boymarconi
New Member
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 2
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Post by boymarconi on Dec 2, 2008 23:04:11 GMT -5
hello everyone! Hope you are all good.
I used to lurk on the old forum, but found it hard to contribute as it would always make my problem 'real'. I find this difficult, as I'm sure many of you do. I might not contribute much to this one too, but I would like to say a big THANKS for reminding me that I'm not alone. I means a lot to me.
This is my story...
I'm very good at ignoring my problems, my mess is all around me, yet it bothers me not.
I also have a double whammy of a deal.
The mess, which if it where just that... I could deal with. I will always be outrageously untidy but if and when I should choose to the problem is 'sorted' quickly so to say.
When I moved into my current home I undertook a frenzied and unthoughtful renovation. stripping out carpets, wallpaper, fittings, the kitchen, furniture, etc. gutting it to a shell. my plan being to create my own perfect home. nothing fancy, the flat was in need of attention and was a 'fixer-upper'. But i never got past the gutting out stage. I was, and still am in DIY-SOS hell. When my enthusiasm faded, I was heavy hearted at the amount of work that lied ahead. It is a small, but old city flat and nothing is straight forward. no wall is straight, plaster will crumble when you touch it, and requires skill and focus to complete. Add to that years of clutter and mess. Even if I do clear it out, which I have done on occasions, e.g. to let the meter guy in last year, it is still a cold shell of a home. If I do clear it for utility folk to visit, I explain (lie) that I am just in the middle of renovating, even placing cans of paint, stepladders, tools etc in plain view to support this. But as soon as the are gone, the mess returns.
I always felt tired and down after working all day, and never could find the energy to see to the project at hand.
It came to a head last year when I saved up money and quit my job of 10yrs, to sort this once and for all. I spent 8 months at home just getting more and more depressed and adding more and more to the chaos. Not an ounce of work was done. Now I am back at work though only part time, as I cannot find a good job, though I thought this not to be too bad as I have have both money and time to sort this, but nothing gets done.
I build myself up with motivational thoughts to tackle this, but never get off the starting blocks.
I come home every day from work, and do nothing. I don't even sit in front of the TV or waste time on unimportant things. I get in... go to bed... shut my eyes, and it all goes away. on my days off, I don't get out of bed at all.
I do have a proper bed. a washing machine and functioning bathroom, so that I'm always clean and well presented. add to that a fridge, kettle and microwave to feed myself. I live in about 10% of the actual space.
Now that my friends and family are really starting to question why they aren't allowed to visit I can see myself start to pull away from them. I feel so lonely.
I've always been untidy, but with that I've learned the the art of how to get stuck in with a massive tidy. I know I'll never change and have developed my own way of dealing with that.
But even If I clear this mess, It just reveals the next, bigger problem.
I will NEVER ask for help from those I know, this is high level squalor.
I just needed to say this to some one/people who don't know me.
Thanks for listening (reading).
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Dec 2, 2008 23:47:15 GMT -5
Welcome!
It sounds like you may be dealing with depression, and maybe some attention issues too. I am glad that you decided to take the first step of posting here. This is just the beginning of the changes that are coming your way!
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Post by notsomessyshell on Dec 3, 2008 0:45:26 GMT -5
Welcome. You are among people who understand.
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Post by Ican on Dec 3, 2008 4:15:02 GMT -5
I might not contribute much to this one too, but I would like to say a big THANKS for reminding me that I'm not alone. I means a lot to me. ... <snip> .... Now that my friends and family are really starting to question why they aren't allowed to visit I can see myself start to pull away from them. I feel so lonely. ... <snip> .... I just needed to say this to some one/people who don't know me. BoyMarconi, Hello! Welcome! I'm glad you're here. You did great to post that message. You really did. Good for you!!! You mentioned being lonely, due to the clutter. I can relate to that. Since I won't allow people to come in my house, I am too. Here's a hug for you: A few people have sometimes invited me to come to their house. And I might go to their house once or twice. Or I'll meet people someplace like a restaurant or movie. ... But when they start asking where I live, I get anxious. . .. I try to avoid telling them where I live, and I just give a vague answer. I won't give them my address. ... And if they keep asking, then I try to avoid seeing the person and cut off contact with them. One thing I like about the discussion board is that people here understand. They are friendly and non-judgmental. Because we have similar problems with too much clutter and mess. I can see what you mean about the unfinished renovation in your house. I'm sorry that your house is that way for now. Hopefully, in time that can be changed. ... I guess as the saying goes about "how does one eat an elephant? One bite at at time." is probably applicable. ... Just as all journeys go, it has to be one step at a time. (I hope that makes sense - I'm just trying to be helpful.) I think you are in the right place being here. People here are nice and have some good suggestions. And they are great at motivation and encouragement. BoyMarconi, you are not alone.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 3, 2008 8:52:04 GMT -5
- Hi brother! Welcome! There's nothing "wrong" with you. You're a wonderful person. You just happen to not be feeling well. One possibility is that you are suffering from depression. Depression is an illness, like diabetes or the flu. Treatable, and nothing to be ashamed of.
Some people find help for depression via certain prescriptions. Other people find help for depression via "Cognitive Behavior Therapy". Others use a combination of both. I'm not going to tell you which method to pursue.
I do suggest that you go to as many doctors and counselors as you can -- until you find someone you feel you can work with.
If you're too scared to make a phone call, see if you can order the book "Feeling Good" (by David Burns) from your library. You can start reading, as a way to begin changing your outlook. That can be a beginning to help you find courage to phone for a doctor. But I do suggest you seek medical or counseling advice as soon as you can. Another possibility is that you have some sort undetected physical ailment. Such as a thyroid imbalance. Or possibly anemia. Or some other undiagnosed ailment. Any of these physical conditions can make a person feel as though they have no energy. All reasons to see a doctor as soon as you can! Other things to consider: - "Demand Resistance"
as explained in this thread: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/thread/16221
- For more situations that contribute to squalor, read this:
www.squalorsurvivors.com/squalor/causes.shtml
- Most of us have a combination of reasons that we've remained messy.
- I myself, like you, never had any interest in a clean house. And messiness never bothered me. But I found that reading all the materials/concepts that I've mentioned so far -- even though some of them didn't apply to my own situation -- still helped me.
Another thing that helped me was reading the forums EVERY day. I read about people cleaning and overcoming challenges. I didn't want to clean. But after many months of reading about members cleaning, I began to have a small interest in wanting to cultivate an interest in cleaning. . I knew I wanted to cultivate that interest, so I hung around at the prior forum and also here, just to fan those weak flames of interest. Finally, after more than 2 years, I actually WANT to clean -- sometimes. As far as the "renovations" are concerned, you might want to read Fivecat's story for inspiration: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/thread/123
I'm not suggesting that you have a "princess" attitude. Fivecat was speaking about herself within the specific context of her own story.
But I suggest you read her story for general inspiration about cleaning and fixing things -- and dealing with a crazy house -- when it seems impossible or overwhelming!
There have been months when I needed to read her story every day.I build myself up with motivational thoughts to tackle this, but never get off the starting blocks. Aha! That might be a key. We've discovered here that one can have all the motivational thoughts in the universe, but that won't clean the house. Amazing, isn't it? There is an expression here, which I first learned from "margaret56", and she first learned from someone else, etc .... "Motivation FOLLOWS action".It sounds odd, but I've found it to be true. Pick one piece of trash up. Then another. Then rest. Then do it again. Somehow, the physical ACTIVITY starts to change your brain and then the motivation follows afterwards. Really. It's true. And if I do something for 30 seconds every day ... I eventually want to try doing something for 5 minutes every day. Eventually, after many months of doing this, I wanted to do a wee bit more. But the motivation FOLLOWED my action. --- Welcome, brother! -
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Post by messymimi on Dec 3, 2008 12:00:44 GMT -5
Welcome, Boymarconi !
The others are right, you do sound depressed. It's no wonder, actually, and it would be a chicken and egg discussion to try to figure out which came first, or how messes and depression feed off of each other. Still, you must be capable of change -- you posted here, and that is a change.
When you talk about being so lonely, it breaks my heart. I hope you will at least keep reading, keep trying, keep taking tiny steps forward so that you will someday be able to welcome people back into your life. Do only what you feel comfortable doing, however, and post only if you feel up to it.
It's good to have you here.
messymimi
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Post by sporadic on Dec 3, 2008 12:06:19 GMT -5
I'm a new also, and have no words of inspiration for you. But welcome. Do not feel lonely here - you are among friends. I feel your pain at being overwhelmed with the situation.
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Post by mallery on Dec 3, 2008 13:31:43 GMT -5
Hi Boymarconi! Ya know what? I have a big roll of vinyl flooring in my back bedroom; I bought it 3 YEARS AGO, because I was going to tear up the carpeting and put down a nice floor that was easy to clean (dog pee, etc). Well, I tore up most of the old carpeting, but it was more of a job than I could manage by myself. End of "fixing up " that floor.
You are amoung friends here. Please continue to check in and read, and say "hello", OK? (((hugs)))
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Post by dayeanu on Dec 3, 2008 13:40:08 GMT -5
I'm also new here, and understand what you're dealing with. I pulled everything out to have the carpets shampooed in 1988, and you can guess the rest. Flylady says never pull out more than you can put back in one hour. NOW she tells me!!!
As for going to bed as soon as you get home, I know it well. I call it escape therapy. On the positive side, the rest is good for you. When one is stressed, or depressed, the body needs rest, just as with any other illness, so you are doing a good thing there. (Far better than sitting up half the night playing computer games!)
You are definitely stressed, and you might be depressed, or you might be physically sick, or you might just be hellaciously bored. I believe boredom is a huge factor for me. Really, can you think of anything more boring than cleaning house? I think as a whole we tend to be a very creative, intelligent lot, who can't stand a lot of monotony or too much boredom or routine, such as housekeeping often involves.
On occasion, I found it helped me tremendously to volunteer. I have volunteered at a children's hospital, a day care, a teacher's aide, and at the Red Cross after a huge tornado leveled our town. (Missed my house, wouldn't you know it!) I figured I wasn't going to be doing anything constructive at home anyway, and I might as well be doing something worthwhile with my time. I didn't think I had the energy to do it, but the change of scene and being around different people and situations was really rather invigorating, and got my mind off me. Any change of scene, actually, seems to help get me out of the rut, and gives me something else to think about when I'm at home doing those mindless chores. It helped me get my situation in perspective, too. (I have to be careful, though, because I am a soft touch and get taken advantage of easily, so I stick with organizations where I'm not at risk of being bilked by the "victims." I could NEVER volunteer at a homeless shelter, or an animal shelter, I'd have them all home with me.) PLUS, when all those people want to come for a visit, you can say, "I'd love to have you, but I've just got to work at the ........, they are short-staffed and really need me." (A great excuse, and people admire you for your dedication to a worthy cause!) 2) Another thing I have found to help may sound wierd, but it works for me. I tell myself I only have to pick up one thing, and throw it away. Or I only have to wash one dish. After all, if I do one extra thing a day, I'll eventually see progress. I find that after I overcome my inertia by picking up that one thing, I am able to pick up that second thing, and then a third, and the ball starts rolling.
I've also read that regular daily exercise is as effective for depression as medications. I don't know, but I started walking two days ago.
You really have to read Fivecat's story and look at everyone's photos here and on Squalor Survivors. You will see that you are NOT alone, in fact, you are ahead of a lot of us, and we can do it.
I'm glad you're here!
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Post by Arid on Dec 3, 2008 20:06:14 GMT -5
Welcome, boymarconi. I've read through your post a couple of times, and I still can't determine if you merely are venting or if you are asking for suggestions as to how to change your current situation! Along with "woe is me" (shouldn't that be *I*?), I "hear" you saying, "this is just the way it is, and NOTHING can be done about it!" I get the sense that you might be "punishing" yourself for having created such a big mess in the first place. Well, there is a LOT that can be done about it--should you make the choice to do so. I heartily concur that depression, attention deficit disorder, and physical (i.e. health) issues all may be playing a part in your situation. You have received lots of good advice about addressing those. In the meantime, while dealing with those, there ARE things that you can do to help yourself. First of all, you can ETE--Eliminate the Evidence. That means to "clean up" after yourself each and every day: put things away after you have used them; wipe up spills as they occur; discard trash and garbage appropriately. Just taking these steps (I'll refrain from using the adjective "simple" since they often are NOT simple for folks in the beginning of their recovery from/out of squalor. !!!) will STOP the mess from gettiing worse. It is highly likely, in fact, that you will find yourself cleaning up bits of your old mess here and there as you go along, and that, too, will help you to work your way out of your squalor. Next, take a look at all the work that needs to be completed to turn your gutted, shell of a home into the kind of living space that you first envisioned when you began the demolition process. MAKE A LIST of every, single, solitary step that needs to be taken to get the job done! Do you need to get special permits for some of the work? Do you need to take out a loan to buy the necessary supplies? Do you intend to do the work yourself, or do you need to hire someone? How big does the budget need to be? Are there ways that you can economize on the projects? Don't hyperventilate and duck under the covers!!! You've tried that already, and it doesn't help. FACE THE PROBLEM squarely. I don't care if your "list" runs several pages long; actually, it probably should. Once you've made your list, go back through it and prioritize. What needs to be done first--get financing in place? get the necessary permits? hire help? Some of these things can be done concurrently. Keep in mind that you don't have to tackle the whole flat at once. You can choose to do the fixing up that is easiest and quickest first, or you could choose to do the repairs that would give you the most benefit the most quickly. You could choose to work at it from a "systems" approach (i. e. heating, electrical, water, etc.), or you could choose to work on a particular room at a time (bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, etc.) You could choose to repair ONE tiny thing for a start--I don't care if it is as simple as putting in new light bulbs. The most important thing of all is that you DO SOMETHING!!! Come to think of it, the new light bulbs might be the way to go. You would be helping the environment if you change to the new energy efficient bulbs. With better lighting, you can see more easily what needs to be done, and with better lighting, you might feel less depressed. So, we are back to that old adage about "eating an elephant one bite at a time." If you go at it methodically, you CAN repair your flat--one step at a time. It's great to have a male join us again. I hope that you stay with us. We will be looking forward to hearing more from you. Arid
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boymarconi
New Member
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 2
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Post by boymarconi on Dec 4, 2008 23:24:50 GMT -5
Thank you! I can't put into words how much your responses have moved me. I will cetainly act upon your advice. I'm so glad to be able to share my story with you. My inital post was my 'coming out'. That was the 1st time I had communicated with anyone, the almighty 'elephant' that lives with me. I guess I've spent too much of my life attending to other peoples woes and problems. Helping other people is what I do best, but stumble when it comes to looking after me. ...need to change that. Never thought of myself as a depressed person, though to be honest I don't really think anything of myself at the moment. so will give my doc a call on Monday. I'm sorry guys, if I seemed to rant earlier, but it was. An ugly rant about a horrible problem. But that's that part over, step one is done. This is no longer a private issue, and again I am grateful for the time you have taken to listen, and respond. I gave up smoking a couple of months ago, and people often ask me how I did it. I tell them I stopped buying cigarettes. You see I'm good at NOT doing things, so maybe I should look at what else I could 'not' do. step 2: NOT waiting til moday to phone the doctor. Thanks guys...
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Post by AnnieOkie on Dec 4, 2008 23:29:36 GMT -5
I am so glad you are here with us. I don't know if I would have ever taken the step to start getting my house under control if I had not found this place. It has literally saved me. I have a long way to go, but I've made some big steps with the support of the wonderful people on this board. Please keep us posted on how you are doing....we really do care.
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Post by rainbowgoddess on Dec 5, 2008 2:44:35 GMT -5
Hello boymarconi! I'm new here too. This is a great place for encouragement. The people here understand what you're going through.
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Post by crazycatlady on Dec 5, 2008 23:49:38 GMT -5
Welcome. I have a dear friend who is skilled at planning and destruction. At one point she had removed 1/2 of her kitchen cabinets, leaving a hole in the kitchen floor, and no oven. She went from room to room, tearing up, and doing half jobs. Ah, such grand plans, but it stayed like that for years. When she started talking about moving the wide fireplace to another wall, I really got worried. She finally ended up paying for help to put things back together, and the part that was completed the last time I visited, really looked nice.
Perhaps you can do a quick clean, and pay someone to do some of the work?
I live in a fixer-upper, too. And boy are those non-square walls difficult to fix! We have a tiny wall in a corner beside a doorway that is about 1/2 inch wide at the bottom, and two inches wide at the top!
Like you said, you have put it into writing, and shared your deep secret with us. Now its time to learn some new skills. I hope that we can continue to provide you with the support and help that you need.
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outofchaos
New Member
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 65
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Post by outofchaos on Dec 8, 2008 10:37:38 GMT -5
boymarconi,
I am also new here, but some of what you wrote sounds familiar. I have had painters tape up in my kitchen since 2002. I have half painted walls and cabinets. I ran out of steam early on, and have never quite gotten it back.
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