieving themselves on the floor in two separate places, one in the bedroom and one in the main living space. They have also thrown up and spit up many times all over the apartment. The apartment has laminate wood flooring, so it's better than having carpet, I suppose.
I never fully unpacked so the boxes/containers became the beginning of mess. In both my main living space and my bedroom, there is little space to walk due to lots of trash. There have been piles of trash on my bed continuously, and I've been sleeping on a very small portion of one side. I haven't washed my sheets since moving in even though I've spilled food/drink on them. My duvet has been without its cover and it is now stained/discolored, is covered with cat hair, and has been in contact with cat waste.
My bathroom has piles of trash mixed in with clothes and usable toiletries. The drain in the tub has gotten more and more clogged, and it's to the point where it doesn't drain all the way after a shower, so the mildew is getting thick.
I rent this place and I'm mortified by the thought of management/maintenance entering my apartment. I imagine getting evicted or just the shame of someone else seeing these living conditions. I worry that even if/when I get the place clean, I'll never remove the smell of cat.
Often I sit in my car outside after arriving home because I don't want to think about the state of things, and sometimes I actually fall asleep there instead of my bed.
I'm in my late twenties and feel ashamed of not being able to live/handle responsibility 'like an adult.' I have thoughts that I can't handle being my cats' caretaker/don't deserve to be. I would like to be dating but the thought of getting close enough with someone to get to the point of them expecting to be able to visit my apartment stops me from trying to connect with people on dating sites/apps or in person. I just yesterday had friends who wanted to come over but I obviously couldn't let them. I haven't cooked since September and have just been surviving off of microwaveable food and take-out, which is expensive, not so healthy, and contributes to the amount of trash.
I've had difficulty with this in the past (including the apartment I had previous to this one) – the fruit flies, overflowing litter box, piles of trash, etc. I once had a friend pressure me as to why I couldn't have him over, which led to him (in the presence of two other friends) ask, "What, is there just cat s*** everywhere?" which was quite shameful. But this is probably worse than its ever been.
I know there's a way out, but the dread and shame stops me from starting. I also have a seemingly endless to-do list of things unrelated to my squalor and am in some financial trouble, which makes it feel like there's no time to take care of anything. I just learned about this site, though, and I hope making this post is the start of a recovery journey. I've read a few posts, and the combination of learning that other real people have gone through or are going through very similar situations and seeing the kind, non-judgmental, supportive responses that have been given has been very comforting. Thank you for reading this. <3
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Post by wind on Mar 20, 2017 3:44:40 GMT -5
Hi, and welcome! Honestly, EVERYTHING in my life gets easier once I get things reasonably clean. Starting the process is the hardest part, too. It's easiest for me to cajole myself into moving when I break things down into micro tasks, like: 1) find trash bags, 2)start filling one, 3)fill it a little more and take a break then, perhaps. (coming up with to-do lists with ridiculously low expectations has proven to be my secret sauce for acting something like a Real Adult,  ) Have you ever done a big clean-up before? |
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ohboy
New Member
Joined: March 2017
Posts: 6
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Post by ohboy on Mar 20, 2017 3:49:39 GMT -5
Hi, and welcome! Honestly, EVERYTHING in my life gets easier once I get things reasonably clean. Starting the process is the hardest part, too. It's easiest for me to cajole myself into moving when I break things down into micro tasks, like: 1) find trash bags, 2)start filling one, 3)fill it a little more and take a break then, perhaps. (coming up with to-do lists with ridiculously low expectations has proven to be my secret sauce for acting something like a Real Adult, ) Have you ever done a big clean-up before? Hi wind, thank you so much for your reply. Yes, the 'micro tasks' idea is really helpful. I've had a few moments of success with that kind of thinking. And yeah, I've cleaned my way out of two trashed apartments before. |
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Post by wind on Mar 20, 2017 3:52:36 GMT -5
Hi, and welcome! Honestly, EVERYTHING in my life gets easier once I get things reasonably clean. Starting the process is the hardest part, too. It's easiest for me to cajole myself into moving when I break things down into micro tasks, like: 1) find trash bags, 2)start filling one, 3)fill it a little more and take a break then, perhaps. (coming up with to-do lists with ridiculously low expectations has proven to be my secret sauce for acting something like a Real Adult, ) Have you ever done a big clean-up before? Hi wind, thank you so much for your reply. Yes, the 'micro tasks' idea is really helpful. I've had a few moments of success with that kind of thinking. And yeah, I've cleaned my way out of two trashed apartments before. Cool! So this isn't your first rodeo. You've done it before, and you can do it again.  Have you ever tried scheduling a party/get-together months in advance to work as an incentive to clean and keep it clean? |
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Post by dtesposito on Mar 20, 2017 8:56:46 GMT -5
Hi ohboy, you've found the right place, if you're willing to put the work in, you can slowly dig yourself out of where you are right now. Keep posting, and keep trying. Find a working thread and commit to visiting there often--tell us what you're doing, and we'll encourage you.
What struck me when reading your post is that you have 2 senior cats that need your attention. You obviously care about them to have them for so long, so if you commit to doing one thing, get their litter pans under control--you don't have to clean the apartment first, if you give them clean pans, they will start using them.
I know you said your finances aren't good, but believe me, this investment will make everything better in the future--go out and buy two large clean fresh litter pans, and enough clumping litter (the powdered kind) to fill each pan to 4 inches of litter. If you don't have a good scoop, buy one, preferably metal but any strong one will do. Put the two pans in two separate places in your apartment, possibly near where they're using the floor but not tucked so far away that they're not obvious to where the cats hang out. Then, no matter, what, come rain or shine, no matter how you feel or what you're doing--first thing in the morning, take a small plastic bag and go and scoop those pans. Put the bag near the door to take out and throw away the next time you leave the apartment. If you do this every day (twice a day is better but you're starting small) the litter will last a long time because you're only removing the waste, the rest of the litter stays clean. Your cats will realize they now have a clean place to go and they will start using it. You'll have to clean up whatever's on the floor in the long term, but getting in the habit of litter pan care will make everything else better (and using the clumping litter makes is SO MUCH EASIER for you to keep them clean--you will only have to wash out a pan once or twice a year if you keep up with the scooping and replacing the litter as it goes down below 3-4 inches).
It will also make you feel better about yourself because at least your sweet cats will be getting the care they need. You will build on this feeling.
You can do this, a little at a time.
Diane
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Post by shellsncheese on Mar 20, 2017 9:57:52 GMT -5
Welcome!
Know that you are not alone. Starting with the litter boxes and obvious trash is great advice and I encourage you to start there. Start small, pick up 10 things or just pick up trash for 10, 5 or 2 minutes, then come back here and tell us what you did.
I went through exactly what you are going through now, with not being able to have friends over and not wanting to get close to someone in a relationship because how can you possibly let them over. It will get better. You can do this. You've done this before, and this time you will have support here and hopefully work with us towards maintaining your space.
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Post by def6 on Mar 20, 2017 10:27:33 GMT -5
I would get the old food out and the cat waste out first. To make a fruit fly trap: You can put apple cider vinegar in a jar and put 1 drop of dish detergent in it. Dead fruit flies. Then get the trash out of there , the garbage and any kitty litter. Thoroughly clean your kitchen sink and place dirty cups glasses and plates in very hot water to soak. You could take a breather at this point, gather all of the laundry go to the laundry mat, it would save you a lot of work if you let them do it. Get a quote. I know money is tight , but if you can get your apartment livable , it would actually save you in the long run. Once the big stuff is done , I think you could probably get some help for the rest of it. Please don't feel bad about yourself. Many people on this board and in general "get down" and they are not able to take care of things . These household systems get stalled, clogged, and grow into seemingly insurmountable mountains. Right now, the mess is controlling your relationships and your social life. Don't let that trash be your bed partner.Hugs  |
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Post by magda on Mar 20, 2017 10:47:50 GMT -5
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Post by notanotherdecade on Mar 20, 2017 14:31:19 GMT -5
Hello ohboy  welcome to the forum, You set me thinking how small events can have a domino effect, one thing leads to another,,,, and soon we are squashed by the result.. Or in the reverse direction also small gains create bigger further wins.. I've had to resort to meds to help with depression, but they don't suit everyone, Sorry it's evening here, and I'm too tired to write sensibly now. But wanted to say hello and wish you well. |
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Post by joyinvirginia on Mar 20, 2017 15:38:38 GMT -5
Hi oh boy, welcome! You will get some great ideas here.
I have chronic depression, and I could not get things under control until I went on antidepressant medication. Then it was amazing, how much more energy I had and how much better I could focus on doing things that needed to get done.
Tell your therapist what your home is like, whether you go on meds or not, you need specialized help. Not every therapist has the skills to help folks with hoarding issues.
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Post by notanotherdecade on Mar 20, 2017 16:04:54 GMT -5
Saw this pic, and wanted to share at times we all only tiptoe for a while.
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Post by Minerva on Mar 20, 2017 18:51:31 GMT -5
Obviously, you need to take steps to ensure that your health isn't compromised by your living conditions. However, psychologically, I suspect that looking after your cats will give you the biggest mental boost. If making sure they have clean litter trays will lift some of the guilt and shame that you are feeling, then I think dtesposito's advice is a good place to start. Maybe make sure that they have a clean place, and then make a clean space for yourself (maybe by clearing your bed/washing your sheets?) Posting here is a great first step. You can do this :-) |
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Post by creativechaos on Mar 21, 2017 17:53:13 GMT -5
hi, ohboy; what dtesposito says - about your beloved cats. it's obvious by what you write that you love them. tell yourself that if you can't do this for yourself, you can do it for them. buying the cats some new litterboxes and litter and getting in the habit of scooping their boxes daily or twice a day, will help so much with all of your health, and give you some hope. i'm a hoarder and a squalorer, and i love my cat too and have felt so bad for him living in goat trails much of the time. but i have learned to do 1 thing religiously: scoop twice a day. his litter stays nice and clean there is no odor. our senior cats deserve our love and affection. i found that by starting with what i loved most (my cat!) i could keep going, i could get up and do something for him, even when i felt like the biggest piece of crap in the world. (that feeling pervades sometimes). the way out of recurring shame is through action - even the tiniest action. regardless of the shame, i hope you will tell yourself that you are worthy of a clean environment, and i know that you think that your beloved cats are. there are many good threads on this forum that are work-along threads. they are so helpful. you can do one thing a day, and post it. if it's trash, maintain dealing with trash dealing with the cat litter and trash will give you a good start. next, the fruit flies and cleaning up the dead remains. those traps really do work, and you don't even need to cover with plastic wrap. even if you just get the kitchen back together, maintain taking out the trash, doing the litter boxes, and keeping the bathroom relatively clean, this will give you a great start in building good habits again and allow you to do things like cook. you can take tiny steps in short bursts. please do this for yourself and then come tell us how you are doing - often! we understand; we've been there, and we care. |
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Post by shabbychic on Apr 3, 2017 10:05:24 GMT -5
I can relate to not unpacking. I lost some things when my dog helpfully unpacked for me (years after I moved in) when she panicked during a thunderstorm. However, I did get those boxes unpacked! I'd be concerned about your kitties peeing or spraying on your boxes and ruining the contents. Agree that the litter boxes might be the place to start. I've seen these commercials for a clumping litter that slides right out of the box rather than caking on, don't know what it costs or if it works, as I don't have cats. I have had them in the past, and I know that smell. Nothing like it.
May be OT, but I want to add that nobody has a right to pressure you to allow them to visit, even when your apartment is spotless. In fact, my inner smart-a** would have wanted to reply, with no trace of shame, "Yes, as a matter of fact there is cat **** everywhere!" And I don't even have a cat.
I have alternated between cooking from scratch and nuking everything. In my experience, cooking is messier. YMMV. I am working on developing the habit of cleaning as I cook. But sometimes the pots and pans are still crusty long after the food is eaten. I suppose I could try making myself a rule that I can't eat until I've cleaned up from cooking, but I don't know if I would follow it.
Sometimes it seems like I spend so much time keeping the kitchen in maintenance that I don't make much progress on the rest of the place. If I were trying to get an apartment under control as you describe, I might intentionally keep on not cooking for a little while so I could focus on other things. There are some healthy alternatives both for frozen microwaveable food and for eating out. You might also consider fruits and veggies that can be eaten with no prep at all. Just don't buy for more than one or two days at a time. (A bag of mini sweet peppers for snacking - yum!)
Just my $.02, while I procrastinate on whatever it is I really should be doing. Take what you can use, leave the rest. Best of luck!
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Post by hannah on Apr 3, 2017 11:50:26 GMT -5
I hope that you are still coming here and reading, even if you aren't posting. I am in my mid-fifties, and if there is one big thing I wish I could change about my life, it would be that I wouldn't waste so many years hiding behind and sacrificing so much for my hoard. I can tell you from experience, that as the years go by, the hoard and all the feelings of shame and hopelessness get worse, not better. (And your energy level and physical strength don't improve either, making it harder to carry out that garbage and navigate the little goat trails everywhere.) So please try to face this head-on now and deal with it, instead of living with it for the next 30 years, like I have.
You are working on your depression and anxiety, and have a wonderful support group here. Challenge yourself to take those baby steps. . . you can do this, and it will be SO worth it in the future.
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