neff
New Member
Joined: December 2017
Posts: 1 
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Post by neff on Dec 29, 2017 8:58:38 GMT -5
Hi, I have struggled with squalor for at least 10 years. I think it may be exacerbated by my bipolar disorder which I receive treatment for, but I do still have some psychotic symptoms like disordered thinking, and I have complex grief issues, but I have never told my psychiatrist about my issues at home because I am worried he will send someone here. I have spent a bit of time in psychiatric hospitals over the past couple of years with bipolar depression and epilepsy, and the squalor has got more out of control when I have been sick (when I get really depressed it's hard to even do stuff like shower and get dressed). Currently I would say my house is at third degree mainly due to the state of the kitchen, and some stuff doesn't work in the house anymore because I don't like to have people inside so if things stop working I just don't call to get it fixed. Because I own my house and live by myself there isn't anyone else to complain about that. I have quite an accumulation of possessions in spare rooms, which I am not really attached to, I just don't really know how to get rid of them because I can't drive and I'm very socially isolated so can't ask anyone for help, and I also have trouble organising things and working out what I need to keep or throw out, I get confused. I think if I really needed to I could honestly just throw the lot out, I am just so over it. I just don't know how to go about it.
The reason that I am freaking out and joined here is that my house caught on fire today. I didn't realise because my house is really big and it was the back of the house outside, and the fire men were knocking on the door for ages because I won't ever answer the door to people. Of course I had to let them in and that was awful. Immediately I thought it must be my fault. The police and fire men were really nice and saying they weren't going to hurt me and were there to help, I had been screaming at them to go away so they could probably tell something wasn't right. They said someone probably threw a cigarette butt which started the fire.
Anyway, this is all just so completely unmanageable. My house catches fire and I don't even want to let the fire brigade in to help me. The reality that people could need to come into my house at any time for an emergency has me feeling threatened. I have been "managing" my situation by keeping the doors shut. Now I have to make an insurance claim so the insurance people and contractors will be coming around too. Of course I have started cleaning already. But at various times I have undertaken complete clean ups of my house and have never been able to maintain it. And I don't know what to do about all the possessions that have piled up. Honestly, I feel like most of the time I am just completely blind to the state of my house and don't even notice it, not even all the stuff that doesn't work anymore.
Thanks for reading.
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Post by RoadRunner on Dec 29, 2017 9:17:47 GMT -5
(((hugs))) and Welcome neffTake it one step at a time One item at a time One decision at a time Day by Day .....or even moment by moment...the key is to never give up always keep pushing forward. Sometimes you will pick yourself up after going backwards for a while but that is not failure....it is a process. You will find much encouragement and support here. Way To Go--getting started with the clean up!!! |
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Post by mynicehome on Dec 29, 2017 9:31:42 GMT -5
Welcome neff , and (((((hugs))))). You're not alone, you've found us.
Hon, as seemingly regrettable as this fire was in terms of "exposing" your hoarding to others, this is now your golden opportunity for change. The door is open now. Hoarding is no longer a "hidden" issue to various agencies and I'm sure your insurance company, or the firefighters' association has included this possibility in their training. They may know where you can ask for the kind of help you need right now. Please, avail yourself of this help. It may be hard for you to do...but members here have done this very thing and can support you through it.
I'm happy the fire was small and put out before it caused any injury.
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Post by creativechaos on Dec 29, 2017 9:45:52 GMT -5
neff, i am so sorry about the fire and all that you deal with - you found the right place and the right people by coming here, and i'm happy you did! as has been already said to you; take a few deep breaths and dive in, one thing, one moment, one decision or action at a time. i'm so glad that you let the firemen in. they are great people whose main concern is saving lives. ask them for help and they may know of some resources that can help you jump-start things while you are motivated. we will never judge you here; you will find that everyone here is so helpful; from the folks who've been in maintenance for ages and stay here to inspire the rest of us and keep their own lives humming, to the folks who are still in squalor or who hoard or simply lurk and read - all are welcome here, and all can benefit! chat and the listzilla threads are wondeful for getting your motivated to work along with others and get support. you can start your own blog too. i have been a lifelong hoarder and squalorer and i can't seem to maintain either after a clean-up. the important thing is to keep trying, keep doing. if not for this site i would be at level 3 or beyond constantly. with the help of this site i am mostly at a lower level two, with "flare-ups" to high level 2. for me that is progress. just keep on trying and doing, no matter what. first, get the trash out. then start doing the dishes. etc. little by little, bit by bit. you can do this and we will support you every step of the way. the shame we feel LIES to us - we are more than the mess, no matter how bad it gets. there is always help available. clutterblindness is something i relate to; i honestly dont notice it either, but we can slowly change; and with slow change, you will find that things are more noticeable a little sooner, and you want to clean them up sooner. you will find help and lots of support here. WELCOME! you don't say if you live rurally but i do, and some services are available. if you get mail pickup, you can get your donations out through ups or usps if you have a printer to print shipping labels (give back box dot com). there are others who will pick up donations like Kiwanis.
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Post by hurricane on Dec 29, 2017 10:19:37 GMT -5
Hello Nef. I'm so glad the fire was small enough that you weren't injured or had to evacuate your house...what a relief. If you're not attached to the stuff your job of cleaning up will be much easier. I have used Junk Be Gone services in the past and swear by them. I had a team of three people completely clear out a large storage area in about an hour (they put the stuff in a big truck and hauled it away). It cost $150, which was well worth it. This doesn't work so well if you're attached to your possessions though, because then you'll be paying the removal team to stand around idle while you sort stuff. But if you're ready to let go and allow them to just start hauling stuff away, they can clear large areas in short periods of time. Another important thing: do you have a mortgage? If you do and the insurance company sees your house in bad repair, they may pull your insurance coverage (because you're a bad risk for fires and other sorts of damage). If the insurance company pulls their coverage and you can't find another company to insure you, your mortgage company will revoke your mortgage. I agree with the others that this is a great opportunity to seize the day and get things sorted out. Your life could improve drastically if you do!  |
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Post by def6 on Dec 29, 2017 22:22:46 GMT -5
So sorry to hear of your struggles neff but I truly believe that you could see improvement in your day to day . You can take small steps (baby steps) towards your goals and before you know it start building. You are right...When the firefighters and the first responders can't get in to you right away the situation is dangerous for you. Your well being must be a first priority. You may want to watch Flylady' s Baby steps on you tube. Each day she has a new challenge that builds on the day before. Welcome to our group and I wish you all the best. |
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Post by dtesposito on Dec 30, 2017 8:40:12 GMT -5
Hi neff, it's very encouraging that you're feeling able to throw things out--take advantage of that now. What is your garbage situation? You must have garbage pickup since you don't drive--how much can you put out for each pickup? Can you put out extra and pay for it? You want to take advantage of each pickup so that the maximum is out there--so if there's one planned, just work on filling up your can(s).
Baby steps are important, if you look at the whole picture you'll get discouraged and not do anything. Just start by filling enough garbage bags to take advantage of the next pick-up, and after that make another small goal.
And keep posting, it helps a lot to work alongside other people!
Diane
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Post by hollyhock on Dec 30, 2017 11:19:52 GMT -5
Hi and welcome neff. I'm so glad you were not injured in your fire, and that it sounds like you did not sustain a lot of damage. You have received lots of good advice already. But you did mention you might be tempted too to just 'throw the lot out'. Since getting rid of things is so difficult for you, would you consider renting a dumpster, and then just getting rid of a lot? One thing we have around here is 'amnesty' - in other words not waiting to find the 'perfect' way to dispose of an item, such as donations, recycling etc. We are big on those too, but when you have a lot to deal with initially, worrying about those are mostly a hindrance to you moving ahead. In addition, if things were damaged from the fire and need to be tossed, it would work for that as well. I hope you can find a good way for you to move ahead. Please keep posting and updating us. This is the best non-judgemental group around. And oh yes, clutter-blindness is a 'thing'. Most likely you will not get to everything in 1 fell swoop. Decluttering is like removing layers from an onion. Each pass gets a bit more out. I have been in maintenance for a few years now, but I still try to go through everything at least once a year, and I still have items to toss, so don't worry about doing it 'perfectly' the first time. Just aim for better. In addition, most service people don't care about the condition of your home. They have seen it all. They only want room to work, and to get their job done. Period. Good luck with everything, and here's hoping 2018 is a great year for you. |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 30, 2017 11:22:32 GMT -5
Welcome, neff . Sending some unconditional love your way. You want to know where to start? The first answer is "Start anywhere. Just start.". And avoid perfectionism. Start your process NOW. While you are cleaning, I suggest ordering a book. You can keep cleaning while waiting for the book to arrive. (I know -- a book is just another thing to lose in the chaos, but maybe you can get a digital version?) The book is called "Digging Out". Full name: "Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring" authors: Michael A. TOMPKINS and Tamara L. HARTL amazon link www.amazon.com/dp/1572245948barnes and noble link www.barnesandnoble.com/w/digging-out-michael-tompkins/1112045689This book is intended for loved ones of hoarders and clutterers. In other words, for anyone who cares about us messy people. To help them understand us messy people, to teach them how to speak with us respectfully, and to teach them how to effectively and respectfully be of *real help* to us. So that doesn't sound like what you need, but here is why I suggest it ... It has a whole section on "harm reduction". The point is ... people like you and me who live in squalor ... need to be concerned with safety first. The book has the "harm reduction" section -- about how to prioritize what to clean up first, for the purposes of health and safety.Even though it's written for "non-messies" who are coming to help us ... we can read it as though we are the helpers coming in to help ourselves. To emphasize, the book won't fix your situation. The only thing that really helps is to get rid of the chaos. But the book could provide some supplemental ideas. |
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Post by joyinvirginia on Dec 31, 2017 14:10:14 GMT -5
Hi neff, welcome!
Im glad you have a psychiatrist. Do you have a mental health counselor also who could help you with some of these clutter issues? The fire department might know of community resources that could help with cleaning out your home.
Please make sure that you can open all the doors completely and that your hallways are clear and safe to walk thru. Take a small bag and fill with trash, deposit somewhere OUTSIDE your home that you will not be tempted to bring it back inside.
Be safe! Make sure you can exit the house quickly in an emergency, or someone could reach you if you had an emergency
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Post by mouseanne on Jan 1, 2018 15:59:48 GMT -5
Hugs & welcome!!!
Lots of ways to start.
Pick one thing (a chair, a table, a bureau top, your bed) to get uncluttered and keep pretty, at "zero". Defend it daily. Believe it or not, "pretty" spreads.
ETE-erase the evidence, for everything you do. Brush hair. Put away brush. Sandwich? Bits put away. Crafting, ditto.
If you're overwhelmed "square foot" method.
Don't wait to be motivated. It won't happen.
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Post by rededen on Jan 1, 2018 17:05:34 GMT -5
Hello Neff. Welcome. This is an incredibly helpful group.
You asked where to start? Lion is right - start anywhere, just start.
But what does that mean? We all 'start' differently. It means doing an activity that will give you some physical and mental and emotional space. Clearing one square foot of counter top in the kitchen. That is an example of a 'start'.
I have read the book Lion has recommended. I found it to be very helpful as it gave me an insight into my hoarding issues even though I read it after I decluttered. For me it was a consciousness raising exercise. An example is the authors of that book write that hoarding satisfies a set of important values for the hoarder; I felt important. I consciously didn't recognise that but getting and saving stuff as well as the stuff itself made me feel valued as a person, more so when what I had acquired had belonged to a deceased and much loved relative. I suffered greatly when that relative died and keeping her possessions made me feel I was 'keeping' her.
Neff, keep in contact with us. We're here to help.
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Post by notanotherdecade on Jan 2, 2018 2:56:14 GMT -5
Hello Neff. I can imagine the whole situation was horrible.
Before reading down to the description of the fire, I was tempted to suggest a bonfire of the clutter. But guess hiring a skip or hiring a man with a van to cart the junk away might be a safer option.
At my worst I think I swung between having a mental barrier similar to Depersonalisation when it came to the chaos, and when in a confident mood I underestimated how long it would take to clear up. Things only slowly turned around when the room heaters needed replacing,,, that meant all the rooms except one had to be accessed.... It took months to get ready !
Please don't put unrealistic demands on yourself. Allocate time slots to decluttering activities, prioritize the areas you know people will see. Forgive yourself the days when things don't go to plan.
Are you in regular touch with your community mental health team, not sure about the set up there in the states, do you feel you need to review things with them at the moment?
Good luck with getting the fire damage sorted out smoothly.xx
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